On my blog entry entitled Inspirational Song: Kutless’ “That’s What Faith Can Do”, a reader posted the following comment:
You mentioned that you allowed yourself to feel the depths of your pain. I am just wondering, how did you let yourself do it? ~ Lanna
This took a lot of courage, and it did not happen overnight. For me, it was always okay to feel sadness and cry in private, so I started with what was comfortable. Because I allowed myself this outlet, I would often express other emotions, such as rage, through tears, which did not fully process those emotions.
I used the Survivor to Thriver Manual to guide me through the healing process, and that manual did a great job in walking me through how to process my emotions. I highly recommend this resource to all child abuse survivors regardless of the type of abuse you suffered. The manual is written in a way that encompasses all forms of child abuse, including emotional abuse, and it is written in a way that is not triggering.
A big part of my struggles was dissociating whenever I experienced a strong emotion. I had to accept each emotion as “mine” rather than “hers” (as in my inner child’s or alter part’s emotion). Until I embraced the emotion as “mine,” it was very hard to process the emotion.
I also needed to connect the emotion back to the source. I used to cry at commercials but had the inability to feel anything (couldn’t even cry) when I thought about some of the more traumatic abuses that I had suffered. Sometimes I would watch a movie to access the sadness, and then I would direct the sadness to the source (the abuse). Once I connected the emotion to the trauma and expressed it, I felt an amazing amount of relief.
Another tip is opening up your mind to the possibility of feeling certain emotions. For example, I truly believed that I held no anger toward my abusers. I was wrong. My therapist assured me that nobody could endure what I had without feeling any anger. I chose to invite the anger out. I punched a pillow and felt like an idiot with the first three punches. The anger exploded out with the 4th punch, and I throttled that pillow while screaming obscenities for about 20 minutes. I was physically and emotionally exhausted afterward, but I also felt really good.
There was another time where I became so triggered that I found the courage to access the most deep and raw places inside. I felt emotional pain so deep and raw that I questioned whether it was survivable. I released wails and sobs that ran so deep that words like “wail” or “sob” do not begin to describe it. Again, this was excruciatingly painful, but the relief I felt on the other side was amazing.
Going to that deep and raw place inside is a choice, and it takes a lot of courage. The Survivor to Thriver Manual assured me that accessing my deepest wounds would bring me the greatest healing, so I took a chance and dove in. I am glad I did.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
I am working really hard in psychotherapy at the moment. Last week & a few months ago, I hit the same thing! I talk about everything but my dad & then I have a session where I feel I need to talk about him but can’t!
My therapist said that some people don’t tell this bit & others do. I know I need to talk but I really struggle especially when I can’t talk about it. She asked why I can’t let it go & I have been wracking my brains! Why can’t I let it go?
I thought I was doing really well in the sessions & I guess what I realise from reading this post is that I am not accessing my feelings. I don’t have to talk about him to do that do I?
Just thinking about him swamps me with fear, my therapist is brilliant & said it’s just adrenaline … I read everything I could about adrenaline & it made sense. My new mantra… It’s just adrenaline. I hope it gets me through my next session! I hope that pushing the fear aside will make room for my words .
I think I left a comment?
Hi, Singing Bird.
Sorry about that. You first post goes in a moderation queue. This helps me screen inappropriate comments. As you can imagine, some people try to post inappropriate things due to the content of this blog, and others just want to spam the blog to death.
- Faith
Amazing. Earlier this evening I drafted the following email to you but hadn’t sent it:
“Thank you, Faith, for sharing your life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read your posts and said “Oh, my God. That’s me.” It’s eerie how often I’m going through the EXACT THING I am reading about at that very moment or at the very least THAT DAY. You’re words have proven to be a powerful force in my life over the past few months, giving my husband and I invaluable insight, information, and most of all, tangible hope.
Please visit our first blog, (asaandabbystone5.wordpress.com) born out of the inspiration YOU’VE given us. God bless you, Faith…you’ve certainly blessed us.”
Now, I sit in shock after reading your latest post. It’s as if you were privy to a conversation between my husband and I in the middle of a significant meltdown outside of WalMart a few hours ago which ended with him shopping alone while I sat in wait for him.
Faith, I’ve spent my entire life not feeling. I don’t remember how I accomplished this as a child, but alcohol, drugs, and food have been my “medication” for many years. I’ve been a very “functioning” person during the day, with the ability to “be in control”. But as evening approached, my body would become tense, my thoughts racing, my jaws clenched so tight that my head hurt. I felt UNCONTROLLABLE RAGE and didn’t know how to stop it. My only relief came from drinking, bingeing then purging, or some kind of “calming” medication.
