I have an interesting dynamic with my kid. His becoming a toddler was what kicked off the flashbacks of my abuse as a toddler. In my post Triggered by Child’s Birthday, I shared how my son’s 7th birthday set me into a tailspin because my abuse became significantly more severe at age seven.
For whatever reason, a part of myself sees my son as an extension of my inner child. I have to remind myself that he is not me. While I had nobody to protect me as a child, he has me, and I will keep him safe.
Last week, a child in my son’s school lost his mother in a car accident. The child is only five years old and was in the car crash that took his mother’s life. Obviously, anyone with any connection to this family was upset, but my reaction was much stronger than I would have expected, considering that I never met the mother and do not know the child very well. (I tutor the older children in his class but never worked with him.)
I finally realized what my problem was. I have a deep-seated belief that the world is an unsafe place and that I am the only thing standing between my son and severe abuse. Seeing a young boy lose his mother triggered my fears of leaving my son unprotected. Watching a woman around my same age lose her life so suddenly drove home how suddenly I could be taken away from my son. Even though I have no fear of dying, I have an intense fear of leaving my son unprotected.
So, now I am trying to focus on dismantling my incorrect beliefs that were shaped by the abuse I suffered. My son has a very different life than I had. Even if I died tomorrow, he is surrounded by people who love him and who would protect him. Unlike my parents, who chose to hang around with very sick people, I have developed many healthy friendships. I have no question that these friends would look out for my kid. Also, my husband is very different from my parents and would keep our son safe as well.
It never ceases to amaze me that the abuse truly permeated every aspect of my life. I am also always surprised that I continue to heal different parts of myself, even areas that I thought were already healed. There always seems to be a deeper layer that needs attention.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
At almost 38 with 3 children I am seeing the same things you are. I respond much more intensely than I probably should to situations, I am fearful at the park, I feel there is always a plot that could unfold and my kids could be in danger….etc. My abused childhood brings about flashbacks when tending to my children and sometimes I just cry that just when I said I am a survivor….I cry and fall apart….I can’t do my will because I can’t figure who to leave my kids too!!! It has deeply affected my life and though my mom and I are close now, (she used to hit me and numerous boyfriends/husband sexually abused me until I lived in the streets) I sometimes hate her inside and she thinks I need to move on, get past it. It is an internal battle for me…
I am so sorry that you know this pain, too. Yes, it is very hard. I simply cannot die before my son is grown. Period.
Re: your mother — That’s really hard. I am sure that my father would be the same way if he was still alive. (My mother was the abuser in the family.) She wants you to “move on” to let herself off the hook.
Hang in there.
– Faith
“I have a deep-seated belief that the world is an unsafe place and that I am the only thing standing between my son and severe abuse.”
i have this too. how do i stop overprotecting my son???and teach him the world is not a horrible dangerous place?
Hi, Jolson.
Welcome to my blog!
Your question will make a great blog topic! :0)
– Faith
[…] 23, 2011 by faithallen On my blog entry entitled Seeing Own Child as Representative of Inner Child, a reader posted the following comment: how do i stop overprotecting my son???and teach him the […]
Faith,
I had the same reaction when my daughter was very young. I had very few memories of child abuse but i knew I needed to keep her away from my Father. I was a single parent. A neighbor I became friends with who was also a single parent, lapsed into a coma from Kidney failure. I hardly knew her. She had one brother and his wife who stayed by her bedside. I was there by her bedside too and I was driven by the fear of what would happen to my daughter if I died. Her family was so touched by my love and support during her illness. i was so embarrassed when she recovered that I would not go near her or her family again. I am suspecting now but could not understand my feelings then, is that the embarrassment was the shame I have felt and still feel at times as i uncover the massive abuse and trauma that I repressed my whole life. It has only been by finding the right therapist and a strong drive to heal that I have come much closer to fully realizing there was an entire life of severe Abuse that continued into adulthood that I never even knew existed. I know exactly what you mean when you have said in other blog entry’s ” I lost my core self”. I found your blog a little over a year ago and you also helped me begin the recovery process. Thank you!
Songbird