I don’t write much about my therapist anymore because I “graduated” from therapy a few years ago. I know he is always there for me if I need a session, which is one reason why I mostly don’t feel the need to go back. As long as I have the safety net, I feel safe to fly on my own.
Also, I have internalized so many of his messages. I can “hear” his “voice” when I am in a bad place, so I don’t need the physical proximity to get the therapy. I know exactly what he will say – He will tell me how great I am doing while I look at him like he has two heads. He will challenge all of my negativity about myself and point out how far I have come. He will call me a walking miracle. He will never validate my fears of being certifiably “crazy.”
He will show a reaction to the pain I share – not the stoic look on the faces of shrinks on TV but the reaction of someone who is validating that the abuse really was “that bad.” He will then keep redirecting me to removing the label of “crazy” from myself and put that label squarely on my abusers’ shoulders.
He will 100% believe whatever I tell him happened and 100% believe in my ability to be OK. He is 100% confident that I will overcome every single painful memory and that I will never be “normal” because I am too extraordinary of a person to be limited by normality.
I have referred friends to my therapist over the years, telling them that if he can “fix me,” then he can “fix” anyone. Of course, he would say that I did all of the “fixing” myself in an extraordinary way, but I am painfully aware that I could have just as easily scared off a lesser therapist.
One friend contacted him a couple of weeks ago while her own therapist was indisposed. She told him that I made the referral. I don’t know what he said to her specifically about me, but she told me that he thinks the world of me.
Another close friend has been seeing him regularly for a few years. In her last session, she talked about me for a little while (which I am 100% OK with – I trust them both). She needed someone to talk to about the flashback I shared with her, and it’s not like this is something she can discuss with just anyone.
It was kind of cool hearing his comments. I could completely hear his voice as she related them to me. He was very validating about that “crazy” memory and my reaction to it. She also told him that I had a bad dream, and his response was, “That’s the only kind of dream she ever has.”
I can’t quite articulate why, but that one comment was what inspired this blog entry. He gets it, and he gets me. I tell people all the time that I have nightmares every single night and that I can probably count on one hand the number of “good” dreams I have had in my life. I think most people believe I am exaggerating, but I am not … and my therapist gets that about me. One person on this planet really and truly gets me. Not only does he get me, but he also thinks the world of me. That’s a great feeling!
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Oh Faith, that is a marvellous post reflecting so well on both yourself and your T. You both seem amazing to me. I’m afraid I cannot write the same at all – I have not yet had a T who gets me. They have always tried to shift the blame onto me, or been critical, or controlling, or have begun emotionally to distance themselves when I speak of the ritual abuse and my feelings. This makes me feel very sad, and, at times, desperate and unworthy, but I am learning that I do deserve the kind of person who was your T and I am going to make it my life’s quest to find that person who will accept and affirm me. I am strong but I need somebody to help me. If I was in the States I would certainly ask for your T! Well done, Faith, you are inspirational and lovely and so generous.
Did you find having a male therapist made a difference, Faith? My previous two were both men and both ‘got’ me (although one screwed me over a bit in the end, thanks to the bureaucracy of the UK’s NHS). I saw one other man in the past who didn’t really work for me, but in general I gelled a lot better with men than women in this arena.
My most recent therapist, from whom I’m now having a(n enforced) break was particularly great, but thinks my inability to work meaningfully with females is because it was them, primarily, that failed to protect me from my primary abuser. I don’t know what I think, but I know I begged the organisation for whom my last therapist worked to let me see a man when I first approached them.
This coming from a devoted feminist!
In any case, it’s brilliant that you had such a good relationship with this man, and that you have the safety net of returning should you need to. You’ve clearly done a lot of great work with him, and being able to continue that yourself is brilliant. Kudos
Hi, Pandora.
I briefly worked with a counselor when I was in college who was both female and of a different race. She was great and so helpful. I wasn’t able to see her very often, though, because the counseling service was free and booked up quickly.
