Archive for March 19th, 2008

Spider web (c) Lynda BernhardtI have written quite a bit about mother-daughter sexual abuse and specifically about my confused feelings toward my mother. I have neither seen nor talked to my mother since December 2003 (by my choice). My mother would like to change this, but I am not ready. Honestly, I don’t know if I will ever be ready.

I have worked out a system where my mother may write to me monthly as long as she keeps the subject about day-to-day stuff and not about the past. I don’t want to have to read yet another apology for not being my Brownie scout leader when that is insignificant compared to the massive abuses she inflicted and allowed others to inflict upon me. Until she “gets” how badly she damaged me, I really do not think I can invest any energy into a relationship with her.

I am also at a loss as to why I would want to other than that “she’s my mom.” So what? Her being my mom did not make her protect me or nurture me. So, of what value would it be to bring her back into my life? I get that she would feel better about herself and less like a “bad mom,” but I fail to see the value that this would bring into my life. I am doing well without her in my life, so why would I want to change this?

Anyhow, my sister is still in touch with our mother, even though she suffered the same abuses that I did. My sister’s opinion is that nothing should drive a child away from a mother and that no person, not even our mother, deserves to be alone. My estrangement from my mother can be uncomfortable for my sister at times, but that is her issue, not mine.

My mother told my sister that she wanted to see me again. My mother has tried different tactics, including ceasing to write in the hopes that I will pick up the phone and call her. She has telephoned me one time regarding a medical question. Thank goodness I was not home and only heard the message on the answering machine because her call triggered a food binge. She periodically writes to ask if we can talk things through. The answer is no – not until she takes responsibility for her actions. Until she does this, there is no point in talking about stuff that doesn’t matter.

So, a few weeks ago, my mother told my sister that she was going to try something else. She was going to write a letter that would compel me to call her. Good luck with that. So, it was with trepidation that I opened her latest letter. I know that she cannot “force” me to do anything any more, but I still revert back to that scared little girl whenever I have any form of contact with her, even in a letter. Fortunately, there was nothing significant in the letter. Whew. She told me that she disconnected her phone but sent me her cell number and invited me to call her sometime. I can handle a message like that.

So, I feel like I have dodged a bullet for now. I know that something else will be coming in the future, but I can breathe easy for the moment.

Related Topic:

Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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