I have had discussions with three completely unrelated people about the sibling abuse they suffered as children. I see a lot of similarities in their stories, and I want to share the generalities here. I also want to present a theory that might be healing for some readers who suffered from sibling abuse. Please note that this is a just a theory that I am offering that I hope might be healing for some of you who suffered from sibling abuse. Each situation is going to be different, but if this helps even one person, it was worth writing about.
All of these situations have the same basic dynamic in common – The survivor was the younger child who was abused in some manner by the older sibling. There were only two children in each household. The survivor is unaware of any reason for the older child to abuse her – no known history of the older sibling suffering from any abuse from the parents or anyone else. The survivor told the parents repeatedly about the abuse, but the parents denied that it was happening. No matter how severe the abuse got, the parents refused to “see” that any abuse was taking place.
Let me start with a few observations. First, most parents do not let one sibling abuse the other. While they might allow a certain amount of tussling, it is not “normal” for a parent to allow an older child to torture a younger child. If anything, “normal” parents are more likely to intervene on behalf of the younger child simply because of the age and size difference. Denying that anything is happening (and repeatedly providing so little supervision that the abuse is ongoing) is not “normal.”
Second, I know firsthand that child abusers will use the people you love to silence you. My abusers silenced me by threatening my sister’s life, and they killed my dog in front of me to prove that they were serious. I was “willing” to endure anything without complaint and without “telling” to protect my sister.
Third, the younger sibling was a baby during the older sibling’s early years. Even if the siblings are close in age (such as 18 month apart), the older sibling was likely already walking and talking while the younger sibling is still an infant. So, just because you are unaware of your sibling being abused does not mean that it did not happen.
OK – On to my theory … Consider that the older sibling was abused by an adult who had regular access to the child. The abuser silenced the child by threatening to harm or kill the child’s baby sister or brother if he or she ever told. The parents found out and “rescued” the older sibling from the abuser but decided to sweep it all under the rug and not deal with it – denying it ever happened, not getting the child therapy, etc.
From the perspective of the older sibling, who had no therapy or other way to process the abuse, perhaps the older sibling turns her anger on the baby, thinking, “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have been abused. I was hurt because of you.” Of course, this is not true, but this is the way the child processes the abuse.
So, the child takes out all of her anger toward her abuser on this younger sibling, torturing her so she can suffer in the way that the abused child has suffered. Meanwhile, the parents, who are living in denial about the older child’s abuse, choose to deny the sibling abuse because facing it means that they must face the initial abuse to the older sibling. They basically give the older sibling a “free pass” because she was abused but the younger sibling was not. Sadly, this dynamic results in both children being abused, one by an adult and the other by the sibling.
Does this sound plausible to you? I am hoping that this theory might help make sense of a family dynamic for someone who has been struggling with this.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Reading the title of today’s blog has had me catch my breath – it is only a few hours ago that my therapist asked me a question regarding sibling abuse and an ‘avalanche’ came forth…even now my heart is beating faster and I can feel my anxiety level rising…my case does not support your theory…in my case it was a younger sibling (my brother, two years younger) and his two friends one a year younger and one a year older than me…I don’t think my brother was ever abused (at least not sexually, but from what I can remember probably emotionally)…what made this memory so disturbing for me is the fact that years before that I had been sexually abused by my sperm donor and his two friends (approximately between ages 4-8) and then with my brother it was about ages 13-16. My therapist asked me, which one of the two scenarios was more traumatizing in my perception…couldn’t give an answer then, but have been thinking since…I guess the abuse by sperm donor and friends has destroyed my trust in people in general, but with the abuse by my brother and his friends the aspect of self-hate seems to be much stronger…I just dissociated from the get-go, kind of seems like I didn’t put up any resistance…my therapist tried to assure me that this is not unusual given my prior history…still I am struggling…and now, just a few hours later I read this post…feels kind of weird…
Sorry, this is kind of random, kind of fresh, not really thought through…
Hi, N7#D4.
Your therapist is correct. The memories I have recovered of rapes and other forms of sexual abuse as a teenager have the same reaction from me — dissociating and making no effort to fight back. The assaults triggered the frightened little girl. There was no “older me” in the room as the assaults happened, just the wounded little girl.
- Faith
A lot of this rings true. I was about to say that one difference in my case was that my parents didn’t know, but I’m actually not so sure. My mother left my older sister with her own older sister, our aunt, who had sadistically abused my mother and the other younger siblings in their household growing up. My mother is largely in denial about the abuse they suffered and was probably pressurised into allowing the aunt to babysit. I know the aunt babysat when I was still in the pram, but my Dad didn’t think that the aunt could have had any contact with either of us kids until I was 4 or 5 years old, so there’s clearly something funny going on there, for a start.