About 6 months ago, with the help of my therapist and my wonderful husband, I began the process of trying to heal. It’s been more painful than I can find words to express. At times, I’ve been buried under emotions so strong that it’s hard to breathe. The holidays were awful. I don’t remember much of it. But that’s not something new for me. What IS different is that this time I had someone love me through it until I got to the other side. It wasn’t without disappoints, and there were costs. But I’m still here.
But tonight, I confessed to Asa that I had been bingeing/purging again to cope at night. And it was LATE and I hadn’t been able to get my “relief” yet. I wanted to scream, kick, fight, just BE LEFT ALONE. So that’s what he did. And guess what? I was better when he returned. I got through it. WE got through it. But it’s exhausting, and I’m afraid that I’ll never be “normal”.
Hi, Abby.
“Normal” is overrated. :0)
This phase of healing is very painful, but when you access those most wounded places of your soul, you are rubbing salve all over your deepest wounds. I fear I won’t survive the pain while I am in it, but I generally experience intense healing rapidly after having the courage to go to the very darkest places inside.
Have your read the “Survivor the Thriver” manual?
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/survivor-to-thriver-manual/588019
One of the steps is accessing your deepest pain. Some people only find the courage to do it once, but I have had to go there multiple times. The “Survivor to Thriver” manual gave me the courage to do it and convinced me that the rewards were worth the temporary cost.
- Faith
asaanddaddystone5,
I completely self medicate with binge eating. After reading many of Faith’s posts, I realized I was not just eating emotionally, but stuffing down my feelings and emotions. I can totally relate. What’s scary, is that I can feel “it” building….the need to release more. My body is ready, but my mind gets scared and is in the way. In fact, my anxiety level is going up right now just thinking about it. I think it may be because I started a food service to help me with portion controls and now I don’t binge unless I actually go to the store and buy something else to eat. So now, there is less and less food restricting the feelings that need to come out. I can feel them (feelings) coming to the surface…..scares the sh*t out of me. But know I will feel better once I allow them to exit my body.
Hope that makes sense.
Thanks for this post.
This one is hard, as we didn’t even allow ourselves to feel the pain when it was happening.
I haven’t read that particular manual and I know you’ve mentioned it numerous times. It’s one of those books that until I am living elsewhere I can’t allow myself to own.
As far as going to the deep place being a choice, it is definitely and sometimes it’s not a conscious choice. I didn’t know that’s where I was going after a rather innocuous incident where I received a compliment that was exactly the same as one I had received when I was 7 years old.
A compliment triggered me and all the deep and raw emotions of my young life flooded back. They’ve taken me 3 years to work through – both alone and in therapy.
And it’s funny because I absolutely didn’t make the conscious decision to go there, although in hindsight I see that what I did make a conscious decision for required that I go there.
That’s about the same time I found Faith. I don’t think I’ve commented in quite some time though.
@Singing Bird and @asaandabbystone5 I am with you both, that Faith has helped me know that while it feels endless, hope still exists.
Keening. That is what I do sometimes when I feel my pain. It seems the only word that even comes close to describing the noise. It’s primal and soulful. Very healing on the other side, but oh the horror to get there. It is possible tho.
Thank you Faith this is another one of those posts that truly reaches the core of the healing process.
I am smack dab in the middle of trying to allow myself to feel the emotions that the other parts of me have kept away from my consciousness.
Now that I’m aware of those feelings I spend a great deal of energy trying to AVOID them…..I will try and focus my energy on developing courage to face them. You say it is worth it, but on this side of it, it sure doesn’t feel like it. I guess that’s what faith is huh?
We do not worry about any specific emotion rather expressing. Each of us has a different way to express and different things to express. There can be different ones of us that express different things about the same thing.
Sometimes it just happens, which used to be called being blindsided. That went on for 5 years and may happen again although we seem to be able to keep up now.
We have found that we need a large “chunk” of time where there is lots to do and nothing that needs doing. For us that is now more limited to the day before therapy, the day of therapy and the day after therapy. It sometimes takes more than the day after therapy.
That time is not all spend processing. It is just what we call protecting the work of therapy. Some weeks the day before therapy is busy with things not related to therapy as it the day after.
