Some of my dearest friends would probably die laughing if I told them that I am only now becoming aware of the degree to which I struggle with anxiety. Of course, they see it from the outside. They are the ones who hear my words get faster and faster, and they see and feel my intensity when I am triggered.
Nevertheless, labeling myself as an “anxious” person has never crossed my mind. I think this is because the women I have seen labeled as “anxious” are those who are also viewed as “emotionally fragile,” and I do not see myself as “emotionally fragile” in the least. Yes, I get triggered, but I also know I am tough as h@#$ and will fight my way back. In my head, I am a warrior, not a “worrier.”
I guess it doesn’t help that my mother-in-law was such an anxious person (she passed away a few years ago), and everyone in the family had to tiptoe around her anxiety. Everyone viewed her as a fragile flower who must be protected at all costs. I have hardly been “protected” throughout my life, so my perception of anxiety discounted the possibility of applying that label to myself.
My medical doctor had no problems whatsoever with labeling me as having anxiety issues. She made the mistake of stating my weight at a physical a couple of years ago, and I had a complete panic attack in her office right there in front of her. She immediately prescribed me Xanax, and she has been wonderfully supportive of empowering me to manage my anxiety with Xanax as needed while, at the same time, taking note that I don’t abuse it and frequently go months between refills. I am actually taken aback when she uses her “bedside” voice toward me (her “anxious patient”) because nobody ever treated me with kid gloves … not even when I was a kid!
I am coming to realize that my normal state of being since childhood has always been “anxious,” but I had to learn how to mask it. When I am alone, I do all sorts of “crazy” things to manage my anxiety, from tapping my fingers in a particular way to breathing in a funky way. As a child, I did everything from blowing on my hands to clearing my throat repeatedly to manage the anxiety. My son started doing something weird with his wrist that was in imitation of one of my anxiety-reducing rituals, and that was a real wake up call. (He was just trying to figure out why I do it and how.) It has only been in the past few weeks that I am awakening to the fact that my body is feeling X, Y, Z, which means that I am having anxiety issues.
It is weird for me to think of myself as being an “anxious” person because I have always equated “anxious” with “weak,” and I am definitely not weak. Nevertheless, I have struggled with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic attacks, phobias, and frequent triggering, which all fall under the umbrella of anxiety. I think it is weird that I couldn’t see this in myself before now.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Funniest thing, I’m in the middle of a high anxious moment for me and it’s dinner time so I can’t call anyone so I thought I’d take a look at your posts. I thought it might get my breathing under control. And there you are writing about my very struggle. Thank you. I’m being hit in the face at moment by the fact I had no control over my abuse. As far as my world was concerned it was random. This terrifying me. I don’t think of myself as a panicky person. But the moment that’s all I am panic and small breathers from it. I hate myself like this.
Ditto. the memories fill with dimensions of feelings long hidden and i am staying in a state of vigilance. xanax helps take the edge off but i am writing and calling my therapist every day hoping it will cut it but the truth is that only going through the process will and even with that, some of these symptoms will stay because of triggers. I’m glad that you feel strong inside, warrior. I’m not there yet. not even close. keep writing, keep writing, it helps us who are not seeing the light yet.
Faith,
I hear you! It’s funny how our perceptions of a meaning can differ from others or from reality.
BTW, I think a person can be both a worrier and a warrior! I know I sure am!
Also, I know for a fact that I have not experienced the intensity or duration of abuse that you have, however, when I was getting EEG therapy and the therapist was taking my baseline, she informed me that in my relaxed state, I was in “fight or flight mode”! So, if you are labeled with anxiety issues you sure have your reasons, and it seems only normal considering what you endured…. and continue to with flashbacks and having to work through them.
You know, if it doesn’t freak you out, you may want to look into EEG. It works wonders for a great many people. I was very freaked out by the idea of it at first, but once I researched it and realized that it wasn’t brainwashing me, it was retraining my brain, I was all for it. (Considering the way my brain was incidentally trained, it made me feel like I was the one in control)
Anyway, great post.
peace,
mia
Unbelievable -vsynchronicity. I too am very anxious today for a number of normal but nerve wracking reasons. My dilemma is trying to recognize normal fear/anxiety from my constantly hanging around anxiety due to my past. Triggers drag me back, wondering whether what I’m feeling is normal drags me back, fear is so present in my life. I’ve been working on it and do believe I’m moving, but dad gum it, it is frustrating.
But what I can say with great strength and determination, my past is not holding me back as before. I keep saying to myself, I’m winning. But that is not it really. Rather, I’m getting it and myself so much better. Take care all.
I think not identifying with emotions is common for child abuse survivors. For myself, letting my family know I was upset was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. So I automatically slip into a calm demeanor when I’m upset or anxious. It took me a long time to recognize that emotions were running under that demeanor, much less feel them. With a lot of work, I’ve gotten pretty good at it, and it’s made my healing process and life in general much better.
I have always had anxiety and panic attacks–but most people wouldn’t have known. As a kid, I always had to be the ‘perfect’ child, so I had learned of ways to mask it (like self-injury). I knew better than to show that anything was wrong! And up until a few months ago, I was still able to hide it, for the most part, but now, with all of the memories, and flashbacks, and nightmares, it seems like I am in a constant state of anxiety and panic. My doctor tried klonopin–with no success. Now we are trying xanax, and it still isn’t helping! Most of the time, I feel like I am dying. I can’t breathe or catch my breath, and my heart feels like it is going to explode (which actually, I wouldn’t necessarily mind if it did)! I just don’t know what to do with everything that is going on inside of me anymore! I have never felt upset (I can’t say the word ‘angry’), at the people who hurt me–I only hate ME–it has always been that way, and I don’t know how to do or feel any different.
