In my last few posts, I have been discussing healing from degrading abuses that generate an enormous amount of shame. One such type of abuse is sexual abuse by an abuser of the same sex. While child abuse is about power and dominating a child, there is something more sinister about experiencing abuse by a member of the same sex.
Sexual abuse by a person of the same sex can cause a person to question his or her sexual identity. This is particular difficult when the child’s body responded to the sexual stimulation involved in the abuse. The person might believe that because the body responded with pleasurable sensations, he or she must have liked it. This is not the case. If anything, having your body respond to sexual stimulation during sexual abuse only makes the abuse that much worse because it feels as if your own body is betraying you.
The human body is wired to respond favorably to sexual stimulation. Whether a woman or a man stimulated your body, your body only responded as it was designed to respond. Just because your body responded to the sexual stimulation from the abuse does not mean that you wanted it or that it was okay. Your body’s response is not “worse” because your abuser happened to be a member of the same sex. Your body’s response had nothing to do with sexual desire. A child’s sexual responses should never have been awakened by a man or a woman.
People who have been sexually abused by a member of the same sex often struggle with additional shame. They fear how others will receive this information. They worry that people will assume that they must have homosexual tendencies because of the abuse. Your sexual orientation is separate from the abuse, and you are not destined to be either heterosexual or homosexual based upon the gender of your abuser.
Many women struggle with abuse by women because they fear that they will not be believed. Society has reluctantly accepted that some men sexually abuse children, but female abusers get very little press. Unfortunately, women abuse children, too. See my series on mother-daughter sexual abuse for more on that topic.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
My fiance has recently been caught with profile on a gay erotic chatline… i am devestated- he claims he is straight and doesnt actually want to be with another man. he was abused by someone of the same sex at age 6 and age 15. he began to think that any attention was good attention. he doesnt want it to affect his life, but i told him that i will not accept him masterbating in front of a webcam as he talks erotically about another man’s penis on the phone……. he has agreed and says he will never do it again. even agreed to let me snoop and put snoopware on his computer if i wanted.
My question i suppose is, how do i get past the fact that he was sexually aroused by a man and that he said those things to a man? I understand why he thinks men are easier to get attention from, but i love him very much and i am up to anything sexually and he knows that too… we are going to seek counseling soon. Is there any advice? I just dont know how to get this all out of my mind. i want to move on with him but its so hard to get past those thoughts of him with a man. not the abuse as a child, but his behaviour with the gay profile… i want to be with him and i believe most of what he says even though he has been lying for years. please..any help or advice keeping in mind i want to stay with him and still plan on getting married.
thanks.. and even if no one replies.. nice to get this off my chest, hard to talk about this with anyone..
I am glad that you found a place to talk about this issue.
I would definitely go to couple’s counseling before marrying him. The fact that your fiance has been active on a gay erotic chatline is a huge red flag. This does not make him a bad person, but it could mean that he is not ready to commit to a lifetime of being faithful to a woman. You do not want to start a family and then have your family break apart because your husband realizes that he is gay and wants to be with a man. That is a tough issue to explain to children. It is better to work through this issue now.
You also said that he has been lying for years. That is another red flag. Marriage is hard enough when you can trust the other person. If he has a history of lying, you might want to consider whether you can trust him in a marriage. I would definitely discuss this in couple’s counseling as well.
Take care,
– Faith
Thank you so much for responding. I am really confused and dont know what to think. When i say he has been lying for years, its is only about the gay chat, other than that he has always been trustworthy and considerate. I feel like if I were in his shoes, that I would have been very ashamed to speak about this attraction that i am not proud of. I would have been afraid that he would have left me, so I understand his secrecy. He did not want to tell me about it because he said he had decided to not let it be a part of his life, but he didnt realize how much it really was affecting him. I really do believe that he isnt gay, but I cant help questioning his sexual scripts or expectations or attractions.
My husband was married before. He was with this person for about 15 years. He says he only started the gay chatline thing when thier marriage was falling apart. She knew about his abusive past, but had no idea had it had affected him.
I want to believe him when he says he does not want to be with men and that the thought of actually being with another man disgusts him. how can i believe this when talking about being with another man “gets him off”? I want to believe that many people are turned on by things they deam innappropriate and they feel shame about it, and if they could change it, they would.
Counseling cant change someone’s sexual history. Can someone choose thier sexual future? What I hate is that there are little signs of homosexuality every once in a while, plus he uses the word fag as an insult, which i have now pretty much ordered him to stop doing.
First counseling session tomorrow. He says he wants to find out what triggers this longing for easy attention. he says he doesnt go to women chatlines because they are not pigs and arent as easy to pick up and arent attracted to him…. i have so many questions myself. he says he isnt going there to find out if he’s gay because he knows he’s not. he wants to learn why he feels that way and when. He also needs a huge ego boost..he thinks very lowly of himself and, i think a big issue is that he is not scared of what strangers think of his body, but he is scared i dont/wont like it… even though i tell him the opposite all the time.
Again… thank you so much for writing a reply- you are the first person i have told… i need so badly to talk to someone about this, the only person i have is him and he isnt handling hearing all of my worries and thoughts very well.. although he is trying very hard and hasnt left or ignored me…he even says he would love to have that spy stuff on his computer for the rest of his life because he is so sure and wants me to be sure my whole life that it will never happen again…
i’m sorry… i know this is a long one… just thank you again- it feels so great to be able to talk to someone.
take care
The fact that your fiance started the chat thing when his marriage was falling apart makes me wonder if the chat line is about harming himself — as if he is recreating the abuse to “punish” himself as part of the stress. That might be something for him to explore in therapy.
