One question that plagues me from time to time is why some child abuse survivors seem to fare better than others. This was another issue explored in Suzanne Collins’ The Hunger Games trilogy. Some of the traumatized characters couldn’t survive without staying inebriated, and some had their sanity crack. However, others found a way to go on and find meaning in their lives. Why did some far better than others?
I don’t need a fictitious story to point out this difference to me. I have lived it. Like attracts like, so most of my pre-therapy friendships were with traumatized people. My heart breaks for how some of these people’s lives have turned out. The last time I talked to one, she was facing a prison sentence. The last time I talked to another, she had lost custody of her children and was battling addiction.
My life hasn’t been easy, but it looks pretty successful from the outside. This year, hub and I will have been married for 20 years. I have a great kid and several close friends. I don’t battle addiction, have had no run-ins with the law, and am not facing bankruptcy (another story of another traumatized friend). What makes me so special?
Some people speculate that it is the level of trauma involved, but I am not buying it. I am not saying that my trauma was the worst trauma ever endured by anyone, but let’s just say that few people would want to get into a p#$$ing match with me about whose trauma was “worse.” I, personally, don’t like to compare traumas – even one incident of trauma is too many. Some of the strongest and most functional people I have met endured severe trauma – severe enough to break many others.
I don’t think the level of trauma determines who breaks and who survives. I think it has more to do with hope. I am not sure that my story would have the same ending if not for my sister. Once my sister was born (when I was two years old), I experienced pure love. I think knowing that kind of pure love existed in the world was enough to help me fight back. For what it’s worth, the traumatized characters who fared better in The Hunger Games seemed to be those who had someone to live for.
Healing from child abuse takes an enormous amount of strength and courage, so I don’t point my finger at people like the friends I have referenced who have broken under the strain of post-traumatic stress disorder. However, I would like to understand what was so special about me to overcome the odds and heal when so many others have broken. I really think the difference is hope.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
I have a few thoughts on this because I ask myself this question all the time. Why have I been in and out of hospital depressed suicidal etc. and seem to have it the worst in my family when my siblings went through much the same as I did? Why can they continue on while I am suffering so much from our childhood still? One therapist explained that they are still living in denial and possibly when they get the chance to process it they will have a hard time too. For their sake I hope not.
But he also added that there is a biological reason too it too. You might not like to hear it but some people are more sensitive and more susceptible to trauma affecting them. Some people are just born with more of an ability to just ‘suck it up’ and move on….
I tend to believe, possibly inaccurately, that denial is more common than a lack of vulnerability to trauma. Whatever the case, you’re right about there being variations; apparently a significant one is being born by C-section, which makes you less able to handle stress, more prone to breakdowns etc. There are also variations in how easily people release stress hormones in the first place; thrillseekers tend to be people whose bodies naturally release less adrenaline. I don’t know how much of this means that people suck it up; as I describe below, the abuse didn’t really affect my self-regard, but my body does react extremely badly to stress as I release the hormones very quickly and in great quantities, so it exhausts me almost instantly. Perhaps someone without that problem but with my personality would get on quite well.
The important thing to remember is that variation is natural and a lot of the time wouldn’t even come to light if everyone fulfilled their human duty of not being an abusive bastard (sorry about the language!).
This was a very good discussion for me. Thank you Faith and all who commented.
Here is the thing that I learned. I do not like being told about me. Ever.
I do not like being told my experiences are worse or better. I do not like being told what the results of my experiences are.
I knew something was “up” as I “knew” that the “for me” was implied in Faith’s post.
At first I thought I was angry than I knew it was passion. This passion was confused. I am very passionate about treatment for trauma. It is my belief that most mental health professionals will be harmful to anyone who has repressed memories of many deaths and their own near deaths committed by others in organized fashion. I do not “know” this to be true I only know this is true for me and the many many mental health professionals I have worked with and read. I brought the me to all the people I worked with.
I thought it was about someone who read my comments who had been in therapy and it did not work or was harmful might be in the same position as I was in that it was not me it was the help was not helpful and keep looking. That was part of it. They might read my comments and keep looking and be successful.
I then came to know that I was drugged woke up in a MKULTRA facility for weeks then was drugged again and woke and my family had moved to a new town. I was 4 years old. I in a way was missing those children in the facility that was with me, I was kinda hoping one of them might just be reading this blog.
