I have received so much positive feedback about my series on Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) that I have decided to continue writing on this topic. I have received comments and questions about integration.
I went back through my journal and found something I posted on Isurvive back in July of 2005. I had recently recovered the memory of being vaginally raped by a man, and that was the truth that I had most deeply repressed. Since I started healing in November 2003, I had told myself that I could handle any memory that came along as long as I was never vaginally raped. I had recovered quite a few traumatizing memories, but I was not ready to face that truth.
When I finally did face that even this was taken from me, I took it very hard. My host personality was inconsolable because I had built my identity (my identity = the host personality’s identity) around being a virgin until marriage. However, once I accepted this truth, I no longer had a reason to keep the host personality separate. I was ready to integrate.
The post was very long, so I will post a little each day. It will take four days to read through all of it. I hope what I recorded back then will be helpful to those of you who are struggling with DID and questioning what integration will feel like.
What I am about to share is the biggest breakthrough I have had in my healing process. I hope that I can put it into words because I can see where it can be very confusing for someone who isn’t experiencing it.
Before I get started, I have to say something that will affect all future posts. I have been using “Faith Anne” to represent [real first name] [real middle name]. My multiple system has embraced the name “Faith” as “me” – the sum total of the parts. So, from now on, my [real first name] will be referred to as Faye (system likes it because it is close to “fake”). So, here’s the breakdown:
* Faye = [real first name] = host personality who was clueless about the abuse
* Anne = [real middle name]
* Annie = Original soul = inner child who went to sleep
* Faith = The sum total of the parts = core = “me”
As you know, Faye took a huge blow a couple of days ago when she learned that her virginity was taken when she was 8. Faye has been inconsolable because being a virgin was such a big part of her identity. This is because this is what the multiple system needed her to think. Faye had an important role to play. She was the “host personality” – the one who was “out” whenever there was no abuse occurring. The system’s and body’s survival depended upon having an innocent personality who interacted with the world when the body wasn’t being abused. Faye was a virgin all along – she was never “out” when the abuse occurred. Her first time really was with her husband.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt