My sister and nephews are coming into town today, and they will be here for week. That is one reason that I will be blogging sporadically. This is the only time of year they visit, so my son and I want to spend lots of time with them.
Before I can blow off everything else that needs to be done at home, I have had to work extra hard to get it finished before they arrive. This includes paying bills, cleaning the house, and doing the myriad other things that need to be done in any household. Basically, my situation isn’t much different than what is going on in thousands, or even millions, of households across the country as Christmas approaches.
My son’s Winter Break started yesterday, so I involved him in the housecleaning. I paid him to clean the house with me for two hours, and we worked very hard. After we finished sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, etc., we both dropped into my bed exhausted. I fell asleep while we were watching a TV show, and I slept like the dead.
I think I have been running on adrenaline for several weeks now. I got through a day that is typically difficult for me without any problems. In fact, I had a very pleasant day, which is unusual for me. I think I am reaping the benefits of “being with” the pain of the last cluster of memories. I am usually feeling hostile toward Christmas by now. Instead, I am at peace with it. I am not giddy and “into” Christmas, but the hostility is gone.
Back to yesterday … My son woke me after an hour, and my body didn’t want to cooperate as I cooked dinner. I felt like I was walking through water. Every movement was physically difficult to do.
I laid down in my bed at 8:00 p.m. to watch TV. My son came in my room at 8:20 to be tucked in, and he asked me to go downstairs to get him some water. I simply could not move. It wasn’t just that I didn’t want to get up – I couldn’t get up. My son thought it was a game and tried to “force” me up by pulling off the covers, taking my pillows, etc. I actually fell asleep in an uncomfortable position. I could hear him calling the dogs to his room, etc., but my body would not move. It’s like I was trapped in a comatose body. I was aware of my body’s deep breathing, but I couldn’t move.
I eventually forced myself to get up (after about 30 minutes) to blow out the candle and turn off the light. I slept for four hours, got up to use the bathroom, and then slept for another solid six hours, all with no medications to help me sleep. I have still felt trapped in that “walking in water” state today and feel like I could sleep all day. (I have two ADHD children running around the house – my son and his friend – so napping is not an option.)
I think my body is trying to recuperate from so many nights of insomnia. I also think I was getting by on adrenaline, and now that it has stopped, I am left with an exhausted body. Let’s just say I am actually feeling my age!
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Perhaps you are learning to experience sleep? Perhaps it is not unrelated to your playing the piano?
I Have a theory. A PTSD body does not reset to rested in the same way as a non-PTSD body. I would contend that the obesity issue in the US is about not being rested and that getting up to go to school when the body knows better to meet the adult wants as far as teachers schedule goes is a huge part of this.
Using a scale of 0 to 100 where 0 is perfect sleep and 100 is being kept awake as a form of torture the PTSD brain develops to deal with the environmental that it has experienced. Not is experiencing. The reptilian brain without having processed the trauma will develop for a worst case scenario. and stay there always on the ready for what ever trauma it has experienced.
So though out the life time of the person with PTSD the baseline of rested does change. It just never goes back past what is processed.
Using numbers a babies reptilian brain traumatized at birth or in the womb might say start at 50. And a “normal” birth and care afterwards might go to say 5. Though out a life of trauma the reptilian brain does reset. A “normal: life with out trauma that is outside the norm might be say 25. It might have gone up to say 50 and back down to 25. It will not go back to 5.
There is the age thing. That both the PTSD body and the non-PTSD body. have to deal with., It is different for both bodies.
Anyway. The work of therapy for me could be seen as learning how to experience sleep. And many of my experiences are me experiencing conscious what should be experienced in sleep. Most people do not have this experience.
“There are no experiences so unique that a person can not make up an incorrect explanation and find an expert that agrees.” Michael Smile
Right now I am processing the first 3 1/2 years of my life which we pretty much alone in a dark closet to be brought to to be abused by the programmers or to pretend everything was normal with my family. I need a lot of sleep. It is hard as in a real way it feel like when I spent most of my time in that closet.
i hope you recoop in time for their visit, you deserve to have a nice holiday x x
Yay for sleeping. What you described about walking through water and feeling heavy is how I feel most mornings upon waking. It’s a real struggle to get up, especially in winter.
