A reader sent me an email asking me to talk about dissociative identity disorder (DID) and accountability. More specifically, the reader wants to know how to take responsibility for our behavior and actions and not dissociate when you have DID.
I have always maintained that a person with DID is responsible for all behaviors and actions taken regardless of which alter part made the choice to act in a particular way. This is because each alter part is you. While each alter part might “feel” completely foreign to you (from the perspective of the host personality), each part is you.
For many people with DID, the host personality is the “goody two shoes” of the multiple system. This was certainly true for me. My host personality used words like “fudge” as expletives and wouldn’t dream of using a string a “bad words” to express herself. However, as I integrated my host personality into my core, “bad words” became a natural part of my vocabulary because words like “fudge” did not come close to describing what I was feeling as I worked through the healing process. If an alter part used “bad words,” I was responsible for that language, even though my host personality would not feel responsible because an alter part said them. Regardless of which alter part is speaking, I am ultimately the one expressing myself.
The part of the question regarding dissociation is really about the host personality dissociating. When one part dissociates, another part takes its place. Even in a very dissociated state, your body is managing to walk, talk, and interact with the world around you. That just means that another part of yourself is in the driver’s seat, but that part of yourself is still you.
My therapist reassured me multiple times that I am never going to behave in a way that is contrary to who I am. (We had this conversation when I feared that an alter part could harm my child.) While some of you might vehemently disagree with this, read this blog entry and consider the points I made.
The bottom line is that you are always you. You might only be accessing one part of yourself, such as an angry part, a sad part, or a host part, but all of these parts are still you, which makes you responsible for any actions or behaviors you choose. I know what it feels like to have an alter part “take over” and do things that seem contrary to who I am (such as the alter part who would bang my head), so I understand why some of you might disagree with me. However, if you dig deeper, you will see that even those parts of yourself that seem inconsistent really are not.
In the example of my self-injuring alter part, I was expressing my reaction to being in a “between a rock and a hard place” situation. Harming myself in reaction to this stress was consistent with who I am, which is why I did it. Harming my child (or any child) is not consistent with who I am, so I have never taken out my emotional baggage on a child. If you can embrace the reality that every part of yourself is part of you and that you will never act in a manner inconsistent with who you are, you will be able to let go of so much fear.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I’m sorry, but that’s just not true.
A) DID (or any serious mental or behavior disorder) effects different people in different ways -and to a wide variety of degrees. Blanket statements simply do not apply.
B) Furthermore, you can’t say that “all these parts are still YOU” when it’s impossible to define the nature/concept of Identity. There is no agreed upon, scientific definition for “Identity”
Ever study the field of A.I.? The biggest problem in creating an A.I., (and the reason we haven’t) is that we can’t really define “intelligence” -we need to know what the goal is in order to reach the goal.
This is an example of, and the same point re “identity”.
I understand what you’re trying to say. But sometimes, there really IS nobody home; or the person that is home, has no concept of right and wrong. And I can tell you for a fact that happens.
~twf
Hi, twf.
I will discuss your comment in a future blog entry. Thank you for your comment. :0)
- Faith
Hi, twf.
My response to your comment will publish on Monday. Because you are new to my blog (or at least new to commenting), I want you to know that I am always respectful and nice when I respond to my readers, even when I disagree with them, so you have no reason to get any knots in your stomach over this. :0)
I am completely okay with agreeing to disagree with my readers, and I very much appreciate a good discussion even when neither of us change our positions. Some topics have no definitive answers, and my readers benefit from reading multiple points of view on a subject. I am not offended if they “side with” the reader instead of me. :0)
Have a good weekend!
- Faith
I’m not sure about this. Maybe DID isn’t the whole of what I have, but while I was living at home, while I was going through school, I was only half-conscious (from the exhaustion), had no idea what I was saying most of the time and seemed to make bizarre decisions, such as hanging round with a friend I’d never be interested in in a million years (she was a clone of my sister basically). I bumped into her a couple of years ago, and being friends with her would always have been contrary to who I am. For me it’s complicated, but the closest thing to the truth that I can come to is that it was as if my mother and sister planted bits of themselves in my mind, controlling me that way. The sexual stuff destroyed my psychological boundaries – I had no idea who I was, I’d never developed an identity.
BUT my caveat to all this is: I don’t think I was ever abusive towards anyone. Moody, yes, but most people just avoided or bullied me. So the issue of responsibility isn’t quite so urgent, nor is it so morally-focussed. For the harmless decisions that were not mine I would have no problem pleading “diminished responsibility”. Strangely though, if someone came to me and said that something I’d done during that time had hurt them, I would take responsibility for apologising and making amends, because I feel someone should. I didn’t forget that part of my life immediately, and I’m kind of obsessed with staying on the moral high ground, so I wouldn’t have forgotten without trying to make amends.
