I had a restful holiday season and am ready to dive back into blogging again! I hope that you had a restful holiday season as well. Sadly, I know how hard the holidays can be for child abuse survivors, so my guess is that many of you are happy for the holiday season to come to an end.
Over the break, I had a massage. My muscles were much less tense than they usually are. I had an epiphany on the massage table that I have decided to turn into my New Year’s Resolution – This year, my resolution is to let go.
I want to let go of so many things … relationships (both professional and personal) that are no longer working for me … difficult emotions (don’t stuff them down – just let them go and sit with the process until they are gone) … the need to be in control. I have spent so much of my life towing along so much baggage. I am ready to let that baggage go.
One struggle I have always had is wanting to know what to DO without letting go of the many things that I am already doing. I always think that if I do X, Y, or Z, that is going to be the answer. I am all about reading self-help books that provide THE answer. If only I had known to DO X, Y, or Z, everything would have been fine. So, I put my energy into doing X, Y, or Z, but I just wind up even more weighted down.
Yes, “weighted down” is a good way to describe how I have been feeling. I usually use a marathon as a metaphor for healing, but this feels more like a long-distance swim. I keep pulling more and more baggage, and it is weighing me down. I am ready to cut the ties that bind me to this baggage and experience how well I can swim when I am not dragging such a heavy load behind me.
I have spent most of my life doing things I don’t want to do and investing in relationships I don’t want to invest in because I believe it is expected of me. I want to let go of those outside influences and explore who and what **I** want to be.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Welcome back and I am glad you had a holiday season. Mine was fine and I am seeing it as a window to better times. I describe it as a holiday season with little AH behavior and no total AH’s. .
For me letting go means grieving which means something is now in the past. I can not grieve that which I know I never had be it good or bad.
Art has taught me that everything needs to be grieved. When a work is complete no matter how one feels about how it turned out there is grief. I made a “rule” that I would not give or sell a piece until I was done with it. I have found that things happen and sometimes I need to grieve that a work is gone before I was done with it.
For me although not linear as i would like I have found “replacing” is as way not to grieve. It is best for me to grieve before moving on although that is not often possible.
In a way grieving is a way of giving up hope that what will not be will somehow be which seems to open up doors to things that can be as long as one accepts how things really were and how they really are. Note: Thank you to who ever commented on this blog about giving up hope. I do not remember who wrote it. I read to give up hope I can to know for me it is about giving up false hopes.
For me grieving is a solitary affair in most cases. I can only share grief when there is a shared loss.
I bought into that I procrastinate because I could not finish anything perfectly. The real reason is I did not know how to grieve the loss. The reason is there was never any loss shared.
It is hard to accept that one can get good at grieving. At first it feels like you are getting callous just like everyone else seemed to be.
Hi, Michael.
As always, thank you for sharing your wisdom. :0)
Yes, I have usually tried to “replace” a loss with something else. I have not done that with the friendship I am grieving. I am grieving that the good things about that friendship are over, but I am not looking for a replacement. I don’t plan to replace the part-time job I will leave. I am juggling three part-time jobs, so no replacement is needed! :0)
I agree that we cannot collectively mourn what was not lost together. That’s why I needed to pull away from everyone as I grieved my latest memories. I think taking that time to grieve that pain is what enabled me to have the best holiday season I have had in years.
~ Faith
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But you – and they – are right in a way – and so is Michael up there. Letting go involves grieving – but grieving for what? For me it is a past childhood – and even more, the childhood I should have had but didn’t. Grief over losing friends – over and over again. Grief over love’s betrayal – got hit with that hammer too hard (and again – over and over again.) My brother and I both have a faith in loss: we’ve learned: you lose everything; nothing’s forever – except perhaps the pain. And that’s one of the lessons to learn: to accept it, let it go, and move on.
You said something that resonates to me: “I keep pulling more and more baggage”, and it occurred to me that is exactly what I’ve been avoiding – why I refuse to accept my ‘recovered’ memories, discount images and scenes I’ve had. I’m going to keep on doing that – after all (and I’ve told the wife in weeks past): why add to my problems? Why increase the load? You got it right there, FaithAllen. Why increase the load.
Grief is a process “I” – and my ‘selves’ – won’t go through – can’t go through – and seem unable to bear. So we don’t bear it. “We” simply move on – ducking and dodging and avoiding it. (sigh) Oh well. (said like a mild old woman). I guess ‘that’ should be my resolution this year: learn to mourn, grieve – “go” back there and let the selves inside grieve for themselves – and I for them. That I guess would be Michael’s version of ‘shared grief’ – when we can grieve for them, and ‘they’ for me – and all of us together in some kind of large pity-party session. But then again . . . pity’s never been for me – it’s been a punishable offense for so long.
Well anyway: wishing everyone success in getting the only thing anyone REALLY wants and the reason for all human action, inaction, reaction and interaction – true happiness, which comes from inside.
Jeff et Friends, et all..
Hi, Jeffssong.
To me, there is no “just” in “letting go.” “Just” implies that you “just” need to do it. If you “just” do it, all will be OK. No, “letting go” take a lot of courage. It is a process, not a moment, and it is filled with pain and grief. Letting go is an act of faith that the process of grieving is worth the pain because something better waits at the end of the pain.
~ Faith
Hey Jeffsong.,
No pity is involved.
Accepting there is baggage does not make it any heavier not doing so seems to keep me weary.
For me as I am multiple I can not grieve for the others. I can not even let them all I can do is get in the way or out of the way. We grieve at first separately.
Quoted for Truth.
Well anyway: wishing everyone success in getting the only thing anyone REALLY wants and the reason for all human action, inaction, reaction and interaction – true happiness, which comes from INSIDE.
I believe you know the way of your soul and are expressing this all quite firmly/lovingly within your soul, I can hear alot of strength of soul in your words.
I believe pain is something that will not have a constant ‘hold’ or ‘place’ in our souls. The Soul is eternal, pain is not.
Happy New Year Faith, so glad you’re back!
I like your resolution. It seems like you’ve thought also about how to accomplish your goal…”don’t stuff them down – just let them go and sit with the process until they are gone” I think this is a piece that many of us miss when making resolutions. We simply don’t really think through how to accomplish it!
Good luck with letting go and here’s to being lighter in the coming years.
Peace,
mia
Hi Faith, Glad you are back in the blogging world. I have been thinking about what I want to accomplish this year as well. I think for me it seems to be when I hit a rough spot, continue to process it before I move ahead or jump to something else. That will be a tough one because I bounce around so much.
Mine is ‘reach outwards in order to reach inwards’ i.e. I don’t think I can heal myself inside without additional external support. Found your post very thought-provoking.
Happy days for the better Season for ya Faith, encouraging for the better times ahead.This year, may it be goodness and growth for us all, which I truly believe it will be. I reckon as erractic as the next year will be for the world I believe many people will have prosperous in Soul growth and gain.
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