The day of therapy is absolutely protected. We have food that is easily eaten and we sleep as much as we want.
I am lucky to the point of being blessed that I go to therapy the same time each week on the same day. That is huge for us as we all know when that is.
The expressing was hard to take, hard to get to, hard to do and took a lot of energy. It is not as hard to take anymore. Less to do and we got better at it.
[...] know how I always bang on about not being able to feel things… it’s not only about the rape(s) or traumatic events from my childhood… [...]
Maybe I am avoidant? I worry I am wasting my sessions!
Hi, Faith
Thank you for helpful things you are writing!
I am not only unable to express emotions, but I can’t even find the words to express what happened to me. I constant struggle with flashbacks, relive horrible memories but unable to share them or give my memories a voice. Because of that inability I so often feel like I am a lair, that things i see in my mind have never happened. All I do in therapy is sit there unable to talk, and since I am a horrible artist I cannot even draw pictures of what I see in my mind. I feel so alone in this and completely hopelessly stuck. Am I alone? I know my abusers trained me not to talk, etc. I don’t know how to get unstuck. Have you experienced this or do you know of others who went through this and have been able to come out the other side. If I don’t talk I can’t heal. If I don’t heal my rage and anger will eat me alive and I will lose my loved ones I don’t ever want to affect those I love with my anger. I wish I can talk about my abuse so I can heal.
Hi Matreshka,
can you express yourself in writting?
i find it easier to write about what happened to me in English since it’s not my first language. it was helpful for me to journal, while i couldn’t talk and couldn’t trust anyone enough to listen to such stuff. the first time i decided to talk i was really scared and couldn’t seem to do it but i was desparate to say something. and i said the words i knew existed for things like abuse but i felt just like you said “a liar” and my words sounded like someone esle said them and i had nothing to do with it. the other person did not think i was a liar and asked questions like “did this and that also happen?” that i could simply answer yes/no. it was very helpful, because when he asked he used the words i would not manage to say myself. still i can’t express feelings, except when my friend prays for me i can cry without explaining why.
i dunno if that was any helpful to you, but know you are not alone. and yes, you can heal.
Matreshka,
Some of us can draw and some of us can not. Sometimes those that can not draw will use a crayon and then out therapist is told what it is. Two black lines can be said to be a road that sort of thing.
We like to bring in our own paper and crayons. We often give our therapist what has been drawn to keep.
Just an idea.
Hi, tentmaker
English is not my first language either, and I was able to write for quite some time not too long ago. And then I made a “mistake” of devoting a special place for myself and insiders to write. Since then we barely can write and it seems that taking that special place away- reversing “mistake” so to speak- does not work. And thinking back to when we used to write, i think it mostly happened when we were really really upset and were not sencoring or really thinking about what we were writing.
We started playing this game with M&Ms in therapy recently where we assigned colors of M&Ms to feelings and therapist would give us one m&m each time we expressed the feeling. It was surprising to us that someone else could tell and tell accurately how we are feeling. That game helps us get in touch with or acknowledge the feelings we have.
Maybe this game idea would help someone else here. I just thought of it when I was writing my reply to you, tentmaker!
Hey Matreshka,
I used to go to a therapist who also worked with children. She had all kinds of toys. Every kind imaginable! It may sound weird, but if you can’t express any other way, perhaps you can use dolls to show what you are trying to get out….?
I wish you good luck.
Peace,
mia
Matreshka & Singingbird77,
Maybe you could print out some of the topics Faith has written about on this blog that you related strongly with and take them to your therapist to help start the dialogue (highlight or underline the parts you want to discuss that happened to you). Maybe that will give your therapist a starting point and he/she can ask even yes or no questions related to that topic until you are ready to discuss in depth.
Thank you AllyValentino,
I will ask my therapist if she would be willing to try it!
Mia and MFF, thank you for your ideas, too! I will give all of the suggestions a try, and see if anything works for me
Appreciate all of your input!
Faith,
This is something that I have e-mailed you about before. I do understand WHAT you saying, I’m just not sure how you actually GET to the point of
‘wanting’ to feel the pain that devastated me and my childhood, in the first place. I have always told my therapist that I have never felt angry at them–only at myself! I am the only person that I have ever taken my anger out on! My therapist told me that it isn’t necessary to SAY everything that happened, in order to heal–but, for me, it feels like it is, because otherwise it will always be my dirty little secret! The problem is that I can’t seem to go there!!! I can’t bring it up–no matter what I do, it just doesn’t come out of my mouth! Even if I make a list with things that I need/want to talk about, I somehow manage to find other things to fill the time. How do you go from fighting with everything that you have to keep it all locked away–which is necessary as a kid–to now, convincing yourself that it is no longer helping you?!? It still feels like I have to keep it hidden in order to survive!
