After I wrote yesterday’s blog entry, I kept thinking about the differences between want, need, and love. Meatloaf even had a song about this topic:
I want you,
I need you
But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you.
But don’t be sad,
‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad.
I think that American society (and likely other societies as well) have confused “love” with “want,” but they are two different things. I have no question that the person in my life involved in my current reframing both wants and needs me very much, but neither “want” nor “need” is “love.”
If I want someone, I desire to have him or her in my life for some reason. In American culture, “want” is frequently associated with wanting what the other person can give you, which can be anything from sex, connections, or money to companionship or camaraderie. Wanting someone isn’t really “good” or “bad” – it just “is.” The problem is that many people confuse “want” with “love,” which can cause frustration for both parties when they are seeking different things.
“Wanting” without “loving” doesn’t have to be a “bad” thing as long as you are both on the same page. As an example, if I want your companionship but don’t love you, then I’ll seek out your companionship as long as it is meeting my needs, but I am not going to make an effort to understand your needs beyond the boundaries of our relationship.
As an example, this dynamic would describe many of my relationships with members of the Parent Teacher Association (PTA). I wanted their help in putting together PTA-sponsored events, but I did not love any of them, nor did they love me. We understood that we were working together for a common goal and sincerely enjoyed one another’s company, but when the event was over, so was the relationship. Nobody was hurt because we all knew this was a relationship based on want (and in some cases need) without love.
The problem with the want/need confusion mostly comes into play (at least in my life) in relationships that I think are closer than they are. Many women are too free with the term “friend” when they really mean “acquaintance,” which has hurt me numerous times before and in the early stages of healing. I loved my friends, but my acquaintances/“friends” did not reciprocate that love, which caused me a lot of heartache. I couldn’t understand why my friends didn’t treat me as someone who loved me. I had to face that they didn’t: they were acquaintances who wanted me – and sometimes even needed me – but did not love me.
This is an issue in many long-term romantic relationships as well. I will see couples separate and one will pursue the other whole-heartedly, declaring his or her love over and over again despite the fact that the other feels unloved. In many cases (but not all), the truth is that despite all of the energy going into the pursuit to hold the relationship together, it’s about “want” and not “love.”
How do I tell the difference between “want” and “love?” More tomorrow…
Image credit: Hekatekris
Faith,
You are so right
I (or my sick mind) wanted them [for sex], but I loved only my husband.
Love means different things for each person. There is the love of a friend, the love of a best friend, a lover, your children, and your spouse.As we determine what label we have assigned to each relationship, we discover that the label has attached to it our expectations of what that relationship should feel like and what the other person should and should not do in the context of the relationship.
Once you understand what niche you have placed that particular person into you will know what expectations you have attached to that person. What you may discover is that your “best friend” doesn’t act like your definition of a best friend. That doesn’t negate the love and affection your friend has for you. They are simply giving all they have to give.It could be that, yes, that is all they have to give to you. They may have what you consider to be more meaningful relationships with others – or another; even the type of relationship that you long to have with them, but they do not have that same reciprocity with you.
At this point you can choose to either re-frame your context of the relationship or determine that you no longer want that person in your life. You can never make another person relate to you in the way you want them to. You can not change yourself to make yourself into the type of person who they will relate to the way you want them to. Nor can you get them to change into the type of person who will relate to you in the way you want to them to.
Shortly said, you can not force yourself or another into your assigned relationship niche.
Spouses and lovers carry with them a higher level of expectation. You have to understand and accept the person with whom you’ve bedded down. After some years of time together you may discover that they do not, and never have fulfilled your expectations. At this point you can decide to either redefine you expectations, or find a way to fulfill the lack in another way.
True! “At this point you can decide to either redefine you expectations, or find a way to fulfill the lack in another way.” I think to be happy with your marriage or other relationship, both are in order. You have to communicate what your love-language is to your spouse and you have to put the effort in communicating their love-language as well. And then do your best to fulfill the lack in another way that is healthy.
Love is not a feeling, but a choice and an action and your inner principals will help you decide whether or not to continue to put the effort into a particular relationship or not.