Back again. I’m being forced to spend quite a bit of time in hospital at the moment because ‘I’m not safe’. I find hospital leaves me astronomically anxious. Does it that to anyone else or is it another of my little quirks. I’m so bad at the moment that if my therapist (who is very good) says it’s him and hospital or nothing. I’d walk out on him. Can anyone help, please? I’m getting so desperate about the issue.
I completely understand about the hospital thing! Being in any hospital is nerve wracking–but being in a psychiatric hospital is beyond anxiety provoking! I have spent a lot of time in psych hospitals–and I’m not very far from being there again! I am hanging on by a thread, and that thread is beginning to break!!! All I can really say is try not to fight it. For me, it can be difficult to trust anyone, and I always question their motives–but in this situation, you have to believe that the people that are there want to help you. (I know–that is easier said than done!) I hope you improve, and can begin to feel safe! Take care!
Has to ponder this a bit. I have never use the work anxious and it has no meaning for me. At first I figured that I am a manly man so it does not apply to me. Smile. Then I figured out I would never call a person and anxious person and not really think of them as being anxious.
As often used it is negative and means scared nervous for no reason. I liken it to the symptom of depression when said crying or now reason.
Unless I have a better idea I am gong with anxious is nervous or scared for reasons unknown and I need to find the reason. So anxious is going to be come my friend/enemy.
Thanks so much for this post. I could really relate and it is nice to know I am not alone in this. When my doctor first suggested that perhaps I could benefit from therapy because he felt I had anxiety, I was stunned. And a little hurt because I thought he was saying I was weak. I didn’t accept his suggestion for therapy until he made the suggestion again later. He was right though…and therapy has been helpful. I just had to get past the stigma that anxiety = weakness. I still struggle with it now and then.
Leslie, thank you, you’re right anxiety does make me feel weak too. It leaves me with all the symptoms of weakness, my heart beating erratically, a headache, the feeling I need someone to help me RIGHT NOW or I will die. I hate it. I’m sure I used to be spunky. But that has seeped away to leave me as a puddle on the floor. I feel so ashamed of being like this. But I also recognise fighting it takes so much courage too.
This posting was very timely for me too. ( I was just really busy and didn’t have time to comment in a timely way)
Anxiety has been the theme of recent times for me too. I’ve known I was depressed, but I’ve never thought of myself as anxious. I mean I know I have moments of anxiety, but never thought about it being a chronic condition. I know that right now I am going through a re-visiting of my PTSD which of course is an anxiety disorder, but I thought the anxiety only came out when I was triggered. Recently I’ve realized otherwise. That constant discomfort that I try to stuff so I can act normal- that makes me want to sleep so I can escape, that eventually leads to me exploding at some level whether it is with tears, or hysterically talking to a friend, or moments of irrational thinking are all anxiety based. I don’t know why this is a new awareness for me, but it is. I know that anything based on a PTSD reaction is anxiety, but I wasn’t aware that I was feeling anxious. It makes me wonder about a lot of other things. I have at times had people tell me I come off as anxious or intense. It really pisses me off when someone tells me that because I am not aware of feeling anxious at the time, and although I know what intensity looks like when I see it in others, I do not feel like I am coming off as intense when people say this to me. It is like I am trying to figure out how not to appear anxious or intense, even if I am on the inside. It is important in my field of work not to appear anxious and intense even if I am feeling that way on the inside. I know I need to be working on the anxiety itself, but I also need to find some ways to manage how I appear to others even when I am anxious. I do know the issue of “safety” is a huge one for me, and when I started back into my own therapy recently, I cried through the whole session talking about how there was nowhere that was safe. It’s like “duh.” I’m a therapist, and yet I wouldn’t recognize that my not feeling safe anywhere is just another way of saying I am fearful or anxious! So I am working on this one too.
Thanks, Elaine.
I sent your comment to an offline friend and told her that I feel like I found my mother ship! LOL Thank you for sharing all of this. I can relate to all of it.
- Faith
Often times, I feel I am more symptomatic with my anxiety (PTSD) issues than I am w/ DID. The hypervigilance, the startle responses, the need (not just preference, but an actual need) for routine and consistency … yep, it all does translate into being anxious.
Thanks for sharing (you, and the people who have commented). It is comforting not to feel alone.
[...] my blog entry entitled Awakening to My Anxiety Issues, a reader posted the following comment: I have at times had people tell me I come off as anxious or [...]
yes, i fully relate to anxiety. so many things i have absolutely no control over right now in my life. people i care about who may very well feel hurt by my vanishing act and i have no way to reassure them it was ‘beyond my control’. that i am even more anxious because i can not tell them. it is upsetting to say the least. i am lost as to how to send telepathic messages. that doesnt work. trying to lighten mood there. i wish. i wish. i wish. / i have struggled with anxiety all my days . as a teenager i had panoic attacks that noone explained to me..so i just thought i was crazy. i now hate the word crazy. it is belittling to people with actual problems, dx, issues, monsters in their past., chemical imbalances in the way their brain works etc. ..i am often standing up verbally on behalf of a patient. and tell the ‘insulting person “shame on you. you do not know their story..it could be you”….///sorry, sidetracked. yes many ways of coping strategies..good and bad to get thru anxiety. i am safe and trying to keep the faith that it will work out and i will heal, maintain valuable friendships, function well at my work, continue to be a good kind momma who listenes. and be resiliant, strong and brave…even when other peoople do not understand or further create anxiety i cannot have any control over. as well as normal strife.
be safe all.. be survivors..face each day shoulders back, big breath. be kind always,..to ourselves and others. anxiety lessens with kindness..have you ever noticed that??