I then came to know these trips to the ranch, farm, factory, facility,hospital happened more than once although all other times I woke up in the same place I came from which was the MJULTA school beside the public school.
Note: The first MJULTRA facility was at age 4 the best ever. No living in a cellar or closet and clean sheets. Oh how I loved those clean sheets and listen to this. All the food you could ever want and water to. I loved it there. Not so at the other facilities I went to.
So it then came to me. When I was 8 I was at a “bad” facility. We were playing shirts and skins. Two teams and one child that was going to lose. Losing meant you were chocked to un-consciousnesses and the handlers decided when to pull you off. This was called the chocking game and one never knew if that was the game that was to be played that day. I could sense it was and could sense it was me to be the loser.
A big kid came at me and with the strength that is often spoken of lifting cars off people I threw him against the wall. I do not know if he died. I know he was hurt bad and his head was not at a good angle. I know he never came back.
I so wanted to go see him and tell him I was sorry. I so wanted to know he was alive and OK. The worst was this elevated my stature in the facility in a way and in a way this ended my MKULTRA career. I was to dangerous for MKULTA.
Not to worry the cults were still handling me. That ended almost in the same way when I was 12 except I did not hurt anyone. I tried and it took 5 men and hour to subdue me. I became an animal. They left me alone other than to try and run be over with a car on the way home from basketball. Note the gym same as the chocking game. Note: I was gang raped by a person who is now my brother in-law in that gym.
So you see the “Killing Game” that Faith wrote about was a tad real for me.
I do not think this experience could be processed in most therapeutic relationships in that the relationship would prevent it. I have changed my mind about the only way it could happen is within a therapeutic relationship. I still think there needs to be a loving relationship that is very special.
One more note: In a better world there should be a hospital where I could go for a few days. I only need three days. There is not one. I am a male and 200 lbs. I walk into a hospital and say “Well I am confused as I have been processing a death at a CIA facility and I might never get out and would certainly be drugged. Not good when processing being drugged and ending up at a facility.
Another one more note: I am a gentle soul. I am more afraid of hurting someone else than anything in the world. Second thing is people who can love deeply of which I am one.
I think there are all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it’s something that happens that gives you a glimpse into another way of being, another kind of life, like a kind word from a teacher or a compliment from a stranger; it can keep the flame going somewhere deep deep down inside.
With me though, oddly enough, I think it’s my personality, like a neurological thing. I think I’ve been blessed with a slightly higher than average dose of narcissism. I don’t mean that in relation to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is the name for when Narcissism has got out of control and “gone bad”. I mean it purely in terms of self-regard. I’ve thought about this so much, and I have absolutely no other explanation for why I never believed any of the abuse, at home or at school, was my fault. When I was told, day in day out, that I was scum, I never believed it. Certainly I didn’t know how to let my identity manifest itself in such a dangerous environment, and had to keep it hidden even from myself, but I never believed that it was wrong. I’ve mentioned on here before that I thought everyone could tell what had happened to me just by looking and therefore must not have a problem with it, but that didn’t make me think that they were right, I just thought that if the rest of the world thought it was ok the rest of the world must be wrong. I was bullied horrifically at school, and it terrified me, but I’ve come to realise that I genuinely despised the people who bullied me, and found them offensive to even look at because of their behaviour, somewhat ironically given that they claimed to find me so repulsive. I still struggle with that sometimes, that anger mixed with a desire to squash them like I’d squash a dying wasp. I looked down on all my abusers, even as I cowered and burned with impotent rage. (I’ve never despised anyone who treats others well; it’s my dealbreaker in deciding my feelings.) I really think it’s just a quirk of temperament or biology that has allowed me to place the blame for my abuse where it belongs, and also to avoid the self-hatred that plagues so many victims.
I haven’t seen feelings like the above described often by survivors, so I hope they’re of some interest, even as just a different way of looking at things, but if anyone recognises any of it I’ll be very interested to hear how they feel.
I do not know and I know that no one else does either. About the only thing I can prove.
My spirit knows it does not matter.
All results of free will are tempered by fate and everyone’s fate is different in ways that are meaningful and effect the results of exercising free will.
