On my blog entry entitled Battling Self Hate after Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:
By the way, on a related note, can you write a post about body image after child abuse? I have terrible issues with body image, some stemming from the fact that I have DID (so my alters are not adjusted to the fact that they live in an adult body), but some others probably stemmed from the hurting. ~ Astrid
Body image issues are very common for child abuse survivors. Some child abuse survivors, particularly those who suffered from sexual abuse, wear baggy clothing so their bodies are covered. (I am guilty of this – I don’t want anyone looking at my body in a sexual way.) Many people who self-injure in ways that leave scars (such as cutting or burning) will wear long sleeves, even in the heat of the summer, to hide their scars. Many sexual abuse survivors insist on wearing shirts over their bathing suits, even in the water, so they can keep their bodies covered.
These body image issues can spill over into eating disorders. People with anorexia often wear baggy clothing to cover how small their bodies are. People with bulimia or binge eating issues might hate their bodies for being larger, even though their larger bodies are a direct result of the way the person is managing her emotions.
If you think about it, having body image issues after child abuse really does make sense. I experienced my trauma through my body as it was violated, so I rejected my body because it provided the means for my abusers to hurt me in ways that ran much deeper than physically. The physical wounds healed, but I carried the emotional wounds with me for decades after the abuse ended. Rejecting my body makes logical sense to the wounded little girl inside of me.
Mixing in Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) can make body image issues even more complex. I was a thin little girl but then got fat at age 12 through an eating disorder. I have skinny little girl alter parts who are appalled at the size of my adult body. Even though my body objectively looks pretty good (especially after lifting weights for a year, working out regularly, and losing 20 lbs.), my body feels “off” to some of my alter parts. While some is due to weight issues, a lot is simply due to a little girl part feeling out of place in a woman’s body. It’s just another layer of complexity in healing my body image.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
I am overweight, with lots and lots of fat. I was always overweight but it wasn’t until my 20s, when I first started consciously considering my sexual abuse issues, that I became really big. Having discussed this with psychiatrists, therapists and psychiatric nurses, the two seem directly connected.
For a while I refused to be seen in a swimming suit without further cover, as you mentioned. However, as I’ve gone through therapy, I’ve cared increasingly less. So now I swim, self-harm scars, flab and all, in a normal costume.
It’s hard to get to that point, but it can be done.
As for alters, I only have one of which I’m aware. She is about five. Oddly, she seems not really to have noticed the adult body. However, I can see how that could cause tremendous confusion in a DID system
It must be hard to have more than one part who is not happy with your body. That is something I would have never considered till you described it. I have enough trouble with just a single part that is frustrated with my body.
Could you speak to how you got these parts to be more accepting of your physicality and how you got to the place where you could be more in control and integrated in a physical sense? Does that question make sense?
Thanks Faith. Great post!
This has been a very challenging and occasionally hilarious issue for me. The challenging part is I do not see in the mirror what people see when they look at me. I buy clothes I think fit and am told they are 3 sizes too big. People tell me I have a “mature beauty” and I look around to see who they are talking about. When I look in the mirror I see “husky” the term my abusers used to describe me for my first 16 years. I don’t feel feminine at all, yet people say I am. I don’t see it. I feel like a lumbering lug.
What i mean about hilarious is sometimes my little parts make hilarious comments like “wow, you have big pillows!” (you can guess what she’s talking about) or “you’re really tall” (i’m only 5’3″ but to a 5 year old…). Sometimes i look at my hands and they don’t seem to fit. Too big for “who i am.” Or the little ones are fascinated by my wrinkles. It can be disconcerting at times.
Most disconcerting to me is, when I look in the mirror to do makeup, etc., I often do not recognize me! And I’ve been looking in the mirror for many decades! I am just starting to really see me…but I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror.
Thanks for this topic. I’ve written lightly here, but at times it’s very hard too.
ruby
The mirror thing, that happens to me often too; it started around 2 years ago, which I think is around the time I started remembering abuse. I was always scared when I woke up and looked in the mirror, and didn’t know who was looking back at me.
