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Archive for April 11th, 2008

Tree by river (c) Lynda BernhardtAfter I integrated from dissociative identity disorder (DID), I had access to all of my memories. To this day, I still have issues that I do not want to face, such as the memories I shared in this post. I could look, but I choose not to, so in a sense, those memories are still “separate,” but I have access if I want it.

The reason I fragmented in the first place is because it was too much trauma for one person to endure. Having access to all of those memories again can be hard. It is not often that I choose to look at many of them at one time. However, if I do, I can feel sick to my stomach because there was so much abuse. Most of the memories no longer sting like they once did because I have processed the memories. However, when I view so much abuse from the perspective of being one lone child who had no hope of escape, it can be hard.

Now that I have access to so much painful information about my past, I have to work through what to do with that information. Do I choose never to look? Do I look on occasion when there is a need? It like inheriting a ghastly library and not being sure quite what to do with it.

I am still happy to have the access, even though I generally choose not to look. Now I get to choose my own pace in what I need to heal instead of having it explode out of me through different alter parts

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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