I really do want to move on to other topics on my blog, but apparently I am still working through issues related to the mother-daughter sexual abuse. Oh, joy.
I had a disturbing dream about the mother-daughter sexual abuse that really shook me up. What is most annoying is that I cannot rest when I am having such disturbing dreams. Even though I am getting 8+ hours of sleep each night, I am feeling tired the next day because I awaken feeling so tense after the dreams.
This dream was particularly disturbing. I was an adult, and I was standing in front of my mother nude, and she was also nude. That’s never a good sign. She did things to me, and I tried to like it, but I just couldn’t. Then, I got up and turned my back to her, knowing that she expected me to do things to her, and I really didn’t want to.
She told me to come back to her. Immediately, I got that lightheaded, “floaty” feeling in my head that I used to get all the time when I had contact with her. Then, I was still standing where I was, and she was walking by me (still nude) with a smile on her face. I knew that I had lost time and that my body had done things that I did not want it to do. I felt really repulsed by the whole thing.
I then went immediately into another dream that was too long and involved to get into here, but it involved inner children, their choices, and not being in control of what they do.
I woke up feeling very tense. My muscles were all aching from the tension of my reaction to the dream.
I hate having dreams like that. I know this is just my subconscious’ way of working through the trauma, but it is really frustrating. I already lived this as a child. I lived it again through therapy. At what point do I stop living this trauma?
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
[…] getting old. Every night, I keep having nightmares. Fortunately, most are not as graphic as the one I posted about recently, but they are disturbing […]
Dear Faith (hope I’m getting the name right)
I found your blog by googling about mother-daughter sexual abuse. I was also sexually abused by my mother. I really don’t find many resources on the internet or elsewhere, and I certainly don’t know anyone in my immediate reach who has had this tragic experience in their life. I apologize if my approach is too foward but I would tremendously appreciate it if you could give me information on where to find a therapist who takes this kind of abuse seriously and could treat me appropriately.
Thank you for speaking out about your abuse.
It’s a pity that I come across this discussion so late in years, I’m doing a TV talk show on mother daughter sexual abuse and I cant get anyone in South Africa coming out and wanting to speak about it. I would like us to share our experiences with the world and create awareness, if you can, I would like you to be part of my show, please let me know if you can, you can find me at tamiqwa@gmail.com
Welcome to my blog!!
Yes, I found resources to be limited as well when I first started healing from the mother-daughter sexual abuse (mdsa) in 2003. That is one reason that I decided to start this blog. I want people to know that they are not alone and also to share what helped me heal so others can follow a similar path.
Have you been to Making Daughters Safe Again [http://www.mdsa-online.org/] yet? That site might have some leads for finding a good therapist locally. I found mine through a referral from my pastor. I confided in a friend about the mdsa. She asked our pastor for a referral to a good therapist without specifying why or for whom. I called him and did a phone screening first, asking if he had ever worked with someone who had been sexually abused by her mother. He surprised me by saying yes.
I later learned that I was his second mdsa patient in his 20-year career as a therapist. What mattered the most was that be he believed me and took me seriously. Beyond that, his regular methods of treatment that he used for all sexual abuse patients worked well for me, too.
If you happen to live in North Carolina or in the Philadelphia area, then my therapist might be able to give you a referral. If this applies, please email me, and I will ask him for a referral for you. My email address is listed under “About Faith Allen” in the blue block (upper right hand corner). I don’t list it in comments, or I will start getting spammed to death.
Take care,
– Faith
“Then, I was still standing where I was, and she was walking by me (still nude) with a smile on her face. I knew that I had lost time and that my body had done things that I did not want it to do. I felt really repulsed by the whole thing.”
😦 😦 😦 😦 😦
I hate this feeling. I hate when the memories come back and I can actually feel that happening. Except, instead of feeling repulsed by IT, I feel that I am the one who is repulsive.
😦
Part of healing is changing the focus of being repulsed from yourself to the abuse and/or the abuser. You did nothing wrong. The loathing belongs squarely on the shoulders of your abuser.
– Faith
I was sexually abused by my foster mom. When it happened, I tried to ‘forget’ and convince myself it never happened. I ‘forgot’ for almost 30 years. Until, I was finally ready to get therapy. Everything came out in therapy. I ‘remembered’.
Its been sick, I threw up when I remembered. Even now, I know that no one will believe me.
Its been a long journey. I struggled with gender issues, I hated being a girl, I hated women, I wanted to be a boy so bad. I dressed like a boy and shaved my head till age 20. I was so ashamed. Then despression and anti depressants, drugs and alcohol. Then bad marriage and divorce.
But I’m happy too, I wouldn’t have been able to go through this, now I’m alone, and I’ve found Jesus through all this pain. His grace is sufficient, and I’m going to make it through.
I believe you. Considering that my own biological mother sexually abused me, I completely believe that a foster mother could do it, too. I am so sorry that you went through this.