Is this (not recognizing yourself sometimes in the mirror) a common thing with child abuse survivors, anbody?
I don’t know, but I have it too! I think it is common with any level of dissociation, so not necessarily DID, but even just momentarily feeling that your body does not belong to you. I saw it listed somewhere as a symptom of dissociation.
It’s funny how it can be a good or bad thing. Sometimes I look at what is apparently myself and think “hey, she’s quite pretty, I’m not too displeased with that” and other times I think “why has time done this to me? I’m not grown up, I can’t be” and get really upset. Nowadays I just roll with it.
And it’s not just the adult body thing, it’s the meeting your own gaze in the mirror and seeing a stranger. I avoid mirrors on those days; it just disturbs me.
I am very familiar with the aversion to the body in general after such terrible abuse because it is often seen that it was “the body” that led them to be abused. If they had not been in a gendered body, they would not have been abused. So the body becomes the enemy itself. Then as already mentioned there are the issues of not wanting to appear sexual in any way, and issues of scars. A lot of us, even when not multiple, have issues with body image- thinking of ourselves differently than we are. I think I am a slim 17 year old until I look in the mirror and see an overweight 55 year old.
As far as alters though, I think I am hearing a mix of things said here. The issue of what people see when they look in the mirror. My experience (from an external position) is that the alters see the host for what they look like- and at times make commentary on what the host looks like, but when an alter is out and looks in the mirror, they see “themselves” as they appear on the inside world. They don’t see the physical appearance of the host. In fact I remember one situation where an alter went into a deep withdrawn depression when she came to understand that when people look at her they were seeing the appearance of the host. She never wanted to come out again because she didn’t want people to see her the way outsiders did.
So I am not sure if that is how it is for most of you or not- whether your alters see themselves when they look in the mirror, or they see what outsiders see.
Some times it s funny. I once said “Hey you are short.” to a 5′ therapist. We often say “I am really tall today.”
Today in therapy I sat on the floor and one said “Things look right from here.
I used to have a problem with bumping my head as I was not that tall or smashing our burning my hands as my arms are longer than I knew. It sometimes feels like I am walking on stilts.
I think it is about where the center is. I learned that finding my center as it has to be where others thing it is unhelpful. My center can be all over the place and sometimes outside of my body.
If I am in motion there seems to be little problem.
I am a baggy clothes many layers guy and often will not take off my coat. Someone once said “I think you would enjoy pants that fit.” I said “These don’t fit” and they said “Never mind.”
I am more than willing to let other people tell me what to wear. I really don’t care.
I would only get my hair cut when someone said I needed to or my hard hat would fall off. It is nothing for me to look down and be shocked at my shadow.
This is interesting. (LOL, we find almost everything ‘interesting’.)
We have some body issues; pretty much the same as listed above; not all. LOL, the little one LIKES being ‘tall’ – but not so much ugly, nor the leg/arm hair thing (ugly again).
And yeah; you guessed it: we think we are ugly indeed; very ugly. The wife says it ain’t so. I and we think we are nauseously ugly. While bisexual, I wouldn’t go to bed myself (not a practicing Bi, you understand: we examined that issue and made our decision by looking at issues and social views – and then asking: where are we going to be happiest. Result? Half a life missing, many loves gone.)
We like baggy clothes; the baggier the better: MUST not ‘grasp’, clench, or be too tight. Hate that. And our clothing is that of a bum; a homeless person. People rarely realize when they see me: here is an IQ 150ish person; former white-collar engineer, in charge of designing factories for a major pharma firm. No, they see trash and a down-on-his-luck bum. What I see tells me a lot about them. The wife ‘cleans me up’ (dressing clothes) when we go out to meet her social needs. (I have NO problem going to a tux & tie affair in ragged blue-jean paint stained shorts and ragged old mechanics linen shirt – she does.)
Our arm scars have faded somewhat until we get tanned. Then it looks like I had a really bad fight with a weed-eater. The deep scar on the wrist gives me trouble (cut nerve, cut artery. Doc said: anatomically perfect: a surgeon couldn’t have done better – 1/2 inch wide; 1/4 inch in. Their Z-plasti scar is bigger than the original wound.)
