Yesterday, I shared the history of my marriage. Today, I am going to talk about what it is like today.
In 2003, I started having flashbacks and entered into therapy. It has been a long and painful process that has unlocked my capacity to enjoy and savor life. Sadly, hub has not come along this healing journey with me, even though I did invite him into it twice. Hub married such as messed up woman for a reason – he has his own issues. To have chosen someone as messed up as I was gives you an indication of the level of his own baggage.
Hub does not want to deal with his own stuff. He wants to stay in denial with me playing the role I played for so many years. Our dynamic was this – He would be miserable unless his environment was completely predictable in the way that he wanted it, and it was my job to shelter him as much as possible from the unpredictability of life. His mother did this for him as a kid, and I took over as his wife. Above all else, hub was not to be inconvenienced. Life must go as he expects it to go, and it was my job to mitigate any circumstance in which it did not.
I’m done playing this role, and hub cannot handle the “messiness” of life without me shielding him from it. Also, his biggest trigger is money, and the stock market and economy are things I cannot control even if I wanted to. That has kicked off depression in him (his mother suffered from depression, so there is likely a strong genetic component involved) that has been getting worse and worse. He is disengaging from life, including my son and me, more and more.
Meanwhile, I am in a place where I am ready to embrace life. I have worked very hard to reach a place where I can experience my emotions, and I am working toward staying more and more present. I am married to a man who is becoming more and more absent, sleeping 12 hours a day and living in his head or working when he is awake. This is not a good combination.
Most of the stories I read, whether they are in books or personally shared online on a message board, etc., tell of couples splitting up after one person heals from child abuse. That used to stress me out and depress me. I have endured enough loss in my life – I didn’t want marriage to be added to the list of losses. Also, I meant my wedding vows, and I also have a 10-year-old child who I don’t want to have to bounce back and forth between two homes.
However, the question becomes how does a marriage stay afloat when one person is reaching out and embracing life while the other person is shutting down and fleeing life? How do you keep a partnership going when you have grown so different? I have no answer to these questions.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Faith-
I can really relate to what you are talking about here. I have recently split up, though we are in some kind of limbo together.
I, too have read about relationships crashing after/when healing from abuse. It makes sense. Unless the partner is willing to change the “deal”- the roles from when both entered the relationship- it is impossible to continue. In our case, I have been the caretaker and diplomat and organizer (and yes, he has kept me safe). Unless I take care of everyday life and feel responsible for both our lives, the man crashes and his life isn´t functioning anymore. And it is “up to me” to fix it.
My history from severe sexual and emotional abuse has programmed me into fixing and avoiding conflicts. At any cost. At the cost of me and my own life. As long as people around me are happy and satisfied they can cross any of my boundaries. Except- that isn´t true anymore. Ergo- major relationship issues.
I wish you and your Hub will find a way to a functional and equal relationship. Together or apart.
Love and light,
B
What do you want Faith? I hope you get it.
Peace,
m
My husband left me after my issues surfaced, (my issues surfaced right about when we got engaged). We stayed in a 7-year extremely dysfunctional marriage (with many affairs) and then he divorced me. Thank you, though, Faith, for making me realize it wasn’t all me (from the comment in your blog about his own issues). I’ve now been in a 11 year relationship with a man who has repeatedly, and consistently, cheated on me and lied to me. The best part, however, is that I’ve grown up, and I realize it’s not me anymore. And, that, to me is a great step towards my recovery.
Faith,
I was married for 6 years before I had full recollection of all my abuse. My ex had depression and it has escalated to what my son (no 18) describes as almost manic-depressive episodes. Our marriage failed because we were too young, and he refused to get help. Luckily now he is at least getting meds but no counseling. He doesn’t like the messy thins either. Like dealing with problems, or emotions.
For the 8 years after my divorce, I spent a lot of it in bad relationships (one for 6 years, and drunk. Looking back, I know that the memories were trying to come out but being drunk numbed me out. Then being busy at work kept them at bay. Then I met a super guy, eventually quit going out when my son was away, you would think that would be a good thing. But the memories had a sober person to creep into.
In trying to talk to my family, they all know what happened, but say that it was so long ago that “I need to get over it” “quit bringing it up”. The problem is that I got hurt badly at work and now my emotions run rampant and I’m virtually unemployable at this point.