****Possible ritual abuse trigger****
The feeling of almost being “possessed” disappeared as soon as I left for university, when I no longer had to devote every waking moment to trying to second-guess my abusers.
I appreciate the perspective in this post, however, I think it’s a great subject.
Hi, Jan.
You said:
“such as hanging round with a friend I’d never be interested in in a million years (she was a clone of my sister basically). I bumped into her a couple of years ago, and being friends with her would always have been contrary to who I am.”
This is actually very consistent. Abuse victims (and even people who were not abused but were from dysfunctional families) frequently choose to enter into relationships that repeat the dynamics they experienced in childhood, hoping for a different outcome. I married a man very much like my father, and my sister married a man very much like our mother. Children who grew up in physically abusive households frequently marry spouses who abuse them. Without therapy and/or facing our childhood demons, child abuse survivors frequently repeat unhealthy patterns in relationships hoping for a different outcome.
- Faith
Every time I read an entry, Faith, I am that much more thankful to have found this site. The views are diverse and broad and always give me food for thought. Although I do not have DID, one of my daughter does and her alters are horribly facinating. I do believe though, that her core is always somewhere in there, as her most angry self, talks alot about angry things, but her actions are self harm through cutting and anorexia to gain control of her situation. I do not believe she could do something out of her core character. I do worry, sometimes about another alter who is a child probably of the age of her abuse/neglect that she will get hurt inadvertently out in the world but her angry self is also a protector.
I have started connecting emotions to past events by trying to process through them and this feels harder than when they first tumbled out. I dissociate during sessions and feel safe with my therapist but later between weekly sessions, i am now dissociating and losing time. My energy is so needed on this part of the process that i am functioning at work at half speed if that. I find letters a younger me has written and when i talk about times past, i now feel more than fear. It is as if I have a tumbler full of feelings i dared not let out but carried inside anyway. It is all so disorienting. I have found a new source that looks like it may explain on a more readable level – how the therapy process may look for trauma and incest victims. I feel better when i know this is just how it goes. Her last name is Courtois. google and see what you think. I found a link i can send you via email.It is a review of this particular book. I wish knowing i am following a path that many many follow made me feel lbetter but i don’t like feeling clingy again to my therapist and i don’t like relying on his guidance so much because i should be able to get a grip but i am not. I have started cutting in overwhelming moments and that, too feels weak to me.
Of all things here, i am grateful when i can climb out of myself, for this site, and the diligence and support of my therapist. Please keep writing writing writing.
Book Review: Healing the Incest Wound by Christine A. Courtois … – Jan 6Aug 26, 2010 … American Psychological Association Division 29 addresses the needs of psychologists interested in advancing the field of psychotherapy.
http://www.divisionofpsychotherapy.org/chu-2010/ – Cached
I wanted to throw in what my therpaist told me when I first went back to therapy because I was losing time and things in my house were being moved to weird places. I wasn’t diagnosed DID at the time, just bipolar and these things scared me to death. When we figured out that I was dissociating (we didn’t know about the alters at this point) I asked her what I could have done during my lost hours. I was worried that I had been driving to unknown places and doing unknown things. After talking she surmised that I probably sat down in a chair in my home for hours and then I came to (so-to-speak) standing in my kitchen with my glasses missing. I won’t say that I have a definite answer on this one.
Television and movies like to depict people with DID as possible seriel killers or something and I don’t believe that. It just stirs up people’s fears about mental illness. But, I’m not saying that it’s impossible for an alter to be violent either. I honestly don’t know. I’ll speak for my system though, and in my case my system never seems to do anything that would cause me serious harm, like hurting someone I love or doing something illegal. I’m not talking about suicide because I’ve been suicidal and hospitalized many times. And I’m not talking about self-harm because I’ve engaged in that too. My system though would never harm another person though. All of my anger seems to be directed at me. Even when my angry alter got *very* angry she hurt me not someone else. And we do have to realize that all of our “parts” are us. That’s a fact. We may be scared of them, we may hate them but they are parts of us and they exist for a reason. My angry alter came into existence because the physical abuse from our mother got so bad that I decided to kill her the next time she put a hand on me. I believe that I meant it too. Then “Nicole” came and she took all that rage and became an alter. But we never hurt our mother, we moved out instead. If I had followed through, there would have been dire consequences for my actions and maybe it would have been self-defense but my system saved me from going through that either way.
I would like to differentiate between accountability and guilt.
Just because youre accountable doesnt mean your automatically guilty. Its actually the opposite.
