Yesterday’s blog entry Dealing with Judgmental People/Stigma of Child Abuse got a little long, so I had to end it before I was finished with the topic. This blog entry continues the discussion. I will be focusing on the stigma of child abuse.
From what I understand, in some circles there is a stigma associated with having been abused as a child. I say that this is something that I “understand” rather than “experience” because I will not spend two seconds with a jack@$$ who is going to judge me because other people hurt me. Anyone who thinks that there is something wrong with me because a predator hurt me as a child is completely uneducated about child abuse. I am happy to try to educate him if he is open to it. Otherwise, he can go straight to h@#$ as far as I am concerned. I am not going to spend one second of my life enduring the judgmental stares and whispers from people who are that woefully uninformed about the realities of child abuse.
My attitude toward any “stigma” of child abuse has evolved from developing a deep love and acceptance of myself. It also comes from having interacted with hundreds of child abuse survivors, both online and offline, and seeing the amazing strength that they have. As a group, child abuse survivors have seen the worst in humanity but still find a way to have compassion, kindness, and goodness inside of them. Everyone wants a hero, and heroes abound in the circle of child abuse survivors. Anyone who is too ignorant to see this is not worth a minute of my time.
Gaining confidence in your story and the power of the healing process will do wonders toward your ability to stop giving a d@#$ about any possible stigma for having been abused as a child. I climb up on my soapbox about child abuse in all sorts of places, the most surprising place to many being at my local United Methodist Church, where I am an active member. I have made elderly women’s hair curl in shock in response to ignorant statements that they have made when the subject comes up. (I participate in a lot of Bible studies by Beth Moore, who was, herself, sexually abused as a child, and she weaves this theme into many of her studies.)
When one woman said that, in her day, you minded your own business and did not get involved in other people’s problems, I said, “That is exactly how my abusers managed to abuse me for a decade. The Bible says it is your responsibility to speak out for those who have no voice.” When a woman tried to defend abusive mothers by saying that all mothers just do the best they can, I replied, “I’m sorry, but raping your child is not doing the best that you can.”
When the topic of forgiveness comes up at church, I am always quick to remind people that forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. If they argue with me, I raise the topic of the woman who was raped jogging in Central Park. I asked if she is now required to eat her Thanksgiving dinner with her rapist as a show of forgiveness. They, of course, say no. I say that a parent raping a child numerous times is much more heinous than an adult raping another adult one time in a public park, so why do you expect that grown child to do something you would not ask of an adult rape victim?
I have gone too long again. Can you tell that I am passionate about this topic?
Photo credit: Hekatekris
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YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Faith way to go.
Spoke to us, woke us up and really did us good reading this today.
It was the breath of fresh air we needed. The way back to the fight.
The truth we are not to blame.
We were the child our parents and abusers were the guilty ones.
It helped blow away some of the cobwebs and shake us into reality, we are a survivor and not a victim.
Thank you anon
[...] Stigma of Child Abuse « Blooming Lotus [...]
Keep writing, Faith.. we need to hear this message, I do.
I do not feel the victim, but i do not connect yet with myself as good or confident. Working through recognizing, feeling, and holding the feelings. Seems impossible. Feel as if i am walking on a rotted path and i am not sure if the next step will send me back to those moments for good or if i will stay on top of it. I am feeling so temporary, but believe if I keep looking for the truth, eventually it will look differently than i now see it as my fault.
Hear, hear. This has made me feel stronger about tackling stigma. Thank you, Faith.
Thank you again for such a powerful message. I completely agree with Anon, this put some “pep in my step’ today!
On forgiveness:
I just heard a wonderful definition of forgiveness on the Oprah show a couple days ago, it was profound for me. I’m paraphrasing here: “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
I have struggled with forgiveness for decades. At the age of eighteen, I left my family of origin (FOO). Have not spoken to any of them except my three siblings since then. I’m 35 now and continue to battle with bitterness against my FOO. Faith, all your posts on forgiveness have helped me heal and reconcile my faith/beliefs that I do NOT have to have any contact with them. I believe they continue to be dysfunctional and it would not be in my best interest to be around them.