With no family support at all, my bio father passed away before knowing any of this, they kept him a secret from me for 37 years (another selfish act on my mothers part) all I have is my boyfriend. He has been super. But to start out dating a singular very self sufficient woman, and now have this nearly helpless woman battling alters, I love him even more for standing with me to fight my way back to happiness.
I am glad you found yours. I know you will make the right decision. Children do survive, they are resilient and I’m certainly not telling you what to do, but a happy, healthy home with one parent is always better than 2 people miserable together.
Love Lynne. Thanks again for all you do.
Sending prayers your way Faith.
My husband and I seem to be one of the only ones I know who are bucking the trend you are talking about. And I can’t say that it’s been without struggle – far far from it. But after 14 years we’ve both reached a place where we know we’re in it for the long haul, and have learned how to overcome our (more accurately my) knee-jerk reactions to want to leave as a response to adversity.
I don’t want to project anything here, so it’s important for me to point out that the following is just my experience – no inference to your situation except the few things in common I’ll point out below.
Like you and your hub we both had levels of dysfunction in our past that was part of how we ‘found’ each other. And my husband is also a nice guy, but with some issues that he needed (and needs) to work out. But one thing that I think is very important: even though my past was horrific I picked a decent guy to marry. (As, it sounds, did you.) Sure he has some issues, but I’ve been studying successful couples lately and they ALL have issues. No such thing as a perfect couple – only the image, and that’s often in extremely dysfunctional couples. For instance, Colonel Russell Williams and his wife were thought to have the perfect marriage and be deeply in love. Successful, normal marriages have bumps: lots and lots and lots of bumps.
Lately, as I’ve been trying to speak about my story, I’m getting questioned about my husband, and for some reason (perhaps this always happened but I never noticed it before) people are openly and strongly remarking how unusual it is that I didn’t hook up with a monster/abuser/alcoholic/etc… And I’m starting to get the message that this is pretty unusual, and a sign of just how well I’m doing – that there is a healthy core there reflected in the fact that a decent guy and I chose each other.
Mind you, my husband (even though it was initially like pulling teeth – and wisdom teeth at that, not your ordinary molar) was resistant to working on his ‘stuff’, but is now strongly willing to work together to better ourselves individually as well as our relationship. Also, I now have sympathy for the fact that it’s *very* hard for the average guy to do that – we don’t actually give them many places or incentive in our society to do so, particularly not in ways that are sensitive to ‘male culture’. I had to learn how to be sensitive to his ways and needs, and to fight in a way that brought us together rather than tore us apart. And to lovingly and firmly push back when he fought in a way that separated rather than strengthened us. We’ve both had to learn how to fight fair.
The book I linked to some time ago – “Back from the Brink” – really helped me to understand just how much of a load my issues put on our relationship, and to have some compassion for what my husband had unknowingly signed up for in his relationship with a person with so much ‘stuff’. And to in turn acknowledge how much of a load his stuff put on it as well. But at some point we both had to get over complaining about it, acknowledge that we want to be in the relationship despite that, and finally roll up our sleeves and get to work together. And that is what has seemed to make all the difference.
Somewhere in there he had to open up enough to say that my constantly threatening to leave hit his core. Even though I genuinely *did* want to leave I finally acknowledged that my ‘set point’ for considering leaving was way way too sensitive for my own good, and not healthy. One of the key things I finally learned was that old chestnut that “love is a verb” – meaning that love isn’t so much what you feel for the other person, but what you actually DO to, with and for the other person: the actions you take day to day in a relationship that tell the other person they’re loved. And that my ‘stuff’ didn’t give me license to have a largely one-way relationship – he has needs and wants that are as valid as mine that I needed to respect if *I* wanted to be in the relationship. And we both had to grow up enough to have adult conversations – particularly to let each other know that the actions the other was taking to show love weren’t wanted or needed. And we had to grow up enough to find out what the other person *actually* needed and do *that*.
