On my blog entry entitled How Do You Let Yourself Feel the Depths of Your Pain?, a reader posted the following comment:
I do understand WHAT you saying, I’m just not sure how you actually GET to the point of ‘wanting’ to feel the pain that devastated me and my childhood, in the first place. I have always told my therapist that I have never felt angry at them–only at myself! I am the only person that I have ever taken my anger out on! My therapist told me that it isn’t necessary to SAY everything that happened, in order to heal–but, for me, it feels like it is, because otherwise it will always be my dirty little secret! The problem is that I can’t seem to go there!!! I can’t bring it up–no matter what I do, it just doesn’t come out of my mouth! Even if I make a list with things that I need/want to talk about, I somehow manage to find other things to fill the time. How do you go from fighting with everything that you have to keep it all locked away–which is necessary as a kid–to now, convincing yourself that it is no longer helping you?!? It still feels like I have to keep it hidden in order to survive! ~Theresa
Before reading my response, be sure to read my blog entry from Wednesday. I will build upon what I said in that blog entry today.
The first step was believing that I needed to feel the pain in order to heal. I spent most of my life feeling numb, which basic means that I did not feel anything. Unfortunately, you cannot simply turn off the switch to the bad feelings. When you numb yourself, you numb the good stuff, too. It is like you spend your life watching it through the wrong side of binoculars. You feel no passion, no joy … no anything. You are simply existing until you die.
The Survivor to Thriver manual gave me the hope that my life could be different. The manual walked me through how to heal, and there were steps along the way that I did not want to do, such as Step 3, which is making a commitment to recovery from the child abuse. That step talks about finding a therapist, which I did not want to do. I found that I needed a therapist, and that relationship being such a positive influence helped me believe in the importance of the next step and the next.
Step 3 of the Survivor to Thriver manual includes the following advice:
Disclosing your abuse to someone else can be extremely powerful because it shatters the silence and secrecy of the past, and may well shatter your expectation of a negative response. ~ Survivor to Thriver manual
If I was going to commit to healing, then I was going to have to move out of my comfort zone. I was going to have to risk talking about what happened and trust that I was going to be okay after I did it. It wasn’t easy – it was actually one of the most difficult things that I have ever done in my life. Being brave doesn’t mean that you are not scared – it means that you are scared to death but do it, anyhow. I was brave to take the risk of talking about what happened, and it helped me to have the Survivor to Thriver manual holding my hand through the process.
For me, talking about what happened is what got the ball rolling. Like you, I never felt any anger toward any of my abusers – only toward myself. However, when I told other people about what happened, they would get angry at my abusers and be compassionate toward me (two things that I did not know how to do myself). Just like a child learns how to react in different situations by watching the behavior modeled by his parents, I learned how to be angry toward my abusers and compassionate toward myself by watching the reactions of the people in my life as they learned about my abuse.
To heal, you have to find the courage to ignore that inner voice trying to silence you. For me, this meant talking about what happened. For another survivor, it might mean painting, drawing, or sculpting your truths. I had to give my inner child a voice to heal. Once I found the courage to do this, the rest fell into place.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
I agree. One of the most healing aspects of my journey has been being able to give a voice to my child self and have someone listen and not look at me like I was the weirdest thing that ever walked the earth. My problem is, I have blocked memories. I cannot remember no matter what I do or how hard I try. When I was really working on it, I just started having memories come up and I became so fearful, especially that it was all a figment of my imagination, that I mentally shut down to all of it- as a matter of fact, I would almost think I was completely healed, so detached I am from it all, if it were not for the fact that I still other issues that are not resolved. But the “remembering” part- fear shut me completely down. I try to do memory exercises and my mind just wanders away from it.
I just wanted to say that I am in the exact same situation as you. I truly could have written that.
This is a great post and for many of us, the very reason we started blogging about those things we had been keeping secret because we took on shame that did not belong to us. Just getting it out there absolutely helps.
“Disclosing your abuse to someone else can be extremely powerful because it shatters the silence and secrecy of the past, and may well shatter your expectation of a negative response.”
This was not what happened to me. Disclosing just a portion of the abuse has powerfully reinforced my expectation of a negative response. This happened even though I tried very hard to find a good therapist and then let myself trust him. Still, the whole thing blew up in my face. I stay up all night , every night to drink, work and become engrossed in television because everyone is terrified of remembering even though the protector went out and found us a better therapist.