I am glad that you are going to counseling together. You will have a much healthier marriage if both of you enter into it as healthy people.
Take care,
– Faith
thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your words and thoughts.
today was our first counseling session. It went well even though i was bursting at the seams and wanting to say everything all at once… it went well. I’m happy that we have started this, and i’m confident it will work out for us. Unfortunately, women in my situation battle with the inevitable, “but you dont know him”, and thats always true. Facts are facts too… but I am by far a push over, I never imagined myself in this situation, but instead of putting my foot down and saying some speech and walking away, justifiably, i am wanting to stay, wanting to understand, and still so much in love.
1st counseling sessions, even though she gave us an extr 20minutes… are never long enough.
thank you for listening,
Ha, NOT a push over, and NOT a freudian slip, i hope.
oy..
Hi..
Well we have had 2 counseling sessions so far. Its helping a lot, yet i still struggle a lot with the memories and what ifs.. what if i hadnt caught him, why did he do it, what did he like about it, and is it something that he can “easily” not do again… are we on the same page with sexuality..not which sides of the team we are on, but what turns us on, what is sexual, what is ok, acceptable…. my mind is full. We are working on this and i am optimistic and,,, i love him so much. There is a reason i wanted to marry him, and if i wasnt serious about it, this would be the “perfect way out” but.. i am serious about him and i. and i am the first person who knows this secret, i am the first person who has decided to love him despite anything.. i am ok with that, i just hope my love and eventual gain of trust is rewarded with honesty and.. well, him not doing what he did again..
thanks for listening
I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn’t a neighbor, a coach, a relative, a family friend or teacher. It was a recidivist pedophile predator who spent time in prison for previous sex crimes; an animal hunting for victims in the quiet, bucolic, suburban neighborhoods of Lincoln, Rhode Island.
I was able to identify the guy and the car he was driving. Although he was arrested that night and indicted a few months later, he never went to trial. His trial never took place because he was brutally beaten to death in Providence before his court date. 34 years later, no one has ever been charged with the crime.
In the time between the night of my assault and the night he was murdered, I lived in fear. I was afraid he was still around town. Afraid he was looking for me. Afraid he would track me down and kill me. The fear didn’t go away when he was murdered. Although he was no longer a threat, the simple life and innocence of a 14-year-old boy was gone forever. Carefree childhood thoughts replaced with the unrelenting realization that my world wasn’t a safe place. My peace shattered by a horrific criminal act of sexual violence.
Over the past 34 years, I’ve been haunted by horrible, recurring memories of what he did to me. He visits me in my sleep. There have been dreams–nightmares actually–dozens of them, sweat inducing, yelling-in-my-sleep nightmares filled with images and emotions as real as they were when it actually happened. It doesn’t get easier over time. Long dead, he still visits me, silently sneaking up from out of nowhere when I least expect it. From the grave, he sits by my side on the couch every time the evening news reports a child abduction or sex crime. I don’t watch America’s Most Wanted or Law and Order SVU, because the stories are a catalyst, triggering long suppressed emotions, feelings, memories, fear and horror. Real life horror stories rip painful suppressed memories out from where they hide, from that recessed place in my brain that stores dark, dangerous, horrible memories. It happened when William Bonin confessed to abducting, raping and murdering 14 boys in California; when Jesse Timmendequas raped and murdered Megan Kanka in New Jersey; when Ben Ownby, missing for four days, and Shawn Hornbeck, missing for four years, were recovered in Missouri.
Despite what happened that night and the constant reminders that continue to haunt me years later, I wouldn’t change what happened. The animal that attacked me was a serial predator, a violent pedophile trolling my neighborhood in Lincoln, Rhode Island looking for young boys. He beat me, raped me, and I stayed alive. I lived to see him arrested, indicted and murdered. It might not have turned out this way if he had grabbed one of my friends or another kid from my neighborhood. Perhaps he’d still be alive. Perhaps there would be dozens of more victims and perhaps he would have progressed to the point of silencing his victims by murdering them.
Out of fear, shame and guilt, I’ve been silent for over three decades, sharing with very few people the story of what happened to me. No more. The silence has to end. The fear, the shame, the guilt have to go. It’s time to stop keeping this secret from the people closest to me, people I care about, people I love, my long-time friends and my family. It’s time to speak out to raise public awareness of male sexual assault, to let other victims know that they’re not alone and to help victims of rape and violent crime understand that the emotion, fear and memories that may still haunt them are not uncommon to those of us who have shared a similar experience. For those who suffer in silence, I hope my story brings some comfort, strength, peace and hope.
Men in My Town is the story of my abduction, beating and rape and the unsolved brutal murder of the man who attacked me.
Men in My Town by Keith Smith, available now at Amazon.com
For additional information visit the Men in My Town blog at http://www.meninmytown.wordpress.com
Email the author at MenInMyTown@aol.com
Hi, Keith.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you are speaking out so that others will build the courage to follow your lead. I hope that speaking out helps you to slay this emotional demon.
Stranger Abduction Sexual Assault Survivor Keith Smith discusses “Five Steps We Can Take to Keep Kids Safe.” Hear Keith’s live interview on Blog Talk Radio at http://www.tinyurl.com/StepsWeCanTakeToKeepKidsSafe