To reflect on what Jan said, I have recently been reading ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin DeBecker. In it he is asked a similar question by someone in a group of criminals he is working with, something along the lines of “why was he on the other side of the fence?”, from the criminals given the fact they had all grown up in similar abusive situations. Gavin DeBecker’s belief is that there are periods in your childhood (which vary from person to person) whereby if shown kindness and validation by perhaps even just one person, that will make a difference to the final outcome. So another way of saying that being offered hope can make a real difference.
I agree with what others have said, I did alot better when I was in denial, life was much easier but processing it will help in the long run x
I think some of it has to do with choice- I look back, my choices were definitely affected by what I went through, yet they were still choices. I remember the day I took a stand with that “partying, druggy” crowd. I did not want to go any further with that way of life and when they tried to lure me back in, I let them know that is not the life I want to live.
I chose to read the Bible, to seek God for who he is and not what someone else tells me about him. I chose to put my self ambitions completely aside and devote the years of raising my children to giving them a happy childhood with a strong foundation. I made choices all along the way.
My dad chose too. He was traumatized as a child. He chose to drink; he chose to be sadistic with his children. He chose to be religious and fake. He made those choices. My mom chose to back up my dad rather than protect her children.
When ever I read stories about trauma, pivotal points in every situation come with a choice- and that pivotal point has great impact on how the rest of your life turns out. I am still making choices everyday- we all are, and we all will have to live with our choices. I could easily give up- lay down and die; but I have made a choice in this- I am going to beat this thing. By the grace of God, I am going to win!
Hey Faith,
This is a good question that I ask myself often as well. I’ve been wondering about it especially within the last year, as my siblings who lived in the same household and endured some degree of trauma handle it totally different than me.
I think you’re right that we cannot judge severity as the denominator in this case. Being very active in a support website, I’ve seen that any amount of trauma essentially leads to the same feelings in every survivor.
I think that your thoughts on how hope influences things makes a great point. I think that the smallest amount of hope or goodness can be really powerful for an abused child. I can go back and point this out in my life as well.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject,
Brittany
Another great subject.
I agree with the conclusion of hope being a strength for the soul but an important point in my mind, is real hope, hope that is true. This hope, true hope, comes from knowing that love is real and love is/has been known and will be known again.
My soul knows that love lives in eternity and eternity is where I live.
When love is known, (love within is most important and love without will help any person known the love within) then the strength that is within us, will guide us.
In calculated ritual abuse the main aim is to block this truth. Knowing love, proper, trustworthy love (thus giving proper hope) help unblocks and weakens the programming of pain.
I’ll finish with one of my sayings- Before I came to the physical I planned my destiny but my choices to what the world does to me decides my fate.
May love always be welcomed by me.
I was just discussing this very thing withaprevilis therapist of mine. As I go into the field of Social Work myself, that’s my BIG question. Why do some people progress through therapy and find healing while some others continuously find themselves looping through crisis? Why do some people see “movement” while others are frustrated and stuck?
I know that one of the factors is the amount ol support a person has outside of therapy. I think that is a crucial factor, however, that being said, I have seen some who have this and still are “stuck”.
Now this might get my head bit off, but I have seen, on occassion, people who seem “attached” to their diagnosis. Honestly, I can right now think of only 1 or 2 people where I think this is a huge factor keeping them from recovering, so honestly I’m not saying there are lots of people out there like this, but there are those who have created a life around their diagnosis in such a way that it is such a huge part of their identity that the thought of getting better is scary. When they do seem to improve they turn quickly back to crisis. I think this is understandable, and a legitimate fear to a degree. If you only identify yourself as a client, as DID, as a survivor, what’s left when that’s gone? Again, this is not true for most people I don’t think. At least that has not been my experience, so I am always wondering, “What is it? What’s the roadblock? How, as a clinician, help those who see stuck in the proocess? What are the factors involved?”
I am a student member of the ISSTD and participate on the Listserv for clinicians, and I can tell you, that IS the big question. Why do some progress to a point of healing, resolution, and integration (in whatever waythat means for the individual), and others seem stuck looping through trauma?
Lothlorien, SWT
Recovered DID and MSW-to-be
Lothlorien,
In response to: “I am a student member of the ISSTD and participate on the Listserv for clinicians, and I can tell you, that IS the big question. Why do some progress to a point of healing, resolution, and integration (in whatever waythat means for the individual), and others seem stuck looping through trauma?”