Accountability frees you of guilt (when appropriate ,which it is in most cases) and leads you to acceptance.
When I chose to be accountable for my behavior I found I had nothing to feel guilty for. Because then I was able to see and accept all alter parts as parts of me.
Guilt by definition is when intentional harm is done to someone.
In dissociation how can you hurt someone intentionally? If you do, then its not dissociation. Its violence or abuse.
Dissociating is a way of escaping, not a plan of action.
That doesnt mean that I wont hurt people by dissociating or not being present but ultimately I hurt myself the most. But if I take accountability then I can apologize afterwards, explain it, make amends where possible or take action such as getting therapy and letting people close to me know what Im like (or not like)when I dissociate.
Hi, carolin4real.
That was very well said! :0)
- Faith
Very well said indeed.
Thanks Faith! Thanks Michael!
Sorry, I’m a bit confused, are you also saying that it is impossible to dissociate and hurt someone intentionally, that it is always a planned action?
Also, just wondering; are you talking about criminal guilt, moral guilt, or both?
Faith,
I wonder if your post here would be more “accurate” if you directed this to the “core” personality. The girl I called my wife for 22 years is the “host” but not the “core”. She wants to claim to be the “original” girl but she still doesn’t want to “claim” responsibility for all the actions of all the others. And until she does claim responsibility for all the others she is still just acting like the “host” not the “core”. And in a very real sense, I believe ONLY the core personality is responsible for the actions of all the others which is the nature of DID as I understand it.
Hope I’m sensing how you would see things, too, as you use these words in your blog regularly.
Sam
Hi, Sam.
Yes, ultimately the “core” would be accountable, but each alter part is also part of the whole person. I use “core” to mean the parts that have fused together (integrated) and are operating as one soul/spirit/entity. Each alter part is just as much of the person as the core is, so all are responsible/accountable. However, you are correct that the core will have a much easier time “getting” this than an alter part will.
- Faith
For me therapists do not have as much credibility about speaking to the effects of trauma as those that have experienced it.
For me I accept that the world holds me responsible as one person. I also accept that the world tends to be confident they can predict how they and others will act in the future and I do not have this confidence in me or them.
Using the extreme, given the choice that they die or you die it is impossible to predict how any person will act. Not only is it impossible to predict it is impossible to create the same situation twice nor will the decision as to who dies necessarily be the same each time.
I believe and it is a belief that having experienced trauma tends to shake false confidence and can lead to feeling that one is weak when they are not.
I sometimes go with there is a difference between a reason and an excuse.
Hey all,
Not really sure where I stand with all of this. I think I agree a little bit with everyone… but I don’t believe in anything absolutely.
I guess I feel the same as I do about religion… or sacredness. It is a different experience for each person, but there are also consistencies or markers which are true in varying degrees for each person. How each person’s healing drama unfolds is sacred and unique, but also general and patterned in a sense as well.
Perhaps there are some people who’s protector alters may go further in that pursuit than the core is able to acknowledge..? While I absolutely think it is possible. Do I think it’s common? I don’t really know, but my guess is probably not.
The best any of us can do is try to stay as conscious as possible of our actions… and if we cannot do it by ourselves, try to find someone to trust and ask for help.
I’ve enjoyed reading the responses to this post. Everyone adds just a bit more to the puzzle.
Peace,
mia
thanks for what you said it is true for me.
I really appreciated what you said near the end about feeling like you are at a “rock and a hard place” and then self injuring. this is what is happening to me. i feel horrible about it but i am in so much pain. I felt so alone, i know it doesnt make it better, anyways thanks for sharing that i needed to hear it.
Hi,
I agree that we should be held accountable for our actions at all times. I do however, wonder at what point we agree with those actions? An 8 year olds part who has been conditioned to obey without question, would not have the same boundary set as a 16 year old part, or a 35 year old host. I’m not sure about anyone else, but my system has a common rule that no one else is to be intentionally hurt against their will. However, the concept of intentional hurt doesn’t necessarily have the same understanding from the different viewpoint of each part. So, while there is still accountability, I don’t know if there is a simple answer.
I know that when I am dissociated, I will do things that I would never otherwise dream of doing. Just as you say there are parts who wouldn’t dream of swearing, there may also be parts at the other end of the spectrum, ones who would think nothing of using a swear word at least twice in a three word sentence. There are parts in the system who by their nature, have never experienced an appropriate boundary. Part of therapy is often showing those boundaries, that can mean parts challenging, breaking, and ignoring those boundaries. Accountability is what will teach boundaries; but the reason they have to learn those boundaries, is that they are currently operating well outside of them.
Regards,
CG