The Law School Admissions Test (LSAT) is on Saturday, and I have been slammed with more tutoring requests for Wednesday and Thursday. I want to pound out at least one blog this week, so here goes…
One of the harder issues for me to deal with after child abuse is marital issues, specifically dysfunctional marital issues. As my therapist has pointed out to me, I had nobody modeling or telling me what to look for in a spouse when I made a decision about who to marry.
I grew up in an abusive household, and my parents’ marriage was completely dysfunctional. They led separate lives – my father worked and/or traveled for work all the time, and my mother was obsessed with her version of religion. (My father was an atheist.) My sister and I grew up in two different families – the version when my father was actually home and the version when he was gone. He was mostly gone during my teen years up until his death.
I was raped in college, so I latched onto a boyfriend to protect me. I then transferred colleges, where I was raped again and then latched onto another boyfriend to protect me. The only requirements I had for boyfriends was that they didn’t rape me and seemed interested in me. That’s pretty much it.
I met hub in law school, my next stop at a school. We started dating a month into school, and I was never raped there. He was very mature/responsible compared to our peers, and he was the most predictable person on the planet. After a lifetime of having to be hypervigilant about what was coming next, this predictability was a relief. We married straight out of school despite the fact that we had next to nothing in common other than a law degree. Marrying him kept me from having to move back in with momster since I couldn’t find a job.
Now, my conscious reasons for marrying hub were not this calculated. I did love him. In fact, my host personality was absolutely crazy about him. Other parts of myself – parts of which I was unaware at the time – tolerated him as a means to safety. Hub never, ever pressured me for sex. He completely respected that I was not interested in intercourse until marriage, and we were together over 2-1/2 years before we married. So, he definitely has some good qualities about him.
Here’s the problem – I am no longer an abused little girl willing to make any sacrifice to stay safe. Our relationship was built upon me doing whatever he wanted, however he wanted, with no objections because I wanted him to stay and keep me safe. The one exception (which came as a shock to him) was my insistence that we have a baby and, when that didn’t work biologically, that we adopt a baby. Other than that, for well over a decade, I was a Stepford wife, always giving him his way in every area other than in becoming a parent.
More tomorrow…
Recovering from childhood sexual abuse while staying married has been a major challenge for me–a major source of support, but also a major challenge. I also married years before I was ready to acknowledge any abuse. I think it’s always complicated how relationships change as the individuals in them change over time, but the massive, seismic changes of healing from major abuse are in a special category of their own.
“Here’s the problem – I am no longer an abused little girl willing to make any sacrifice to stay safe. Our relationship was built upon me doing whatever he wanted, however he wanted, with no objections because I wanted him to stay and keep me safe. “
This is a tough subject. I married for the same reasons, and because it was my parents wish. In situations like this, I am reminded of Newton’s 3rd law – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I see this in my marriage as well – each extreme being dysfunctional.
In my marriage my focus was on keeping everything peaceful and safe no matter what the cost. This is one end of the pendulum swing – the action. Once I was unwilling to base the relationship on that premise, the pendulum swung the other way – the equal and opposite reaction. My will is now starting to settle down somewhere in the middle. My husband and I are finally starting to have developed a real relationship.
It has been a very long journey for us. I think it may be harder for men to deal with their issues than women. We women seem to come by some of this naturally. Men have to also face the pressure in our society of being that night in shining armor. As I have matured in my understanding of my own situation, and then, to some extent, understanding my husband’s situation, I have begun to respond to him differently. I am no longer trying to fix the situation or desert it.
Faith posted a video by Brene Brown this summer. I began reading her writings and watching her videos. I was really curious about emotions and feelings, and how they worked. She was giving me the understanding I needed. She talks about relationships being a place of connection, and how this connection works. This stuff was so new to me. I was so disconnected from my feeling and emotions. My relationships were so shallow and distant. I am now working to put these pieces back together.
As I began to work on change, my relationship to my husband began to change. At first it was positive, but then it began to get difficult. I then realized that my husband was now starting to work through some of his own issues. Seeing my change, I think my husband felt safe enough to start his own change. This is where we are now – amidst a lot of change. It takes a lot of patience for both of us. We are learning how to be friends and then lovers. We are very clumsy with our attempt to connect.
Our faith plays into our relationship a great deal too. I have come to understand that this area has also been affected by my dysfunction. I have been working on this for the past year. I am now starting to feel some hope at the age of 52. I have been so encourage as I have read of the courage of so many on this blog as they journey towards healing. It is such an amazing journey as I see such beauty come from such darkness Thank you all for sharing.
Faith,
I feel like a Stepford husband. 20 years of a dysfunctional
wife, trying to be the best husband I could, having female
relatives beg me to teach their husbands to be the kind of
husband I was to my wife, and yet never being “good” enough for
my wife. At least now that I know she has D.I.D. I have an
explanation for her lack of reciprocity (and original hatred by
her defender, though that really hurt when I had tried so
hard…)and it also gave me the knowledge I needed to help her
heal.
I’m still being a Stepford guy, but now it’s purposefully to 5
little girls and my first girl with their healing in mind. And
they are healing…if I can keep it together. As a Christian I’m
sure you understand the quandry. I love my wife, but she is NOT
taking care of my needs. Sooooooo…I follow Christ’s command to
give myself (Ephe.5:25ff.) up for her even if it means my death
like it meant Christ’s. Sometimes I think that could literally
happen as I try to juggle the needs of 6 desperately needy girls
and help direct their healing without being manipulative or
pushy as my needs scream for relief in my head. Sigh.
Blessings.
Sam
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(sigh) How well we know the thing … and yet don’t know it. Marriage and relationships and stuff….
With our wife we did the predictable (As told in “The Fortress” about military brats) and married someone who was ‘grounded’ and had local roots (whereas we had none). Our primary personality (primary host – one of our “2-1/2 men) – fell in love with the kids and the girl; BUT . . .
Lets see: that 1/2 host (our primary “Mikie”, young one) … loves ‘her’ as his ‘mom’ in some ways . . .
But our primary host (2ndary, Matthew – and what Sam would call our “Defender”) … well, he goes from merely tolerant to downright hating. (He has a woman problem; generally hates them all as well.) Comes from what our mother does. Did. Whatever. But he hates them and wishes (very strongly!) for a ‘man friend’ (including the sexuality side of it). Being bisexual we can care . . . but having married our wife he and I agreed: having sex with men (or ‘boys’, meaning young men) is strictly ‘off-limits’. However, it’s been a rough row to hoe, both for me and for ‘him’ (meaning Matthew).
This has reflected in a certain coolness at times with our wife – or ‘us’ going on ‘rages’ outside (when she’s not home) cussing her and throwing things (mostly gardening tools) outside. But then . . . ‘we’ calm down (or try to get Matt calm – usually it’s about her misplacing things) – and go along . . .
We’ve never ‘fought’, my wife and I: no screaming disagreements, shouts and fists a-flyin’. But we have had our moments. (Like I tell folks: When I want a week of peace and quiet, I just piss her off.) We can’t – and won’t – scream at a person we love. Hurts us too much . . .
and Matthew sort of loves her . . . if only for the things she’s done. Like taking us in and all when she didn’t have to . . . staying by us through thick and thin . . . sad and hard and difficult at the same time, but love in there . . . (we’re thinking of Matthew; he’s hiding and crying at the same time) . . .
and such goes the life of a DID ‘patient’ . . . we are loving and kind with each other ‘inside’ . . . but it ain’t an always easy situation . . .
kinda like family and friends . . .
[...] Dealing with Marital Issues after Child Abuse [...]