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Archive for April 2nd, 2008

Microscopic View (c) Lynda BernhardtContinued from here.

I am no longer inconsolable. In fact, I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. I have always known my truth, even if it was divided up among numerous parts. All of these parts are me. There is nothing to like or dislike. They are who I am.

I posted last night about the many identity issues that Faye was having:

++++ may trigger ++++

I am confused about so many things — about what to reveal to my husband; about whether there was an ounce of me that was “real” growing up; about how to even view my past when everything was a lie. I was this pure, innocent, stupidly naive kid by day and a cult’s whore by night. And somehow in all of this, not one parent, teacher, or family friend even noticed.

No wonder there is so much conflict inside of me. I have parts who are absurdly innocent and parts that have been treated like whores.

And am I a whore now? I can’t tell my husband about what is going on right now, so I had sex with him today, even though that is probably the worst thing I could have done for myself emotionally. I did it so I could get out of the way the dread of doing it again and also to shut him up so I won’t have to be nagged about sex for a couple of days. Does giving my body to bide my time make me a whore? What kind of wife am I — or woman for that matter — when sex is loathsome to me?

How do I get past this? How do I heal these very deep tears in my soul? At what point is this all just a lost cause?

++++ end triggers ++++

All of this confusion and identity crisis was from Faye’s perspective. But I am more than just Faye. I am every single part inside. The answers are in the sum total of the parts.

I can’t explain how incredible and peaceful it feels to see myself from the perspective of the whole. I have so much respect for myself. I faced insurmountable odds as a child, and yet I survived. I have such depth and strength – deeper and stronger than I ever thought possible.

Continued here.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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