I do think having a male T helped because I initially sought therapy for the mother-daughter sexual abuse. Also, he is older than I am, so there was never an issue of dealing with a man my own age who might have ulterior motives.
- Faith
Hi Pandora
A fellow navigator of the NHS Mental Health Service here! It’s incredibly difficult to get what you need on the NHS, to be honest they seem disorganised if anything.
I seem to be quite unusual in that all of my childhood abuse, bar some school bullying, was purely female-perpetrated, and I’ve ended up with a very strong distrust of women, which is mainly what I want therapy for as it’s proving a difficult problem to shift. I’ve been assessed for psychotherapy on the NHS about 3 times now, and all the people I’ve seen have said that seeing a female therapist would be better as I could deal with the problems that come up actually in therapy. The problem is, I dissociate completely before I even get to the hospital, and there’s no point talking to that side of me, because it doesn’t have the capacity for trust or confidence or anything really. So I think I’m going to give up and request a man next time, because I just seem intractable with a woman.
I can trust women in everyday life (sometimes), but a woman with authority scares the hell out of me. I think it reminds me of the mother person.
I am telling people now I am not average. It fits does not mean I think I am better just not average.
I work with my therapist differently. We share some things that we both get like a weed is just a plant growing where you wish were not. She does not get that it is well cool to take a golf ball and head it at one person and curve it towards the other so they both have to duck and have it land near the pin. There were being idiots.
My therapist understands that she does not understand. She does not believe or disbelieve me. She is aware of the reality of the horrors that can happen to a person in the world. She believes that I can heal completely. She believes I will not be in therapy the rest of my life. Good thing I told her that the first time I met her. “Just so you know this is not a career for me.”
I hear her voice if it is my truth and that is not unique to her. Do not judge a work of art by its defects came from someone else I love. They my dog who died is now in my heart is from someone else I love. That PTS is post as in after came from her. We have to stop for now came from her. When I told her I am doing good she said “I think you are doing good work” came from her. That is OK to not be with someone you love is from someone else. That I like doing the dishes I just don’t like starting them from another.
That if I listen I can hear a whisper that I am full came from Faith.
Some of us call her the Gypsy Dancer. It is a dance and I lead and I lead myself.
I don’t even know what she thinks about DID Vs Multiplicity. Does not matter if we agree or not.
I almost think that I could not relate to any therapist who is not right brained.
I am in the process of grieving the time I spent with therapists who thought they had a important knowledge base. Those that thought they knew more about me than I did. I am not dumb I know this will come to be championing therapists that can help people heal and stop being against the majority that can not.. In a way I was limited to what they could understand., Kinda like you don’t get good at tennis if you only play against hacks.
My therapist is not hurt by what I tell her. It makes her angry that it happened and it makes her sad. She is together enough that she can process it.
I do not know if my therapist will always be there for me. She is a talented and gifted person. She could decide to stop being a therapist. She is crazy to be a therapist. What I know is no matter what if I stop seeing her it will not be because she does not love me. A very special therapeutic love.
My therapist is always happy to see me. It is kinda like my children. I am always happy to see them. Always. Every time. Different than I always want to be with them.
Anyway I smiled all through writing this comment. Laughed a few time also.
I should have noted that I work very hard to make the relationship work., I bring everything I can to it. I do not play games nor to I think she is my friend she is my therapist it is all about me. .
Right-brain left-brain stuff I think is v interesting. As I have healed I have actually ‘felt’ connection between the two halves and I suffer most when one side, usually the left, only is being communicated with by people outside or when I repress one side. I have got into trouble so many times with employers and decided it’s because I am in a very left-brain job and at times when my right brain resurges I just can’t do my job really, and all the time my right-brain is neglected at work I feel resentment and only wish to transform the job!
Ax,
It is a left brained world that is for sure. There is nothing wrong with my left brain., I just find it boring.