Face pitted to the max; children stare. Both acne pockmarks (was not like today with medications; Army Docs didn’t care: dependant teenager, who cares?) – then a couple of explosions in the Marine Corps. Ugly. (sigh). More scars than I can count all over: 100′s. Tanning makes them worse, but I tan anyway. We have gotten more to the point to where we don’t care what people think.
My view of the scars (except the arm scars) have changed; not so ashamed. They are my ‘battlefield scars” – both the battle inside and out. We are ate up with scars. Some no doubt due to our tolerance to pain (Docs say I have a wonderful tolerance to pain).
(sigh) Alligator skin of old age: the fine diamond wrinkles bother the child: I see with double vision sometimes: the smooth firm skin of a younger child superimposed over the older skin and ugly scars. But we had scars when we were a child. I carry one of my face forever from that era. Again: Army docs have no pity, nor are (were) they skilled in plastic surgery. Very ugly.
The child hates certain things: the adam’s apple; wrinkly skin; hair in private places; but is fascinated by mustache. Really can’t stand anything against my throat. Don’t know why: even my wife’s caress on my throat feels like someone is choking me. So no turtle necks, no tight collars. It’s like a noose or something. Again; don’t know why: we just get these weird flashes in memory; half seen glimpses; must’ve been something awful in today’s standard.
Used to be ‘fat’. They (parents) termed me ‘husky’. I weighed 175 at 13 and 54 inches tall. Weigh the same now. 6′-1″ on a good day. Ugly toes (docs mangled big toe toe nails). Hate eating. Hate bodily functions. Not anorexic: just hate ‘taking care’ of body. But we recognize it as a ‘necessary function’ that we can’t wait to quit.
Disabled, BTW. Most folks don’t realize. Major nerve damage to back, spine, connective tissue. Blame the Marines, but USMCR 180 day wonder (run 180 days; 3 days off, 180 days, 3 days off – all so they could not give me benefits.) LOL, wouldn’t go to the VA because they’d kill me like they’ve done so many of my friends. Plus civilian docs have said: nothing they can do. Hate the ‘shrunken’ muscle over my shoulder blade; bent bones. I don’t believe the docs: I think something could be done, but medicare don’t care, and SSDI doesn’t pay spit (tho’ I earn the max due to earnings as engineering pro.) I had pre-med; we are a biology nut; am certain this could be corrected but $$$$ …. if you are poor, you are F’d. So we hurt and ache 24/7/365 and have for 30 years only getting worse all the time. But we smile and persevere. Others raise eyebrows and eyeballs at us, not understanding: to cry or to laugh is our choice. So we laugh.
Body: Body gets ignored. Body — we beat him up. Body is a wonderful thing; but he’s no good: we put him through too much. Poor body: the one innocent in the all in this.
Which reminds me: Body: we’ve wrote a blog on him. DID patients may want to beware? be aware? Wanna ‘see’ him? (no not picture; just our view of ‘dumb body’) We posted here: http://wp.me/p1t0dv-u and http://wp.me/p1t0dv-9m.
LOL, almost forgot: the ugly mouth. Had a silver stainless steel tooth up front from age 12 until 45 or so. Made us look like a pirate, LOL – with the old clothes, long unruly hair, drooping mustache, and ate up face. No wonder children (especially babies) stare. And yet: we get along (babies children and I) – relate I think sometimes better than their own parents sometimes. I understand them? Due to the DID thing, I reckon. But rarely play.
Too much posting; hate to eat up more room.
Until later my friends so to speak.
I had parts come out recently that had not been out for more than two years, and they kept wanting to touch my hips and didn’t understand their shape, because I have had a child since they were last out. It was very weird feeling and I kept walking into things, if only the medical profession really understood DID they would ‘get’ this…
I have a few body problems: I have a very inexpressive face which can appear odd/ hard to other people, from years of repressing my emotions or living ‘in shock’; I really don’t know what size I am and always forget shoe and clothes size; various parts of my body, particularly the erotic areas, will go numb at various times; overall I dress more confidently and don’t care about scars being seen but I never feel quite ‘here’ bodily so it seems like I am wasting a lot of effort in dressing up nicely when I feel so invisible most of the time. The one break I had from this was in pregnancy when I think I was much more grounded in my body due to constant connection with the baby inside. I felt like I was ‘here’ then.
