Archive for February 18th, 2008

Purple flowers (c) Lynda BernhardtI have come to the realization that I still do not love my body. My feelings toward my body became distorted after a childhood filled with child abuse. I used to hate my body, but no longer feel that way. I believed that the absence of hatred was the same thing as loving my body, but I am realizing that it is not. While the cessation of hating my body was a huge positive step, it was not enough. I still need to learn to love my body.

I have stopped having negative thoughts to deride my body, and that was a huge step for me. I do practice yoga on a regular basis, although it has been more intermittent of late. I cannot even tell you why because I feel so much better whenever I commit to doing yoga every single day.

I see the lack of love toward my body in the little things. I will disregard my body’s need to use the bathroom while I focus on other things, even when there really is no good reason to wait to use the bathroom. I will eat foods that are tasty but not very nutritious, even when I have tasty healthier foods sitting the refrigerator. I will stay up past my bedtime for no real reason – just to do it.

None of these things is earth shattering. It is not as if I have a death wish or anything. In most respects, I treat my body much better than I used to. Nevertheless, stopping being harmful is not the same thing as showing love. It is a step in the right direction, but it is not love.

So, I am going to try A-G-A-I-N to be more loving toward my body. My body really has served me well. I am in much better physical shape than I probably deserve to be in light of the things my body has endured, both from my abusers and from me.

In the past, one thing that has worked for me is to think of my body as my child – as an entity separate from myself. If I would not let my child do something to his own body, then I should not let myself treat my own body that way. I will try that again and see how it goes.

Related Topic:

How to Love Body After Childhood Abuse

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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