One other critically important thing we both instinctually did: early on in the relationship we both actively distanced ourselved from influences that openly or insidiously weakened or attempted to separate us. I can’t emphasis this enough. Friends, family, co-workers: you name it. I’ve had really bad experiences with therapy encouraging me to avoid facing my hard truths. But the other thing I’m equally incensed about is that, in my experience, almost all of my therapy has been a not so subtle influence to expect perfection in others and walk away too early if it isn’t there; to criticize the faults of others without subjecting myself to the same standards. And to be (this is just my own experience here) especially and unfairly critical of men. Women get a lot of advice which too easily paints men as abusive, or neglectful, and gives them every encouragement to leave, without demanding that they likewise examine their own behaviour. Men, in turn, often go out for solace with drinking friends, etc.. who give them the standard “the b***ch is just out to take advantage of you – you don’t need this grief” line. Both of us now RUN from people with that type of advice. There is actually very little information or advice out there for either gender re: how to dig in and fight FOR your relationship – which means how to overcome adversity TOGETHER. So I had to actively search it out, and now we both search it out together. But we had to wade through a lot of relationship slop advice before we found any pearls of wisdom. Largely we had to make it up for ourselves.
So I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t consider leaving. Just giving a warning that in my experience there are a lot of voices out there that encourage leaving, but very few advising how to actually stick it out and work on things together *through* adversity, and how to accurately determine which is more appropriate.
Regardless, I hope your faith will give you the strength and patience to figure out what is best for you and your chosen family.
“But the other thing I’m equally incensed about is that, in my experience, almost all of my therapy has been a not so subtle influence to expect perfection in others and walk away too early if it isn’t there; to criticize the faults of others without subjecting myself to the same standards.”
Interesting you said this. I had that experience with two bad therapists as well, they told me all my relationships were so dysfunctional and focused on the other they were worthless. A much better therapist helped to see the genuine inadequacies and supported me in my own choices as to which deserved keeping.
Faith,
I have lived with a dysfunctional woman for 23 years, and in some ways I have a better relationship with her than anyone I know. If you have any interest, at the top of my blog I have the Bible study that I completed, that not only helped me get all I could out of a one sided marriage, but it was also the catalyst that drove her to start getting help for her issues. I’m not telling you it’s a magic cure or promising you that it WILL make your husband change, but it’s what brought us to where we are today.
Sam
I hope that your hubby comes around and can join you on your journey. A lot of times people do part ways after one person heals, but stranger things have happened. Maybe if the two of you met with a therapist (or your therapist) to talk a bit about how you feel (I told my hubby it was to help him deal wth me and help me to learn about healthy relationships.) Hope things work out soon
Faith,
maybe I should clarify. It was after Karen saw the change in ME because of that Bible study, that she decided she needed to get healed and become a better wife for me…
Sam
You can’t change anyone else except yourself, Faith, and I do believe that love means accepting and understanding the person as they are, without asking them to change anything.
My marriage started to end January 1 1993. When I was at a road race where you ran into the new year. I pretty.much had it made. A house on the lake and I was working only 4 days a week and golfing two of those days. My income was substantial and I would be debt free in a few months.
I said 1993 is the year for me. This was not a me and no one else rather the start of I might be important just as me. Looking back only my relationship with my children could survive this concept intact as they were all based on I just me was not important.
I did run that road race. My wife and family were at first night the next year. They managed to find some where else to be when I finished.
I won a cross country ski race the same year. There was no acknowledgment of this victory.
I entered psychoanalysis and told the therapist something is wrong and I want to find out what it is.
What was wrong was all about choices. The choices others made for me.
I got married and I got unmarried. When I make the time I am going to have an unmarried ceremony.
I like the way you think!
5 Stars to Birdfeeder … excellent points and writing. Marriage is tough. Marriage to a multiple / DID just makes it tougher. And as I pointed out to my wife: not only was I gaining a ‘family’ (she came with kids) – but SHE gained a ‘family’ of sorts as well. It’s just that we didn’t know that back then.
My wife and I have since struggled through thick and thin, and there’s been times when either one or the other of us was ready to throw in the towel. Plus “we” got a ‘member’ who hates our wife somewhat – and all other women besides (Matthew). He hates them. But he’s willing to get along with them … go figure. Makes for a ‘nightmare’ relationship with me (meaning “me” and my alter, Matthew, do not always get along) – however, we agreed there at the very beginning: we were going to get married to this woman, and stick with it and in it through thick and thin – and we have.
I don’t know why she sticks with me; love is almost an alien concept to ‘parts’ of me – very difficult to deal with. Some of them don’t ‘love’ at all – ever. But I know it’s been her dedication to ME which has shown us how much she loves ‘me’ (and/or ‘us’) – despite my shortcomings . . .