I was the one who originally asked Faith to write about this, so I’m going to write down my experiences in some more detail if it’s okay. I can relate to a lot of what you all describe, even though my sexual trauma was extremely mild and most of the hurting I got was physical and emotional. Nonetheless, it’s my body that got hurt (when I was hurt physically), so I have an aversion to it in a way. It is also related to unexplained, possibly psychogenic pain all over my body that I find hard to trace due to lack of good body awareness. I have a history of some traumatic medical procedures, so maybe those cause the body image issues too.
As for DID, I have several alters who hate the body. Some are simply young children who are not adjusted to an adult body. The complicating factor is that I went blind at around age 12 (I was always visually impaired), so some of my alters say the eyes are bad and have a hard time adjusting to that. Lastly, there are parts who hate my body for the way it feels; the pain and depersonalization (feeling of unreality of your own body).
I have always worn normal clothes with the priority that they feel good on me rather than look good. My self-harm scars are visible and so is my bodyshape (I am an average size). I’ve not had an issue with clothes other than tactile sensitivity which I doubt has to do with trauma.
One aspect of my body issues has only recently become clear to me, and it’s a relief to hear that I am not alone in it.
I don’t have an accurate perception of the size of my body most of the time. I have accurate knowledge of the size of my body, but it doesn’t translate to how I feel and perceive my physical self. Sometimes I feel small, like a young child. Sometimes I feel like I’m huge, taking up too much space in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m not physically real at all.
It only clicked in my mind when I realized for a moment one day that I had an accurate perception of my body. I notice those moments now, and I’ve discovered I can sometimes hold onto them if I really ground myself in that sense of having a physical body.
I’ve also realized that this is the reason I’m drawn to my reflection in windows and such. I used to be embarrassed, because I felt vain, staring at my reflection, or even glancing at it again and again in a window, every time I got a chance. But I’ve realized now that the reason I do that is because it assures me I’m real. That I have a physical body. It reminds me what I look like, and that I do look like something, people can see me!
All of these things I know logically, but I often just don’t include my physical body in my perceptions of myself. Like I don’t exist outside of my mind. I’m starting to try and intentionally include my body in my perceptions. It’s a weird but really cool feeling.
Your experiences match mine almost completely.
Sometimes I feel invisible as I go about in public and I’m stunned and unsettled by people speaking to me. Other times I’m scared to stand up straight because I feel that at my full size everyone will stare at me (5’5″ and 140 pounds, so hardly likely). I stare at myself a lot, because I can’t quite connect my physical presence with the “me” that’s inside looking out, and I worry about being caught staring and having people think I’m vain. It’s also the reason I talk to myself, or rather, think out loud. It’s just an attempt to connect my thoughts to physical reality.
I have another strange angle on it, in that I realised that I often forget what I look like and start thinking that I look like my abusers. We look completely different, but it’s almost like they copied themselves into my mind and my identity so completely that I can’t divorce myself from them enough to remember that I look different. Sometimes, especially after a nightmare, I wake up and have to look in the mirror to check I’m not actually them. I think this is a byproduct of the coping mechanism called “fusion” where one becomes as one with the abuser.
Hi, Faith.
Well, I’m a month into integration. I wasn’t planning on integrating — it wasn’t a therapeutic goal — it just happened during an EMDR therapy session. It happened as the result of realizing that everything that happens in my head — alters, fantasies, characters, everything — is just me. It’s all me.
And since then, everything’s changed. My identity, the way I interact with people, the way I function, the way I see myself.
I have few relationships — I had continuous contact with one of my abusers — my adoptive father (who married a woman who emotionally abused me from the day we met) until just about a year ago. It wasn’t until this April that he finally got the hint that I want nothing to do with him anymore and stopped contacting me.