Sometimes I think what happened to me in therapy was worse than the abuse. And the persistent message in here is:
Beware of The-rapist.
There is sometimes a measure of comfort online, but it’s just not the same thing as real life for me.
Hi, EH.
I am so sorry that you had that experience.
I only quoted a portion of the manual. It includes a lot more advice about being careful about who to trust because of exactly what happened to you. You are correct that being received negatively can make it exponentially worse.
I have heard that the child abuse itself causes only half of the emotional damage. The other half of the emotional damage is caused by the reactions of the people around you. This is why two children can suffer the same abuse, one experiences it as a bump in the road, and the other is devastated. Having a parent (or other loved one) believe you, protect you, advocate for you, and get you professional help can do wonders to help a child heal. However, the parent (or other loved one) who denies the abuse happened only deepens the wound.
I think the same is true in adulthood as we try to heal. The support I received when I “told in person” did wonders toward helping me heal. If I had been received negatively as you were, that would have deepened the wounds.
I hope you will find the courage to risk trusting again when you are ready. As you already know, you will want to be very careful about who you choose. I know that talking about it online (writing and reading words on a screen) is not the same thing, but I hope it helps to know that we are real flesh & blood people who would never reject you. Good and trustworthy people do exist — the trick is finding them in your offline life.
- Faith
EH,
I am sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately it is not rare. A therapeutic relationship can be a very unique and helpful relationship it is not always so.
There is a certain amount of luck involved in finding a therapist that is competent to deal with trauma and then there has to be a good match for it to be successful.
I to feel that some of my treatment was worse than the trauma.
I can only tell you I am now glad I kept trying and it was devastating to have to do so.
I use the phrase processing memories rather than feeling the pain. For me this includes creating the situation to express the experience and heal from it, this make it part of my healing and less separate. This allows me to see how hard I did try and lets my pleasant memories be part of it all.
The thing with pleasant experiences is it was always followed with what did I do wrong. That is lessening.
I have never processed a memories and wish I had not not ever not been in anguish that I had to. It is never easy, it is easier with experience. I understand how I need to deal with trauma by dealing with trauma.
Crashes are caused not by processing memories rather not processing them. Same with flashbacks and such. Over time triggers and flashbacks have become my frenenemies as have nightmares. The night terrors are gone and that is from processing the memories.
I do not blame myself for the crashes although the world does. This is hard and we did not know how to do it.
I have blocked memories. I only know where they are.
We decided that we wanted all of our memories and we will. To do this we needed to go over many events in extreme detail. It is how we learned to have all of our memories.
Looking back the extreme detail was a way to stay with that event and not go to many of them at once. Had we not gone over them in the detail we did we would not be able to look back.
I am trying so hard to respond, and I can’t get my thoughts in order. My mind is racing, and I can’t seem to put sentences together at the moment. So this may end up being all over the place!
***
“Just like a child learns how to react in different situations by watching the behavior modeled by his parents, I learned how to be angry toward my abusers and compassionate toward myself by watching the reactions of the people in my life as they learned about my abuse.”
I guess if you look at things this way, I AM doing exactly as I was taught. I saw how they reacted to me, and now I react to myself the same way–with anger and hate. That is the only way that I know to see myself. I knew that I could NEVER show anger at them. (Even now, I don’t ever say the word
‘anger,’ because they always told how angry I made them.)
Ironically, when I hear a story about a child being hurt, etc., I do get very upset! I just don’t feel the same way when I look at what happened with me. I feel like it was my fault, like I asked for it, like I didn’t do anything to stop it–even as I got older, and it all continued. I feel like I somehow brought out the evil in them! On the other hand (and this might sound REALLY BAD), there is a part of me that ‘envies’ the ones that didn’t survive–IF ONLY THEY HAD KILLED ME IN THE PROCESS!
What happens if you don’t have any ‘good’ memories? I don’t remember anything except bad from my childhood!!!
Hi, Theresa.
I think you are having a big breakthrough. I am so proud of you!!!!
Yes! Yes! Yes! This is exactly why you treat yourself that way. I did it, too, and I am sure many other fellow child abuse survivors will tell you the same story. We internalized how our abusers treated us. Now that you know that your internal messages are learned behavior, you can hold onto the hope that your “learned” behavior can become “unlearned.”