I would say from my own personal experience that I just wasn’t ready. When I saw a T some years ago who now (in hindsight) could have really helped me, it was to no avail because I simply wasn’t ready. In all honesty, I don’t really feel that he could have said or done anything differently – well, except maybe straight-out ask me if I was ready? I dunno. (shrug) Hard to tell now.
I had to wait until my life was in full-blown crisis mode in order to accept help.
Hope this helps.
I guess I should add (in lieu of recent posts) that prior to the T mentioned above, I saw another T who was not helpful at all and may have even entertained a leaning towards the then popular FMS (False Memory Syndrome) *movement.* I’m sure this tainted my views and trust level with the ensuing T…not to mention the 5 grand out-of-pocket!
In addition, my healing started to take a turn for the better when I simply started to take my feelings seriously for the first time in my life! Up until that point I was pretty much walking thru life absolutely naive and utterly clueless!!!
Hey Lothiorien,
I would have been observed as being stuck for 6 years. Fortunately I made the decision that those mental heath professionals that were confident they helping me were trying to help me with problems that did not exist. The hardest I have ever worked.
I am a multiple and went on a fugue to England and got away from those that did not understand they did not understand.
The major factor of my being stuck was trauma. The reason the help was harmful was the clinicians were not gifted therapists and did not understand they were not.
I work with many different professionals in many different fields. The mental health profession seems to not understand that they personally are not able to help every person and the only explanation is it is the persons fault or the client needs additional help. It is not considered the help they are receiving is not applicable.
If the therapy is not working the first assumption should be the therapist is not helpful. That is what all the other professionals that I work with do.
I am often struck by the fact that many therapists do not understand that some therapists are just plain better at being a therapist than others are. I am a wetland scientist. I sometimes give work to others that are better wetland scientists than I am. I often am given work by other wetland scientists that are not as good at it as I am. We do not use the excuse that we are not a good fit although that to often happens.
While I am at it 80% of people that are called Bi-polar report sexual abuse. Given that of the remaining 20% a certain number experienced trauma that is not sexual, a certain number do not disclose and a certain number have repressed memories the resulting brain chemistry is a result they are not just born that way.
I was ready at every moment in my life for someone who was able to help.
I know three multiples that got out of the loop by getting out of therapy and never going back. I think they would have fared better with the right help I think they were better off with no help at all.
To be clear I do not dissociate I am a multiple. Many therapist would get stuck with the DID model which I am sure does exist as does multiplicity and there are meaningful differences. A therapist that is working with a multiple and can not accept the differences will not be helpful.
Hey Lothiorien,
No misunderstanding. I am familiar with the research and that it is scientifically accepted some people are biologically prone to developing PTSD. I think it is incorrect that it is known this is true.
Using the single event mode;l it is reasonable to assume the same person would not develop PTSD for the same event. A human body is not the same day in and day out even if they are not multiple. I do not find it credible to assume that a person who was even slightly sleep deprived before and event and did not get sleep after the event would not be more prone to PTSD. This alone discredits the concept of biological predisposition..
If it is false assumption that any person is biologically predisposed to developing PTSD than it is disrespectful to the persons experience of trauma and what they had to do to heal from it.
I find making anything simpler than it really is by making false assumption to be harmful and gets in the way of what understanding is possible. I feel it is better to be comfortable with the unknown than to come up with something that might happen to be true.
Being blunt I find that some people are more prone to PTSD serves the needs of those that can not help people heal and serves no other purpose. It is blaming using information that is not credible to justify failure.
Holy cow! I should’ve proofread! I always screw up on this iPad!
Just Me,
You are right. Biologically and innately there are people that are more suceptible to PTSD. I just learned thatin trauma training recently.
Lothlorien
Lothlorien,
Why are some people biologically and innately more susceptible to PTSD?” Is it in the womb they were unwanted? Is it the food the mother ate? Is it the stress the mother was under. If a child spends the first year of there life locked in a closet will they be more or less biologically susceptible to PTSD?
My point is there is no way to know if a person is biologically more susceptible to PTSD. It is to complicated. The only way to come to this conclusion is to selectively evaluate. I can pretty much come to any conclusion utilizing selective evaluation.