In the past month, though, I have also discontinued a relationship with someone I thought was my best friend. Integrating made me see the reality of our relationship — she has very abusive tendencies — and I said no more and walked away.
It’s been really hard. I don’t know anyone who’s ever had DID and I’ve only rarely heard of integration happening — I’ve never heard anyone else’s story before.
So for the past month, I’ve been trudging through all these changes on my own. It’s been really difficult. Kind of like making your way through unknown terrain on a moonless night. It’s dark and I keep falling.
Still have issues — lots of them. Aside from trying to figure out who I am now that I’m whole, I have body issues (overeating/binge eating is still somewhat of a problem) — although your blog help me understand part of that. There was a skinny alter (now she’s just part of me) who was/is disgusted that I am over 250 lbs.
I also have sexuality issues. I’ve never had a positive sexual experience with a partner. And I’ve been celibate for 10 years this July.
And meanwhile, I’m working on this whole “being an adult thing” — which most days sucks pretty bad. I also just started working full time in February — I’ve been on disability (because of the DID) for 8 years, so being successful in the work force is a big deal.
There is a lot going on and I’m am truly just trying to keep my head above water.
Thanks for the blog.
Savannah
Hi, Savannah.
Congratulations on integrating!
My integration experience has been more gradual, so I can only imagine what you are going through. I had a HUGE shift in self-perception when I integrated my host personality and stopped losing time, but I had become more familiar with my “core” at that point, so it was mostly a positive experience.
However, I have had odd shifts as I have integrated different parts. For example, I always felt safe pushing my son in a stroller at a local park with friends. Then, I integrated an alter part, and suddenly I became hypervigilent, sizing up each person in the park and looking for escape routes. Thankfully, that only lasted a few days as that part fully integrated with the rest.
I have gone through periods of shifts in musical preference, level of anxiety, etc. as different parts have integrated. Self-love and self-acceptance bring me back to center. Also, a strong spirituality (including yoga and meditation) have really helped.
- Faith
[...] 13, 2011 by faithallen On my blog entry entitled Issues with Body Image after Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: It must be hard to have more than one part who is not happy [...]
I hate my body and my disabilities. I was born disabled and suffered from child abuse. I wear baggy clothes to hide myself and never feel good about my looks. I have been teased by people including being called gay, ugly, crazy, etc just because of how I look.
I have always wanted plastic surgery but can’t afford it. Also, it will not help because I will still be mentally disabled. I do not know who I was supposed to be when the abuse interupted my normal growth pattern.
Terrified- Since it is not clear here what type of disabilities you are talking about since you talk both about being born with disabilities, and the fact that these are not things that would be changed if you could get plastic surgery, I can only comment in generalities. Learning to accept and love yourself exactly the way you are is really important so others on the outside don’t have as much power over how you feel about yourself. Having said that though, I know how totally trite and silly that sounds. It is like, wouldn’t we all just do that if it was so easy? Some ways to start would be to hang around people who love you just as you are, so you can learn to love yourself through their eyes. If you had a lot of abuse in your life you probably didn’t have a lot of experience with just being appreciated for who you are.So developmentally you need to receive some of that. That is how we all learn to value ourselves (if we are lucky enough to get the good emotional stuff we need as we develop.) Maybe really working to think of your interest and traits that you really value will help you value you. I don’t know if “mentally disabled” matters a lot -no matter how you define that. I struggle with the word “disabled” because it seems only relevant to those who consider themselves NOT “disabled.” As far as plastic surgery, if there are things that you would like to have changed because of harm that has been done to you, there is nothing wrong with researching routes to make that possible for you.
I’m sorry that people have been so cruel to you- not only the major abuses that would have happened to you, but those who have made you feel bad about how you look, and made fun of you or called you names. There is just too much mean stuff out there.
hating that I am in a female body is something I deal with every day. Hunger and starvation was my life as a child. I have never before thought of why I feel emaciated sometimes even though I am not skinny anymore as an adult…