For me, the following strategies worked:
* Find a picture of yourself as a child and try to project onto the child in the picture how you would feel about any other child experiencing the same abuse. This took me months of work, so don’t expect it to happen overnight.
* Observe how your therapist or a trusted friend reacts to hearing about how you were treated. Start questioning that voice in your head that is so opposite of their reactions.
* Choose to tell that voice to shut up. You might not be ready to start telling yourself good things, but you can make the choice to stop feeding the bad thoughts. Choose to redirect your thoughts when they start beating you up.
* Start telling yourself positive things: “I love you. It was not your fault. You are safe now. You are OK.” It’s okay if you don’t believe any of it. These words have power (in a positive way) even when you don’t believe them.
Theresa — I really think this epiphany is a huge breakthrough for you. There is a small crack in your self-hatred now. Start making that crack bigger!
- Faith
Dear Theresa,
I just wanted to let you know I had the exact same feelings as you have.
And I agree with Faith:
* Find a picture of yourself as a child and try to project onto the child in the picture how you would feel about any other child experiencing the same abuse. This took me months of work, so don’t expect it to happen overnight.
I’ve done this for the past year….I have two photos of me as a child I keep on me at all times. I talk to her everyday. Over time, she has come to trust me. That I am on her side. I will not harm her. In fact, I will protect her. Now I mother and nurture her as best I can. It has really worked for me.
Now she and I create “good” memories together since she is with me every day….
Good luck to you in your journey.
Finally allowing myself to remember and speak aloud to my therapist was definetly the biggest step in my healing process. I fought an internal war until I finally surrendered to myself. Honestly, I had no choice. My inner child and body had to purge the memories, feelings, hurts, and shame. I believe your body will continue to push you until you honor yourself. But please, please know….it does get better. The pain does lessen over time. I genuinely want you to know the pain that you believe you cannot survive this moment, does lessen and you then begin to finally LIVE!!
Very well said! It was the same for me. What helps me also is that once I dared to try it, it was sad in the moment, and difficult for a day or so, but after that I was fine. Also releasing the feelings felt hard and yet good at the same time. That’s hard to explain, but it helps me face the tough stuff having already done it and kniwing that this will be tough, but once I get through it, I will feel SO much better. However, I still avoid a lot. It’s like my brain has figured this out, but my heart takes longer to catch on. Also, old habits die hard, and my natural tendencie to push away the feelings is still very ingrained in me. I am working on it though, and it is improving. I find I have to make a very conscious effort in this area to get through it, but when I can, I always feel better shortly therafter and it’s all worth it.
Lothlorien
Hi all, well I really identify with some of Theresa’s comment but my problem now is slightly different. Whilst I completely agree about the feeling that I need to say everything – including the horrible things I’ve done to myself as a response to my abuse – because I feel if I don’t that bit of rottenness will remain and continue to pollute me from the inside. I have gradually managed to speak it out to my therapist, but often without emotion. I shut down this part of me so successfully as a child I really struggle now to reconnect. My therapist and I agree that I have a need to morn for what has been taken from me and for the impact that’s had on my life now, but HOW do you do this when you have no emotional connection??? I feel like my entire life is on hold with no hope of moving forward, in fact I’ve spent much of today reading about ending my life because I’m just loosing belief that there is any point to continuing. Has anyone else had this & managed to reconnect – if so any tips or suggestions before I completely loose the plot? Thanks
Hi, Jen.
Yes, you can learn to access your emotions, but you have to be willing to invite them out. Which emotion would you like to start with? I used punching pillows to invite out the anger and watching a sad movie to invite out the sadness.
- Faith
Think I’m scared of the lack of control. People say punching pillows but my anger feels so deep I want to really wreck something important, a pillow is way to tame. This then scares me so I continue to do nothing! My last anger outburst saw me breaking the hard drive on my laptop last year 4 weeks before a deadline… Films – is that ok? As in the sadness felt relates to the film only… is the idea that the more you do this the more you get used to feeling?? Think i’ve become such a hard person on the inside that everyone thinks I’m sorted – so noone offers support because they think I don’t need it and I can’t ask them because I can’t work out who would support if they knew. I have pushed everyone away so have just my therapist and 1 friend who lives miles away… its so very lonely.
Hi, Jen.
