On my blog entry entitled Why I Relate So Strongly to Nina in “Black Swan”, a reader posted the following question:
Is being a childish adult also an effect of abuse? ~ Tentmaker
The short answer is yes – childishness can be an aftereffect of child abuse, and you don’t have to be childish in all areas of your life. In some areas of my life, I was very mature for my age. However, I was still very much a child in other areas.
This is just my own speculation, but that I think that the childishness comes from unmet needs in childhood. There is no question that children who suffer from ongoing severe abuse fail to have certain emotional needs met, with safety being the first obvious unmet need. I have written about the topic of unmet needs in great detail here, so I won’t repeat myself in this blog entry.
Some child abuse survivors, particularly if they were abused by their parents or guardians, might be childish or immature in many areas of their life. I suspect this is because the abuser wants to keep the child dependent. I saw this a lot over at Making Daughters Safe Again, which is a support website for survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse. Many women whose mothers sexually abused them throughout their childhood had trouble finding a way to break away from their mothers and achieve independent living.
Your reaction to the child abuse does not have to be that extreme, though. My forty-year-old sister wears her hair in pigtails, complete with little girl-style hair pieces, whenever she is in a bad mood. She says that it is impossible to be in a bad mood when you are wearing pigtails. (I replied, “Try me!” LOL) I wore my hair in a ponytail with little girl bows well into my thirties. I was also drawn to little girl types of clothing, such as sweaters with big teddy bears on them. My sister is obsessed with Disney World in part because it brings back happy childhood memories from an otherwise dismal childhood.
Another observation I have made is that many people who struggle with being childish in some areas of their lives are dealing with alter parts. (This is not always true – just something I have noticed.) When one of my young alter parts is out, I might feel a strong need to suck my thumb. I am a very responsible and mature adult and would never suck my thumb publicly, but I must confess that when this alter part comes out, I feel a very strong need to do it. Sometimes when I do something fun for my kid, such as ride on a merry-go-round, an alter part will “come out” and thoroughly enjoy it.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
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I can relate to this, particularly the part about child alters. I am usually quite mature, but when a child alter comes out, I act very childish, eithe rpositively (enjoying child activities) or negatively (reacting in a childish way emotionally).
I feel the void of knowing or being able to figure out some things. Like a part of my brain is not functioning. Like a math word problem. Situations out of my range. I feel everything is my fault- that feels like truth. I can tell my reactions to some simple situations are not mature. there is not a buffer between 0 and 10 often times and even though i can hold my outward reaction well, inside i am a mess. fuzzy thinking, numb, trembling. There is so much to undo and learn. i wonder if it is possible or if i am not supposed to be here?
wow…I can really relate to this post.
Other than my therapist I do not think anyone would call me childish. Child like yes.
I worry more about becoming adultish. Thinking football or a classical music concert are important.
I find it adultish that a psychiatrist who have never worked with anyone who has healed to consider themselves an expert on mental illness and find those that believe in those psychiatrists to be childish.
With the work of therapy I do things as a child so much so that my respiratory pattern matches that of a child. That is something that I can do and must do to heal. There is not and end goal to make it stop it just does.
Hi, MFF.
I like the term “child-like” better than “childish.” I am rarely immature (which is what I consider “childish” in an adult), but I am definitely “child-like” in different areas.
- Faith
I’ve heard or read or both (can’t remember) that there are parts of ourselves that have emotional arrested growth that begins the time of the abuse. So, if you were abused beginning at 5, then some of your emotional maturity is that of a five year old.
I’m not sure how much else there is to the theory, but it makes a certain amount of sense. I don’t know that I think it’s true for everyone or every situation, but I think it can be a good guideline…. unless you were abused as an infant. I don’t remember anything about that kind of situation.
As always, good post Faith.
mia
I am the same in a way. I was much more mature for my age. In other areas, even as an adult, I have a very prevalent “inner child.” I exhibited this at Disney World. I will also find interest in shoes that can be decorated, a child’s plastic take-home cup from a restaurant, having a blanket at home most times that makes me feel secure. Those are some examples of how my “inner child” is comforted after childhood abuse.
They are unique feelings. I am happy that as adults we are still able to get “in touch” with our childlike perspectives. In therapy, I am exploring that this ability also increases the healing response.
hi Faith!
thank you for answering my question!
i can relate to that too. besides i look younger than i really am and dressing like a kid adds to that. my family keeps telling me to grow up and my friends worry when they see how i switch from being child-like and silly to serious and depressed.
so what is supposed to happen when you heal? do you stop being childlike?
and thanks for the link about unmet needs – i’m reading them now.
Uh huh. When traums begins early in life, like say toddlerish age or younger, the brain does not grow hence mature in specific ways. So the individual is left.
i can really relate as well – I still suck my thumb constantly and have a blanket I carry around all the time….never conected this to the abuse but maybe it is?
Oh my goodness, I relate to this so much. I constantly wear my hair in pigtails or braided pigtails. I dress very childishly. I like swinging and playgrounds.
And now I know at least some of this *is* related to insiders. As far as we can tell, all our insiders are under 18! We got a pacifier for a 4-year-old insider, because she was biting our fingers for comfort.
But even without that, I’m childish. And child-like. People think I’m childish because I’m 23, have a B.A. in Psychology, and yet can’t drive and have never had a job. It’s hard of me to ever think of myself as an adult. It’s like I’m chronologically grown-up, but that’s the only way. I’ve never felt like an adult, I still feel like a little girl. [And that is helped by the fact that I ALSO look much younger than I am--and sound much younger than I am. I've been mistaken for a 12-year-old in appearance and a 10-year-old on the phone. =/]