I have done much work with the right and left thing. I had to figure it all out on my own. Can’t google that one. I have found that much of it is about being in motion. Give me motion and good things can happen.
Michael
Faith,
I am glad that your T “gets” you. The points you make about your T are absolutely true about mine, too – particularly the “crazy” part.
There are still times when I don’t trust the T, or there is the internal argument of “he has to say those things, you pay him,” but mostly we trust him and appreciate that he gets us, too.
It might seem silly, but hearing you relate the traits that make you appreciate your T, and discussing how he helped you heal – seeing the similarity to my T gave me a bit more trust in him.
wtr
That is so sweet! I have a special friend that helps me like that.
i began therapy this time around for a rather unrelated issue. now about 3 yrs ago. my therapist has walked this journey with me. we have both grown as humanbeings, client therapist and friends. not outside of therapy but it is a friendship all the same. she has told me that when we started down the real point of my therapy.. these memories and flashbacks. the incomprehensible of it..that she was overwhelmed. but she stood right by me. never wavering. never ceasing to believe anything and everyrhing i tell her. she listenes with emotion. she obviously cares. she validates me and helps me seek answers and stay feeling safe to do so. she is a blessing to me. i have never.. ever..ever trusted anyone as much as my therapist. some things i cannot say ..speak..out loud but she can. she believes everthing and me. she helps me to believe myself. she tells me she believes me ever week. she will not let me believe i am just ‘crazy’. i am not. she validates this alongside of me. i cant put into words how hard this journey is but i would not want to share it..walk it..with a different soul. she is the therapist that i needed. a ‘meant to be thing’ i feel. she believes, too, i am a miracle and that i am here for a reason. she knows i will heal. she tells me that she has learned so much from me. i, too, have recommended 3 people to her. she tells them i am amazing. i appreciate that. she is amazing, also. i am blessed.
my therapist gets me, too. it’s a wonderful feeling
I am thankful to have a therapist I trust and who gets me. I had another who cared about me but didn’t get me and that did some damage, but I think her intentions were good. But the one I have now (for about 5 years…she says we’re on the home stretch) gets me entirely and also explains why I am not at all crazy. It always astonishes me when she says, “You are the most sane person I know.” Especially if it’s at the end of a session when I part came out and worked with her. She also believes everything I remember. She is also completely honest with me, doesn’t paint unrealistic Polyanna pictures…but does always paint truthful pictures that give me hope in the real world.
One thing that Michael said that was important for my relationship with my therapist “nor do I think she is my friend she is my therapist.” Although I know she deeply cares about me and I deeply care about her, we have not engaged in a friendship outside counselling. She is very professional, and I know, especially at first, if we were also friends I’d have not told her the truth because i’d have been afraid of losing her friendship. but in our relationship I can tell her anything and she is never put off. It’s a gift.
Thanks for this post Faith!
Ruby
I had a therapist years ago that was a man, and I vividly remember when I was telling him about some of the things that had happened, he cried! At first, it freaked me out–I thought I had done something wrong! This was actually BEFORE I remembered the more severe abuse over the last few years, but the fact that he cried FOR me has stayed with me. No one has ever done that before (or since). My therapist now is a woman, and I like her very much, but she doesn’t show any emotion whatsoever. I even asked her recently, if she ever cried over the things that she hears all day–she said no. I know that she listens to what I say, and she has told me that she knows it has happened to other kids, but sometimes I feel like something is missing. I feel like I’m struggling trying to get ‘that’ connection. How do you know if you are expecting too much from them? I mean, I’m telling her (or atleast trying to tell her) things that I have never said out loud before, and sometimes I feel alone. Where is the line between my expectations and needs, and a therapists professionalism?!?