On stigma’s:
About five years ago (early in my recovery process), I accidentally came accross a printed out email my MIL sent to one of her daughters regarding me…..in the email the MIL told her daughter how thankful she was the G*d protected her three children under an umbrella of protection, etc… and how regarding me, that the “apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.
Whoa! This stung me to my core! At that point in my healing, I did not need to see such judgment against me. It was devastating. I absolutely know MIL is a flawed being that lives in her own reality. But it saddens me that this type of stigma exists in the world.
I’ve more recently starting to be more vocal about my abuse and past. I think this comes with healing and confidence (for me). My hope is that I can help educate people and the stigma regarding childhood abuse (and all mental health issues) will begin to lesson over time. Thank you Faith, for putting out knowledge of abuse on the blog!!
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
I like that!
I think another way of saying the same thing is reaching a place where you find a way to be OK with who you are today and not need a different past to be OK with yourself. :0)
- Faith
You nailed it Faith!
Thanks for this post, Faith. I am particularly intrigued by the “doing the best they can” part re parents. My parents did do what they thought was good (I’d endured only physical and emotional hurting, no sexual abuse), adn everyone around me claims their behavior was response to my disabilities, but at the same time, that makes me feel bad about myself because I want to accept myself incluidng my disabilities. And blaming my disabilities for teh hurt I suffered at the hands of my parents is essentially blaming me.
QUOTE: …everyone around me claims their behavior was response to my disabilities…
Hi Astrid,
What I’ve learned is just because “everyone” or anyone says something about me or a situation, DOES NOT make it true. It is only their perception of the truth, their ignorance. NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER is it ok for an adult (parent) to harm a child (physically, emotionally, sexually, etc). I have known several friends, acquantences that have children with diabilities that due not harm their children. Faith herself has spoken openly about her son’s disability, she would NEVER harm him or use it as an excuse to harm him. That is what your parents and “everyone” is doing, is using your disability as a way to excuse your parents abhorring behaviors. It is not your fault, you are not to blame. It is not your fault, you are not to blame.
Hi, Astrid.
My son has disabilities — attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), asthma, and across-the-board learning disabilities. This is not a free pass to beat him or belittle him. He is not a label — he is a child with a unique gift to bring to the world.
Yes, parenting him is much more challenging than the level of work I see some other parents putting into parenting their children w/o disabilities. I see his disabilities as a higher responsibility/calling to be his advocate. He needs me to fight for him — from educating his teachers on how to work with him; to finding a better school to meet his needs; to advocating for him when the expectations of others are unreasonable.
Even at his special private school (which is a wonderful school), I have had to advocate for him because they were giving him too much homework (over 90 minutes a night). Nobody on the planet loves this child more than I do, and nobody knows him better. Nobody is going to fight for him like I am, and I take this responsibility very seriously.
That is the attitude that a parent of a child with special needs/disabilities needs to have. My son did not ask to be born with these issues, and he truly cannot help doing some things that can be tiresome or just plain annoying at times. However, I am the adult, and I have to find a way to take care of him and meet my own emotional needs without taking them out on him.
If I can do it with my own issues of DID and PTSD, then your parents could do it without abusing you. They don’t get a free pass. They should have been your advocates, not your abusers.
- Faith
I love this bit:
“Anyone who thinks that there is something wrong with me because a predator hurt me as a child is completely uneducated about child abuse. I am happy to try to educate him if he is open to it. Otherwise, he can go straight to h@#$ as far as I am concerned. I am not going to spend one second of my life enduring the judgmental stares and whispers from people who are that woefully uninformed about the realities of child abuse.”
I deal with it by taking a very clinical objective view of what happened; I realise that these events only took place because the perps decided to make them happen. If they hadn’t happened to me they would have happened to anyone else who’d been in my position. Anyone who thinks I have anything to be ashamed of is not only wrong morally, but in a strictly technical sense. I’m a bit of a geek, and science really helps me out sometimes!
I’ll take credit for how I’ve dealt with it though of course
.
Hi, Jan.
That sounds like a great strategy! My sister is a scientist, and she does the same thing.
- Faith
Stigma and ignorance is pervading.
