Yesterday, I shared how I overcame my fear of flying. That experience ran so much deeper than making plane trips less stressful – it actually helped me conquer my fear of death.
So much of the trauma in my childhood centered around the fear of death. I was forced to kill a kitten. I saw my dog killed. My abusers frequently threatened to kill my sister and even made me believe they had done so on one occasion. I was almost killed (to punish my sister) and resuscitated. The fear of death was my abusers’ trump card. As long as I feared death, they had control over my actions in their presence.
When I lost my fear of flying through that meditation, I also lost my fear of death. For the first time, I knew at a heart level that shedding the body in this lifetime does not mean that I (or anyone else) ceases to exist, which freed me from fearing death. By letting go of the fear of death, I found a way to embrace life. I didn’t have to fear my life’s end – I could, instead, enjoy my life!
Those of you with a Christian faith might have difficulty embracing a belief in reincarnation (I definitely did!), but I don’t believe that G*d would use a false theology to perform such a miracle in my life. I think I needed a miracle of this magnitude for me to stop resisting the reality of reincarnation.
** religious triggers **
The following Bible verse helped me understand my newfound freedom from the fear of death:
Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? ~ I Cor. 15:55
Losing my fear of death and embracing reincarnation freed up many things for me. I no longer see suicide as “the murder of yourself” – I see it as a soul’s way of escaping a carnation that is perhaps too difficult for that soul’s level. I still encourage people to push through their suicidal urges, but I also don’t view suicide as a horrible travesty like many people do. I see life or death in this carnation as a choice, which is freeing for me.
Embracing reincarnation has enable me to let go of my bitterness toward my abusers. I believe that hell is not a place of fire and brimstone but, instead, having to experience the way you made other people feel in your last carnation. I believe that my abusers who have passed away have had to experience the “hell” of what they put me through, and that is a far more painful experience than fire and brimstone. The thought of them having to experience what they did to me has enabled me to let go of the need for vengeance in this lifetime – justice will prevail after they finish this incarnation.
** religious triggers **
Finally, embracing reincarnation has answered many questions I had about my faith, such as why a loving G*d would tell the Israelites to slaughter men, women, and children in a society. With only one lifetime, He is condemning those children to hell. With reincarnation, he is releasing those souls from institutionalized repression. I always had trouble with the pass/fail nature of heaven and hell, especially when different people have different struggles to overcome in this lifetime. Finally, I always had trouble understanding how an evil person who asked for forgiveness in his last breath would be ready to spend eternity with God.
I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here. This isn’t a blog on theology, but this happens to be one of my favorite topics, and I know few people in my offline life who will engage in this topic with me.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Hi Faith:
I never had a fear of death. I remember as early as age 4 praying to die. Sometimes I would come to after my mother would choke me into unconsciousness and be so disappointed that I wasn’t dead. To me death was peace. I discovered at a very young age there are things worse than death.
I’m still am not afraid of dying. My fear is rooted in the fact that I’ve lost so much because of the abuse. Yeah, I’m in therapy, really good therapy but the abuse started so early and went on so long I never knew a life without out until five years ago when I got restraining order against my mother.
My fear lies in seeing the constant level of anxiety that is the norm for me. My fear lies in how I seem only to find comfort when I am by myself. It lies in the desperate longing/envy I feel when I see people interacting in loving ways and knowing I don’t even understand just how that works.
I don’t believe in reincarnation or that the universe balances itself. People have free will and sometimes they get away with some horrendous s**t. Good things happen. Bad things happen. Sometimes good prevails. Sometimes it doesn’t. I feel ok with that. I’m not saying I don’t get upset when bad things happen. I do and that’s all part of the mix too. I used to try to save the world. I’d volunteer for anything and everything. I’d donate money to worthy causes but would have very little to take care of myself. This rooted in four things. 1. I felt I was beyond worthless 2. On some level I knew I was messed up and felt so beyond hope that I felt I could at least help somebody else. 3. I wasn’t able to acknowledge the level of the abuse because at the same time I was still actively engaged with my mother. 4. I was trained to believe that anything that I did for myself was selfish.
