This has been a rough week for me. While it was freeing to make the choice not to question whatever memories surfaced, this also apparently opened the floodgates to dealing with some really heavy stuff. At this point, I don’t even know what it is yet … only that it is really bad.
On Sunday night, I had a cluster of nightmares:
1. I vomited into toilets three times – severe, Norovirus-like retching.
2. I was a teenager living on the East Coast in the U.S. My mother had moved to Seattle (place farthest away in the Continental U.S.) and was forcing me to visit her there. I didn’t want to go there, but I had no choice.
3. I was late in getting my son to school. I was not ready, and I kept running around like crazy trying to get dressed. Weird impediments kept happening, like my socks being attached to each other. I looked up and realize that I had three HUGE fish tanks in my room. I “forgot” they were there and had not fed the fish in many months. I felt like crap because they must have starved to death, and I tried to find some fish food as I saw that some were still alive and must have eaten the dead ones to survive. The dead ones were in clusters on the bottom like people who banded together as they died one by one. There were two fish that looked like people who truly hated me for what I had done to them.
Then, the next night, I had flashes of a trimmed Christmas tree being thrown on the bonfire and body memories of being forced to perform oral sex on a woman. I again had a pattern of three dreams:
1. I was very upset about how people were treating fish. (Think about when people refer to fish in reference to a woman – smell.)
2. I had a dream involving my friend’s kid who is 8 rather than my own kid, who is 10.
3. I was running around a courthouse. (Seeking justice)
This dream cluster had another pattern of threes:
1. An older man (represented by former boss in dream) experiments with fish and makes their color pale.
2. A child stirs chili powder into the water with the fish, which kills them, but he feels badly when I get very upset about it.
3. I try to buy back a DVD of the fish that a restaurant has. (restaurant = eating = my body memory) The restaurant refuses to give me the DVD but will sell it to me. I think this ties into child porn – recordings of my “fish” being sold.
I am physically exhausted from the dreams and feel “off.” I feel like I have two or three bubbles in my head taking up the space where one bubble should be. That’s the best way that I can describe it. This is how I feel when I have truths breaking into my subconscious.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Faith,
Reading your dreams is overwhelming – I can’t imagine dreaming them. I can’t say more than that…
I am hoping you have some sort of management plan because i have no clue how in the world you can hold it together and be in your day with all this in your head.
This has been a hard week for me, too. A rememory worked its way up Monday in therapy and i’ve been dissociating ever since and eating xanax like it was candy and somehow working but not even remembering my days. bothering my therapist who doesn’t seem the least bit concerned that i am cutting and can’t get escape out of my mind. i am leaning on his reasoning because i have none. The night terrors are too much.
Just thinking that you have the wherwithall to write all this out is amazing to me. you show strength that i do not understand. you have faith in the process i can tell. that alone gives your readers hope.
Thanks, Aggiemonday.
I think having faith in the process is a HUGE part of my ability to continue on. I had a lovely morning today with some new friends (mothers of children in my son’s school). I am feeling much “lighter” today. I have learned that, even when things are very, very hard, the pain won’t last. I just have to keep holding on until things ease up.
Last night, I dreamed about a friend who is my “discerner.” I invited her in but then kept being very inhospitable to her. I think that is what is going on inside of me. I want to know, but I also don’t.
- Faith
Faith,
So much opening up in you sounds humongous andso very difficult. A flood.. How can we help be a life raft in the flood as the truth unfolds?
(A counselor once told me “The truth does set you free, but first it’ll drive you crazy!” grin…just hoped to give you a tiny smile.)
Sending hugs and support, listening, hoping to help in some way, as you have helped so many of us.
ruby
I know how intense dreams like this can be. It seems as if you have a good sense of what they are about. Even if the memories aren’t new, it is likely there is an unresolved issue with some part of you. For me, I know I seem to have to override the same negative messages again and again. My therapist will bring me through a whole series of things to realize that the “I’m completely worthless” message is not true with an eight year old part. Later, I come back with the same exact message again, this time attached to a six year old or a ten year old memory.
The messages you received as a child were ingrained very deeply. They were reinforced in many ways – likely not only through sexual abuse. Because the sexual abuse is so distasteful for you, the other things that are maybe less obviously wrong might be placed in the category of sexual abuse in your mind in order to give them power – so you will feel validated in looking at and working through them.
I say this because I think it’s important to realize that every negative message you carry is not your fault, is worth dealing with and is valid no matter how it might look to someone else. There are no petty wounds or insignificant pains.
(((((((((((((((Faith))))))))))))) if okay
Not much to say but understand and sending you support if wanted to just aid a little in this time of new horrific memories.
anon
Thinking of you Faith.
“This has been a rough week for me. While it was freeing to make the choice not to question whatever memories surfaced, this also apparently opened the floodgates…”
When I read this I was surprised because I started writing you yesterday to say the same thing but then deleted the message. Accepting my memories as true did the same thing, but not in the form of dreams so much feeling intensely dirty and unsafe and that the whole world is disgusting. I decided I do not want to remember anything anymore. Its too hard and makes life hard to live. I want to focus on the here and now with the tools I have been given.
I am sorry about your dreams being so intense. I could feel it as I read it. You may need to take some extra Self-nurturing time today to strengthen yourself for what may come out. Do a lot of positive thinking. I always have to remind myself that God loves me and I am the apple of his eye. Hang in there. We are here to listen if you need us!!!
How terrifying.
I hope you are able to remember that this won’t last forever, and that there is greater healing and peace on the other side.
Sending safe love and healing waves.
Peace,
mia
Hi Faith,
I’m sorry this happened to you. May integrating the new memories go as well as possible.
Best wishes,
SDW
Recalling memories is so daunting and difficult to deal with. I hate that you are experiencing this.
Wow Faith. It is so interesting how our minds work to try to tell us things indirectly in bits and pieces so that we AREN’T completely flooded without warning. At least it seems that way to me, reading about your dreams. The emotional impact and the outworking of the wounds in your daily life is represented so well in these analogies, to kind of prepare you for what it’s about. I remember writing in my journal over 12 years ago about having a feeling that I had a graveyard of people in my heart who I had emotionally “killed”. I wrote that I felt like in my heart was a black hole that would suck everyone I let into my heart into it’s dead numbness, so I had to keep people from entering my heart so they wouldn’t die to me. So I wouldn’t harden myself to them and cut them off. Your dream about the dead fish reminded me of that. I never understood until recently when I finally realized I have DID, that those people were not just my friends I didn’t want to get too close to me, but parts of my own self that I had thought I had to “kill”. I was thinking that your feeling so bad about neglecting those fish you didn’t even realize were there is a similar message from your subconscious.
You are really a good writer. I love reading your posts, even though they are hard and disturbing topics, because of how well you communicate the process you go through. I am very new to this and I feel so much less crazy when I see that you and so many others get it exactly. I pray that you are able to hang on during this latest storm and experience God’s peace that is beyond understanding, i.e., inexplicable how we could have it in the middle of such turmoil.
(((Faith))) suppose some of the fish stuff is partly related to another memory you’ve talked about?
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When they killed your dog and you vomited the fish you had for dinner.
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I know its healing to go through the process of remembering, but I hate the pain you are feeling.
Sending thoughts of warmth comfort peace and strength.
palucci
Hi, Palucci.
I had not thought about the possibility of that connection. Thank you for that. :0)
- Faith