The believe that what is important is the support around a person is a dangerous one. It does not allow that what may be important is to get rid of the support around them,
I think I was somewhat misunderstood here. If you look at the research, statistically, when you talk about one time trauma, though it impacts us strongly and most likely will cause some disruption in functioning over the short term, there are a large group of people that do NOT go on to develop diagnosable PTSD. Therefore, it is potulated that there is some possible biological, or inate, factor involved. There is also evidence from epugrnetic lingitudinal studies that supports a link. What it does NOT mean us that a person is somehow biologically flawed and that’s why they have PTSD. Absolutely not! But some people are more prone to experience long lasting diagnosable PTSD than others. I do not think this is relevent when talking about the majority of “us” who have experienced multiple traumas over a life time. And let’s also keep in mind that most biologically connected diagnoses are just risk factors. Something in the environment has to set it off in most cases, even in the case of schizophrenia.
Lothlorien
Jan,
I experienced the same thing you did. Somehow I did not get that it was my fault. I still remember distinctly thinking to myself once while in my room after being “punished” day after day after day,”NO ONE can POSSIBLY be this bad!” Therefore I cannot possibly be that bad. There must be something wrong here and looking to my family. I was only about 8 years old.
At differemt points in my therapy I have struggled with “I could’ve ____,” “I should’ve ____”. basically warding off facing the fact that I was essentially powerless, but I never thought it was my “fault.”
I would say that is a significant point to make!
Lothlorien
Thank you for saying that. As with everything in healing, I get curious as to whether I’m the only one! I do wonder where that tendency has come from, if you and I were just “made that way”. But I suppose there are few practical reasons to find out, at least that I can think of right now. I get the could’ve/should’ve thing too, but like for you it doesn’t feel like self-blame. I think for me it’s about the struggle I have to get my head around just how powerless I was. It’s like testing the water, asking myself “surely there was some way out?” and of course the answer, given that at the time I had a child’s mind and a child’s resources, is always no. That total absence of any control at all is the stuff of nightmares.
I think about this a lot too, especially since one of my siblings is about to become a father. I cut off contact with him many years ago, but it saddens me that he will continue the cycle of abuse.
As far as I can tell, the difference between us is that I want to heal and he doesn’t, and the way we orient our lives reflects that. I go to therapy and have a spiritual practice. He drinks and is a workaholic.
I think Oscar Wilde said it best: “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
[...] Why Do Some Child Abuse Survivors Fare Better than Others? (Faith over on Blooming Lotus asked this great question, and while commenting I realized my comment was too long. So I’m posting it here.) [...]
The best I can think is simple. We’re dealing with people again – and there’s an infinite variable if I’ve ever seen one. It depends on the environment; the experiences, their genetic disposition, familial teachings, morals and codes; society’s ones – their prejudices and fears based upon such things; the frequency (and expectancy) of abuse – so many things: those things which makes each person unique. We all know no one is exactly the same; nor the consequences of abuse.
And I think the ‘healing’ also depends on their surroundings, environment, and support. The ‘severity’ has some bearing – but the EFFECTS are what are more important; those are what are affecting your life TODAY. Too many therapists and psychologist concentrate on those ‘events’ and less on the effects – and (in my opinion) – encourage an endless rage. (Makes them more money in the end.)
I’ve been on the web helping other survivors for over fifteen years – and I’ve seen a lot of ‘it’. What I’ve also seen is some survivors getting ‘trapped’ and falling into holes in the road. Again, sometimes it seems the psychologists encourage this. Feeding you endless pills for depression, or having you have anger fests all of the time. Or (more commonly) – bouncing in-between. And (I hate to say this) – some people get off on the attention it brings. It gives them “life”, something to do. So they find when they are wallowing in a pit of depression others come in, come to their rescue. And they do it again. And again. Until they are doing it all of the time. A sympathy gambit and an *unconscious* ploy. But that’s okay, too. (smile.) We can forgive them. It’s hard enough being a survivor. Sometimes it’s even harder to move on.
Anyway – nuff’ said; you inspired a blog posting with this thing. Good question – as always! and keep ‘em up. Always good to think about and self-analyze myself on these things.
