Suicidal urges are common for abuse survivors. What makes these urges so perplexing is that they are echoes of the past rather than about today, but they feel so ever-present. Even if your life is great today, you might still feel a cloud of despair surrounding you that makes your life feel empty.
Suicidal urges are often misunderstood by the general public. The general public often sees suicide as a final “up yours” to the rest of the world. While this might be the thought process for some, the vast majority of abuse survivors consider suicide as a way out of the pain. They are in such an enormous amount of emotional pain that they are willing to do anything, even die, to make the pain stop. Because suicidal urges are frequently about stopping the pain, they really are a coping mechanism of sorts, albeit an extreme and permanent one.
If you are struggling with suicidal urges, try to remember that all feelings are temporary. Yes, you might be getting waves of very deep emotional pain, but the waves do subside. You will not always feel as dreadfully as you do in this moment. If you can just find a way to get through the moment, then the pain will ease, and you will be relieved that you did not take your own life.
If you are feeling suicidal, talk to someone about it. Go to Isurvive and post about your feelings. Better yet, go into Live Chat and talk to someone about how you are feeling. Lori, the board owner, has a toll-free number that you can call 24 hours a day. Call a friend. Write down your feelings. If you can just get through this moment, the pain will ease.
The more you can lean on more positive coping tools, the better able you will be to manage the pain when the suicidal urges hit. See Positive Coping Tools for Healing from Childhood Abuse for a list of positive coping tools.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I wanted to “be dead” for a long time after my baby girl almost eighteen years ago. The daily (almost minute by minute) grief was unbearable. I hoped I would just not wake up or someone would crash into me when I was alone in the car and I would be killed instantly. Something fast and painless. Then I felt horribly guilty because I knew that my three living children needed me.
typo correction on above post: “after my baby girl was stillborn”
I am so sorry that you lost your daughter. I cannot even imagine how painful that must have been. Yes, I understand the desire to leave this earth to end pain. I am grateful that I no longer feel that way.
– Faith
[…] Aftereffects of Childhood Abuse: Suicidal Urges […]
I came to a decision tonight. Whether its now or 20 yrs from now I cant say but FINALLY I have decided:)
Letting go of self destruction is nigh impossible. If I cannot have what it is I desire my rage erupts but my anger is impotent. I am not a king and I cannot command my desires. I rot in self pity with suicidal thoughts.
I must change for my future but I know not how. Negative thoughts burden my mind, not allowing rational thoughts. The wrong choice seems unattractive yet perfect. Tonight is a dreary night; a very good night for the choice.
Every aspect of my life has been ruined. The self destruction is almost complete and I feel no joy or sadness. I feel like blue. I am solid, strong and secure.
I choose death.
Hi, onedadslife.
If you read this, please talk with a therapist about how you are feeling. These are echoes from your past — not your present. You can also talk 24/7 with someone at http://www.isurvive.org.
– Faith