On my blog entry entitled Why I Relate So Strongly to Nina in “Black Swan”, a reader posted the following comment:
I know it is different for everyone and the process is not linear, but when attaching feelings to events, you mentioned releasing your emotions, how long did it take for you to feel not crazy and to not be safe with yourself? Did it come up and sink down so sometimes it wasn’t so prevalent in your thinking? ~aggiemonday
Like Aggiemonday, I wanted a time line from my therapist. I lost count of how many times I asked, “How long…?” His answer was always that he did not have a crystal ball, which drove me crazy. Couldn’t he just give me an average based on his experience in working with other child abuse survivors?
Healing from child abuse is a very individual process. There are generalities, such as learning to love and accept yourself, that apply pretty much across the board, but the time frame for this is going to vary from person to person. The time frame is even going to vary for the same person depending upon the speed that the person can handle in this moment. The best advice I saw on the topic of pacing was from Isurvive when a member said only go as fast as the slowest part of yourself is ready to go. Of course, I was never very good at actually taking that advice.
I have found that the upward spiral (which I believe is mentioned in The Courage to Heal) is the best symbol for how my healing process feels. I often feel like I am going around in circles. I think that I have mastered one element of healing, and then I find myself fighting down the same demons a few months or years later. The upward spiral shows you that you are always healing and moving toward a healthier you, so you are not truly going in circles but, instead, spiraling upward.
The only way I can tell you to “speed things up” is to stop fighting the process. My therapist pointed out that the more energy I put into fighting my feelings and emotions, the more powerful they became. When I chose to stop fighting them and, instead, give them a voice, they lost their power over me. The more frequently I choose to accept myself, which includes my memories, feelings, and emotions, the faster I seem to spiral back out of the bad place.
That being said, embracing it all too quickly creates its own challenges. Some readers have been impressed by the speed of my healing, and even my therapist marveled that I completed two years of therapy in a period of six months. This was because my attitude was that if I had to feel like s@#$, then I was going to give it my all and get this process over with as soon as possible. My therapist would tell me to try to enjoy the process, but I told him that he was out of his mind to think that I would enjoy any of this.
Trying to heal too quickly feels like riding on a runaway freight train. My therapist kept telling me to slow down, but in the early months of therapy, I simply didn’t have the power to do it. After that first intense six months, I settled into a more manageable pace of healing for me. Keep in mind that with each accepted memory comes emotions and feelings that need to be processed. Rather than race through the process, it is sometimes to your benefit to give yourself time to breathe between each period of healing.
The more you accept every part of yourself – your memories, emotions, and feelings – as “me,” the sooner you will stop feeling so “crazy.” The more you accept yourself, the more you will feel “safe” with yourself.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
thank you for this post, Faith.
Once I knew I was multiple I read on ISSDD web site that the average time a person was in treatment for DID was 6 years. I told my therapist she had three as I am taking credit for the 6 years of therapy before. She was not impressed.
It will have been 6 years in March and if my therapist were to leave I do not know if I would look for another one that knows about MKULTRA, witchcraft and SRA I would not want to train one and would likely just go my own way.
I had much to unlearn from the therapy that I had before, I was financially ruined and my health had deteriorated. I expect that without the improper therapy it would have been easier. I still think it would have taken as long to heal my brain. I liken it to having a stroke, which is as close as I can come.
I will be done this April 1st. Just like the last three years. It is just a trick I use to limit it in my mind and to have a goal.
I never asked how long it would take as I avoid the I don’t have a magic wand or crystal ball comments. A “I do not know” would be fine.
I did ask my therapist when I would would know I was done. She said “I think we both will know.” That works for me.
I do go with every day it takes is to long. It is wrong that I have to do this work and is caused by choices that others made.
When things seem to be going slow or backwards I can look look back and know that in reality I was always moving forward and going very fast. We do not know that will be the case again we know that it always has been. This going forward and fast is only after finding proper treatment. Before that it was trying hard to find a way or trying to hard to get to a place to look for a way.
The variables are many not the least of which is the nature of the trauma and age of onset. In fairness to therapists if you are dealing with memories that are not in the consciousness there is not way to even know what has to be dealt with.
Hi Michael,
You were in the MK Ultra Monarch Program? Do you have very clear memories? Do you have any specific marks that were put on your skin? I am asking because I believe that I was also in these programs. Can you share more with me or is this too difficult? Thank you
I had the same experience. I thought I would be in therapy six months max and it’s almost a year. There’s no end in sight either, but that’s ok. I learned to give up the timeline and just let what happens happen. It’s a good point that sometimes we make headway and then we feel like we’re sliding backwards because the same issues come up. As it’s been said, it’s part of the process. Good post!
I feel that I am in the “upward spiral,” but I had never seen a fitting description with the name of it. The upward spiral can feel quite as “crazy” as the downward spiral feels.
The statement you quoted, “Only go as fast as the slowest part of yourself is ready to go” is a haunting proposition that we just know rings true.
