January has been a rough month for me. I have been feeling overwhelmed. As I posted last week, I even struggled with self-injury one day for the first time in well over a year. I have been feeling such an intensity inside of myself, but I have not been able to identify why.
Yes, I do have a lot going on in my life right now. However, even having too much going on does not explain the level of intensity that I have been facing.
I finally figured out what the problem is. My son turned seven years old recently. I was seven years old when the worst of the abuse happened. Turning seven years old heralded in severe ritual abuse, including the first of many gang rapes and the murder of my beloved dog.
My internal dialogue has been centered around my inability to protect my son. We recently started him on medication for his Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). The medication is working well, but it does have side effects that are now starting to balance out. However, when he had issues the first day, I felt such an overwhelming sense of despair that I started to wonder if I was losing my mind.
Realizing that my son’s birthday is what triggered this reaction in me has been immensely helpful because at least I know that I am sane. I have been overreacting to everything in my life for over a week, and at least I know why. I could even see that I was overreacting but was unable to stop it.
Of course, the next question was what to do about it. I have been trying to nurture the frightened seven-year-old child inside of myself. I also keep telling myself that my son is not me. I had nobody to protect me, but my son has me. I will not let another person harm him in the way I was harmed.
I have actually been able to sleep for the last two nights, which has been a relief. So, I hope I am moving past this part of my healing journey. Even after we heal, we always have residue that will bubble up. This was one of those times.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 