And as Birdfeeder pointed out: there are no ‘perfect people’ – and if they were, that very perfection would be an IMperfection – it would be the kind of person who drives you crazy(ier). My wife came with some serious issues (which neither she nor we fully realized at the time) – due to her background and former marriage; the abuse of her and her children. Despite Matthew’s ‘haranguing’ and sometimes anger and hatred of her – we stick together on this one. We are going to remain married . . . because she is such a wonderful woman to us, despite ourselves.
As for “treatment” and “men” … gee. You mean there are actually “resources” for abused / mucked up men??? Locally and physically EVERYTHING is geared towards women – from the safe houses for domestic battery victims (the guys get one night alone in a hotel room – minus the therapists, counselors, and ‘fellow survivors’ that those safe homes have – a real recipe for suicidal behavior – and lets the GUYS know just where they stand: outside in the cold, NOWHERE … and there’s nothing for them …).
Couple that with society’s (and men’s) attitudes towards men and mental health issues and you have …. well, again, a recipe for disaster. Out of 50 shrinks and therapists, only 5 would ‘accept’ my case (presented as “male abuse survivor”) … 1 had to bow out (friend of dad’s), 2nd disqualified due to religious reasons (his, not mine) … 3 and 4 screwed me over (#4 wanted me to leave my wife – and leave TOWN – just ‘escape’ she said, ‘go to California’). 5 was no deal.
Actually, there is no ‘help’ for men. They just lock them up from what I’ve seen. And according to my mom (a real man-hater) – we should all be lined up along the wall and shot (After being de-nutted, of course!) – but …
In marriage (and my wife and her patience – and tears sometimes for me) – I’ve found all the support I need (sometimes), though mostly I have to be my ‘own’ support system …. for there are no others…
But it’s a tough row to hoe for any couple. We’ve done 26 years; plan on doing more. And we found: that which threatened to drive us apart? In the end it has brought us ALL even closer together …. despite ourselves, and for ourselves . . . and for our love . . .
indeed.
Thank you for the compliments, jeffssong, and ditto right back at you.
Re: your point about “treatment” and “men” – what I said was severely understated – I completely agree with you. Once I woke up enough to start to see past my own hurt to try to figure out what was going on with my husband and my ex-husband as well (I should mention that I’ve been married/divorced before), and more importantly my brothers from whom I’ve been estranged (along with my mother) for almost 20 years, I began to realize that there is almost nowhere (at least nowhere healthy) for most men to go to deal with their problems resulting from abuse. In many places, perhaps most, there is *literally* nowhere for them to go. Tragically, most men are in fact ridiculed and shamed for not using the resources which are often abundantly available to women (but only women coming from the ‘man as abuser/woman as victim’ mindset) but which are in fact designed by their very mandate to cater specifically to some women’s needs, but not men’s, and not women abused by women.
I’m particularly aware of this because my most severe abuse has been at the hands of a woman (my mother), and I’m constantly being made aware that those services are no more for the likes of me than they are for the likes of you. Most of the women I know with trauma histories have been abused by both women AND men. So all those many many services are available to them, but they seem to be unaware that the price of admission to those services is to affirm that they were abused by one or more men, whilst simultaneously disregarding &/or downplaying the abuse they experienced at the hands of women, in order to further falsify the statistics which justify funding for those services. I know this because, having had more than enough abuse at the hands of men to qualify for those same services, I’ve ofttimes taken advantage of them because when the going gets really rough any support is better than none. But invariably, when I ‘fess up’ and say that the female perpetrated abuse I’ve experienced is far far worse, and that I need a place to heal that, there is ALWAYS blowback and punishment and ostracism for speaking my truth. I’ve finally come to a place where I’m no longer willing to compromise my own truth and integrity in order to access services which are clearly defined as not being for me or my situation.
Hmmm, I guess I’ve exposed the lie of what I wrote above: “any support is better than none” Because that support was only ever to deny my own lived reality.
