I have not been back to my hometown (where the child abuse happened) in a couple of years. I have a lot to process after this trip. I am not sure how much I will blog about and how much I will do privately, but I want to get out at least a few things in today’s blog.
Let’s start with the good stuff – I could tell in the moment how much I have grown. Typically, before I make a visit to my hometown, I am triggered and “off” for weeks beforehand. That did not happen this time. This is probably due in part to how busy I was with one of my part-time jobs. (Blessedly, I get a break from that now!) However, I don’t think that is the only reason. Even in times when I was driving or otherwise not engaging my mind with work, I wasn’t triggered or fretting about visiting my hometown. I think this shows a lot of growth. Finally – I am seeing a payoff on this!
I don’t recall being triggered while I was there. I had a few times where I thought, “We are crossing the state line. This is where I typically see things around me ‘darken.’” But that didn’t happen. I actually noticed fewer “anxiety geysers” while I was there than I had in my day-to-day life at home. Another positive step forward.
I was also able in the moment to recognize my growth in many areas and not feel badly about it. Let me explain what I mean by that … While growth is a great thing, it also comes with loss. The more I grow, the more the relationships around me are affected. The healthier I become, the more I become the “odd man out” whenever I interact with dysfunctional people. This includes family (father’s side, not momster’s side) and some of my friends from high school.
Being the “odd man out” was always a “bad” thing when I was a kid, and even as an adult, feeling “different” would trigger feelings of shame. I felt no shame on this trip even though I frequently did feel like the “odd man out.” Instead, I felt grateful to recognize that I am no longer in that painful place.
Here’s one example – My high school friends and I had a huge dinner, and then they wanted to go back to the hotel room, drink margaritas, and snack. As I have shared previously, I have given up drinking alcohol (at least for now) because I didn’t like how it made me feel. I have already spent most of my life being dissociated – I want to stay present. I have also shared that I used to binge eat as a coping mechanism, always needing access to food.
Watching them get drunk and stuff their faces after we just ate a huge meal made a big impression on me. I saw where I used to be. I was thinking, “How could they possibly be hungry after that big meal?,” but I already knew the answer because I was once like that. The eating was not about nourishment. I wasn’t being judgmental of them – I was just noticing how far I have come.
More tomorrow…
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
How hopeful and alive and filled with possibilities….!
That’s wonderful, Faith.
I especially liked what you said about recognizing your growth in the moment, and not feeling badly about it: particularly not feeling shame even when you were the ‘odd man out’.
Congratulations!
Good Effort!
Thank you for sharing that Faith. Especially that there is no reason to feel shame for having done the work necessary for growth. I tend to forget that frequently.
Congratulations Faith! How gratifying it must have been to feel the grounding and benefit of all your progress.
I think the feelings of being odd man out when we are younger is partly part of growing up, but when abuse is going on, I think it’s important to feel part of some kind of group… to fit in someplace, even if it’s by being a misfit.
So great that you are able to really choose what groups if any you want to be part of and to what extent. This is a very empowering and inspiring post.
Peace,
mia
Great that you can see how much you’ve grown and how far you’ve come. I also appreciated the part where you were noticing your friends’ behaviours without judging…very hard to do I would think.
i need help i found you before and i have been dealing with DID
i have a therapist, and we intergrated one of the alters. this has only been about 3-4 weeks
i feel like it is comping apart.
when triggered she was back in full throttle.
what happened please respond i don’t know who else to talk to
Congratulations on your progress, Faith! I understand what you mean about feeling like the odd one out among other dysfunctional people. It’s hard, and weird, to be the only one who’s changing their life.
Actually, I have a question for you on another subject. It’s off-topic from the post. I hope you don’t mind.
I remember very few things from my childhood, and what things I do remember were painful for me but still entirely socially acceptable. The reaction I usually get upon talking about it is something like, “So what?” But I’m getting the recurring feeling that something in my life just isn’t adding up–like I don’t make sense to myself–and I think I need to explore it. So I’m considering going over to Isurvive and doing so there. Do you think that environment would be a good one for me to do that?
thats brilliant, you should feel nothing but pride after all the progress youve made!
proud thoughts,
Alice
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