I am happy for you that you got some sleep and that your sis is visiting.
peace,
m
Oi! Just reading about the sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting etc..wore ME out!
Hope your sis and nephews are the laid-back sort of folks that if you want to nod off and take a nap while they are there, it wouldn’t be a big deal.
(The difference between feeling you have to “entertain” every minute of the day vs. just “being yourself”.)
Hope its a restful, peaceful and enjoyable holiday visit all the way around ~
This sounds like how I felt during my last couple weeks of school. I took a full course-load of all writing intensive classes, and wound up writing 18 papers in 10 weeks. And on top of that, I’m a night person, but all my classes were in the morning.
I literally had nights were I would write papers until 6 am, shower & get ready for classes until I went to bed at 7 am, and only slept until 8 am. Then I woke up, went to class until noon, came back, and slept until 6:30 pm. After that I’d wake up, do my reading, eat, work on a paper, until 6am. For all intensive purposes, I was nocturnal.
People started lecturing me on how I was going to die in 15 years of a heart-attack due to lack of sleep. My friends made a list of “tired Creagan quotes” because apparently I kind of act like I’m slightly drunk when I’m tired. I literally do not remember writing some of the papers I turned in. According to my roommate, I started shutting off my alarm in my sleep and hiding under the covers when it was time for me to wake up. I had to set four alarms on my phone by the end of finals.
I’d say that you are mentally, and physically exhausted, and your body is trying to express that to you. Try to get more sleep if you can.
“I think I have been running on adrenaline for several weeks now.”
As a former Marine, I can tell you *that* is enough to cause the symptoms you describe: the lethargy, the “don’t give a darn”, can’t get up and can’t lay down sort of stuff, and also contributes towards insomnia, bing eats, and all other sorts of dysfunction. Also can lead towards major apathy and irritability, and other issues as this ‘one’ issue causes other issues, some of them physical. At least it does for us.
We’ve found not caring too much about other people’s cares and concerns; not caring what they think of us -whether or not there is some dust in the corner, and whether or not all the Xmas decor is hung – just doing “for ourselves” – helps *some*. The SOCIAL expectations are what drive us to overexert ourselves when we need more ‘me-time’. Of course you can’t ignore the necessities, such as those pesky bills and things! – and (get this, you’ll love it) – we’ve found that guests actually LIKE helping around the house if you ask them. Nothing major, of course – just enough for them to feel useful and socially engaged – like dusting with a feather duster while you clean the room. People talk better when their hands are occupied, anyway, it seems.
And, of course, as you well know: this, too, will pass. It always does. It’s just a matter of ‘hanging on’ and riding the roller coaster until that smooth slide into 2012 . . . and then a whole new year of fun problems again, LOL’ing (and shaking my head, wondering what this new year will bring . . . better than the last, right? (talking to myself)….right? LOL … somewhat manical at the end) …
Now, today, I get to do the ‘man thing’. Go shopping. After all: haven’t gotten the wife a single thing. As usual. Like a man – waiting until the last minute to get it done (grin). And no: I’m not asking for directions to the mall, either. Just winging it along…. XD
~Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday seasonings (cinnamon and spice) to everyone!
I wish you all peace, it all starts with moments, next days, weeks, months then years. It is time, I no longer look for happiness but expect peace. This year I will wrap a box in pretty paper, tie a bow and put a beautiful label on it addressed to myself, inside will be the word PEACE. This is my present to myself and I will choose when to open it. This is the present I have always deserved. I hope you will do the same and be opening this gift to yourself at the same time as I do, a moment of peace and I will smile.
I can relate to that walking through water feeling. With me, it seems to just hit from out of nowhere. I wish I could understand what triggers it and how to get rid of it.
It is possible that you are catching up on the sleep you missed due to insomnia.
I hope you were able to have a good time with your family.
Faith, I hope you are doing ok, wishing you peace and health in this new year.
JMCD