On my blog entry entitled Awakening to My Anxiety Issues, a reader posted the following comment:
I have at times had people tell me I come off as anxious or intense. It really pisses me off when someone tells me that because I am not aware of feeling anxious at the time, and although I know what intensity looks like when I see it in others, I do not feel like I am coming off as intense when people say this to me. It is like I am trying to figure out how not to appear anxious or intense, even if I am on the inside. ~ Elaine
Elaine’s entire comment really resonated with me, but I want to focus specifically on this part of the comment for this blog entry. As I read her comment, I just nodded my head in agreement because I feel like that a lot of the time.
At my core, I am an intense person (as you probably picked up on based on the content of this blog!). I can joke around and have fun at times, but that is not my baseline. I am an intense person because I have endured intense things, and healing from those intense traumas is equally intense.
Like Elaine, I have found myself in uncomfortable situations when I “freaked out” other people by my intensity, and I was completely unaware of being intense in the moment. One example was with a couple of close friends. We were talking about our parenting when our children were babies. I thought I was just sharing how much more uptight I used to be about making sure my child got enough vegetable, etc., versus now. Apparently my sharing was far too intense for either of them. One friend got up and said she needed a few minutes to breathe. I looked at the other, truly puzzled. She said that I got way too intense there. The message I take away from these incidents is that it is not okay for me to be myself.
Like Elaine, I can recognize intensity in others but not in myself. When I see someone who is more intense than I am, I think to myself, “You really need to breathe, dear.” Quite frankly, most people are more laid back than I am, so whenever I view someone else as intense, I know that they are really tightly wound.
I don’t like having to pretend that I am not who I am. I am an intense person. I try to match my behavior to the situation, but I always want to be me. For example, out of respect for the members of my Sunday School class, I will refrain from using foul language. I am still myself: I am just being respectful of who I am with. However, when it comes to friendships, I need my friends to be able to accept “me,” and who I am is intense at times. In fairness, both of the friends in my example have been there for me through intense stuff. I apparently just caught them off guard in this situation.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
I can TOTALLY relate. I have been accused of being too intense. In fact, I feel like Ive spent so much of my time monitoring how much people can handle of me. Sometimes, they can only handle a sliver before you see the doors go up on their eyes and they look a little wild-eyed or even like they want to escape.
Lately, i’ve stopped. I’ve decided that people can either accept me for who i am and where i am or they aren’t worth it. I’ve had alot of changes in my life that have helped me reach this point. I mean, the last thing I want to be for ANYONE is too much. so i think i monitor still, but just from a different motive? The motive of care rather than fear that I’m too much…don’t know if that makes sense.
Like the topic. Like how you said, intense because of intense past and intense energy to heal. Good stuff as always, Faith.
Journal of Healing
The best I can explain about my intensity is that it seems like the times it is commented on are those times I am struggling to stay afloat. I may think that I am presenting just fine, but it seems like others pick up my inner sense of desperation for whatever is hurting to start feeling better. There are times the child like parts of me, are just desperately wanting someone who can “fix it.” In those times I think people sense my silent imploring. There is another thing though that doesn’t have to do with my issues, but with society in general and its discomfort with pain. Sometimes when I am really going through things, even my closest friend- even those who are fellow therapists seem to not be able to handle it. One of those friends always seems to end our conversations by saying, “so it sounds like you’re starting to feel a little better.” That tends to unnerve me because most of the time I am not. The issue is though that she really needs me to be feeling better because she doesn’t know what to do or say about the pain. It’s like when other people just don’t want you to talk about something anymore. They can’t deal with hearing about painful things. Of course anyone with PTSD knows that talking about it over and over again sometimes is the only relief you can get when the pressure builds up.
I can contrast this with my “non-intense” personality traits. I have a good sense of humor, I like to be silly and play practical jokes, and I often present a calm presence. Being a therapist myself, I have often had clients in groups of mine comment about how laid back I seem. I don’t think I am faking it at those times. I think I am just “managing” it, or an truly in an OK place. What I have concluded about this issue of intensity (at least for me) is that is a matter of whether I feel empowered or not. Other terms that have been used to describe me are passionate, high energy, etc. And I am very passionate about my work and my beliefs, and in those times I can be tireless. I think all those things involve an intensity- it just depends whether the intensity is “need” driven, or a drivenness due to feeling empowered.
Word for word, Elaine OMG. Here are 4 bonus breaths for you today! Sounds like you are on a strong path to healing. envy… envy…. envy….
I can relate. I am often told that I should be more laid back, even when I’m not aware that I am reacting in an intense way. I think in my case it has in part to do with my past, but also with the fact that I am autistic and therefore more sensitive than most people. I am not sure however whether I understand you correctly when you describe “intense”, so maybe I’m confusing intense and sensitive.