Heavenlyplaces,
“Love language”. I like it.
Youcanwork,
I would apply that theory only to a employee/employer employer/employee relationship and then only when needed as the relationship is not working.
Well said. That is what it takes to complete the circle of a fulfilling relationship. I agree that whether or not you want to maintain a relationship is a choice; however, how you feel is vitally important. If it an’t got that swing, baby, it ain’t got a thing.
More specifically speaking to Faith’s dilemma of what to do when you discover that you have formed a relationship based on the unhealthy relationship demands you had when still in a state of denial about past trauma – be it amnesia, DID, or as full blown multiples.
All people evolve and change over the course of their lives. If you know something about yourself now that you did not know before, and that knowing completely shifts your perspective on your life, your needs, and even on what you are willing to put into a relationship and what you now know you must have in return. It may be time to renegotiate the contract.
Once you tell the person that your old way of interacting is no longer working for you, you may discover that they are not willing to let go of the old you (the one who gave them what they wanted) and have no plan to embrace the new you (the one who now wants something new from them and has new boundaries), even half heartedly.I suggest you “let it sit” while you continue on with you plan to conduct yourself in this new way that feels more authentic for you and give them time to decide to re-accommodate themselves to their new situation. As things settle out it will become clear to you both whether or not this relationship can go forward with the new rules. It is not necessary to outline “rules”, your new definition of yourself will create those rules as surely as if they had been printed out. You may encounter some consternation and even outrage as their needs are not being met.
This takes us back to needs versus wants. Well he/she doesn’t need you to trim his/her toenails. He may want you to continue doing it, but – sorry my clipper is out of service.
My experience in this area tells me one of two things will probably happen. He’ll start negotiating. With a back rub. With gifts. Suddenly telling you your hair looks really petty today.In which case, don’t get sucked in and go back to your old pleasing ways because you’re so damn happy to be noticed. Wait.
Tell him his hair looks really pretty today too.
Just wait. He may start clipping his own toenails.
Wait.
But most likely he’ll begin to make an effort to fill that need that you’e told him you have. You may never get your golden shiny perfect other. But you may discover his willingness and efforts to give you what you need beat the heck out of a bright new penny. And you may also discover that part of you does like clipping them there big ol toenails after all – cause he’s so damn grateful.
You may discover that he does love you. Deeply. He just doesn’t always express it the way you would like.
Michael,
When I use the word contract, I’m referring to that unspoken agreement between two people that defines how they relate to each other.
Years ago I had a best friend with whom the unspoken agreement (contract) was that she had unrestricted access to me and my life, and that she would always be available to me and put me first in her hierarchy of importance.
Then I had a child. Suddenly our definitions of what the relationship was shifted. She expected the full and open access to extend to my child. I was no longer #1, now my daughter was. When my daughter was three K told my daughter, KT, that she, K, was her other mother. KT didn’t have to listen to what I told her, because she, K, was really the one who made the rules.
K was not my female significant other and we did not live together. I was married but our long term friendship had not changed over the course of many years.
I found this unacceptable. Clearly the dynamics (unstated contract) had changed for both of us. It was unresolveable and we parted ways.
Now almost 25 years later I have re-established tentative contact with K only to discover 25 years have not altered her perception of the unstated relationship contract.
Youcanwork,
I am familiar with the concept/theory and its use/application. It just is not applicable to my important relationships in a meaningful way. It is not that the dynamic does not exist just my relationships are in a way more complicated and in a way more simplistic. One one level I simply love and be loved and to get to that level requires effort this type of analysis is not meaningful.
It for me is kinda like the day after the big game everyone knows why it was lost when the reality is those that played the game do not truly know why they won or lost It is to complicated. This does not make the analysis incorrect just not meaningful.
Pretty much the odds of someone telling my children they are there the other father was nil, that my children would buy into niler still. In the off chance it happened I would need no analysis.
For me it is really a matter of it was a simple as you describe it would not be a problem for me. Just not an important part of my important relationships. Perhaps as that part of relationships has always been intrinsic to me for what ever reason.