Gender identity issues are common among child abuse survivors, particularly in females who were sexually abused by their mothers or mother figures.
Thanks for posting.
– Faith
I found your blog very helpful in hearing PERSONAL stories-so much of it is facts prited on paper(So to speak). Not that they they aren’t helpful too-I was taken from my mother and placed in state custody,where I experienced more abuse by older women-I still think about killing myself and suffer with insomnia. I also have gender identification issues,and Have no friends to rely on for support,so it is hard,but keep up the good blogging!
Thank you so much for this blog, i know exactly what you are going through, and still have the “dreams”; and wake up more exhausted than when i went to sleep. I have found my situation so difficult to deal with, my mother bad mouthed me to everyone, and despite a successful career. She did the classic, abuser behaviour of completely isolating me. I now have a good life, career etc. My husband and friends believe me, but it’s amazing how many people are uncomfortable with abuse my mother stories. It’s like societies unpleasant and dirty secret. Had i told my story and said my abuser was my father, there would be so much support and help and understanding. If it’s your mother who is your abuser, there’s usually an uncomfortable silence, and then recommendations of putting the past behind you. Can’t we all get along now, sort of comments. I have even been told by a counsellor, on one occasion, that i shouldn’t be saying these things about my mother! I know what happened and i have a good support circle, but i thank you for your blog: because while i don’t know you, there is some reassurance in knowing it’s not just me.
I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I was sexually abused by a same-relative and it was so hurtful. As an adult I became lesbian and had ill feelings towards men. I have to say that I received my freedom through Jesus Christ as well. Satan wants you to remember every detail of abuse– that is why the nightmares come. He wants you to use it as an excuse to be mediocre in life. Try your hardest to overcome what has happened. Your mom was obviously under the control of a perverse spirit. But you are still here and you are telling your story…I pray that you allow God to heal your heart through His word and allow forgiveness to carry you on. Be blessed.
Thank you for writing this blog. It is very rare for people to speak out about abuse, espiecially by women like their mothers. So I thank you for your remarkeable courage.
Its horrible when the memories and the nightmares still continue, but its the way the mind and body works. It feeds small bits of information at a time and lets you deal with it in baby steps and I thank my mind and body for working that way, otherwise I would have been totally overwhelmed.
May Peace Be Upon You
It happened to me. I blocked it out for years. Until one day I prayed to god for a answer as to y she hates me. I remember. He let me. I always knew it but bcos of his grace he made me forget. Thru god I have defieD the odds. Made it thru. Ppl think ur insane if u say it out loud. Your mother? Yes my mother
Hi,
It’s nice to see that there is a little info on stories of people who have been sexually abused by their mothers. Although I am searching for “stories” of what happened? I’m searching for this because I want to know what sort of things happened tp other people. I feel insane and can’t get my head arounf whether or not I was “sexually assaulted” by my mum, or if it is all in my head, or maybe the experiences I had aern’t classed as sexual assault. I am so confused. I can’t make sense of my childhood, and there isnt much info/ help out there for someone like me. Where can I hear stories of other peoples experiences?
Hi, Aliesha.
I just started writing my story today, and it will begin publishing tomorrow. I hope you will find it helpful.
I used to belong to a message board for survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse (mdsa), where I read many people’s stories:
http://mdsasupport.homestead.com/
In my situation, I mostly suffered from oral sex. Another frequent form of mdsa is unnecessary enemas. Any inappropriate physical contact or being forced to watch lesbian pornography would also fall under mdsa.
You are correct that there is not that much information out there. I found support at http://www.isurvive.org. I was not the only one who suffered from mdsa over there.
– Faith
Also I just want to say!…I used to be Christian, not anymore, being christian for me just made me have to “forget about it” more and more denial, I think some people just turn to religion as a “coping mechanism” an escape. I certainlty know now how devastating that has been on me now, not being allowed to “grieve”
Thank you for your bravery. I too was sexually abused by my mother and it has had a negative effect on my life in almost every way. The dreams are difficult, and the triggers can be devestating. We did not deserve this, but it is us who continue to pay for it.
As for the comments involving God…keep it to yourself. Where the hell was God when my mother was abusing and neglecting me? I went to church as a child and I was a very good girl, it didn’t help one bit.
K
Hi, K.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through.
Re: God — I can understand your anger and respect that talking about God is not helpful to you. However, faith and/or religion is helpful to some other readers, and they are welcome to talk about God as a healing tool for them. I would recommend that you avoid reading the comments about God if they are upsetting to you.
As an FYI — Some readers become triggered by mentions of God, so I do try to post religious trigger warnings on comments that are religious in nature. I don’t always catch them all, but that can help you avoid some of them. :0)
Again, I do understand where you are coming from and went through my own challenges in working through where God was when I was an abused child. I have written on this topic on the blog. :0)
~ Faith