Hi, Astrid.
Others probably see my intensity as passionate, overly focused, or single-minded. On a basketball court, intensity is admired. In day-to-day life, people are freaked out by it unless I direct my intensity toward something that is beneficial to them, such as helping them fix a problem.
- Faith
Nothing useful to add, but I too relate. I hate that I can’t be ‘me’ in certain circles, but am increasingly thinking, “sod it”. If people find me too much, then they do. I can’t disenfranchise myself by being something I’m not – though, that said, I hope that with further healing the intensity may be less visible.
I used to get a lot of ” you don’t smile enough” and “you’re so serious all the time” and more comments like that…. “You always look you’ve lost your best friend”. Hmmmmm… interesting.
I used to bartend, so I guess smiling is expected. Funny, I thought my job was just to sling drinks and make sure nobody ran low. Smiling wasn’t in my job description at all!
Now I’m just sort of a hermit.
Empathizing,
mia
“She said that I got way too intense there. The message I take away from these incidents is that it is not okay for me to be myself.”
My former therapist once said that I am very intense. And the tone and context in which it was said made me feel like it is not okay for me to be myself. I struggle with that feeling a lot and have for all of my life even when no one is around saying things like that. Which is partly why I was unable to write back when you so generously and kindly responded to my recent desperation. Thank you, Faith. You are a truly good person and I thank you for caring. I know you didn’t have to, but you did anyway and it means a lot to me.
Hi, EH.
Your intensity did not bother me a bit. I have been there (and still go there), so I am not overwhelmed by it at all. Feel free to email me again whenever you are in that place. :0)
- Faith
I am intense. So much so I am with people for short period of time, just works better. I do not work on being less intense it changes as I process the trauma.
I am aware that I get more intense when something is going on inside that is not related to what is going on in the present.
You start talking about law enforcement and inside I am going to the police that tortured and sexually abused me.
You start talking about educators and inside I am got to the many educators that tortured and sexually abused me.
Etc.
I have what I call an intellectual integrity that allows us to discuss topic on topic. It is not dissociation.
Note: I am doing something someone approves of I am tenacious. If they do not approve I am belligerent. I am the same it is their perception.
Hi, MFF.
“Note: I am doing something someone approves of I am tenacious. If they do not approve I am belligerent. I am the same it is their perception.”
I love this! That is so true!! When my intensity is helping a friend solve a problem or helping a volunteer task get completed more quickly, my intensity is applauded. It is only when my intensity does not benefit others that it is suddenly viewed as a “bad” thing.
- Faith
I am aware that I am replying to myself.
It occurred to me that often when I get intense in speech it is I am not saying what I want so the emotion comes out as inappropriate with what I am saying.
I often talk fast when I am not saying what I want. I even write a lot and fast when I am not writing or saying what I want.
Often I do not know what I want to write or say.
Regarding the issue of feeling like you can’t be who you really are. I used to deal with that a lot, and every time someone complained about “how i was” it felt really awful. But I also learned that in those days it was because I so desperately needed to feel known and accepted by others. I do think we have a deep need to feel like someone really knows us, and accepts us because that helps us in accepting ourselves at the deepest level. Now if we got that as children, it isn’t such a struggle as we get older, but if you didn’t get that basic message as a child and you felt like parts of yourself were unacceptable, then there is more of a need to get it when you are older. But I also found out (often the hard way), that if you run around dumping everything about yourself (not just facts, but inner emotional states) on people then you are likely to get a fair share of rejection and just have that negative message from the past that it isn’t acceptable to be you. I’ve had two people say things to me about this though that have really stuck with me. One person interpreted the the Biblical passage saying “don’t cast your pearls before swine” as meaning that those deep things in us are our pearls- they are precious things. If a person can’t honor and respect them, they aren’t worth sharing them with.
Another person one time made the comment to me that sometimes it is just kindness to NOT dump all of us on to another person. The point being -other people have lots of stuff going on for them too, sometimes not putting too much of ourselves out there is just an act of kindness (love) to them so we don’t overwhelm them with more (or perhaps trigger them in their stuff).
Now the point of how this connects with intensity is that some people just don’t get it and will not treat it with respect (these would be the “swine’). Others are already carrying such a heavy load, that it would be too hard on them for us to add to it.
I once had a client tell me that when I start talking fast it makes her anxious. (I talk fast even when I am not intense), but it really led me to realize that it is more than me just worrying about people letting “me be me.” I have to also let them be them- and the relationship part of it is being aware and loving toward others by having awareness of how we might have an adverse affect on them without meaning to.