If I say I have PTSD it is assumed I was in combat and in Vietnam. If I say I have PTSD from childhood trauma it is assumed I was sexually molested by a priest. If I say I experienced extreme trauma than it is assumed I mean worse than other people.
The best solution I ever came up with was I experienced nonfamiliar trauma on the level of a prisoner of war before I was 14.
I know a few prisoners of war and they have there own stigma. I met one who says he has to deal with the concept that the Hanoi Hilton which was where the officers went was where the worst torture happened and they had to deal with what went on in the jungle. My point is ignorance abounds.
I do not really know why I am kind and compassionate. I like to believe it is my being. I do not know what would have happened if I grew up in a cult family. No way I could.
I find many that are working to heal from childhood trauma to be kinda and compassionate. I do not extend this understanding to all that are trying to heal. Some survivors for what ever reason are not kind and compassionate. Charles Manson comes to mind.
Hi Michael,
Interesting comment. I would agree that Charles Manson is not kind and compassionate. I think he and all of our abusers should not be labeled as survivors. I think they are all still victims….actually I think they are much worse. They did not choose to heal. They chose to continue the cycle.
I believe those of us who have seeked help and healing, are the survivors. And I believe for whatever reason, we have a resilience about us that others lack. Resilience is baffling to me, I cannot put my finger on it…how do you get it, how does it manifest in oneself? Are you born with it? My perception is, resilience is learned through hardships and difficulties. It is one of the ways we all survived. It’s a beautiful word, one of my favorite words.
Hi, Michael.
I don’t consider Charles Manson a “survivor” of child abuse. Instead, I would call him a “victim.” We are “victims” until we choose to heal. Most survivors I meet are compassionate. I agree that many victims are not.
- Faith
Oh
I did not understand survivors to mean those that attempt to heal. It may be as I know children that died at the hands of my abusers and so any that did not die are survivors.
I understand now how the term is being used. I do wonder if the world at large uses the term in the same way.
Anyone who voluntarily walks into a hospital or a therapists office and asks for help is courageous in my judgment.
I have been thinking of this all day. I right now am headed towards being more judgmental. Experiencing trauma does not mean I gave up my right to judgment. I choose to not think highly of people who hide there head in the sand. That sort of thing.
Hi, Michael.
I don’t think it is a universal distinction. I think I got the terminology from the “Survivor the Thriver Manual,” which was (and might still be) affiliated with http://www.isurvive.org. I spent years healing at that website, so that terminology became “normal” to me. If it wasn’t from that manual, then it was something another survivor posted there that stuck in that community of survivors. Isurvive refers a lot of people over here, so that is likely why some readers were familiar with this while you were not. :0)
This is how I view it. A victim is anyone who suffers from child abuse. A survivor is someone trying to heal and overcome it. A thriver is someone who has healed enough to feel more empowered than victim. A conqueror (my personal terminology and goal) is someone who is completely at peace with the past, present, and future. I doubt that a conqueror status can be achieved in this lifetime, but I like having that goal to aim myself toward. :0)
Re: judgment — Yes, I am with you on that. Some people try to excuse some of what my mother/abuser did to me because she was abused herself. I point out that I was abused just as badly and would never harm my son. That’s no excuse. That is a judgment, but I think it is a reasonable judgment.
- Faith
Faith, we need more people to have passion like yours about child abuse and about judgments. Thank you for saying your truth. When more and more of us find our passion about the horrors of child abuse, we will be able to prevent the next generation of children from being abused. Passion brings awareness to others.
Yes, I can tell you are passionate and thank you! The most liberating thing with fellow child abuse survivors is that where one feels silenced, there is another who will use their voice! It takes a healing journey to get to a place where you can speak up for yourself and other CSA survivors. Therefore, I feel all CSA victims on the path to healing themselves have this potential, and we should expect it from ourselves when we are ready.
Thank you for explaining the good point of “forgiveness” vs. reconciliation as well.
I really like these two related posts. Judgments from others can be difficult to deal with…even when we don’t really care what they think. It is just the idea that we have to continually deal with it (like from family) and that there are expectations…another reality to deal with. My MIL is a sweet woman…but I hate her thought that I should just “get over it”. I know she has been through a lot in her almost 80 years, but my experience is not hers.