I couldn’t fathom slowing down for the first while, either. Then, I was left with consequences from that decision as I was only bringing difficulty memories to light with no appropriate coping skills.
Helpful post, thank you for sharing.
Thanks everyone. I started trying to find a therapist in 1988. Finally found a keeper two years ago.
It’s been a miserable journey. With one therapist in the first session asking if I’d enjoyed what my brother did. I had one therapist scream at me because I cancelled a session. Another one contacted my parents who also abused me and disclosed everything I said in my sessions with him, I know he did it because later I was in the room when he told them deeply distressing things.
But the worst therapists are the good ones that have let me corrupt their boundaries. I don’t mean to do it. I’m just so desperate for authentic relationship that I can’t stand what I feel is the fakery of “rapport”. With one therapist it got to the stage where he was booking double appointments one for my stuff and one slot to talk about himself and we’d sit on his patio smoking (I don’t smoke, but I guess someone inside does!) drinking coffee.
One therapist took on a father figure for me I saw him for years and years. He told me he loved me, he told me things he said he’d never told another soul. He talk about his struggles and when I told him my memories he sat next to me and put his arms around me while I wept. It felt so precious. I felt special. And then all of a sudden he no longer had time to see me. He wouldn’t take my calls. And when I finally did make contact he denied ever saying he loved me, he denied so much of what we had said. He broke my heart.
The therapist I’m seeing now has rigid boundaries, that don’t bend. And I test them, I mean I really really test them. It took a year to build enough rapport to tell him any memories. But he knows what he’s doing, he’s honest with me and he hasn’t broken my heart yet. He lets me call and SMS him when I need to. But I can see no end in sight.
I feel slow and stupid. This blog is the first time I’ve been in contact with anyone who know about PTSD and DID.
I still desperately miss the therapist who was a father figure to me, I still bleed from it. I still have to have therapy about my past therapists.
Even if there is no time frame for getting better, knowing what stages there were or a pathway would be good. Or even crumbs in the forest.
Hello, Faith.
I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks, and have a question about host personality. My therapist calls my parts emotional states. Part of me has “known” that I have DID for a few years, but didn’t want to acknowledge it. I had family loyalty drummed into my head at home, and have had a very difficult time acknowledging in therapy that my dad was an abuser. I get so scared that I’m being unfair to him, and when we get close to naming things he did, I get defensive about him. I know that all this is classic behavior, but I keep thinking that just because I act that way, doesn’t mean he was actually abusive. However, another part knows that it is true.
There are things that I remember, but there are a lot of shadows, too. It is a war going on inside of me. While I have struggled to remember my growing up years, my younger sister (deceased) remembered even less than I. It was an older half-sister who came back into my life late, who verified some memories. Yet I still struggle to believe her, or myself.
My question is this: if the host is unaware of the abuse, as I think I read it sometimes is, how do things reveal themselves to the host? Did you experience such a thing, or were you always aware?
I am sixty, and have suffered badly from depression, episodes of anorexia, and much later on, self-injury. In the past ten years, I haven’t had any more instances of anorexia, and made a vow to God that I wouldn’t cut myself again – no matter what. Sometimes that has been hard to keep, but I have. Now it is the depression, anxiety, and memory loss that have been my major problems.
I appreciate your blog. Outside of my therapist, and one other person, there is no one to talk to about this, and it gets pretty lonely carrying it all.
Hi Barbara, I am largely unaware of my other parts. I don’t hear them, sometimes I don’t even believe they exist. But I find things I don’t remember buying. I have to make up with people from fights I don’t remember having. Then there’s losing big chunks of time. But mostly my therapist tells me a part has come out and interacted with them. I find that hard to deal with because I feel very vulnerable. Very exposed. Sometimes things get out through drawings or jounaling. But mostly switching when with my therapist.
I imagine everyone has a different story.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen, Lisa. Lisa said: RT @FaithLotus: How Long Does it Take to Stop #FeelingCrazy?: http://t.co/9ger9Gl #ChildAbuse #PTSD #Healing #emotions [...]
One thing I don’t understand – I’ve “worked through” memories with the best help anyone could ever get , so the most insane memories of incidents where I could have died become dim and I can look at them with my mind’s eye without feeling like I’m soaked through and through with black acid, and the trauma feels like where it really in – in the past and now I can breathe.
However, when I need to talk about the same now-dim memories, I find that they still catch in my throat, they still hurt to force out from my lips. I wonder why…
And yes, some days, I still wonder, how long. I’ve everything that I need, everything that I could ever hope for, I feel like a human being. So, why…?…
Lilo
“Soaked through and through with black acid”
That resonates with me. After that for me is when there is not light, not temperature, and not up and down. For me that is from the times when death was physically imminent. Not the times where I was in danger.
I sometimes can talk about the memories if my hands are doing something. Either drawing or what we call the talking RubiK cube. No it does not talk.
I sometimes bring my own crayons and paper to therapy even though my therapist has a plenty. Then I can draw and talk. It is well not art nor even expressive therapy. It is a way to talk about the memories.