But your points about being “a real recipe for suicidal behavior” and “They just lock them up from what I’ve seen” are particulary true and apt, and a burden that I, as a woman, largely don’t have to face. I finally realized over a year ago (with growing horror) that as much as I was victimized by my mother my younger brothers were in fact being groomed by her to be abusers of women (with me as bait), particularly the middle one. Not only were they also victims, they would in fact be both ridiculed and demonized if they ever tried to reach out for help. As would my father if he had attempted to do so when he was alive. So I think I may understand where “Matthew” is coming from, and I’m glad that both you and your wife have got his back by not feeding his hate.
So I want to commend you for slugging through this largely on your own and blazing your own path to truth and healing and a “life of good character”. And your wife for not leaving when the going got rough, and for sticking by and loving and supporting all of your parts – especially Matthew.
Bravo to both of you.
[...] spotted this post by Faith Allen on her blog recently, and have been enjoying the various comments that came pouring [...]
Jeffsong,
You are correct that males have obstacles to getting helpful treatment that females do not. Females have obstacles that males do not. You are correct that there are more programs for women.
I once took a call at Proctor II at McLean’s hospital the psychiatrist thought he had a wrong number as a male answered. This is a hospital with the reputation of being the leading hospital in the word for trauma. When my therapist once called McLean’s and I was in the room the person at McLean’s asked “is she with you now.”
It is possible, that is not to say you can do it, Different thing. It is not to say I could do it in your situation or even in the state you live in. A lot of luck is involved.
You may not know it but you are way ahead of the game by knowing you are dealing with childhood sexual abuse. You eliminated 45 out of 50 hacks right off the bat. Good effort!
This is in the advice column so take it or leave it. Try again this time saying you are looking for psychoanalysis and expressive therapy long term to deal with CPTSD.
I want to retract my use of the word hack. That was my anger at all the mental health professionals that assumed the reason I was not being helped was me and not that there methods were flawed.
Pretty much my therapists all thought I was doing well and liked working with me. It was they could not hear me when I said this is not working. They told me to just keep going and that this was the best I could hope for. Not helpful.
It will make the mental health field much stronger when they evolve to a professional level where there are different areas of expertise like all other professions.
same here. super furious about that too.
lots of therapist dont get that its a team-relationship.
Lets-synergise-both-our-ressources-to-work-on-solutions is far more effective than “Im an expert, let me help you”. Latter only kept me stuck. I now have someone who specialized in schema therapy and its truly empowering.
wanted to add: my T specialised in schema therapy which is designed to process trauma when struggling with personality disorders. She is the second therapist Im working with that I got to choose and I chose her precisely because I didnt want to see anymore blank stares when talking about having suffered abuse by a female. Somehow I knew how important it was to talk to someone who is familiar and aware of ALL kinds and the reality of abuse.
Sorry for straying from the topic but marriage is something Im not (yet) familiar with:)
Most people want to do good; therapists and shrinkido’s included. And they honestly believe they are helping you (or trying to help you) – because they are doing what they have read somewhere “this is what you, the shrink, should DO.” Never mind the advice might be wrong for this person and/or individual. Never mind that the patient doesn’t seem to be responding to ‘treatment’ – or responding in ways that don’t meet the normal patient profile. (See THIS – http://wp.me/p1t0dv-cn – for an example of THAT, LOL!)
But here’s the thing.
We do a lot of teaching – impromptu teaching to be sure – but we used this ‘skill’ or ‘trick’ when we were teaching folks professionally (meaning as a computer skills teacher in business and ‘other’, meaning some military ‘stuff’.) . . . .
If “they” (the students, or in this case, the patient) isn’t making some progress – it’s time for YOU to change YOUR way of teaching! Obviously they aren’t getting something – it’s time to change your ways and change your approach . . . and GET to something that is working . . . which we did, time after time.
Like we tell folks we are tutoring: “We customize our teaching to fit YOU, the student – NOT the other way around! If YOU’re not getting it – then WE are doing something wrong!” And we adjust our teaching to “fit” this student’s experience; presenting information in a way that they can relate to . . .
The same goes for psychology. They need to get out of those ruts in the sand they dug for those very same reasons: looking for a way to meet a person’s need – and get down and dirty with the client – ‘exploring’ them and ‘finding’ them and meeting their needs – if need be by listening to them and what they said (which sadly, so often, it seems they barely do – and if doing so, seem to miss some important words and take you drifting down the wrong track – all in the name of ‘professionalism” . . . that and a lack of an open mind, some arrogance besides (“I’ve went to college and you CAN’T know what you are going through! but I do because I’ve read a BOOK on the things” . . . . sighing.
