On my blog entry entitled Noticing the Progress I Have Made, a reader posted the following comment:
Today I got very very triggered and despite my conscious knowledge to the contrary, my subconscious mi d was convinced that my life was in danger, obviously it was not but I couldn’t rationalise this to myself at all. All my normal coping strategies were gone and I had to stay in this situation for nearly an hour. It’s been a long time since I have felt so stressed and afraid, I can’t even talk about it without feeling sick and anxious. I HAVE to be in fairly frequent contact with the person who triggered me (unintentionally) and I am very nervous about this as my brain has made a strong connection between them and danger. I’m really worried about how I’ll cope, and that experience of getting triggered was so much stronger than previous times it frightened me a lot! Hard to know what to do to “fix” this as usuals don’t seem to be working. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated! ~ Sophie
This is an old comment but one that is relevant to many people. It sounds like Sophie was triggered by a person who wasn’t intending to trigger her but, nevertheless, caused a severe reaction in her. I have had this happen myself.
I was at the grocery store a few years ago, and a woman was pushing a young (maybe two years old) child in a shopping cart. The second I saw the child, I became triggered and feared I would vomit in the store. I had to get away from that child IMMEDIATELY to avoid a panic attack so severe that I couldn’t hide it in public.
A couple of years later, I ran into the same child at the public library and had the same reaction. (I have no idea why.) This time, I was with a friend, and I asked her if she noticed anything strange or different about the child. She looked surprised by my question and said he just looked a normal child to her. To this day, I have no idea why I reacted so strongly to this child, but I hope he moved away so I don’t run into him again!
The first step is to acknowledge that for some reason, this person triggers you. Don’t beat yourself up for this – it is what it is. Ideally, you wouldn’t have to interact with this person (just as I don’t have to interact with that child). When you have a choice, choose not to interact with someone who triggers you like this.
If contact is inevitable, don’t just assume that there is something “wrong” with you. Consider the possibility that you are getting triggered for a reason. I got triggered by an eye doctor and assumed it was just me since I was new to therapy. I saw him again a couple of years later (when I was emotionally stronger), and I went in prepared and with an open mind. I got the same triggered feeling. He was inappropriate but subtle, doing things holding his cheek against mine when he examined my eye. (I have seen numerous eye doctors, and none of them physically touched me during an eye examination.) I wasn’t overreacting – I was picking up on vibes from that doctor. I switched doctors after that visit.
If you are certain that you are not picking up on any “vibes” and that you are being triggered but are safe around this person, take steps to mitigate your reactions. Another option is to remove yourself from this person, such as by switching jobs or moving. There is not one person on the planet that you MUST interact with. You do have options.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Permission to trust that our reactions have reason, and to not beat ourselves up over these unexpected triggering experiences is invaluable. I feel like I am not getting any better; i feel like i’m going back instead of forward when i panic or can’t get a grip but trying to remember there are reasons for these things may help. thank you so much
I do not avoid anything in the now that is an issue only because of the past unless it is not practical. I work on unraveling what the cause is for the simple reason if I do not than I will always live in fear of the unknown.
For me it is about my reptilian brains. My reptilian brain is telling me something is wrong. That is what a trigger is for me. The reptilian brains may be telling me to avoid and if I listen with out words than my reptilian brains have a different experience and next time will tell me something different.
It is hard as the reptilian brains are often correct, I sometimes now sense danger and it is there just not to me. I am coming to find that all my intuitive senses tell me what I should do and where it gets confused is when my cognitive brain wants the future predicted. Reptilian brains are immediate and not about the future. If I am “triggered” I go with it as best I can. Avoidance is not the way for me to deal with things.
All that being said it is very OK for me not to deal with things. I did not give that up just because I experienced trauma.
As I unravel I find that many things are not as directly related to the trauma as my cognitive brain would prefer. Stores were hard for me sometimes. The reason is the colors. It this somehow tied into the coming out of the cellars in to the light and all the things that were done to me in the MKULTRA programs with living in gray cells and then thrust into colored lights etc. Probably. Does not matter I know know why sometimes I threw up in stores and it does not bother me anymore. Other than stores tend go be ugly and I rather be swimming in a lake.
