I finally talked with some off-line friends about how I have been feeling lately. They helped me to put it all in perspective.
One friend suggested that perhaps I have already dealt with it all, but Mother’s Day is just a triggering time of year for me. She compared it to the anniversary of a loved one’s death – even after you fully grieve the loss of the loved one, you are still going to think about that person and feel sad when that date rolls around.
Perhaps the coming the Mother’s Day triggers sadness in me that is just a normal part of the grieving process. This is not an indication that I have not completed the healing work but just a normal part of grieving the mother that I needed but never had. I think my friend is right because I have felt much, much better since we talked.
It also helped to have two off-line friends who did not judge me for not calling my mother while she was in the hospital. It helped that they were supportive of me in making my own decisions about the role my mother has in my life, which is nil.
I sometimes feel pressured to reconcile with my mother, and at other times, I feel pressured to end the limited contact that I continue through allowing her to write me a monthly letter. (I also send her presents for her birthday, etc.) I need to be the one to make the decisions about what is right for me. Nobody else can do that for me.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 