***Trigger***
When I was raped last year, the pain was so raw that my efforts to minimize it by making myself feel better by saying at some point he was going to get his did not work. For me, holding onto that bad people will get what’s coming to them, was a way of rationalizing the pain away. After the rape, I was in such a place that none of those defenses worked. I had to sit with the pain. I think for one of the few times in my life I was present with my emotions and my body. And it was so horrendous, I had to reach out for help. Something I’ve never done in regards to any of the sexual abuse (childhood/overt; adult/covert).
Looking at only the bright side is dangerous for me. It’s not that I’m negative. But I was trained by the abusive mother to deny everything about myself (my thoughts, feelings, emotions). I have a tremendous ability to minimize the nastiest behavior, to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Now I am just beginning, I am able to enjoy what’s worth enjoying and feel bad about what’s not. This works for me. Now I’m working saving myself.
Thanks again for your blog.
Toni
Toni,
I’ve been sitting with the thoughts and feelings that came up in your post ever since I read it. I want to send you a ‘shout out’ to say that I’m sorry to read what you’ve been through, and what you’re suffering with now, and my thoughts are with you.
I wholeheartedly relate to what you said here:
“Looking at only the bright side is dangerous for me. It’s not that I’m negative. But I was trained by the abusive mother to deny everything about myself (my thoughts, feelings, emotions). I have a tremendous ability to minimize the nastiest behavior, to give people the benefit of the doubt.”
Sending you (safe) hugs, if that’s appropriate, and wishes for all good things in the universe – most especially peace, love and healing – to come your way.
[...] Losing My Fear of Death (faithallen.wordpress.com) [...]
God is a huge concept that is pretty impossible to wrap the mind around. To believe in something doesn’t necessarily make it true. The Bible speaks of people hiding in a “refuge of lies.” The lies or things that they make up their minds to believe in, become a refuge against the torment of unanswered questions and things we do not understand.
I know I do believe in God. I know he is with me- he has been too real in my life to say otherwise. For someone to try to convince me otherwise, is to try and convince me that there is no sun in the sky. Its just too obvious that God is, no matter what arguments come against it.
I also believe in Christ, and that he paid the price for sin-to take sin away from us- out of us. I do not have to fear death anymore, because I am no longer a sinner. That is my refuge. I do not understand everything. I was just crying this morning over that thought as I was praying to God, telling him I don’t understand certain atrocities and it is scary to not understand why these things are so. But after I pray and cry, I know that I must trust. Just as a little toddler needs to trust when his mother wont let him wander across the street. He has no concept of the impact of a vehicle hitting him- but the mother does. God is too big to stick into personal boxes of our limited understanding.
Your ideas make sense to you and have brought a certain amount of comfort to your mind, but to me they are sad and hold no comfort. I would never want to return to this world again. I have a hope in the promise that Christ left me; “Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.” John 13:1-3
“O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Cor. 15:55-57
I really know what you mean. I strongly recommend “Many Lives, Many Masters” by Dr Brian Weiss. I was raised Catholic but now it’s like I KNOW there is reincarnation, there are different levels we achieve in consciousness and in past and next lives. If you do not take care of the pains you are causing or yourself (abuses) you will re- live a similar, difficult life until you learn. Great post!
Also Alan Watts: The Book: the taboo against knowing who you are
Part of my ‘growing up’ is letting go of the notion that the world is the way I read in all my children’s books where everything works out in the end, and the parties in any particular situation always receive justice.
I’ve learned that this just isn’t so, so if I believe justice and truth to be important in this life it’s my reponsibility to work to make them possible, when the interia of life seems to want to do the opposite. So many versions of what to believe, what not to believe, whether it be the bible, or the Koran, or the I Ching, & whether they should be taken literally or are metaphors.