I’m triggered by my niece. I feel sick when I’m around her, with a hollow pit in my stomach. My pulse and my thoughts begin to race, it becomes hard to breathe, and I begin to panic. I get especially triggered when I see my husband with my niece (my husband is the mother’s brother). None of this ever made sense until I recovered memories of events that took place with my own uncle, my mother’s brother. Now these panic attacks make sense to me, but they still aren’t appropriate. I’m at a loss of what to do, for now I’ve avoiding the child. I know I won’t always be able to avoid the child, and some point I’m going to have to find a way to be around her. It’s a fine line we walk day to day.
I am only recently (a year and a half into full on weekly therapy at the DID centre in London) starting to become aware of triggers and how to avoid them. Due to certain other training not connected to trauma my coping mechanisms for Fear(False Evidence Appearing Real) are hyper disciplined and not overwhelming. Part of this is my perception of the panic process triggered through trauma. My signals of fear (increased heart rate, sweating, hair stand on end, butterflys in tummy etc etc) are to me, an efficient and highly evolved early warning system that is able to recognise danger that is both percieved and actual. It has help me stay alive in some very extreme and life threatening scenarios. And is probably the number one reason I am alive today, I respect it and revel in its company..
However, since my Amnesic barriers were breached and my childhood returned to my mind I have experienced “Childhood fear” and all the training, all the experience, all the techniques I know, which without ego are very numerous ..meant nothing, nothing at all.. To rationalize or dissociate from Fear is an adult method, designed by adults for adult minds, yet the Memories that came were experienced by a Kid without any tools.. Reliving those extreme traumas as a child in an adults body is what my experience of DID triggers has been so far.. And its been the scariest part of a very scary life.. No longer are Fear and I bedfellows, I have a new found respect for the scared individuals out there where before lived contempt, you have my respect. As for Knowing when triggers are going to happen, that is a pipe dream for me ATM.. One I hope to achieve.
I think it is important to remember that obsessive compulsive disorder occurs in abused and un-abused person’s. Fear is not usually a natural response in a innocent environment. I like the definition above that Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real. However with that being said I believe that as a scared abused child that I became more of a fly on the wall always observing people, their behavior, there risk factor to being able to hurt me. Is it possible that the child represented the fear of other children finding out, maybe resembled a neighborhood child that was always happy and you didn’t understand how they could be so happy when you were so sad, hurt or confused. But, what I have allowed myself after all these years and years of counseling, is to just trust my instincts, if something is making me nervous, scared, embarrassed and or fearful, I acknowledge it and have developed many ways or what I call re-booting my brain. One that I used was saying out loud or in a whisper depending upon where I was “I want to go home”, in my mind it was giving my brain permission re-boot to go back to a normal state and access the information from that clear screen. The only children that I have had a flight or fight response to was my abusers children, my two nephews, they disgusted me as if they were my brother, because they were part of him. I discovered that sometimes the emotional self has to be reconnected to the spiritual self to help me control the physical self. That is when my “I want to go home” became a reminder that one day “I want to go home” (to my real home in heaven), it was another type of re-boot bringing my mind back to the spiritual side of me. Basically I considered this re-boot permission to make my home page the Christian part of me that didn’t want to live my life in anger and disgust of innocent people. Maybe a brain specialist could tell me why this worked for me, but it literally gave my brain permission to leave the dark and ugly behind. Several years ago I was having a light hearted discussion with my Mom about my cousin I’ll call her Susan, I asked her if she thought that Susan had ever gotten over her anger problems, yelling about everything from her hair to screaming about her brothers. I recognize now was her way of dealing with triggers and what ever abuse she when through at the hands of her parents and their divorce which brought her and her brothers to have to live with my grandmother. There was some whispered talk about my Uncle her father being inappropriate with Susan. Susan resented Grandmother having other grandchildren and when we were their she became a lunatic. She still has social interaction problems and can not handle large crowds. Any way while talking about if Susan still had problems or not, one of my nephews (my oldest sister’s child, who also used to trigger me, because they lived in filth and my sister didn’t have control of her own emotions to be a good mother, her children always stank from not bathing). Was in the room off of my Mother’s sitting room. He asked very loudly – didn’t I used to have a anger and yelling problem. I had to laugh as I in fact would lose my composure around certain family members. I told him yes, Billy but now I medicate and I do it not only for me but for everyone around me, like you. I guess my point is we can change our reactions, but we have to muddle through until we work out are own way of re-booting.