My therapist told me that I was a “victim of my own success.” He said that I worked so hard to convince the people in my life that I was “Superwoman” that they bought into it. Part of healing involved learning to allow myself to be vulnerable to a few trusted people.
If pillows are too tame, go bigger. One method that worked for me involved Popsicle sticks. I get triggered by Popsicle sticks touching my teeth due to the abuse. I bought an entire bag of wooden sticks from a craft store. I broke each one in half and threw the pieces at the wall, screaming obscenities at my abusers. I picked them up, broke them into smaller pieces, and threw them again. The physical act of breaking something and hearing the “snap” was very healing for me.
I know a woman who needed to go even deeper. She needed to break through glass as a metaphor for breaking through the walls around her heart. She did this in conjunction with her therapist. She wrapped her hands in safety gloves so she wouldn’t be hurt and, under her T’s supervision, broke the glass by punching it.
You can find something that works for you. If what you want to do it potentially dangerous, I would invite your T to supervise you.
As for the tears — Yes, I would watch a movie that would make me cry for the plot. While crying, I would think about something that happened to me as a child that made me sad but that I couldn’t cry about. The closer I can get in a movie to what I experienced, the better. For example, to grieve my abusers killing my dog, “Old Yeller” would be a good choice. If I can grieve for Old Yeller, then I can transfer that pain (what I must have felt) to the death of my own dog.
Does any of this help?
- Faith
Hi – yes that really helps thank you, gives me some ideas to work on.
thanks
jen
Faith,
I have no idea how you got ANYTHING positive out of what I said!?!? I felt totally confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed! It felt to me like I was rambling, and I couldn’t get anything to come out the right way. What is the difference between ‘learned’ behavior, and ‘engrained’ behavior? Is it possible that there is just no hope of changing something that is ALL that you have ever known?!? I have never known anything different. The abuse started as an infant for me, and continued through high school–I knew/know NOTHING else! I have tried to look at pictures of me at all the different ages–I even tried making a CD of all of those pictures, and played the song ‘Holy Water’ (by Big and Rich) in the background. I still felt nothing but HATE AND DISGUST for that kid!!! I HATE her! I hate the things that she caused, and the evil things that she brought out in people! She is horrible–that is all I see when I look at her. I was always told that I was satan’s child, and I still feel that way. I have also done ‘research’ about committing suicide. It feels like the real way to stop the pain.
Faith, I want to think the way that you do, and feel like it is all possible, and can change. But, is it possible that you can just be too damaged to be fixed???
Hi, Theresa.
I think you are at a crossroads on your healing journey. I am not saying that this is a “do or die” moment because you will come to it again as you choose to heal. The exciting thing is that you are here NOW! :0)
Your childhood relationships are not the only relationships that you have had. You have also had relationships in adulthood. I don’t know what they are like offline, but I hope that your interactions online have shown you that not everyone is cruel and that some people care. You and I have had numerous interactions, both through the comments and through email. I have modeled love and support for you. Other readers are doing the same.
You can choose to continue listening to those internalized voices and accept that they are right (they’re not). Or you can choose to begin challenging those voices based upon the kindness and support that have been modeled by me, other readers, hopefully a good therapist, and any other adult relationships that have been positive. The choice is in your hands.
Go back and read the story about feeding the right wolf:
http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2007/10/04/healing-from-childhood-abuse-feed-the-right-wolf/
I see a breakthrough in you because your good wolf is beginning to wake up. He needs food, though, so he needs you to start doing some sort of strategy to feed him.
You can do this!! If I can, and if other readers can, you can, too. I am not saying that it is easy (it’s not), but you CAN break free.
- Faith
Theresa,
When I began my healing journey, I said the same thing- and I meant it with every fiber of my being, even though it cause me such great pain inside. I too believed that I was a wretch and deserved everything that happened. But I just kept fighting back, “knowing” that the reason I felt that way, was because I was taught to feel that way about myself. It took many months. I would think I had really learned to love myself, and then up would spring that intense self hatred again. What that helped me the most was to seperate my child self completey and do alternate hand writing, Me, as an adult, trying to talk writing with my right hand, and to love my child self, and writing with my left hand, letting my child self respond. One day I had a tremendous break through. I had a particular picture that I especially hated, where I was only about five years old. But one day, I looked at this picture for the umpteenth time and suddenly I saw this poor, emotionally abandoned, hurting child and something in my heart just broke. It was weird, but I just saw her differently and I felt so sorry for her. I stared and stared at that picture for such a long time. It was a HUGE break through for me. From that day on, I have gotten better at loving my child self. Like anything that is difficult, you got to just keep at it, keep saying the positives out loud to yourself like faith said. Keep trying. Don’t ever give up. Remember, every day of life is a gift. Don’t throw away your years ahead for what someone did to you in the past. Keep at it. You will get there. It wont be easy, but fight. A favorite quote of mine that I read regularly is: “Mountaintops are scaled one back-breaking step after another. Winners aren’t quitters!”