I struggle with some of my interactions with others. Thankfully, I have been able to stay at home most of my adult life. I really don’t know that I could have held it together if I had had to continue working outside my home. PTSD can be difficult. Even now, I have symptoms that show up from time to time…symptoms that would make full time working very hard.
I struggle with getting triggered and losing my train of thought and not being able to think of a very common word for something. I struggle with feeling as if I look dumb or stupid because of stuff going on inside.
Thank you for your thoughts on this. I find them to be very validating.
Hi onesurvivor
I just want to jump in here and say that this
“I struggle with getting triggered and losing my train of thought and not being able to think of a very common word for something. I struggle with feeling as if I look dumb or stupid because of stuff going on inside”
really rings so true for me. In fact it’s one of the main reasons I don’t socialise very much. When my mind is clear I’m very articulate, with a large vocabulary, and then suddenly I get distracted, or tiredness washes over me, and I can’t pull my attention back to the conversation without very obvious effort. It makes it difficult to hide problems from other people. I have a few acquaintances who are very principled in theory, and would never condemn me for having mental health problems, but they still act as if “Oh my G-d, something weird is happening!” when I get confused. I don’t know, I feel that that’s still stigmatising in a way because they’re seeing my “abnormality” rather than seeing me.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. I don’t know if this causes you problems with other people or if it’s just a worry, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
Hi, Jan,
I relate to what you wrote a LOT…very articulate and poised and then stumbling and a bit confused.
I know that my friends would “understand”…or at least not judge me. I know that. But when it comes to having any kind of professional role where I need to have my wits about me all the time…that is where I get concerned.
I think some of it is also the past encroaching on the now. Old messages/experiences get triggered where my perceptions of the now are, perhaps, clouded by the perceptions of the past. I am, in those moments, not sure whether I am just hearing old messages about how I think people are responding or if they are actually responding that way.
LOL I don’t know if any of that made sense. It is difficult to articulate.
Some of it, of course, is simply that I prefer to be at home and not around other people when that happens. So, if I am out and what you describe happens, I want to go home where I am more comfortable. It isn’t even always about others, but more about my own comfort level.
Hi, Onesurvivor.
You can reach a place where you no longer care about other people’s expectations. I know that sounds completely foreign because I used to be in the same place.
Nobody else has any power over how you feel about yourself — all of that is internally generated. Yes, the people in your life can be manipulative and push the button that they know will release these feelings in you, but you have the power to dismantle those buttons. When you truly no longer care what another person thinks, then they can say “get over it” all day without it bothering you.
I have a survivor friend who would tell your MIL, “Say that again, and I will f@#$ing kill you!!” Trust me, that would never be said to her again! I would probably give her the book “Allies in Healing” and tell her not to raise the topic again until after she has read the book. Someone else might simply leave anytime the woman says this. At some point, she would get the message.
There is no “right” or “wrong” way to handle her comments. You need to find what works for you. When she says this, it triggers something inside of you. Dismantle that trigger, and she will either stop or you will stop caring when she says it.
- Faith
Hi, Faith, thankfully, she does not say it to me. So I get to let my husband deal with it. I don’t think she says it much any more, but it does come up once in a while…like when dealing with why I am not working outside the home. Thing is…there are other reasons why I don’t work outside the home, too.
I still hate that she thinks that way…but I think that is partly because I know that her understanding (or should I say…lack of) reflects how so many people in the world are.
She does not change how I feel about myself. I know who I am in Yahweh and no one can ever change that! It is just frustrating at times when you love someone and don’t want to be rude simply because they are stuck in their own stuff. I know she means well and is simply puzzled.
Learning how to draw healthy boundaries can get really interesting. You are right about finding what will work with that person.
In her case, she just really doesn’t get it. And I can understand that. It is out of her realm of experience. I know how difficult it has been for me to accept things about my own reality…and I am the one living it! How much harder it is for others who have no where near the same experiences in life and the same aftermath.
It is probably a good thing that we live far apart. I hate to say that because she really is a wonderful woman. But she is addicted to worrying about others…another thing hubby and I have both had to put big boundaries up against. But until we learned to do that, oy ve!