Oh wow. You have explained what I have been struggling with so much the past couple years. I truly appreciate that. It’s so very helpful to us as a whole too. Too many of us consider “want” as “love” and pursue, pursure, pursue. It ends up backing me into a corner when I’m confronted with what feels like a sudden severing of a connection, even though it has been deteriorating for a long time.
I’m not sure if any of that made sense to anyone but me, but it was important to get out.
I’m a new follower, but your blog is such an inspiration on our own path to being a healthier functioning person.
-Kit
I think this is a major issue for abuse survivors, especially SA survivors. It makes perfect sense when you consider that most times their primary care takers were either using them or allowing it to happen or not noticing or addressing that something was wrong. How could we possibly know how to build healthy relationships and boundaries without getting our hearts stomped on a few million times along the way?
I still struggle with this issue at times, but I mostly don’t make too many new friends that I become very close with right away. Maybe over time it happens organically if they do not violate my boundaries or show any other red flags… but mostly, I have a couple of good friends and that’s pretty much it for me.
Good luck Faith. Great post.
m
HA!!! I just read yesterday’s post! I have just repeated myself!!!
My apologies. I missed yesterday for some reason. 🙂
[…] Comments « Want, Need, and Love […]
Need: You NEED food, water, and enough shelter from the environment to survive.
Everything else is a want.
I learned that in survival training.
It was that training which made me doubt the NEED for love, society, company, family, friends – all those basic emotional WANTS which lead to a happier life.
We WANT to be happy. We NEED to survive. You cannot have one without another.
I that where human happiness is concerned, you NEED to have something else . . . something special. True happiness does not rely on needs and wants or love or social interaction or anything like that. True happiness only comes from within. It does not rely on the world to make it. I learned that from watching a beggar in India.
That a child ‘needs’ love to grow up to be a healthy human being, and NEEDS friends and social interaction to become a happy (or at least somewhat contented) mentally healthy human being – I have no doubt.
But when it comes down to real needs – well, see that first sentence there. I’ve been there and done that and know it’s true. After all, you can’t “need” or “want” anything if you’re not there.
Hey Jeffsong,
I agree with you. To deal with the world I really hear if you are not trying to survive than you need …. Or you need …. to ….
It is hard to have lived that. To know that when someone says Art is not a Luxury they have no clue. It is hard to live how fragile the human body really is. It is hard to live that if a psychopath chooses you to die you are dead. Every person is alive as someone else has not chosen that you do not. Hardest to live is I have the capacity to kill. Everyone does they just to not have to live it. I often wonder if that I understand this makes it less likely that I will kill. No way of knowing.
The reason my abusers are alive and I am alive is neither of us has chosen different.
I have a hard time with the term survivor. Comes from loving those that did not. They reason they did not and I did is fate. Simple as that.
While I am at it you will know if I am suicidal. I will be dead it is not that difficult and I will not fail. No one will prevent it other than me. How the mental heath field fails to grasp that concept is beyond me. I can see people who have never known death caused by others not getting it. You think after a while the mental heath field would be able to figure it out with study.
While I am at it you do not need human contact to survive. The body will survive for years I have seen it and experienced it for months.
Hi, Michael.
Re: suicidal patients and mental health professionals — We are so on the same page with our bafflement over T’s failure to grasp that it is a patient’s choice to live or die. My T would do the, “Let’s make a contract that you won’t try to commit suicide without doing X, Y, and Z.” I thought it was the biggest joke (perhaps it’s the lawyer in me). Really, what is his recourse if I break our contract — sue me? LOL
I am alive because I choose to be alive. I have struggled with suicidal urges too many times to count, but I did not succumb, and it had NOTHING WHATSOEVER with a “contract” or “honor.” It was a choice, and it was MY choice.
I really respected Martha Stout when she wrote in “The Myth of Sanity” that she did not do those types of “contracts” with her patients. She respected that it is her patients’ choice whether to live or die. If they choose to live, she is there to help them heal. If they choose to die, she will be saddened, but she respects that it is their choice. I wonder how many of her patients chose to live, in part, because of this philosophy??
~ Faith