On my blog entry entitled Reframing Process (Challenging Faulty Premises), a reader posted the following comment:
Speaking of friends and reframing, I had an idea for a possible post. You may have already posted abou this, but, since survivors are so used to the people closest to them being abusive it messes with their ability to form healthy relationships. By that I mean many times we are attracted to and attract people who end up exploiting us in some way while we jump through hoop after hoop to be a good friend… that is till we wise up or get some counseling. It really sucks and is just another nasty side effect of abuse. ~ Mia
Yes, this pretty much sums up the first four decades of my life. This is an area of my life that I am working through right now with many tears and is what prompted last week’s series on reframing.
Let’s start with the positive part – The more emotionally healthy you become, the healthier people you will attract into your life. This is not something that you need to practice – it is a natural result of growing into a healthier version of yourself. As you become healthier, other people at a similar level of emotional health will be drawn into your life. I did not seek out any of my current closest friendships – they naturally evolved because we are in similar places. These are people who truly love me and do the things that people do when they love you.
Now for the hard part – I have been kicked in the gut with the realization that the vast majority of relationships in my life that started before therapy were with people who didn’t love me. I only have three exceptions – my sister, one friend from high school, and my child (who was only two when I entered into therapy).
Keep in mind that as an adult, I have been popular in just about any circle I join. I have great social skills (learned through observation), which people like. I am dedicated to whatever cause I am active in, smart, and resourceful. I am also kind, trustworthy, and dependable. When I put my mind to something, I make it happen. These characteristics make me well-liked in any group, whether in the workplace, at my kid’s school, at church, in the neighborhood, etc. If I died tomorrow, my funeral would have a large turn-out.
However, the people I attracted into my life as “friends” and family before healing were as emotionally unhealthy as I was, so they did not have the capacity to love me other than “in their own way” or be real friends. They were attracted to my resourcefulness and what I could do for them (how I could make their lives easier), not to who **I** am, which runs much deeper than what I can do for other people. As soon as I stop “doing” for other people, I don’t hear from them again.
I have finally awakened to this reality about another long-term relationship in my life, and it hurts. I have known the truth for a very long time but chose to continue lying to myself because the alternative was facing the reality that this is another relationship in which I invested deeply but am not loved. Yes, I can tack on the “in his/her own way,” as I have with just about every relationship that started in the first 35+ years in my life, but that is really just a way to soften the blow of facing that I am or was not loved.
Thankfully, because I have “known” this for a long time, I have made changes over the years so that my internal awakening is not noticeable to the other person. As long as I keep doing as I have always done, it appears from the outside that nothing has changed. However, on the inside, I am grieving just how alone and unloved I spent the first 35+ years of my life. (I had also written unwanted, but that is not true. I am wanted for what I DO, just not for who I AM.) This involves grieving as well as pushing through feeling like an idiot for lying to myself for so many years.
I will get through this as I always do. (Sadly, I have been through this reframing process numerous times.) I know that I will find this relationship much less hurtful and frustrating now that we are “on the same page.” I have also thought through what I want out of the relationship and what I am willing to put in. The sad part is that the other person already appears happier in getting what s/he wants without recognizing the loss of me. This is now a relationship of “doing” rather than “being” on my end, which this person prefers. It feels a little silly to grieve the loss of a lie, but it’s still a perceived loss, so I am giving myself room to do this.
Image credit: Hekatekris
I stay away as much as I can from the “they” It is part of my process to blame the relationship not on the us that was the relationship rather the “they” which was or is their part of the relationship.
When blaming others I will often look for people that will blame along with me. Pretty much looking for someone who is blaming also. Not unlike the addict that hangs around with other addicts and talks about those who have not yet seen the light.
Reality is they were in the relationship and so was I. We both brought what we had to the relationship. If I were to label it unhealthy than I have to label myself unhealthy. If it was a relationship that I chose. With those that I did not choose I seem to be more than OK with I did really well given the choices I did not make.
I know I am truly done with the relationship when I can see the good with the bad and it does not really matter as it is in my past.
A good way to study this is to listen to other blame others when a relationship is ending or has ended at least the contact part. There is lots of name calling and it can be heavily guised. I wanted to grow and they did not. They choose to remain unhealthy which means I am better then them. Or it can be overt. They were abusive and that was the only problem, they drank, they loved their job more than me etc. This in no way is meant to insult those who went from one abusive relationship to another or stayed in one as they had no choice. I do not blame anyone who does not simply get out of an abusive relationship as I know it is likely never simple and do not assume I would be able to.