I can definitely relate to this also. I get overly talkative and excited easily. Its hard to recognize it in yourself. I think I do this when I’m anxious and don’t realize it.
Ah, this is the kind of intensity that I am uncomfortable with. Not because they are too intense, but because I grew up in a household where unrecognized anxiety got dumped on the kids. I’ve been trying to pay attention to my reaction instead of blaming the other person. This approach has led to some interesting insights about my mother, who is largely kept behind a black curtain in my mind. It’s also helped me maintain certain friendships that I don’t want to lose.
I hope my reply isn’t upsetting, hekate. This is something that friends I care about do, and I want to understand my reaction so I don’t hurt them. I don’t know if I explained myself well.
Just so no one things I am so far ahead in healing, I really need to let you all know how much I admire all of you. I have not been through the types of things you have. Sometimes I kind of wonder if I could have even lived through the things that you have. My story is different, although I did end up with PTSD, and have experienced a more recent traumatization that sent me way back into it. The level of dissociation I have experience in my life is more of a feeling like I am not really present in my own life. Of course now that I have fought my way through that one, some times I wish I still didn’t feel present in my own life.
I really know myself to be a big whimp who has no reason to experience the kind of pain that I do at times. I do understand the complications of dissociative disorders, but I have to admit there are times I wish I could create an alter who could either hold my pain while I go on being functional, or let the alter go on being functional so no one expects things of me when I am overwhelmed. I hope that doesn’t sound offensive to anyone. I am just aware of my own desire to run and hide, while at the time people still expect me to function.
It is you guys who are my heros. You have already survived the worst. Now you just have to grow into the understanding that you have already won.
Elaine,
I am not saying this is a good idea only that it worked for me. We created a temporary host to deal with the now. Pretty much he had no responsibility he just kept track of things. If he could not than it did not matter he was temporary and had no history. He is gone now and we did not even notice that he left.
He was pretty much all intellectual in that he had not emotion. He never failed and he never had any real responsibility. We never gave him a name and he never took one.
Hi, Elaine.
I disagree with this statement:
“I really know myself to be a big whimp who has no reason to experience the kind of pain that I do at times.”
I think you are a strong woman and that you experience the pain that you do because you were hurt. I would honor and express that pain without minimizing it.
I do believe that DID is a gift, and I have trouble giving advice to friends who don’t have this gift when they want to know how to function when they are very triggered. I have the gift of “switching” when I need to, so I am amazingly adaptable. I don’t like how I got this way, but I do appreciate having this ability when needed.
- Faith
I had an encounter like this with a couple of good friends two months ago. I was shocked by how deeply it cut, and how difficult it has been to get over it.
Everyone’s comments helps me to understand better why.
I have actually never had anyone tell me that I was being too intense–which if you really think about it, is a little strange. For me, I hold EVERYTHING inside! I learned a long time ago, that it isn’t okay to show anything other than being ‘okay.’ I was always told that children are to be seen and not heard, and showing any sort of emotions went along with that. Even if/when I talk about the things that happened, I am more reserved. I don’t get angry, (atleast not at them). What do I do? I cry. I have held it inside for so long, and I have only blamed myself.
To MFF- I’d love to think that I could create someone like this to take care of some things, but I think I am probably too old to learn how to dissociate to that degree. I know that this silly speculation of mine is all probably contrary to the idea of healing. It is just my way of wondering if there are some coping mechanisms I could develop short term to help. See people who have the primary defense of dissociation learned that early on when that was all they had, and it just came natural to them. I grew up with life being sort of perfect, so I never knew there was anything to cope with. Then real life hit me like a ton of bricks, and I have never done “coping” very well. I just want things “fixed” so I don’t have to suffer anymore. It is the spoiled bratt part of me that I still deal with.
I remember talking to a friend of mine with DID about how different our backgrounds were, and yet how we dealt with the same issues. Her growing up had been horrendous, but she didn’t know about it till she was 42 years old because it was all dissociated. I grew up with life being good, and didn’t know there was bad stuff out there till I was an adult. So we were both in a similar position of being smacked in the face with life, rather than developing the type of coping mechanisms most people do as they go along in life. So for both of us it was like reaching adulthood still being very naive, and not being sure how to handle reality.
Elaine,
Other than complex psychotherapy and complex expressive therapy I pretty much do everything contrary to the theory of healing from DID.
I heal from PTSD by processing the trauma and being separate takes care of itself.
I do not dissociate I create. I am not saying that dissociation does not exist, it has nothing to do with my experience and is not the result of the trauma I experienced.
For me there is no better way to cope than my multiplicity. We do need to cope with the now so we can address the cause of our PTSD. If coping becomes the focus that that is all we accomplish.