MFF, thanks for an idea.
my hands shake when i talk/think about the memories but keeping them busy with drawing or kubik-rubik or something may help.
i cannot talk or even write the memories in my first language, but it’s much easier for me to do in English. i have no idea why and i wonder if it kinda keeps me at a distance.
This is one of the many reasons I like Faith’s blog I get insight and do not have to suffer for it.
We have many internal languages that others of us do not understand. They are not real languages. Some of us do not read cursive writing. Some read and write upside down and some write backwards.
None under 40 type. So that explains how I can type many things and it does not bother me.
There has been a huge push for years for us to figure out a way to type in our therapists office. We did once and it was crazy hard. We flashed back to it two sessions ago. What happened is our therapist spoke to us and it freaked us out.
I do not see the distancing as a bad thing. It is a way to do work and not have it overwhelming. That being said we all have a need to express sooner or later.
thanks for the idea, too.
I used to be able to talk only with all the lights turned out and I facing away from the listening person…
I’ve come a long way =)
Hi Tentmaker,
I just wanted to reply to your remark about not being able to write/talk about your memories in your first language, but noticing you can do it much more easier in English
It’s the same with me.
I discovered this about a year ago. As for the reason why it’s easier in English (or another second, third, .. language): I have DID, I don’t know if that’s the case with you too. But my most traumatised inside-ones are children who don’t understand English. They never learned to think in English. So when I write/talk to my therapist in English, they don’t get triggered by the words. They don’t mean anything to them.
This way I can share information, memories, flash-backs that I have, without making them feel scared or sad or … It gives me a much bigger freedom to speak.
I don’t know if it keeps you more at a distance per se. As I said, I don’t know your situation. For me, in a way, yes, initially it keeps my traumatised little-ones inside a bit out of the way so I can talk about it to my therapist. But only with the intention to give him more information as to what has happened or is going on, so he can work trough the memories with me and my inner-ones in a later time.
For me it’s a great way of being able to communicate more of what’s going on, not a way of escaping the reality inside and creating a distance.
I hope this makes sense.
hi Chloë!
thank you for your comment, this makes perfect sense!
that’s how i also feel – talking in English makes those words sound less horrible than in my 1st language. and it allows me to put my thoughts and memories into words and get them out. it’s a way easier.
i don’t really know whether i have DID or not. one thing i was also thinking about is that i didn’t express or name my emotions as a child and only learned to do it in college, using English. i know the feeling words in my native language of course, but i didn’t use them much to talk about myself when i was little, so it’s esier for me to express any emotions, positive as well, in English.
but do you have to use the language your little ones understand to deal with them?
Hi Tentmaker,
I’m always glad if people can relate! Just knowing that I’m not alone in these things, makes such a difference.
In your situation it could well be like you say: that you learned to really express your feelings for the first time in English and that that makes it the number one language to communicate your feelings in. You don’t have to have DID for that.
To answer your question: yes, I (and my T also) have to use the language my little ones understand. They are separate/split selves in me and are mainly the age they were split off (they are between 4 and 18). Two of my teens understand English, but not as well as I do. And for the rest of my inner children we have to use their native language AND then also age-appropriate language, because words I can perfectly understand, aren’t always understood by them and sentences that are too complex are sometimes too difficult for them to follow. My T tries his best in this, but sometimes it’s hard for him/the littles to understand the concepts he is explaining to them. It’s quite a challenge in its own.
Good luck to you in your journey!
This blog entry is difficult because its exactly where I am stuck at. I REALLY cant seem to force myself to move forward. one moment I am so completely sure of all my emotions, memories, feelings. and one moment I am just as sure I am evil and sick and none of this could possibly be true. Its a horrible dichotomy, both equally conviced of the truth of their reality. Last session with my t I did speak one piece of a memory. She already knows most of what I know through writing and drawing but very little has been spoken. The times I do speak I feel like the voice is not mine and it is separate. I ineviably spin, sometimes si. That voice is horrible. horrible horrible horrible.
I know I cannot heal until I get passed this. For now I am just praying I dont destroy everything around me as I seem to just fester and rot!
Sending you strength, Palucci.
I’ve gone through several phases, and like most people here, I can’t offer a timeline. I started out feeling crazy for having these unbelievable memories. An important shift came when I started to feel that the memories were making me crazy rather than that I was crazy for having them. Lately, I’ve begun to realize that I’ve developed really good healing skills. The crazy in my life is because I have more challenges to deal with than some others, not because I’m inherently unstable.
Like others have said, it’s not a linear path and I sometimes revisit older patterns, but all in all, I can feel that I’m making progress.
thanks Sarah. and what you say “An important shift came when I started to feel that the memories were making me crazy rather than that I was crazy for having them”.
is so simple but so um… cant find the word… eye-opening…? I am grateful you have developed some really good healing skills… I have a few… opposite action and grounding seem to be the ones I am most using right now…
Wishing you strength and peace and safety too, Sarah…
palucci