I know I have a good 350 days or so to prepare, but I really want to know what I can do differently to make Christmas bearable when it rolls around again. Now that the holidays are over, I am starting to feel more like myself and much less “crazy.” However, the holidays were a different story.
My offline friends assure me that I did much better this past Christmas than I did the year before. One pointed out that I was triggered from October 1 through the New Year in 2009, which is true. However, I felt every minute of the two weeks of triggering in 2010, and I really have no desire to relive that experience for Christmas 2011. So, my question is what proactive steps can I take to make Christmas more bearable this year?
I cannot even tell you with certainty what triggers me about Christmas, which might be part of the problem. I can tell you that I have very few memories of Christmas throughout my childhood (through age 23!!). I have always remembered having Christmas dinner at my grandparents’ house, but they did not move to our city until I was nine or ten. Those memories are only with my sister, cousins, and grandparents – I have none of my parents, even though I know they were there. After my father died, my mother had a rift with my grandparents (his parents), and we stopped going to their house for Christmas. All of those Christmases are blank. I remember things **around** Christmas, such as my sister and me going to see Godfather III when it premiered on Christmas Day, but I have no memories at all of being with my mother.
Through flashbacks, I have recovered a terrible memory of abuse by S & L (my most sadistic abusers) abusing me in front of their Christmas tree. However, I wonder if there is more that I have yet to remember because it doesn’t seem like that one incident of abuse would account for 23 years of “lost” Christmas memories as well as my intense triggering that continues even after so many years of therapy and healing.
I was really freaked out when I recognized that I had “lost” my memories of Christmas when I was 23 years old. I had just gotten engaged and was sad that my fiancé and I were going to spend Christmas apart. I remember getting angry with my sister for leaving me alone with my mother on Christmas Day, and I cried and felt really hollow and sad. I have memories around that time, such as going to try on wedding gowns and visiting a gym to work out, but I have no memories at all of Christmas. I have consistent memories of Christmas beginning the next year, when I was married and spent each Christmas at my in-laws’ house.
Clearly I have more work to do on this, but I don’t even know where to start. I guess I will remember when I am ready. I am sure it will be a doozy.
Photo credit: Faith Allen
I can throw out a few ideas… Who knows what will stick?
You can try mantra. Something positive to do with the holiday season… maybe something to do with the pretty lights or generosity of spirit…
I have heard and I believe it to be true for me at least, that memories cannot be erased, but you can tape over them. That’s why I think mantra is so effective for me, especially if I am triggered and do not have a specific memory to go with it. It’s sort of a form of self soothing and reprogramming response.
Another thing you can do is try to make small, but attainable goals. Specific goals to boost spirit and empower you (Like you would your immune system during flu season). For instance, I will have lunch and a shopping date with a good friend in the midst of the chaos of the holiday season. If you make a few goals now, then you’ll be all ready to test them out by next year!
Good luck. I think it’s great that you’re thinking this far in advance.
Peace,
mia
I have found that for me it helps when I can go to the time of the trauma outside of the time of trauma. Buy this I mean I work on the trauma at a time of year when it did not happen and nothing is associated with it. This took a while and for a long time I had to stay with the trauma at the time it happened.
My memories that are not in my consciousness are stored in my reptilian brain. They are not stored by a calendar rather the amount of sunlight and such.
When the memories came into my consciousnesses it seemed like some of us knew all along. That is not how it works with me. Some are able to bring the memory into consciousness.
I can regress to anytime of my life at will by drawing. Never know what I will find.
Two things that I find interesting with my reptilian brain is the clocks being changed used to send me over the edge and I am immune to jet lag. I do not have the problem with the clocks changing anymore I just am really aware of where the sun it and it is not a problem that is why I am immune to jet lag. .
I’ll say what my therapist says: it’s ok not to remember right now. You’ll remember when you’re ready.
There’s obviously good reason for you to have a bad association with Christmas, so everything is working fine as far as your memory goes because you’re not ready yet.
I was thinking about how difficult the holidays were for so many abuse survivors (I don’t do Christmas so it wasn’t an issue for me) and I was thining that maybe it would be helpful for people to look back over the blog posts they wrote or blog comments they made, or journal entries etc. and collect them together. Then, when they have time, since Christmas is now many months down the road, they can go over what they wrote and how they felt and see if by looking at what happened this last holiday, they can think of what they would need to do this year to have a smoother time. I don’t know that may be a really stupid idea too.
Hi, Tai.
I think that is a great idea. Thanks! :0)
- Faith
(((Faith))) You MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Each of these holidays are markers of how far you’ve come. Getting better each time it sounds like.
Do you know your triggers?? Music, lights, tree, stress, smells, gifts? Are any of them things you can do longer or different times of the year kinda like booster/allergy shots? Play Christmas carols, then sit and write what comes to mind free association. Put up your tree for Easter, gifts and all. Maybe you are a canidate for EMDR?
I think you are right on to make a plan for next year. Try moving Christmas day?? God bless your search for peace and self.
I take a two pronged approach to the holidays – I work on practical grounding skills like meditation and working out throughout the year. I also do my work in therapy of recovering memories and making sense of them. Slowly, slowly, slowly wins the race.