I am working through a series on integration from dissociative identity disorder (DID), which begins here. I am using Rachel Downing’s article, Understanding Integration , as a starting point and then building upon what she says with my own experiences.
Downing shares that she had the following concerns about integration:
- Would she be able to deal with new trauma memories? She discovered (as did I) that trauma memories will continue to need to be processed even after integration. My experience has been that it is easier to process trauma from an integrated perspective than it was as an alter part because the memory is processed against the backdrop of a whole lifetime of experiences.
- Could she integrate hundreds of alter parts? Both she and I were successful in doing so. I did not keep a list of the number of alter parts I had to integrate, but it was definitely in the hundreds. The biggest part was my original child. Faye (the host personality) was a three-dimension part. Other parts were also “big,” such as Wolfie who came out at night to protect me while I slept. Most parts were smaller (personality fragments) that held only one emotion, memory, or part of a traumatizing memory.
- Would the extent of the abuse prevent integration? Like me, Downing suffered from ritual abuse, and she feared that perhaps she was too broken to be fixed because of the nature of the abuse. The extent of the abuse did not prevent either of us from integrating.
- Was she too old to integrate? Downing feared that being in her mid-forties made her too old to integrate. Thankfully, I didn’t worry about this in my mid-thirties since I had Downing’s experience of succeeding at an older age.
Interestingly, my biggest concern about integration was very different from Downing’s, perhaps because I had her article to allay the fears that she had already written about. My number one concern was who I would be at the end of the process. I was very passive (the world’s doormat) and structured before beginning the healing process. I could not fathom being anything other than what I had always been.
With each integration, I was different. After one integration, I was suddenly much more aware of the possibility of being harmed while walking in the park whereas I was always previously too dissociated for being hypervigilant about my safety in the park. After integrating Irate, I went from never getting angry about anything to popping off if someone was rude to me. In the early stages, it felt like who I was kept shifting, which was disorienting.
I have grown to realize that integration isn’t about becoming a new person but, instead, awakening to who I have always been. As an example, I have always had a backbone, but I dissociated this strength into alter parts because it was not safe for me to express my anger as a child. However, every few months, Irate would have enough and lash out, surprising Faye. I used to joke that I had a very long fuse that only went off about once a year. My reality is that I have always been a strong person – I just had dissociated away that strength. I now have access to that strength 24/7.
My other big concern was simply how to go about integrating. I learned that integration is a natural process, and I didn’t need a “how to” manual to accomplish it. As long as I loved and accepted each part as “me,” integration happened naturally a little at a time.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Hi Faith,
Though I am not commenting much here, I am enjoying this series. I am not multiple and so integration is not a concern for me. However, I do relate to so much on more of a dissociative level. I relate to being out of touch with certain emotions and through my healing process I have been in touch with them; Intense anger has been experienced and I understand it to be a turning point in healing.
I feel just as dissected inside as you describe in this series, yet without “parts” that have names. For me, it was more a fear through the years of “what is wrong with me” because I could be so different from time to time.
I relate to not accepting parts of myself, and aggressive parts of myself wanting to “beat me up.” I also relate to feeling differnet sizes at times-like alice in wonderland. Many, many things I can relate too, yet without a multiple personality.
I do not “lose time” but I lose the “sense” of time- I do not go on fughes and have clothing that I do not know where it came from etc . . .
My memories are extremely stubborn to get hold of- I simply have PTSD on a physical and emotional level.
However thE PTSD is improving without getting in touch with all the trauma memories so I feel as long as I am getting better, that is what counts.
I relate to all of this, even this article, yet without multiplicity.
With no conclusion I just want to throw some logic here. Downing does not work with adults only children and there is no follow up. The proof in her work is unknown as there is no follow up as the person grows. Success based on her definition.
As far as age goes I am 57. For me this work is about my spirit which will have other lives so age is not an issue.
For me I prepare the reptilian brain by not staying present, process the trauma through non-directed expressive therapy as deeply has I can and integration happens.The end result always grieving.
As I process I can no longer go as deep into the trauma as I am not as PTSD. I have a past. I can still feel as deeply just not about what is now in my past.
This is my first time commenting here, but I’ve been reading for some time and find this integration series very interesting, as always thank you Faith for sharing. I do not have DID nor am I a multiple, but I do feel split in my trains of thought. It’s like I can have two completely different opinions about things even at the same time. I do believe that we all have different elements of the psique that we do not understand or embrace, some may be more dominant than others. So, ‘integrating’ for me is finding who I really am at my core, without all the noise of the less important thoughts around.
On the other hand, I have a couple of questions for Michael, I find your different point of view very refreshing, but I don’t understand what you mean by ‘reptilian brain’, and what do you mean when you say ‘not staying present’?. Like you, I feel that staying present doesn’t give way for ‘problems’ to manifest and so I never deal with them. I have taken to staying present as an avoidance method…or maybe I just don’t get it too much.
“As long as I loved and accepted each part as “me,” integration happened naturally a little at a time.”
To accept I had to forgive. To forgive I had to understand some of what went on – in ‘their’ (or my) thoughts and head – at the time. “Why” they went about doing what ‘they’ did. Once I got it down (see that sentence above – Faith got it right in that thing) – it’s become much easier to at least “get along”.
I think maybe intergration is the parts moving so smoothly along that you don’t notice them flowing anymore. I paid attention to my mind the other day, and there ‘they’ were – flowing and changing as I went from one task to the next. “Gee, look at the flowers” – and little Mikie ‘springs’ to the top of my mind – looking and ‘ohhing and oo’ing’ and enjoying the thing … walk across the yard (in steps the Marine and another one, probably Matthew) – bend over to pluck a weed (M3, adult host and maintanence man, LOL!) – all in one ‘smooth motion’ so to speak. Just switching naturally without thought or trauma or pain. Is that what integration is? When “I” am not noticing this is going on – does it ‘count’ that when I sort of step back into the background ‘they’ are coming forward and doing those things? “Parts” cooperatiing smoothly – if I was to lose the names, get a better handle on the emotions, smooth things out.
One thing I have is ‘factions’. We have had those for a long, long time (11, 12, 13?) Trouble with those is when one group decides they want one thing, and another group hates that same thing – then the ‘fight’ is on. I’ve learned that ‘one’ can do nothing; groups are always in control. Is a ‘group’ a sign of integrating beings? Or just a faction since they, too, can divide, trade sides, fight amongst themselves? “I run by majority rule,” I have always said – and it’s true. The hosting system is rather weak (decision making skills and control). But I wonder: if I could ‘group’ my factions better by emotional likes and dislikes – could I ‘fuse’ them into just ‘one’ being … somehow I doubt so.
sigh.
Good series, Faith – keep it up.
I think you’ve written so well here. Thank you again. Integration does leave you a little different each time, doesn’t it?? You write about becoming more aware of safety risks. Then having the ability to be angry. It takes some time for those to even out, I’ve found. One of my integrated parts was very confident – learning how to embrace that confidence took some time for me. I can also relate to wanting to understand how integration happens. I wanted a road map and an agenda. But you are right, each time it’s happened it has been “natural”. There was no plan of integration – just the plan and commitment of working through each of the pains and places of brokenness. It was far more about feeling the feelings and knowing that I could walk through them (and that I no longer needed the comfort of dissociation in these places) than about any plan I had. Thank you.
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