“We’re dealing with people again – and there’s an infinite variable if I’ve ever seen one.”
An excellent summation!
Hey Faith,
“Some people speculate that it is the level of trauma involved, but I am not buying it. I am not saying that my trauma was the worst trauma ever endured by anyone, but let’s just say that few people would want to get into a p#$$ing match with me about whose trauma was “worse.” I, personally, don’t like to compare traumas – even one incident of trauma is too many. Some of the strongest and most functional people I have met endured severe trauma – severe enough to break many others”
I strongly disagree. I personally know of about 250 children that would for lack of better words fare well in a pissing contest with you. I feel it is reasonable to assume there are many I do not know of.
I disagree that the level of trauma always has the same effect.
For me saying that all trauma has the same effect and how the person fares is totally up to them is not far away from saying trauma has no effect.
To be blunt I think that if your sister was tortured to death I think it would have an effect.
I knew I was angry when I read the comments on this post. Some might assume that it was about me. It was not. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is the deaths of the children. Some I knew and loved very deeply. It makes a difference to me.
Each death is different for me.
Hi, Michael.
As I said above, I don’t like to get into a “contest.” I know others have suffered more and others have suffered less. Their experience does not change mine. The example I like to use is that my loss of one leg is no less debilitating despite the fact that another person has lost both legs. My loss is my loss. Comparisons are not useful when we are talking about trauma (in my opinion).
“I disagree that the level of trauma always has the same effect.”
We are on the same page with this comment. That was the point of my blog entry — that two people can endure the exact same traumatic event but react differently. I am fascinated by why. If we could isolate why, perhaps we could help provide whatever is missing to those who need it.
“To be blunt I think that if your sister was tortured to death I think it would have an effect.”
Believing she died had an enormous effect on me, so I have no question that if she had actually died, it would have had an even greater effect.
I am sorry for all of your losses. Some people seem to think that one loss cuts but that additional losses get blended together. They don’t. Each loss is a loss to be grieved.
~ Faith
Hi Faith,
To be clear this is not about my losses. I am surly one of the lucky ones.
I think that the concept of isolating the cause is a problem. I will not state it will never be done in any meaningful way. I will state it has not and that I do not think anyone has even come close. I have been “following” the understanding of trauma and its effects for 8 years. 8 years ago one in 10 males where abused and now it is 1 in 6, Females were one in 6 and are now 1 in 4. The focus is still on sexual abuse. in 1980 it was combat. Males are now included. 7 years ago one in 180,000 males had the dx of DID. It is better now for a select few.
I think current understanding of trauma tends leaves out those whose unknown trauma not about sexual abuse. I think there are people who comment on this blog who it would take an incredible effort and incredible luck to find a therapist who is a good match meaning one who is not limited to what they understand.
I know many many therapists and only a few that would not be harmful to me and am as confident as I can be they would not be harmful to many people. I am more than confident that most therapist would blame the client or say they were not ready.
I think you are being disingenuous with stating it is not a contest on the one hand and on the other hand saying not many could compete with you. In effect saying it is no contest you have won.
My point is that no two people have ever experienced the same traumatic event. Using the hypothetical death of your sister. If you spent years in a basement with her as your only contact it would be different. If you at age 6 had the same thing happen again it would be different. If you had a loving grandmother it would be different. If you were intelligent it would be different. If you moved to another country it would be different. If at age 50 you were in treatment with a therapist that told you all you could ever hope for was to cope it wound be different. If the death was an accident it would be different. if you had not medically been brought to death many times it would be different. No one knows.
Some of my trauma does get blended together. So far I only needed to know of the different places I worked as a prostitute and a few of the many people who paid to rape me. The one that wanted to buy be did take some work. It would have been different if I had not been a prostitute since I was born.
I am not saying that some peoples experiences and the results are not similar in a meaningful way and current understanding of trauma is adequate. I am saying that is not true for everyone.
Michael,
don’t know how to contact you directly and so – sorry to intrude by posting this here – - –
as a child whenever i was allowed to wish for something I wished to go to a marble factory to see how they get the little paper (?) twist inside the glass
i consider it a synchronicity that you make marbles and i have met you here -
this kind of synchronicity is sort of my religion
A x (12)
Hey Ax,
If you click on my gravatar (The butterfly) it goes to my profile and my e-mail address is there on my blog. if not let me know here.
