I still have a few more days of my crazy schedule to go, but I need to blog to get a few things out…
First, today is the first day of Fall, which means that it is the Fall equinox. Anyone who suffered from ritual abuse might be feeling “off” today or have been feeling “off” all week. That has certainly been true for me. I have been grateful to be so compulsively busy so I can escape from the anxiety and depression “geyser” going in my head. I know this is “normal” for me, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Staying busy distracts me from it.
My momster is in ICU right now for very high blood pressure. My sister called me last night to tell me. Momster had very high blockages in both legs back in 2003. She had surgery for the first one and decided not to have the second surgery. She decided the “Lord” would heal her, so the surgery wasn’t necessary. I suspect the two are connected, but I am not a doctor.
Instead of calling my sister (who underreacts) and “worrying” her, she called her twin sister, who get hysterical over everything. So, my sister got a much more “shrill” version of what was going on when our aunt called her about it. My sister talked to momster at the hospital by phone (they don’t live in the same city), and momster seems pretty clueless about the severity of her condition. That’s typical of her – it’s all about denial.
Then there are my recurring dreams. I won’t call them nightmares because I think they are just a true reflection of how I am feeling. Very clearly, a part of me wants to make a big change in my life – a change the rest of me is not ready to make. If I didn’t have a young child, making such a big change would be easier, but I have to factor in the effects of any big change on my kid, and I am not ready to do that to my 10-year-old child. Apparently this is something that a part of my still “dreams” about, though.
I am heading back to my hometown next weekend for what was supposed to be my 25th high school reunion. The reunion committee botched it up, so I am now just getting together with the four people I still (sort of) keep up with from high school so we can have a 25-year high school anniversary dinner. I always get reflective before I return to my hometown. (This is not the city where the abuse happened – this is a city 30 miles away from there where we moved when I was 11.) I am hoping to see my grandmother one last time (she has failing health, and I only make this trip once every couple of years), but she has been declining visitors, so I don’t know if I will get to see her or not.
These are all just random pieces of what’s going on with me right now – stuff swirling around in my head. Thankfully, I have too much work to do today to think about any of this too much. The money I am earning will pay for a fun trip for my son and me in January, so I have that to look forward to. I always need something fun to look forward to in order to survive the holidays.
Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney
I have something you might try to help a tad with the fall. Just know where the sun is. A reptilian brains thing.
Knowing where the sun is, for me, is part of what makes fall so hard. It tells me that it is that time of year again. Fall is such a beautiful season – I hope to one day enjoy this time of year.
Lynn
So sorry I should have been clearer. I was attempting to be brief.
For me it is my reptilian brains that tell me there is danger now not cognitively knowledge.
Without words and just being aware of where the sun is through out the day seems to start “reseting my brain to the now which seems to help with the processing.
Michael,
Thank you for the explanation!!! I get it now. I never thought of looking at it from that point of view. This could be a helpful in redirecting my brain. I begin most all of my memories from the perspective of where the sun is or isn’t. I have no idea why. So the sun is always an issue for me. I really appreciate the tip. You share many things that are very helpful, so again, that you for your consistent input.
You may be onto something for me too there, Faith. I always struggle this time of year and feel my defenses are being attacked.
In relation to the possible big change in your life, if you are having positive dreams, then hold on to them…
I just don’t know how you maintain any kind of involvement in your ‘momster’s’ life after what she did to you. That’s not a judgement on you, I respect your choices of course but if it were me I wouldn’t want to hear a thing more about her life ever again, even second or third hand.
Take care.
Hi, Ax.
I want to know if momster is alive or dead. I am not sure how I will react when she dies, but I know I will react.
- Faith
I will be praying for you Faith!
I know this is a hard time for you and many others… i hope everyone sails through it this year. That somehow you all find some thing or some way to make it ok, or at least tolerable.
Peace,
mia
I didn’t even think to wonder if change of season was affecting me. I have been definitely off to say the least but there is some situational stuff happening too. I understood about what you said about your son and change. I have been struggling with making choices, but got right down to making the best choice for him. I feel sad a bit, but know in my heart of hearts I did the right thing. Thanks for being real.
Hey, Faith,
Staying busy is one of my go-to tactics when external things are building up (when all else fails, scrub?). One thing I have found, though, is that sometimes, but not always, when the busyness is over, I can have what I was putting off come rushing back in to fill the void.
I hope that when your busyness fades, the time of year will have moved you past some of the unease, and you will feel lightened.
Just thought I’d caution that sometimes… well, things are postponed by busyness rather than skipped, if that makes sense.
Hope you have a great final push in the crazy busy schedule and a peace-filled and fun trip.
Hi Faith
I am sorry about your situation. This journey of healing takes us too many places we would rather not go. I so appreciate your commitment to your healing, and how you always work to make lemonade out of the lemons you are handed. I will be praying for you that ultimately, if this situation turns into something serious, that the process will bring back to you another piece of yourself.
To me it seems that abusers steal from us who we are internally and externally so that in the end, not much is left. Then the healing process steps in and begins to give back to us who we are both internally and externally one piece at a time – much like a puzzle.
In my mind I like to picture my struggle from the viewpoint of putting a puzzle together. I am learning to accept the puzzle piece I am handed and work through that part of my healing better because of your blog. I am thankful for your blog on a daily basis. Thank you for today
Thanks so much for that last comment on your blog post….the one about needing to have something fun to look forward to.
I realized when I read that, that I am missing that piece right now in my life. Chaos, anger, hurt, suicidal thoughts, shame……and the list goes on of the things that have been swirling in my mind for so long now.
I will try and plan something fun to look forward to in order to give myself some balance and to help myself stay more present.
Of course, when the depression is raging, it is difficult to view ANYTHING as fun so I may have to just plan something I’ve done before that I know somewhere inside of me I like and move toward that.
savannah