How do you heal from childhood abuse? While there are many steps involved, I can sum them all up in one sentence: Learn how to love yourself. That’s it. It really is that simple. Unfortunately, simple does not necessarily mean easy.
Learning how to love myself was truly the hardest thing that I have ever done. Since I was a toddler, I was programmed to hate myself. I saw myself through my abusers’ eyes, and what I saw was ugly and reprehensible. What was there to love?
Each one of us is precious. We each have a piece of the divine inside of us. We deserve to love and be loved just because of who we are. We do not have to earn our place at the table of life: There is already a place waiting for us. No matter what your abusers told you, this is the truth. Healing is about removing all of the lies and reaching the place where you see this truth for yourself.
So, how do you get there? There is a Cherokee Legend that provides a lot of wisdom in how to do this:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
– From First People
Each time you choose to think about how worthless you are, you are feeding the evil wolf, but each time you choose to do something compassionate for yourself, you are feeding the good wolf. The one that ultimately wins is the one in which you invest your energy.
One tool I used in learning to love myself was repeating a mantra in my head, “I love you. You are safe. I’m sorry.” These were the three messages that I most needed to hear and the three that I did not believe. So, I said these words to myself repeatedly every single day, even though I did not believe a word of them. As I repeated this mantra, I was feeding the good wolf. In time, by feeding the good wolf these morsels, I slowly grew to believe them. Today, I can honestly say that I do love myself, I do feel safe, and the emotional wounds that needed an apology are healed.
You can do this, too. This is one simple change that requires nothing other than a commitment to saying these words to yourself several times a day. It is okay if you don’t believe them. Your good wolf is starving, so throw him some morsels of energy so he can regain his strength.
Related Topic:
The Guarded Heart of the Abused Adopted Child
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
[…] painful past, the first step is to start feeding your “good wolf.” (See my last post, Healing from Childhood Abuse: Feed the Right Wolf, for an explanation of this […]
[…] toward yourself is your true nature. It is basically the same message as learning how to feed the right wolf. I have come to realize that this was my issue last week when I was struggling with all of the […]
[…] need to be mindful of always feeding the right wolf. My “evil wolf” is still present and waiting for some nourishment so he can take over […]
[…] Healing from Childhood Abuse: Feed the Right Wolf […]
Thanks for sharing your story.
This might come across as rambling but I feel that I have to post this comment. While my childhood abuse was not of a sexual nature (it was physical and emotional abuse), the serendipity that led me to your blog is staggering. I am a procrastinator of the worst sort (if I had higher self-esteem, I might have said “best sort”) and I was reading Neil Fiore’s “The Now Habit”. He mentions Theodore Rubin’s “Compassion and Self-Hate”. Searching for that book (I am a cheapskate and often times, I can find books online for free) led me to your blog. This post literally took my breath away when I attempted to say the mantra aloud to myself. It took me almost 3 minutes before I could say it aloud to myself without breaking down. When I did manage to do it, to say that I feel the clouds parting and the sun shining down on me would be deluding myself. But, I do definitely feel that this might be the start of something good. I had been in therapy for about 18 months until last week. I dont know why but I just decided to quit. It seems that it is a good thing that I did this too, since in the entire 18 months, this therapist never gave me a device to raise my self-esteem as effective as your 3-second mantra. I thank you for it.
Speaking of free books, the Survivor to Thriver Manual is available to for free reading online or as a PDF download at http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php.
Thanks,
-k
[…] However, I know that I am not a fraud. Healing from child abuse is an ongoing process that lasts a lifetime. I am farther along the child abuse healing process than many of you who are reading this blog, so I still have a lot to offer, even when my life is not all sunshine and roses. Also, I continue to remind myself that healing from child abuse is like an upward spiral. Even though I might feel like I am going in circles, I am always moving upward as I heal at deeper and deeper levels. I just need to remember to feed the right wolf. […]
[…] has to do with the Native American story that I shared here. When I am triggered, it is as if someone just fed my “evil wolf” a big, juicy steak. My […]
[…] in the family the week before Christmas is about as much as I can take. I keep reminding myself to feed the right wolf, but it is so hard to once again have to be the strong […]
[…] still have not conquered my monsters. I think my monsters are part of my “evil wolf.” I can starve them, but I never seem to be successful in killing them off […]
[…] I even scare myself sometimes with just how dark I can feel inside. I try to remind myself to feed the right wolf, but even this does not always work fast enough for me. Sometimes I have to commit to staying on […]
[…] Every survivor of child abuse battles conflicting agendas. One agenda is a healthy one – we want to heal from the pain of the past so we can embrace a brighter future. The other agenda is one of survival and self-protection. We resist healing because of our fear. Put another way, we need to learn how to feed the right wolf. […]
[…] get over this in 36 hours, so that was of no comfort to me. I had to hope that trying to feed my good wolf would be enough to get me through this cycle of […]
[…] all gets back to the battle of the wolves going on inside of me (and inside of each of us). I have to feed my good wolf. I do this by taking […]
[…] themes of the book are similar to the parable of the good and evil wolf. The book talks about how we each have a battle going on inside of us between self-compassion and […]
[…] treat yourself to something nice. This gets back to the Compassion versus Self-Hate battle and the feed the right wolf story. Each time you choose to challenge those internal voices and be kind to yourself, you are building […]
[…] you stop fueling your negative thoughts about your body (stop feeding the evil wolf), you can start throwing some morsels to your good wolf. Look for things to like about your body […]
[…] yourself with the truth instead of a lie because the truth ultimately wins. It gets back to the feed the right wolf concept. You can talk yourself into the truth in the same way you talk yourself into a lie, only the truth […]
[…] From there, I had to force myself to stop blaming myself. When guilt or shame would ooze out about what I had been forced to do, I would actively stop it. I would tell myself that I was not responsible for those actions and refuse to put more energy into hating myself over them. I would then replace those thoughts with positive ones, focusing on anything I could to feed the right wolf. […]
[…] myself. In my opinion, the book is really a longer version of the simplified idea provided in the Cherokee Legend of two wolves. I strongly recommend the book but just want to point out that it is (in my opinion) simply a more […]