Archive for January 2nd, 2008

Man Looking Out Over Ocean (c) Lynda Bernhardt

The stretch of time from Halloween through New Year’s Day has always been a challenge for me. I have so many bad memories that surface, and I just feel icky during this entire time of the year. I succeeded in avoiding depression, but I have certainly not been happy.

I am a stay-at-home mom, so the two weeks that my kid is out of school can get challenging. As much as I love him, I need a break from parenting at times. I also need quiet time in my house alone so I can do my “job” of dusting, cleaning, organizing, etc., but I have not had that time available for two weeks now. More importantly, I need down time in which I can just be myself without having to tend to everyone else’s needs.

The last couple of days have been challenging. I have already about reached my limit in how much family time that I can stand, and now hub is sick. He came home from work on Monday running a fever, and he spent most of Tuesday in bed. So, instead of him spending time with our son so I could get a break, all parenting fell on me. I feel spent.

Last year, I probably would have spent those two days feeling completely miserable, but I managed to get through them this year feeling more in a funk and annoyed than anything. I know that hub did not purposely get sick, and I know that my son is not trying to get on my last nerve. This is not about them – it is about me and my need for some alone time.

Just recognizing my need for alone time is huge for me. I used to crowd my time with appointments so I would not have a moment of down time in which my mind could go toward places where I did not want to go. Now I crave alone time. I need time in which I am not taking care of everyone else. I need time in which I can just be me.

Hopefully, hub will go to work this morning or, if not, spend a good part of the day in bed. My kid is off to camp, so that will (hopefully) free me up to do some things around the house. I really want to get the Christmas stuff put away so I can stop facing those painful triggers until next Christmas.

Also, I just need some silence. I crave it. I miss being able to focus on what is around me without having to deal with the noise and needs of everyone else. Two years ago, I would have laughed at the thought of me ever wanting silence and alone time. Now, I appreciate how important it is.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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