I think my greatest struggle is in the here and now moments of interaction. Jan described very well what I go through. I just hate appearing to be stupid and confused…ditzy. I guess that is not really a matter of judgment by others, but how I see myself as coming across. If I saw someone like me, I would probably think they were a bit ditzy…not that I would dislike them for it. But I don’t think I would hire them, either.
I’m afraid I’ve gotten a bit off topic since you were talking about being stigmatized for having gone through child abuse. I do pipe up when I can…when it seems appropriate and that the listeners are open to it. I share that I was abused and I might even mention the type without going into details. I want people to “get it”. I want them to see that it is real and that we all need to be vigilant and pay attention.
I was just reading this post and am thankful that you are writing about it. There was such a terrible backlash regarding ritual abuse in the 1990′s that I wonder where the movement went? Stigma. I decided to refuse to take it on.
am looking forward to reading more,
best regards,
Debbie
Hi, Debbie.
I agree that ritual abuse has a larger stigma. The other biggie for me is mother-daughter sexual abuse, but that is met more with disbelief than stigma.
I am very open about having been abused as a child in just about any setting. I am even pretty open about the mother-daughter sexual abuse (mdsa). However, I only tell a handful of people offline about the ritual abuse, in large part because I don’t think most of them can handle it. Offline, if someone is supportive and willing to hear my story and believe it, I will share it. However, I am not going to put a lot of energy into trying to convince people about the ritual abuse.
I actually did touch upon ritual abuse in a Bible study once. That had some interesting reactions. One woman couldn’t understand how I could have had so many abusers. I said the numbers build when they do it in a group. I could tell she didn’t really believe me, but many others did. I have found that referring to the cult abuse as an organized child pornography and prostitution ring is better received. In my case, I do believe that is what it was and that the black hoods, etc., was all smoke and mirrors.
- Faith
One of my therapists said that it is probably easier for people to accept/understand the idea of “a child sex abuse/pornography ring that had spiritual overtones” than to say it was “ritual abuse”. One is a familiar idea while the other is so foreign.
I’ve been thinking about this all day, who stigmatises me because of sexual abuse. There is all the family the of origin and family friends, but then they will have nothing to do with me so I don’t feel that on a daily basis. There are the friends whose expectations are that I should be getting better quicker with less “fuss”.
But shamefully I think it’s me that stigmatises sexual abuse most in my life. I wear all the shame that is hurled against me both internally and externally. I berate myself for everything. I feel guilty for my memories. I take the blame myself for being triggered, like the picture for this blog entry caused great distress. But it’s my fault those things upset me, that I write on myself too.
I’ve not told a whole lot of people about what happened to me, certainly not that I have complex PTSD and DID. I wear the title of being “sick”. My father has threatened me if I tell people.
I need to think about the impact of stimatising myself.
Hi, KK.
That is one of my favorite photos by Hekatekris. I think it is so powerful. I suspect the photograph triggers you because this is very representative of what you do to yourself. I have been there. You can remove the writing, just as Hekate did after taking the picture, and see the beautiful person underneath.
- Faith
[...] Comments « Stigma of Child Abuse [...]
I just got back from a meeting with a group of friends. Over the past year of my healing this group has been an anchor that kept me connected with my higher power at times that I could/would not connect on my own. I really appreciate everyone in this group, consider them my friends. They are close enough that I could share my full diagnosis of DID and PTSD and the incest and other abuse that led to it. Still, even as such good friends they are limited in their understanding. I am learning that probably only those who have ‘been there’ themselves can really understand and appreciate the struggles we go through and the time it takes to heal – even just a bit.
This is what I really love about this blog and all the people who respond – I feel understood without so many words, validated without a lot of explanation, accepted even if there is just little progress…
Thank you, Faith! Thank you, everyone else! I am so glad to ‘know’ you!
Hi, N7.
This is why I started this blog. I hoped that at least one person would find hope and healing through my words. I never dreamed that I would have my own online support system from regular readers. All of you have helped me through so many tough times. I feel blessed to know all of you.
- Faith
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