Synchronicity is real to me also. I ignore it at my peril. I kinda got to where I was so watching what to stay away from I missed what to go to.
It was once said to my therapist. “So is it why did it take so long for me to find you our it it why did it take so long for you to find me.” She answered, “I do not know.”
Why in the world do I connect with Faith? An educator with a law background who goes to church. Her only redeeming quality I know of is she is a musician. Smile
I can make the cats eye marbles. I make kinda abstract marbles. I do like to leave a little window of clear so you can see in just a bit.
My marbles like to be gifts. I have given away many and to date when I ask everyone knows where their marble is and it is always in a special place.
I often show them to people. I ask “I have new marbles do you want to see.” They so far always have and many say thank you afterward seemingly with out thinking.
I gave one to a 6 year old and it was not one of my best so I gave her another one. She was reading and so was pretty absorbed at the time. She thanked me and looked right into my eyes and said. “You should keep some marble for yourself” then went back to reading. So now I do.
As an artist I have peaked. I gave one to a waitress and she gave it to her son. He took it to show and tell. How cool is that? Is there a more important venue?
Michael
“Why in the world do I connect with Faith? An educator with a law background who goes to church. Her only redeeming quality I know of is she is a musician. Smile”
ROFL!!!!!!
~ Faith
‘Michael said:
I was ready at every moment in my life for someone who was able to help.
I know three multiples that got out of the loop by getting out of therapy and never going back. I think they would have fared better with the right help I think they were better off with no help at all.’
Many comments here I disagree with – and don’t have time right now to argue why – but what Michael says as quoted applies to me.
How ‘well’ you are doing in the wake of trauma is impossible to measure too. No offence, at all, Faith – but I don’t think 20 yrs marriage, a child, no law-breaking/bankruptcy etc are any measure at all of recovery. Think of it like this, someone with no partner, no child, bankrupt and having served a prison sentence COULD be a v well healed survivor … there are so many variables that affect such ‘status’ things in life.
This does lead potentially to more interesting questions such as how do each of us measure our healing. I think for me freedom and joy would be key, as they were most stolen.
You are absolutely right!!!!! Healing is about finding peace within yourself. It is sn internal thing that cannot be measured by such external factors. Keep in mind, though, that Faith also added hope. I don’t think she was implying that those factors = not healed, or that they indicate someone doesn’t measure up. I think she just used them in relation to people she kniws who are still struggling on the inside and their outside world matches their inside world. Outside chaos sometimes reflects internal chaos, but most definitely not always.
Excellent thoughts!
Lothlorien
Hi, A x.
That’s an interesting point. I guess I was looking at the American measures of “success,” which are all external.
My sister has visited Belize three times, and she is always amazed by the level of peace she sees in the people there who live very “un-American” lives but seem much happier (joyful) than anyone she knows in the U.S. The children she met were grateful to own a pair of shoes, and a “rich” family (in one area she visited) were considered rich because they owned a bicycle. They didn’t have 500 TV channels to watch (no TV at all!), but they had a breath-taking view of the ocean and a simple life (as compared to American society) with simple joy. Whenever she returns from Belize, she needs a week of alone time before she can handle venturing into the “busy-ness” of American society.
That is a great question — How do we measure healing? For me, it has been growing comfortable in my own skin and loving myself exactly the way I am. Heck, it is being able to receive constructive criticism, such as your and Michael’s responses, without feeling shame or worrying that you must hate me and will never read my blog again. LOL I can consider your points of view and explore them without believing I am a horrible person. A few years ago, a reader’s disagreement with something I wrote triggered lots of shame. Today, it’s just an interesting discussion. :0)
~ Faith
I think the strength that comes from your mindset, outside influences (support network) and courage to face everyday life head on. It’s an assortment of people, learning and events in life. Each of us is a different human being with our own wiring in our brain. For some it may come “easier” because it looked like a breeze for them to get through, I think it has a lot to do with your strength from within and determination (mindset) to move past it and have a life beyond what you think defines you as a person.
The brain is mysterious and beautiful. Fear should not dwell in our memories any longer.
sending you all love and light
April Nicole
http://www.whispersfrommyheart.weebly.com
http://www.mindsetforlife.wordpress.com
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