One aftereffect from my abusive childhood that I am not proud of is my ability to lie. I consider myself to be a person of integrity, and I am honest with people about most things in my life. However, when it comes to close relationships (particularly family), lying to avoid conflict comes as naturally as breathing.
Lying is a common aftereffect of child abuse. The abused child wants to placate the abuser so the abuser will not harm her, so she tells the abuser whatever he or she wants to hear. When the abused child becomes an adult, that tendency is still there. The potential of being in conflict with a family member triggers all of the person’s fears from childhood of experiencing abuse for not agreeing with and placating the abuser. It can take a long time for an adult survivor of child abuse to accept that she is no longer in danger for disagreeing with a family member.
I watch television shows like Everybody Loves Raymond or Friends and sit in awe of the ability of the characters to bicker and then still be okay. This is not a lesson that I have learned yet as part of my healing. If I am in conflict with someone I care about, it feels like my world is spinning out of control. My therapist used to tell me that I needed to learn that it is okay to disagree in a relationship and that an argument will not end it. Two people who love each other will come back together and not break apart over one disagreement. While I get that in my head, I have a long way to go before I will get this at a heart level.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Thank you for sharing this….your blog has become a place I visit daily. Sometimes I feel like I could have written what you wrote…It helps to know that I am not the only person who feels this way..
I am so glad that this blog is helping you. That is why I write this blog. I have no ads on it, so I am not making any money by writing it. I just want to offer support to people who are along the same healing journey that I am. I want you to know that you are not alone.
Take care,
– Faith
Wow… I got here by accident, but what you just said explains why I find myself lying to my husband about stupid little things and hiding things from him. I’m trying to avoid any possible conlict, even though he is a calm, rational, totally NON-abusive man!
I just fell on your blog by accident by Googling and for the first time have found some answers to my questions about why my husband lies. I have been trying to understand why he will lie just out of the blue and tell me that he has done something to give me a surprise (which almost never works out in the end, there are always “circumstances” that change), and I was wondering if his mind is conditioned to try to please even when not obliged or asked to. Does this make sense? I will make this short as I have never done this before and have no idea how this blogging works or if you will actually receive this. If you do, please give any suggestion that you might have, I am lost as to what to do as he won’t allow me to meet with his therapist to better understand how he processes things or what I can do to help.
Hi, Just Learning! Welcome to my blog!
If your husband was abused as a child, then his mind might have been conditioned to please others at any cost. If you are the “alpha” in your marriage (the one who takes charge), then he might view you as an “authority figure” and feel a strong compulsion to tell you what you want to hear, even if you have never given him a reason to think this. If so, he has transferred his childhood terror into this relationship.
That being said, he is CHOOSING to lie each and every time he does it, and he is responsible for the consequences of those choices.
When I used to compulsively lie to my husband, I knew it was wrong as I did it, but I did it, anyhow. I felt a compulsion to tell him what he wanted to hear, and it was over really stupid stuff, like lying about paying for my friend’s lunch. (Hub is very tight with money even though we no longer need to be.)
As I have healed, I have come to accept that a disagreement is not going to end my marriage. It is okay for me to disagree with hub and even have an argument with him. For me, that came after having a child and advocating for my son. I was not willing/able to do it for myself.
I no longer compulsively lie to hub. I can be manipulative in how I share information that he is not going to like (such as telling him something right after sex while he is in a good mood), but I don’t lie any more.
You husband can stop the lying, too. He needs to learn that it is okay to assert who he is in the marriage and that it is okay to disagree. He does not need to be passive aggressive in order to stay married to you.
Take care,
– Faith
WOW, thank god for people who are getting this and hopefully can make the life altering changes needed in their life. I have spent weeks in intensive therapy and still I struggle with this issue. The oldest of three girls I grew very fast and falsely empowered. I was to do as I was told and have no opinion about it. I love my parents and know they did the best they knew how to raise us. Still I have no self esteem, confidence, and working on my third relationship. Thank god he is wise and also seeks to be a better human being. Thank you for this blog.
Kimmie
Thank you for your column. My just turned 7 year old daughter was sexually abused by her father and then not believed and forced to live with him. My daughter never had a problem telling the truth before, but now she lies constantly to get out of trouble even when I or someone else was standing right there, she blatantly lies and tries to convince us otherwise. It was very painful and confusing. ( sometimes she would hurt other children) Now I understand why she has been lying. She is trying to avoid conflict as she has had to survive with a sexually abusive parent for 5 months and trying to please him at whatever costs to avoid his abuse. Now I understand.
Thank you