There is a selective process when a person is blaming. Leaving out their part in it. There is a lot of rationalization which can include the “well I was abused so therefore …” My parents were drunks, my parents were repressed etc.
I used to be married and I got unmarried. There is still a little work to do there. I often am asked about it as a prelude to someone telling me how their marriage has lasted so long as a way to draw me into their delusion. I often ask “are there pensions involved.” That usually squashes the attempt to bring me into the delusion. If not I ask are you both financially independent.
The hardest parts of all endings for me is what I call the null. It seems to be hard for many people as they avoid it. I for some reason am attractive to females in the nulls. I am used to it ignore it and they find their next man. If you are forced in to the null as the other person ends the relationship the null seems to be even harder to get to. I suspect and expect that some people live this life and never truly experience the null.
I am on the cusp of being on the cusp of saying good-bye to I am healing. I seem to be moving towards being healthier. (Spare me from those that have choose a healthier life style and want to yap only about that often with Twinkies in the drawer.Smile) To do so I have to go to the null. The thing about nulls is there is no way to tell what is after the null.
I have always pretty much been a loner…not a lot of friends and I have never really been in a dating relationship. The vulnerability of it all just scares me I guess. I did have a group of friends from work that I started hanging around with. We would go out after work, and occasionally take a weekend trip. We ate lunch together every day. There were 2 times that I was helping someone (not in the group) with a question regarding work. We don’t have a set lunch time, so we don’t have to be exact in the time we leave. Both times, the group left for lunch and went to the restaurant without me, and didn’t even let me know they were leaving. I have had abandonment issues my entire life and this just made that worse. After the 2nd time of being left, I stood up for myself. Now no one in the group speaks to me. That was so hard because when someone won’t speak to me I feel like I have done something wrong. I know I am a people pleaser. The problem is that I will make friends with people who need something. Then I work myself to death so they will like me. In the end, they get what they needed, and I am kicked to the curb. What makes me mad is that I do the same thing over and over again. It’s like I will never learn. I say it won’t happen again but it does. I just can’t stand to see people in need. I hope eventually I will learn.
I once heard a quote that said, “everybody uses everybody” and I never forgot that. Really, that is all any of us are doing. We need a relationship, we find someone that fits. For the abused, we are (albeit unconsciously) using “unhealthy” relationships to try and correct a inner need.
If you really look closely, and are honest about it, you will see that simple statement is truest.
I hate hate all the new terminology about “healthy” and “unhealthy” people, because it perpetuates prejudice and lessons human compassion. It is dehumanizing.
But I do believe it iris necessary to be careful who we befriend, and many times, we must seperate ourselves from certain people because the relationship is not helping but rather hurting or harming.
Hey Heavenlyplaces,
I agree with you to a point about the using other than that is all we are doing. I also feel it is important that with some people that is all they are doing. They really believe that the world exists for them.
I will use teachers as an example. Most teachers like being a teacher some like teaching. The few good teachers I know really feel and live that they are lucky to have the opportunity to teach. As with many public employees they do not get they are very very well paid. With the good ones that is just ignorant. Most public employees believe that the public is lucky to have them rather than understand they are employees by the public.
I have just found this same dynamic to be true with non-profits. I have known forever than little money usually goes to the cause and just found out the big trick is to call fund raising and pretty much everything else education. I knew that most non-profit employees did not work a real 40 hour week. I just found out how over paid they are.
Yeah, I guess that is a very broad and sweeping statement.
[...] Comments « Using Discernment on the Relationships in Your Life [...]
I think this is a really tough aspect of healing. It just plain is. And like most parts of the healing process, I’m not sure it’s ever over, but it does get better. It has gotten better for me. I can spot those red flags a mile away now. I don’t always listen, but I also proceed with caution, knowing that while I am interested in something about this person, I will only let them in so far… till I am certain that they are not going to drag me into the same mess I had been in for years.
Good luck Faith. I’m sending you wishes for clarity and peace.
mia
My heart goes out to you for experiencing this realization. It is so painful. I’m dealing with some tough stuff right now but refuse to think about this. I have to have faith in love and not critically examine it, probably because I know what I would find.