A good therapist. Is there even one to be had????
(wandering off . . . looking around . . .)
is there a doctor in the house???
(appears not . . . so I’m leaving)
On my own again . . . and just grinning all the time.
See ya!
Sincerely,
Jeff & Crew
My apologies for straying even further from the topic.
@carolin4real, Thanks for mentioning the “blank stare”.
I can’t find anywhere except here, let alone therapy, where I don’t get that same blank stare. I’ve found places and therapists that SAY they’re sympathetic. But when it gets down to the details they can’t go there, and the reaction at that point is usually much worse (and more traumatizing to me) than the blank stare. I know I must be doing something wrong that I continually encounter this – but can’t for the life of me figure what I should be doing differently. Glad you were able to overcome this. Got any tips to share?
What I’m getting worked up about lately, and where I feel my anger rising and not sure what to do about that, is that in the places I go to for support – with people who know more than enough of my story to know better – I’m increasingly hearing the various and all-too-common phrases of ‘violence against women’, ‘male violence’, ‘patriarchy’, etc… used, with the requisite tones of righteous indignation and entitlement attached. And what I find bizarrely disconcerting, and can’t figure this out, is that I know the back stories of every single one of the women doing this – and they all have a history of extensive victimization/violence by women in there. And they’re doing this in front of the men who’re there for support.
They’re all seemingly nice, kind women. So can’t figure out where this is coming from. Is it just acting out from fear? Is it a result of having been brainwashed by the feminist groups they go to for help and they just can’t hear themselves? Is it just high levels of narcisissm where they can’t see anyone else’s pain other than their own? Is it a power move/status slap to those of us whose histories don’t give us membership in the ‘sisterhood’? Is it predatory testing? Just can’t work my mind around this.
But fwiw, it’s that very experience above which has helped me to sympathize with how difficult it is for men in general and my husband in particular. And that is one of the ingredients needed for a good marriage.
@birdfeeder,
sorry I have been reading only infrequently in the last weeks so I just noticed your reply! else Id have replied earlier.
as for tips: hmmm maybe emotional preparation? I guess my T almost had to bribe me into giving any details. she literally had to urge me to tell my traumas because I used to switch into a non-cooperating 5-year-old every time. I actually entered therapy with one part of me being determined to never disclose anything. I worked for over a year on embracing my resistance. so I guess she was kinda prepared for what was comingand since i knew that there was worse trauma out there than mine I figured she had already seen worse.
and I wouldnt look for a sympathetic one. not for a harsh one either but someone who can “hold the space” for you. someone who is committed to solutions and being present and who gets supervision him/herself.
but i also think there is trauma that is violent to such an extent that only few therapists can handle it professionally.
On this taboo on female abuse, I recurringly dont know whether to cry or to rage because I find it just so violating. This whole “male violence” BS is a BIG FAT LIE!! the reality is that abuse is done by people. and people happen to be male AND female. and I would like to very much shout it out into the world. and since I would like for it to be discussed a bit further I think I will send Faith an email and ask if she would like to adress it in a future post so we might also get her thoughts on this:)
Thanks Michael! We have copied your comment – and always take things as “advice” and/or “opinion” – and therefore never take offense. Just wish other people would always do the same, LOL! Would lead to a lot less fighting.
Faith – Good posting. We were thinking about it last night; today some. Why marriages / relationships sometimes fail when one or the other ‘heals’ or changes . . . all I can come up with is what I’ve heard some say:
“You aren’t the same person anymore …. not the person I married.”
Take this as a “viewpoint” – one of several (naturally – it’s that ol’ MPD kinda thing) – so please, no one take it personal.
Some couples grow up . . . and some couple grow apart. (shrug) That’s life. The trick is: being happy. You can’t be 100% responsible for your spouse’s feelings. They are partially responsible for their own – and how they act on them, and change their perceptions about “things” (whatever those events may be). Just as “we” are responsible for our own feelings (a good thing to remember, BTW – reminding my “inner folks”!) and how WE are going to react to things and events. Not always easy – but something you gotta bear in mind (or at least WE try to!) whenever we feel ourselves getting upset …. tho’ with us “DID” patients we gotta “go in” and love and comfort our inner souls, the one’s who have been ‘hurt’ by this thing – without letting their hurt turn US into Anger … which is a bad thing at any time. (for us, anyway. we don’t like it when we grow angry, we don’t like it at ALL. And it scares other folks.)