I’m routing for you Theresa. Hang in there- its worth it!
Hi Theresa
Do you know what I don’t think suicide brings the freedom we think it will… on my research I realised that it’s regularly unsuccessful and then living with that too just heaps further pain onto what is already unbearable!
I don’t believe broken people cannot be fixed, no matter how bad they are, but it does take time – months if you’re lucky but for me it’s years… and I’m still not there yet.
What struck me tho in what you said is that you’re telling your child all this stuff about hating her… but where is her voice? Have you ever done anything to allow her space to speak, defend herself or say how she feels? This is a bit weird I know but I was shocked with the outcome when my counsellor suggested this. There are different ways – writing is one, as HP says above. A method I used was, with my therapist, to have 2 chairs. One for my adult and one for my child. As I moved between I even found my voice changed – I was a bit freaked by this but with my therapists encouragement found I could hold a conversation with my child. There are books on healing your inner child which offer other ideas. I guess its being willing to at least try one and see.
Really hope it helps, try not to decide it won’t before you start and be willing to feel a bit daft initially. Oh and definitely do it with someone else there…
take care
Jen
Hi, Jen.
Thanks for address the “no lost causes” part of Theresa’s question. I forgot to do that. As long as you are still breathing, there is always hope. :0)
- Faith
Hi Theresa,
Jen is exactly right when she wrote: “Do you know what I don’t think suicide brings the freedom we think it will… on my research I realised that it’s regularly unsuccessful and then living with that too just heaps further pain onto what is already unbearable!”
Speaking from personal experience, I tried to committ suicide twice in my early years of healing. I researched it first, then actively tried twice. Both times failed. THANKFULLY! Afterwards, I was embarrased, shamed, and angry about it. The second time, I spent days in the ICU. It was an EXTREMELY horrible time for me. It scared me so much I KNOW I will never harm my body again. If you are a spiritual person, I can tell you what I learned that night and what I KNOW FOR SURE is….my body/spirit/soul is not mine to take. Life was given to us as a gift, it is not ours to end.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary feeling/emotion. Don’t do it Theresa and please stop researching it. Don’t feed the bad wolf.
I am grateful and thankful everyday to be living, even in the pain I still suffer. I’ve been in therapy going on six years….it takes time.
You’re in my thoughts today. I’ll be sending you strength! You can do this.
I just got to the point (after two plus years of therapy) where I’m having some breakthrough emotion, and this coming Tuesday I coerced myself into actually reading something I had written down aloud in therapy. I have refused to do this for years to avoid experiencing pain, and allowing myself to cry. I can write what happened and feel practically nothing, because writing gives me distance, it allows me to say “oh that wasn’t me”, it allows me to deny and push back but as soon as I attempt to speak the emotional floodgates lift. I found your blog and it has helped me immensely to re-gather my courage throughout the week leading up to actually forcing myself to speak, and use the words “I”.
I just recently have hit a minor bump where before I could allow myself to partially experience emotion in my mind while attempting to ward off repetitive flashbacks. I seem to have gone suddenly emotionally numb, somehow despite fighting myself I pushed it farther away and the denial is seeping through. I don’t know if it’s just my mind’s defense to numb itself before an exam I have to take tomorrow morning, allowing me to focus, or if I will just have to wait and see if speaking will bring everything back to the surface. In the meantime I will be practicing and including your amazing tips to try and reinforce and tie back emotion with memory so I can finally begin to let things go. Thank you for having the courage to write this blog, it has been a beacon of light in a dark and dreary process.
[...] my blog entry entitled How Do You Convince Yourself to Feel the Pain after Child Abuse?, a reader posted the following comment: My problem is, I have blocked memories. I cannot remember [...]