I’m new to your blog – came across it today when doing a search for reactions to sexual abuse. I read your whole back story today – it was mind numbing. Just as a quick overview of my history – my mom remarried when I was 8 and proceeded to instigate an adoption with the new stepfather. The night after the adoption was complete (I was 9 years old), he molested me. I told my mom and she confronted him. He denied everything and insisted she take me to a doctor to see if there was any evidence. The doctor did an internal exam and pronounced there was no evidence and then went on to tell me that I better be completely sure of what I was saying because if I was wrong, or if it was just a bad dream, then he would go to jail and my mom would be single and it would be because of me. My mom heard the whole exchange. At that point I decided to “take one for the team” and said that maybe it was just a bad dream. I had to talk to police and I still remember the first time I dissociated – I was sitting at the kitchen table at night, the police were there getting my statement and I was casually telling them that I thought it must have been a bad dream. At some point one of them made the comment, “Look at her eyes – it’s like she’s not even there.” Instead of this being a red flag, along with everything else, everyone just went with it.
For the next 8 years, I was sexually harassed and threatened by my stepfather on a constant basis. I told my mom every single time he said something. Looking back on it, I wonder if that’s why it didn’t go further – I’m sure he knew I would tell and that would be the end of everything.
They divorced when I was 17 after he physically assaulted me for interrupting a conversation about family scripture study. (He had physically abused me and my brothers before this, but this time was more severe and he kicked me out of the house. He later took it back, but I refused to come home.)
Fast forward 16 years to now… 2 years ago I divorced my husband of 10 years (and father of our 2 daughters) who cheated on me and refused to be 100% honest so we could work through it. I’ve managed to deal with that situation beautifully (the ability to compartmentalize has been incredibly helpful) and we remain good friends and coparent well together. We both come from messed up backgrounds, so the likelihood of that working was not high. A year ago, I got remarried to a man who I truly believe is a wonderful man. He is kind to me, he is kind to my children. He’s actually pretty much kind to everyone and tries to help wherever he can. He listens to me and supports me. We’ve gone through our share of first year hardships but things are consistently getting better with communication, etc.
The biggest problem I find at this point is that just his existence is a massive trigger for me. Everything was fine until we got married and he became the “stepdad”. I have had a horrible time – I feel numb about 99% of the time and when I phase out of the numbness, all I feel is anxious. I’m afraid he will hurt my kids. Not because he has ever given me any reason to think this – he has heard everything I went through, he has sat and had talks with the kids about appropriate touching and told them both that if anyone ever does anything to them to tell me – no matter what that person says. There’s really nothing else he could do to reassure me.
So that’s where I’m currently at with things. I want to work through this and feel safe with him again. I want to feel happy, but I am triggered almost nonstop just be every day things – him getting home from work is a big one. Anytime he is the least bit stressed or sounds the tiniest bit impatient with the kids – huge trigger.
It sucks.
Hi, time2heal.
Welcome to my blog! :0)
This is a situation in which a qualified therapist could be helpful. He or she could give you advice for how to ground yourself and work through the triggers.
~ Faith
Thanks, Faith! I have to thank you – that night, after I read about your life, I was just flooded with memories of the things I had gone through… it was really hard, but I made the decision to open up and share the details of my abuse (things I’ve never told anyone, including therapists) with my husband. It took me awhile, but I managed to get it out. I could not believe the level of stress and anxiety that followed it. I think that for survivors of abuse, sometimes the only thing you feel you have control over is what you tell people. And having told everything, I felt like I had no control anymore. That night, I had this amazing experience – I woke up and I felt so sick… I think I was basically trapped in an anxiety attack for hours after telling him. I laid there and I prayed for God to help me – begged him to take it away and I was asking why I had to go through this. I had the thought come to my mind, “Because you need to see that you can.” Not the answer I wanted! LOL Anyway, I finally got up to go to the bathroom – I was so sick, I thought I was going to throw up. But as I was sitting in there, I began to have thought after thought of every strong thing I have done as an adult – every courageous thing I have experienced and overcome, and with every memory, that sick feeling eased. And I realized, I’m not in that position anymore – I’m not at the mercy of some sick and twisted person who has power over me. I have power over me. I know it will take time, but being able to see triggers for what they are – it is making a huge difference.
So thank you for having the courage to share your experience – it is making a difference in people’s lives.
Hi, timetoheal.
Thanks so much for sharing this. :0)
~ Faith