I suspect my mother knows about my ex-sister being abused, probably molested, by the aunt, and cannot take it in as she cannot deal with guilt at all, it’s the one emotion she blocks out completely. I haven’t fully taken this in yet, but I know that that is probably the reason my mother closed her eyes, and still does, to my ex-sister speaking to me as if I’m scum. With the ex-sister, it’s probably just all about control and trying to realise some power in her life.
**triggers**
For example, I think the reason she raped me was because I burnt my hand on a stove and screamed in agony (I was 3 years old). My scream violated her peace of mind so in retaliation, to try and regain a sense of control, she violated me.
**end triggers**
Man, that revolting aunt did some serious damage *sigh*. If my ex-sister admitted even a tiny part of the torture she’s inflicted upon me all my life, maybe I could forgive her a little as I don’t think she started this. She has too many problems herself and her life is a mess, and simple abusers rather than abuser/victims seem to escape consequences like that. But she can’t accept that I’m a person not a thing, so I hate her more, because she is the one that fills my nightmares. I never had any contact with the aunt. It’s the lack of repentance, far more than the original abuse, that’s the problem, that’s what I’m trying to say. And it’s angry hate, not bitter hate, it’s not unhealthy or unhelpful to me, I feel I should clarify that. It’s just a kind of reminder that what she did was actually wrong.
I think there are elements of truth to this, but something feels off about it to me. I’m with you on the older one being sexually abused, but I don’t think it was necessarily by an adult. It could easily also be from an older kid or stronger peer, or as part of an initiation or whatever…. the other thing is the motivation for molesting the baby sister/bro.
My thinking is that it is likely more to show dominance in some way, maybe because the older one is jealous of the attention the younger one gets, etc… or as a way to act out or practice what has been done to him on a much weaker victim… perhaps with the hope that it may save him from being raped again, or just as a release mechanism.
I do agree with most of what you said, just not all of the reasons for why it went down.
As always, great post Faith and thanks for your commitment. Peace, mia
Hi, Mia.
Those are all great points. Thank you for sharing them. :0)
I was not abused by my sibling, so this was just a theory based on hearing other people’s stories.
- Faith
This sound plausible in that this dynamic can exist. One of many possibilities.
In my case protecting my family which included older and younger siblings was part of what I had to do. My younger brother was near drowned in front of me and I well know what that felt like.
I do think that sibling rivalry was used to separate me from the others.
Family dynamics are complicated with out abuse going on.
My thoughts are that any type of behavior exhibited by a child (especially younger then a teenager) has been “learned”. If a sibling is abusing another sibling, the abuser sibling is most likely acting out something they have personally seen, done, experienced theirselves. In my opinion, they are mirroring a behavior.
There is a 4 and a half year age gap in between my brother and I. I remember when he was born, all of the attention that had once been available to me (well…..what little I had anyway), was now shifted to him. My mother favored him and it was painfully obvious. I constantly heard excuses such as “he’s a baby” or “he was a miracle” because he was sick when he was born etc. etc. (This was more my Mom’s fault than my Dad) My parents used to “force” me to play with my brother by putting up a kid gate in the hallway just far enough back that I couldn’t sit and watch the TV instead, but still have access to the bedrooms and the bathroom. I hated it. I would ignore my brother as much as I could, if I broke something, I blamed it on him. I once climbed on the bookshelf and jumped down, breaking my foot. I said that he had pushed the drawer of his Captain’s bed shut while my foot was dangling off the bed. (he was 2 at the time). As we got older, my parents had separated, I was being abused by a neighbor, and I had all of this anger and confusion that ultimately was directed at him. A few times, I hit him so hard that he nearly hit his head, or he took a few seconds to get his bearings and get up. The last time i ever hit him, he did hit his head, and it scared me. It was probably then when I became afraid of my own anger, and started to repress it. I apologized to my brother a little while back. He said that he thought it was normal sibling rivalry stuff. A part of me was relieved for that because I didn’t cause any permanent damage to him….but I still live in fear of my own anger.
There is one flaw that I can see with your theory–what if the older sibling (the abuser) is considerably older than the younger one (the abused)? My brother is sixteen years older than I am (I am the youngest), and as far as I can remember, he didn’t do anything until I was around 7 or 8 (making him approximately 23 or 24). He was having problems with his marriage, and he took it out on me. My parents knew–they just didn’t care! I actually asked them about it once, and they admitted that they knew. When I asked them why they didn’t do anything, my mother’s response was: because he’s my son! In 1995, I was also raped by this same brother–again, my parents knew.
