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Archive for March 18th, 2008

Green plant (c) Lynda BernhardtHub found an old mixed tape of mine in his car. Technically, it is a “mixed CD,” but I don’t think people actually call it that. Anyhow, my sister burned this CD for me of songs I selected back in the early aughts (Is that what we call this time period?? Or early 00’s?? Let’s say around 2002.) The point is that I chose these songs before I started healing from my history of child abuse.

As I listened to the CD, I was struck by the melancholy undertone of most of the songs. I was also struck by the repeating messages throughout the songs. Most of the songs talked about yearning for understanding and a safe place to fall when the rest of the world is not there for you. I used to listen to this CD all the time, and it felt “right” because I was always so melancholy. Now it no longer fits because I am no longer in that place. I still like many of the songs, but listening to them back-to-back was too much. I don’t want to be that bummed out any longer.

So, I guess that is further proof of how much I have grown and changed over the past several years. I tend to focus on how far I have to go and forget to look back and acknowledge how far I have come.

Another way I can see amazing progress is by looking at my driver’s license. I am due to renew it this year, so the picture is old. It was taken back in 2003, soon after I started recovering memories of the abuse. I have changed so much since then that one person who saw my driver’s license asked if I was in the witness protection program. My hair was much longer, with fuller bangs that hid my face. But the real difference is in my eyes. You can see the fear there, and that fear is now gone.

Sometimes we need to look back to recognize just how far we have come.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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