I’m at the moment leaning toward the ‘bible as a metaphor’ side, and as a guide-book for how to live a decent life. I’ve — loosely — come to believe that there are positive and negative forces at work in the world, and even though I admittedly haven’t thought it through that much, believe that my ‘goal’ in life is to do whatever I can to grow toward the good in life, and do whatever I can to disengage from evil, to heal myself, and to do whatever I can to help others who are also escaping from dark forces and trying to save themselves – even if it’s only by speaking up and saying my truth and letting them know it’s possible to heal and become, or rather remain, decent human beings even after intimate and overwhelming experiences with evil.
I have a problem with the thought that suffering in this life is punishment for sins in a previous life. That sound too much like my suffering now is a result of sins I committed earlier. And THAT sounds too much like what my mother always tried to brainwash me to believe – that my suffering at the hand of her torture was my own fault and that *I* was the cause of it.
But I too feel largely free of the fear of death. Part of it is the ‘feeling close to death’ thing – that Faith wrote about several weeks ago. I absolutely don’t want to die, but I no longer fear it. I feel that if I, at the time of my death, had contributed more to the good side (significantly more) than the bad, my life won’t have been in vain. As long as I’ve contributed to the good in this world, perhaps thats all I need to feel comfortable moving on, regardless of whether I’m coming back in any form, or where I may be going afterwards.
However, none of that seems to be of any help to me as I try to overcome my triggers and fears of getting in the shower or brushing my teeth or getting dressed.
So, it would seem, I’ve lost (or lessened) my fear of death, but not my fear of suffering.
sorry for the typo – that should be “inertia”, not “interia”.
I have found freedom by reading thousands of accounts of NDE’s near death experiences… To think that I actually chose this life and parents was an eyeopener. But if you think of this life as being comparatively a few hours long to eternity, with the lessons of love and growth, I am sure we decide to jump on for the ride for a bit….
Being a gamer, I think of it as “leveling up”..
My reptilian brain fears both pain and death. That is its job.
My spirit sees death as a loss to those that are now alive.
I portend no knowledge of other lives other than my own experiences.
I have never had an issue with others suicide. I am not them.
My own suicide did not happen most often as I did not want to hurt those that loved me. In those time where the pain I was in did not warrant my suffering as I was to prevent the hurt to those I love than it was really for me my spirit did not want to go through this all again. A sense thing not a knowing thing.
I have no understanding or even a sense of after this live. I would like to come back as my cat. He has it made. Smile
With all religions I have never been able to accept the assumption that I must to follow it.
I totally separate religion from spirituality.
I do not portend to know about other people, I have know of some who have a sense of many souls. That may be the way it is for them. I do not know.
I have a sense of my soul and pieces broken from it.
My understanding is fluid. I once was as sure as I was of anything that I had been to a place where souls went and they were all lined up side by side. I know know that to be when I was transported by rail with other children after being put into the equivalent of a 1960 suspended animation which means induced coma.
I have spirits come to me. They do not effect this physical world for the most part. i have had things move and sparks off my finger tips and such that I do not understand. I have no fear of any spirit. They can aggravate me sometimes.
My spirit seems to often deal in questions. I asked someone who would not portend to know “I get energy from the sun it feels like I get the same energy from people sometimes isn’t that stealing energy from them., They replied. Do you steal energy from the sun?
i do not see what is happening in this life as punishment or reward for other lives. It is not really on a time line for me. Say I see clay vessels and wooden benches. I do not know if that is before or after I see some thing metal. It just does not work that way for me.
Most of all I know who I love in this life.
Hi Micheal:
“I would like to come back as my cat. He has it made. Smile ”
Ditto on the cat thing. My cat lives a very, very good life. Although I’m sure she’d like to go outside every now and then but she’s strictly indoor.
Toni
5-6 million dogs/cats are euthanized yearly due to homelessness. They’re the lucky ones. The ones left homeless die much more painful deaths. Being another species in a world dominated by humans is usually extraordinarily challenging.
I understand your post is probably referring to your happy cat. Just want to point out the reality for other cats.
Toni.
My cat has his own porch. When he goes out I leave the door so he can push it open, It is funny in the winter he comes gets me and tells me I need to close the door. In the summer he does not bother.
He has friends that come visit him.
There was a mouse in the cupboard he came and got me. “Hey you wanna do something about that it might eat my food.” Then he walked off.
I often ask him for advice. He says “Well if you are not going to eat than take a nap.” I follow his advice often.
In his defense he does know when to lay on my feet when I need to not go to far into the ozone.
I think animals can talk they are just smart enough not to.
Michael
I am not saying worse here I am saying different. It is not my fault if anyone reads worse.
These so called death experiences can be the deaths of others, animals and NDE’s. Each death experience is different. Each death of others, animals etc is different and each death experience is experienced differently by every person who has them.
Being brought close to death changes a persons brain each time it happens and effects all other experiences.
For me the death experiences for lack of better words trumps all other experiences.This is my experience.
In a way all the deaths of others had a before a during and no real end only an after. The end did not happen until I grieved. Each one was different in the before the during the after and the end.
Each NDE had a beginning a during and an after. The during was nothing less than wonderful. The beginning was horrible and yet nothing like the after. The after the coming back was for me the real horror.
As I am using the term NDE it is physical. Being blunt being shot at is not a near death experiencing as I am using it.
These death experiences I am speaking of are not the same as extreme childhood neglect nor sexual abuse. I do not know what sexual abuse without death experiences is like. Nor do I know what death experiences are like without extreme neglect and sexual abuse.
I am using extreme childhood neglect to mean neglect that if continued would result in physical death. Being in an environment which can not support physical life over time for a long enough time that physical growth can not occur.
Again I am saying different. i do not find it credible that extreme childhood neglect, death experiences and sexual abuse will have the same effect as sexual abuse nor will that what needs to be done to heal will be the same.
For me personally it seems to be very close to not mattering. It did matter it mattered a lot as in had I not embraced it was different I could have never gotten our of the trap that is doing what is right for experiences I do not have and being blamed for not healing.
I am aware I do not yet know the end to the NDEs It right now does not seem to be a grieving thing. I do know I am experiencing what for me are minor white lights. Minor being short duration and little after effects. The intensity of the light is the same and a constant for me. It is not even light anymore than auras that I see are colors. That is just as close as I can come limited as I am with words that only exist to describe this human experience.
One more thought. Some people say that they just get over it. Perhaps they do. Perhaps their experiences lend them selves to that.
If you google there is a neat case of a past life remembered.
i found three things most interesting.
1. The skeptic seemed to have his answer before hand.
2. The positive effect the processing had on the child
3; The child being exasperated with the adults. When that happens to us it is what we call a blurt.
I’m a believer in reincarnation also. I have no real reason why, it just makes a certain amount of sense to me.
Glad you found your way through the fear of death.
Peace,
m
We pretty much lost our fear of death early on; however, that does not mean we lost our sense of self-preservation. Don’t like dying, but death . . . not much worry on that front.
Our daughter told us a tale of reincarnation at such an early age I have a hard time believing it isn’t true (at http://wp.me/p1t0dv-dM). Our dad was ‘born again’ (and violently so – to us, anyway); mom was a witch (literally; spiritualist, more or less) – we had to read so much on religion (across the board) – that we (smile) ‘merged’ them all into one thing.
But I also look at “it” (life) like this:
If you believe in an immortal ‘soul’, then what is a lifetime in the face of all eternity? What is “this” but one in a zillion experiences? A blink of the eye – you remember those pains from childhood – but the sting is gone (somewhat – depends on what it is – some of those stings were poison in us). And life is about teaching and learning (to us, anyway) . . .
This last July we shook it ‘all’ – all our fears of death and dying; this lifetime; the works. Gained some of it back – but okay with that. We ‘saw’ a lot of ‘true’ things; we put science together along with god and come up with a workable ‘system’ and philosophy and …. well, anyway.
Like a friend has told us through the years: “It doesn’t matter *what* you believe – just believe *something*.” It goes a long way towards removing some fears and gaining some happiness.