But nothing cuts closer to the bone than someone you love.
As we said in our book “The Boy” somewhere:
“The closer to the heart, the more dangerous it (is). . .” – which, in our teen days, was why we gave up feeling …. anything – and hating love most of all – really and truly hating it some (sighing again…)
Well, ya’ll have fun – and Faith? Our hearts and prayers are for you and your husband – for all we wish is happiness for all – sad for the obstacles in you two’s way . . . whatever those may be.
Peace, love, live, be happy
~ jeff & friends.
I have yet to read all the comments so I may be repeating something here. You asked, “How does a marriage stay afloat…?”
Every situation is different, but I personally have yet to meet anyone who has a perfect marriage and does not go through some very rocky areas. Commitment and fortitude, integrity to keeping your promises to one another.. when we say “for better or for worse,” none of us think of the ‘worse” at that time, but eventually, it shows its ugly head.
I have been through a lot in my own marriage, which did not have the greatest start. Tomorrow we will celebrate our 21st anniversary. I personally am glad my children still have their daddy. He has his faults and I have plenty of my own. I am thankful he is not abusive- that would be different.
I don’t lean very heavily on him for support through my healing, but I have other sources for that, and you helped me be okay with that in a different post.
One of my younger sisters at one time was thinking about divorce because she did not feel “connected” or “close” to her husband and she did not want to live her whole life that way.
But that is why we need to let “right” guide our lives and not our “feelings.” If we allow what we feel to guide us, we will make a mess of our lives. But if we allow what we know is right to guide us, we will end up with a life of good character and be a person others can look up to.
I am not saying this is the answer to your marital problems, those things should not be ignored in the process. Part of commitment and faithfulness is dealing with the hard places and working through them.
Hang in there. Keep growing. Pray for your marriage, that God would strengthen it.
I once read that one of the best things a mother can do for her children is to love their daddy. Our commitment and love for each other helps our children’s confidence and overall happiness.
I know that different circumstances do not always allow for this type of commitment- especially when abuse is involved. You cannot commit yourself to be destroyed by another human being.
We just have to weigh those things and do our best to do whats right.
“But if we allow what we know is right to guide us, we will end up with a life of good character”
This is so true – such an important point. Thank you for posting that.
I might just add that knowing what is right for us has to include our feelings – not our ‘in the moment’ emotional reactions but our ‘listening to our gut’ real feelings. One of the lovely (sarcasm here) products of abuse & its associated brainwashing is that we become convinced of the rightness of an abusers POV and accept that as THE ‘truth’. Particularly if they are skilled, everyone around them (and us) will reinforce that ‘truth’. At those times the only thing we have to help us is cognitive dissonance, but to recognize that we have to listen to our gut and give ourselves the time (and permission) to sit through the disquiet until we can discover the truth, and WHY something is or isn’t right.
Furthering your point about “loving their daddy (or mommy)”, re: our right to ask others to change: I think that if we love someone, and we see them engaging in behaviours that are bad for themselves and their family/community/etc… – behaviours that are working to separate them from natural mutual support systems – it is abusive/neglectful to *not* ask them to change (by that I mean asking them to change what they’re doing vs. who they fundamentally are.) I have a different perspective on that than the norm it would seem. It’s only the people who truly love me who are willing to risk enough to tell me (when appropriate): “I love you, but you were acting like an a**hole just then. I need to ask you to stop that. Is that really the kind of person you want to be?” Those are the people who I know will have my back when I need it, and have my interests at heart enough to not coddle or enable me into becoming less than I should be. And have enough courage and moral integrity, and respect and concern for me, to tell me the truth as they see it. Being in a healthy, mutually supportive family means that, for the most part, personal growth is a team sport.
Of course, if one of the members decides that they don’t really want to be in the team, your other point is critical: “You cannot commit yourself to be destroyed by another human being. We just have to weigh those things and do our best to do whats right.”
“We will end up with a life of good character”: that’s such a wonderful way to put it. Thank you.
Oh, I forgot to say my main point!
I wanted to wish you and your husband a very happy anniversary!
