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Archive for April 1st, 2008

Microscopic View (c) Lynda Bernhardt

Continued from here

My huge awareness last night is that I am not Faye (the host personality). Faye is only one part of an elaborate multiple system that has embraced the name “Faith” to represent the whole. The system loves the name “Faith” because nothing bad has ever been said to her. Both Faye and Annie were told many cruel things growing up, even though they were spared the abuse. And many of the parts hate them because they were so clueless growing up (although I am assuring these parts that Faye’s and Annie’s roles were just as important as any others’ roles). But Faith has never heard a cross word. Online, she has repeatedly heard that she is strong, courageous, a warrior, compassionate, insightful, a survivor, smart, and funny. This is who I am. I am Faith – the sum total of the parts.

Last night, like a blossoming flower, I saw and became Faith. I met many parts. To date, I had only been interacting with fragments – like others were stepping into my face. These parts are full personalities who step into the whole body. Faye might black out (or lose time), but Faith does not black out because Faith is all of them. Faith has the big picture perspective. Faith loves and appreciates all of them. She sees each of them as “me” and wants nothing more than to love and accept each part until there is no longer a need for any to be separate. The parts know that Faith is sincere, and they respect and admire her. (Faith is the one who blew the roof off the other programming to keep quiet, enabling this incredible transformation inside.) It is going to take time for the parts to no longer feel separate – they have endured so much pain – and some at this moment do not see this as even being possible. But I (Faith) believe wholeheartedly that one day we will all be one.

I am comforting Faye as I have comforted my many fragments. I am assuring Faye that she did her job well. She kept the body and system safe, something that would not have happened without her. I am also reminding the many parts who view Faye with disdain that Faye played just as important a role as anyone else in surviving.

But I no longer see myself as Faye. I (Faith) run much deeper than Faye. I have a depth that I never imagined possible. I love and respect Faye, and I am going to do everything I can to comfort her. Now that she no longer needs to remain clueless, all of my remaining innocence is being lost – and that is something to be grieved. My innocence was taken over and over again from the ages of 1-9. (Later memories revealed ongoing abuse through age 11 and then sporatically through age 17.) I managed to save a sliver of innocence in Faye. But to be whole, that innocence must be forever surrendered. This is ripping Faye apart but, from Faith’s perspective, what is being lost never really existed.

Continued here.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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