I began training as a psychotherapist before I had a breakdown (it disturbed the memories, I think), and we were mainly being taught empathy, empathy, empathy at all times. We had to practise with each other in small groups, and there was one woman who talked about her mother abusing her and her consequent fears about becoming a mother herself, and anyone who heard it had tears in their eyes and that was considered good, because the woman’s emotion was being reflected back at her and that was validation and compassion. If a therapist doesn’t show emotion I feel that it’s not happening quite the way it should. Maybe some therapists are taught not to. But I was taught that clients should be able to see themselves in their therapist, that the therapist should be beside the client, walking along the emotional path, not observing from the side. So I tend to reject therapists who I feel are not empathic in their approach.
In order to deal with what they’re going through, the empathic therapist has mandatory therapy themselves once a week, and, we were taught, sets boundaries in their personal life such as taking half an hour to themselves when they get home to ground themselves. It’s not easy, but done properly it can’t really be easy.
“I will never be “normal” because I am too extraordinary of a person to be limited by normality.”
I love this sentence! I wish all the people in my life who want me to be “normal” could accept me for who I am because I am extraordinary.
*Bee
My therapist did cry once in therapy. It was not working and I needed to try something different,. It was not a see if she would try and stop me thing.
My therapist does not show much emotion as in sadness or anger at what happened to me., I do. She lets me cry and be mad. She does show happiness in seeing me that is what we share.
When I dare and look into her eyes I see what I need to see. She is not clinically detached.
It seems to work for me., I know she cares. I suspect she cries when I am not there. You notice things like there is not often an appointment after me. I am the first. appointment of the day. I expect it takes that to deal with us. Time before and time after. Does not matter not my deal.
She can not be my friend as then I have responsibility to her. It works as my responsibility is limited to my responsibility to work hard to heal so I do not see her anymore. Her and I will at sometime need to work out the relationship after therapy. Makes my stomach hurt just writing about it. We will work it out no way to predict it other than that.
I needed to work with a woman. It does not matter to me why.
It seems hard to find a good therapist no matter what stage of healing. Perhaps part of this is the right/left brain thing. I tend to express in pictures and concepts. I will think I am sharing clearly, and will be thinking a therapist perhaps understands, but if not understood at least honors me enough to accept my experience as real. Then a point will come where they do this odd summarization- which would be OK if they were doing it as asking a question, but instead tend to do it as an interpretation which has nothing to do with me. Then I realize they missed the whole thing. Then they react to who they think I am rather than who I really am, and then it is like I have just disappeared. Sometimes I have tried to clarify, but rarely has that been beneficial. It’s seen as argumentative or as “resistance.” So it is easier to just know when it is not a good match, and move on.
I have just stumbled onto your blog. I am a mental health therapist and I working with a DID client I believe will get a lot out of your writings. She’s spectacular, and your therapist is right. No matter what we do as therapists, it’s your courage and determination to heal that does the healing. Thank you for your courage to post all of this. I do have a question, though. We’re still working on memories and haven’t started integrating yet, so she also has horrific nightmares every night (for many decades). Do you still have nightmares, even though you’re healed of the DID? I sure hope not. I would think that would be pretty discouraging.
Hi, Dragonfly.
Yes, I still struggle with nightmares, but they are not as bad as they used to be.
Example of a nightmare before therapy:
+++ triggers +++
My mother takes the adult me into a church, removes all of my clothes, lays me on my back spread eagle, and takes a razor to each of my limbs. The church is filled with people milling about who don’t even notice. I scream and scream, but no sound comes out. Nobody notices.
+++ end triggers +++
That’s what dreams were like for me on a regular basis pre-therapy.
After therapy, they tend to be intense without being that intense. They tend to track what I am healing emotionally. For example, I had a recurring dream that my son (who represents my inner child) is in peril, and I cannot save him. (He might jump from a great height or into a vat of burning oil.) However, he gets up and is just fine … completely unscathed. The dream would cause me to awaken in a cold sweat, but it was actually a positive dream telling me that my inner child is OK.
I never dream of rainbows or bunnies, but I do have dreams processing my day-to-day life now, and I don’t often have flashback kinds of dreams any long. So, it gets better, but I doubt I’ll ever have “normal” dreams.
- Faith