I love your example of connecting the emotion back to the source. That is a good tool.
I am so glad you are approaching this topic, Faith. I read your entire story, and appreciate all you shared. It is so helpful to know of others who have shared similar experiences. The only thing I wished I could have heard more about was the actual therapy/healing process. I am in yet another layer of remembering and I have flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, panic… I am making progress but progress is often ugly before the beauty of healing. It is helping to hear how others acted/behaved/struggled/thought, while healing. Thank you so much for your blog. It is a blessing to have contact with other survivors.
Hi Faith,
I need to come here and read more! This article spoke to me, and I’ll read it several times.
After seeing that you recommended The Morris Center’s Survivor to Thriver Manual, I looked around the Web for it. I learned that ASCA makes it available free in two formats–online and PDF versions. Both are found at http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php.
I have bought sooooo many books, trying to help myself recover, at great cumulative cost. I thought it would be helpful for your readers to know they have options to paying $19.99 for a hard copy or $13.XX to download it.
Thank, Catie!
When I downloaded my copy in 2003, it was completely free! The site asked for a voluntary donation, but you didn’t have to make one. I came back and made a generous donation later after I realized what an amazing resource that manual is.
- Faith
It is still free to print the Survivor to Thriver manual at their website. If you open the web version, you can print every page without cost
http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php.
I think I have just processed what my therapist ment! Last week, I really thought she was blaming me for holding on. Almost as if I was enjoying being stuck! I became defensive – I am a stupid woman. Then I realised earlier she said it’s familiar, my friend text me earlier saying she prefered the bad men. It hit home… My husband is a nice man & I find it hard to accept him. Yet I find myself stuck with the bad stuff… The familiar, u guess she was talking about the unfamiliar trying the good? Perhaps I am waffling?
Hi, Singing Bird.
I wasn’t there to hear exactly what your therapist said, but my guess is that it was something along of the lines of you being able to **choose** to heal, which is something hard for some child abuse survivors to hear in the earlier stages of healing. From the perspective of someone who has healed quite a bit, being empowered to **choose** is very encouraging advice. To the survivor who is still mired in the familiar and does not see the choice, those words can sound judgmental, like, “You aren’t trying hard enough,” or “It’s your own fault that you are not healing faster.”
Sadly, this type of discussion has taken place on this blog more than once, with my “you are empowered to choose the direction of your life!” being received by some as, “It’s your own fault that you are not healing like I have.” I have worked hard to be careful about how I word empowering messages so I can encourage without my words being received as condemnation by some.
Ultimately, if you keep doing the same thing, you are going to keep getting the same result. We kept doing the same thing as abused children because it worked — Telling ourselves that the abuse was our fault, etc., helped us to have hope that we had power over the abuse. (If I am causing it, then I can change my behavior to make it stop.) We are so accustomed to buying into these lies that they keep us mired in the pain as adults. At some point, you have to choose to challenge all that you have always believed and take the risk of changing direction — questioning whether those beliefs are true … risking being vulnerable … risking learning how to trust … talking about the abuse when everything inside of you screams that you need to stay silent.
Ultimately, the power of whether to heal or not is within your own hands. I say that to empower your future, not to condemn your (or anyone else’s) past. That statement will be received differently by different readers based upon where they are along their healing journey, and I suspect that is what happened with your therapist.
- Faith
You confirmed my thoughts! I guess explaining how I felt in my next session would be helpful & acknowledging that I have that choice. I suspect I became defensive to push her away. I guess I am learning slowly! Thank you
[...] 23, 2011 by faithallen My blog entry entitled How Do You Let Yourself Feel the Depths of Your Pain? seems to have struck a chord with several readers, so I am going to talk more about that topic for [...]
Faith, thank you very much for posting. I appreciate it.
[...] my blog entry entitled How Do You Let Yourself Feel the Depths of Your Pain?, a reader posted the following comment: I do understand WHAT you saying, I’m just not sure how [...]
[...] my blog entry entitled How Do You Let Yourself Feel the Depths of Your Pain?, a reader posted the following comment: I am not only unable to express emotions, but I can’t [...]