In a real way those of us that are able to create are the ones that can figure out how to heal. For us it was not using their energy for coping in the now so they could create a way to heal.
Part of creating is could be seen as dissociation. Going to a place in my mind that is not taught, not learned rather it is taught and learned not to dissociate. Labeling this ability as dissociation for me is calling it the problem when it is the solution.
Hi, Michael.
That is such a great point! Many of the resources I read consider having an alter part to be “rejecting” a part of yourself, but sometimes it is creating to heal rather than rejecting a part of yourself.
For example, I created a “good mommy” alter part a few years ago who “takes care of me” when I am very sick or very triggered. I visualize her being my sentry with a loaded shotgun when I am fearful to sleep. When I am very sick, she nurtures me and tells me the things I need to hear to nurse me through it. I see this as creating a nurturing and loving environment for myself rather than a “rejection” of a part of myself.
- Faith
To Michael and to Faith- This is all very interesting to me. I was afraid that what I was saying would be upsetting to the rest of you who struggle with dissociative issues, and here I am wondering how to create them. I too believe DID is a gift. One of the clients I had who was diagnosed with DID, PTSD, and major Depression, I always told her that her DID was a gift, the PTSD was an injury, and the depression was an illness- and “getting rid of” being multiple was never on the agenda for us. I also see the DID as a process of creating. Since my trauma did not happen at a very early age, I have questioned by ability to “create” at the level where I do not have to be in touch with the injured parts of me while I heal. So Michael, are you saying that you can create, but you don’t lose awareness of the other parts of you who are injured? Or in other words, don’t lose time? I some times do self-hypnosis and go to other places for relaxation, self-discovery, etc., but had only recently thought of going there to see if I could meet another “me” to help me with the daily coping.
There have many times when I have wished that I had other personalities to deal with the h@@l in my head! While I do realize that a lot of the people that follow this site, have DID, I don’t. I have to deal with everything on my own! I would really like to see more about helping those of us without DID. It is frustrating sometimes, because I can’t relate to all of this DID stuff. I try to take what I can from what people post and talk about, but for the most part, it doesn’t have a lot of meaning for me.
To Theresa- Just a quick comment from someone that is somewhat in the middle. I don’t have have DID, but I have lived very closely to the inside reality of people who do. I think this website can address all kinds of aspects of things for someone who has gone through abuse or traumatization.
People who have developed DID is because their traumatization began at a very young age, when the only coping mechanism they had was dissociation. It is an interesting and creative way to live, but as they start realizing the downsides that come with it, and learn to bring more into consciousness, they also learn they have to develop other coping mechanisms to deal with the stuff in life. Although they may always maintain the ability to dissociate, that is not usually satisfactory to them to use on a regular basis because it often means missing time. I am making very generalized statements here. So those of you with DID, please understand that I know it is much more complicated than that. But my point to Theresa is that ultimately we all have a lot in common in terms of trying to deal with life’s difficulties, especially if there is a history of trauma.
I don’t know how long you have been reading the blogs or if you have gone through any of the older ones you can access on the website, but it is likely that you can find all kinds of things that you feel relate to you.
Your comment sounds like you are pretty frustrated, so I am thinking maybe you are looking for something in particular you haven’t found yet. I’d encourage you to email Faith Allen directly with the issues that you are concerned about, and it is likely that she will find ways of bringing those topics into the blog.
I’m the same way as well. I have never been able to be myself around my family. I know that my parents can’t handle that.
Also most people I know and even strangers react to me like I give off some kind of vibe that creeps them out or something.
What an interesting discussion. I’m glad I found it.
I was having a conversation with a friend last night about my intensity. He was telling me how it used to drive him nuts but now he accepts it and quite likes it. I told him that’s probably because I have changed since undergoing therapy and I now make more of an effort to listen to what the other person is saying, something I didn’t do very well ten years ago.
He agreed.
I’m also much more aware now of where this intensity came from in the first place.
It came from a feeling of desperation. I had a narcissistic mother who did not listen to me (or anyone else) and was emotional and intellectually absent. It was all about her. I never felt listened to by her or cared for for being me.
It was only after I made a four year commitment to cognitive behaviour therapy that I discovered why I had such a desperate need to connect with others and to be heard. Simply put, I never felt that connection growing up and was hell bent on finding it.
I did find it but because I was so damaged from the emotional and physical abuse I got growing up from my father, I needed therapy to heal and understand what had happened to me before I could move on.
To this day, I am still intense but much more aware of overwhelming people and try not to. I have both laid back and intense friends and I just accept them for who they are and they do the same with me.
Interestingly, my current partner is laid back. Very laid back. But this relationship works beautifully. Seems my relationships with men who are as intense as I am haven’t worked out at all! They are just TOO intense!