Hi, Theresa.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through. Your family sounds much more like a family of ritual abusers to me. Most families, even very dysfunctional ones, are not so blatant about not caring about that level of abuse (a rape) and doubly so when the age difference is that much. I am so sorry for all that you have been through.
- Faith
My brother is 7.5 years older than me. He is the oldest of four. He abused my sister (older than me, 4 years younger than the abuser) as well, but my ‘theory’ is that he stopped abusing her because she was old enough when he began his abuse of her that she had some ‘self’ some ability to protect and fight, whereas I didn’t.
I know that my younger brother was also involved in some harm, but those areas are still very sketchy to me (but I’ve had memories of my older brother directing me to touch my younger brother).
I have no doubt my parents knew – I told teachers, I acted out, mother walked in on it, and eventually the parents started hiring a babysitter to come in even when the older brother was there to watch us; of course, didn’t stop anything but goes to show me they had knowledge.
In my case, I go with the theory that my brother is a sociopath, I’ve got no other explanation. When he joined the military, and basically bought me from the parents, then sold me to those folks producing child pornography and being involved with child prostitution … there’s no explanation that soothes me except to believe that he is a sociopath.
I think that your theory has some validity; but, at least for me, in my healing, I’ve had to try to put aside the “why?” of it; put aside my question(s) of “was he abused, too?” and just try to focus on my healing.
Thanks for another very good posting.
wtr
Hi, wtr.
Your advice is the same as my therapist’s — stay out of your abuser’s head because the “why” really doesn’t change your experience. The abuse happened regardless of why. Thanks for that excellent point!
- Faith
I do think this sounds very plausible, partially because it’s difficult for me to believe that children do things like this naturally (although that’s the stance that my parents seem to take, my dad in particular–he has his own reasons for that, of course).
The trouble with my sister started not long after she entered school. I suspect that she learned her behaviors from someone there, but I’m not comfortable enough opening a line of communication to ask her if that’s true.
I’m not certain that I think I was put up to her as a sort of forfeit. But if abuse had taken place, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that my parents had covered it up and hidden it, even from my sister herself. Secrets are so well-kept in my family that I didn’t realize there /were/ any secrets until recently.
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It sounds plausible. My sister is almost 2 years younger and she’s actually the one who abused me, starting when she was 6 and I was 8. She sexually abused me in the bathtub–for some reason, we had to share baths. I am fairly sure that my dad [who was my primary abuser =/] knew, but I don’t think my mom did. Both parents, however, knew about the extreme physical abuse she put me through. She tried to k*ll me. On more than one occasion. By ch*king me, wrapping a plastic bag around my neck, and sl*mming my head against the wall. She sprained my wrists multiple times, would bruise me, and scratch me so hard it drew blood. Much of this happened directly in front of my parents. It was completely brushed off as “normal sibling rivalry.” My mom would tell me to stand up for myself. Except that if I did…I would then get in trouble because I was older and “should know better.” ARGH!
It is a theory and a possibility. I was abused by my sister who was two years older. She was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive from the time I was four and she was six until I was 15 and frankly I almost killed her. It was continual, and I have had so much depression and been in treatment for years. The abuse started soon after a move from one town where we had relatives nearby to another town where we had no relatives. She claims that I ruined her life because she had to take care of me but that is not true. My parents saw it and blew it off. When I was 11 I confronted my mom about it because I had a hand shaped bruise on my cheek. After that when my mom was home and the abuse started she would intervene and my sister began beating my mom. I have seen that sister physically attack both of my other siblings as well as both my parents and she even hit my grandmother. My mom died of unknown causes at the age of 42 when I was 13 and I almost killed myself because I knew I had no one to protect me anymore. Once after abuse I tried to call a suicide hotline to get help and she picked up the other line before I could dial and taunted me repeatedly to just kill myself. I felt worthless because of the abuse and I do not know if she killed my mother and probably never will. My older sisters are two years apart in age and there has been similar treatment of the older to younger sibling. I know of no sexual abuse to any of my sisters before the abuse began. At one point my oldest sister claimed to have recovered memories of sexual abuse she claimed to have suffered as an infant under one year old. Frankly, she has always hated the person she claimed abused her because their personalities are too much alike and she is a notorious liar so I don’t believe a word of it. I remember when I was 2 years old and I never saw any questionable behavior on the part of the person she accused. I believe it is an excuse to try to make her feel okay about the abuse she inflicted on her younger sibling, although she and the sister who abused me do not admit it was abuse.