Oh, thank you! That was sweet. And you are so right when you said, “It’s only the people who truly love me who are willing to risk enough to tell me (when appropriate): “I love you, but you were acting like an a**hole just then. I need to ask you to stop that. Is that really the kind of person you want to be?” Those are the people who I know will have my back when I need it, and have my interests at heart enough to not coddle or enable me into becoming less than I should be. And have enough courage and moral integrity, and respect and concern for me, to tell me the truth as they see it.”
Those are the ones I end up having real trust in- of course when it is bathed in love and not just criticism. And to, it is so imperative to check in with your gut- that is survival! Thanks for clarifying that. I have to remember that myself.
heavenlyplaces,
I have been thinking about this statement of yours ever since I first read it: “But if we allow what we know is right to guide us, we will end up with a life of good character”.
Don’t know if you’ll ever get back to this thread, but I thought you might appreciate the following article: “Study: Ethical People More Satisfied With Life”
http://www.miller-mccune.com/culture/study-ethical-people-more-satisfied-with-life-36792/?utm_source=Newsletter186&utm_medium=email&utm_content=1108&utm_campaign=newsletters
thanks so much for what you give. my husband has actually become stronger since I got ill- i believe because he’s now fighting to get what your own husband wants to retain: not wanting things to change, of wanting his protector back. ( likely hanging around in a situation that wasn’t good for me was a large factor in my getting ill in the first place.)
When I’ve discussed with him the point that lots of relationships break down because of the profound changes in one individual from therapy, he *claims* he doesn’t mind, that whilst his preference is we stay together and has promised to change (so many times now with none..), his only concern is I stay alive. Interested in comments above about therapists’ suggestion of perfect relationships: my own have said not to discuss things with my husband- to save it for the ‘safe supportive’ environment they claim to provide, but still been happy for him to have to pick up the pieces of what they do.
So the dilemma will definitely be whether it’s OK to ‘reward’ someone who’s put up with so much with the one thing they were trying to avoid. I wish you luck, and thanks.
in some ways aren’t your roles just reversed? he stayed when you you “messed up” or in crisis most of the time, and now he seems to be in the same place. isn’t it only fair that you try to help him?
[...] for each comment posted, which was most of the emails. I noticed that I had a ton of comments on my marriage blog entry, so I thought I would give you an [...]
[...] Marital Issues after Healing from Child Abuse [...]
[...] my blog entry entitled Marital Issues after Healing from Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: in some ways aren’t your roles just reversed? he stayed [...]
I just want to say that I can relate to these posts. I’ve been having similar experiences in my own marriage over the past two years (since starting therapy). One of the hardest things about it has been the sense that I am in it alone. My husband sees this as “my thing,” not his. It’s frustrating and it’s lonely. To go through such a life-changing experience while my husband stands by and does pretty much nothing – essentially pretends not to notice – is pretty heartbreaking. His argument is that he simply does not understand how I feel. He acknowledges that I was abused and that it had lasting impacts, but emotionally, he doesn’t offer much of anything in this area. I am making this journey alone. It’s hard.
Hi, StationaryRunner.
Yes, that dynamic is hard. Been there, done that.
I think my hub is afraid to engage emotionally due to his own childhood issues (not abuse — He was raised by a depressed and emotionally unstable mother). I think that is part of why he married me — I was not interested in emotional connection, either. I am the one who “changed the rules” when I started healing.
I reached out to my therapist, friends, and Isurvive (http://www.isurvive.org.uk/) for support throughout the healing process. Hub could not be my “go to” person for support. It didn’t have to end the marriage, though. I had to focus on “fixing” me before I was ready to “fix” us.
Now that I have completed an enormous amount of healing work, some of my focus is on “fixing” us. I wouldn’t try to do both at the same time.
- Faith
Hi Stationary Runner,
There are two of us husbands on wordpress (that I’m aware of) who are actively involved in helping our wives heal. I realize many husbands don’t care to help (don’t understand that) but perhaps your husband just wouldn’t know where to begin. My blog is about helping my wife heal and so is Ben’s (Loving Someone with DID). As I discuss in one entry, it’s truly in a husband’s BEST interest to help his wife heal.
Sam
[...] my blog entry entitled Marital Issues after Healing from Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: On this taboo on female abuse, I recurringly dont know [...]