A friend of mine has written his child abuse story for a brochure to encourage other people who are struggling with their child abuse issues. I am the “Internet stranger” in the story. He has given me permission to post his story here. The story is much longer than what I usually post in a blog, but the story is well worth the read. I hope you find it as inspiring as I do.
– Faith
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When my folks divorced I blamed myself. Eleven year old boys don’t reason like an adult. I thought there must be something wrong with me because Dad took my older sister with him but never invited me to go. I was left to be raised by my mother but her work kept her away from the house too many hours so a neighbor girl was hired to baby-sit all my waking hours. In the 50’s child abuse was a hush-hush subject with nowhere to turn for help. How a 14 year old girl could conceive the cruel and perverted acts done to me is hard to understand.
My mind was totally controlled by her after being forced to repeat this poem to her several times a day:
“Every day, I will obey, whatever you say, sweetly, completely, immediately, without questioning, crying or complaining, or I will be severely punished.”
Resistance became impossible and I endured horrible physical and sexual abuse. Do you know what a little boy does after he is tied spread-eagle and naked to a table and whipped with a fishing pole? Anything he is told!
I learned helplessness, mastering fear, humiliation, shame, pain and terror. I cried myself to sleep nights, unable to change my situation. I withdrew to my inner feelings and did what ever was necessary to just exist. My memories are difficult to dwell upon even after having told and written my entire story in a book. It is still hard sharing the embarrassing things which I long to forget.
One public and very humiliating experience happened in a store as no one who witnessed it attempted to stop my babysitter from baring my backside and spanking me with other shoppers watching. I totally lost control of bodily functions and messed myself in public. That was the day that I first began considering suicide.
Wounds and scars over time lessen but the inner hurt stayed with me for years and years. My mind, emotions, and sexual orientation of life were confused and misguided. The abuse continued for 5 years and ended only when we moved away. Then I was able to persuade my mother that I was old enough to be a latchkey kid.
Years went by with graduation, college, marriage, children and a busy life. I tried to bury my past but many things triggered horrible memories which would not go away. I found the courage twice to discuss what had happened. Once with a doctor who told me that I should have been man enough not to let someone do those things to me. I wasn’t a man, I was a little boy. The other time was to a minister who told me to just forget it all and get on with my life.
Amazingly, I never turned to drugs, alcohol, or crime and did not become an abuser myself. I turned to God and stayed busy helping others in order to avoid dwelling on things I never wanted to face again. I hid my childhood horrors from my children and my wife even though she knew something was terribly wrong.
After 40 years of hiding the hurt, I realized that I would have to deal with this because too many things triggered memories that gave me insomnia, and flashbacks. Suicide seemed my best option so I made plans, and wrote out my last will while trying to determine the best time when my family would be able to cope with my final decision.
On an internet chat room, for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, a stranger gave me some life-changing advice encouraging me to write out my story, call a hotline and to read it anonymously. Blocking my phone number, so it could not be traced, I read it as my final act so someone would know why I was ending my life. I was amazed at the compassion and confidentiality I found with the counselor on the phone. An invitation was given to me to come and speak with the therapist. I was so afraid that I would be “Baker Acted” that I hid my car and would not tell my name.
First, I met weekly with a counselor named K until she moved to a different job and then I began therapy with M. It took me a long time to face and find victory in each of the traumatic and horrible experiences as I relived them It was a very emotional and difficult season in my life but the wisdom, and compassion of a trained counselor guided my thinking and helped me to find peace, joy and victory. I was never told what to do but was coached and guided into making the decisions I chose that led me to total healing.
With M’s guidance I made the decision to write my story in a book entitled It Had To Be Told, So He Told It To Me! That entire story is available at ItHadToBeTold@gmail.com. My desire is to help others who have been abused to begin their own journey and find healing and fulfillment in life.
I have written many poems and articles which have been posted on internet sites to help others. M even gave me an opportunity to speak at a Sexual Assault Awareness Day event in our community. My speech ended with the nine recommendations that follow entitled: If You Have Been Abused
If You Have Been Abused:
1) FACE IT
Stop denying, hiding and ignoring it.
2) FOCUS ON IT
Deal thoroughly with it.
3) FOLLOW A QUALIFIED COUNSELOR’S ADVICE
Don’t try to be your own emotional physician. Let wise, trained counselors help you.
4) FEEL IT
Stop suppressing the memories. Let it out of your heart. Hurts can become scars you can live with.
5) FIGHT BACK
If the statute of limitations is over and you cannot do something to prosecute, do something to prevent it from being repeated!
6) FIX IT
Healing often is hastened by expressing it. Some people paint, some write poetry, some get on “Safe Chat Lines.” See a Therapist; Do something!
7) FORGIVE IT
(This is hard!)
Forgive those whose choices permitted or caused it to happen. Forgive the person who did the abuse. This does not clear them, it heals your heart. Forgive yourself for not telling sooner!
You are NOT to blame!
8 ) FIND A WAY TO HELP OTHERS
This is a world-wide problem and you can help others who have suffered similar things. Look for hurting people! Reach out to someone else!
9) FREQUENTLY CELEBRATE
Celebrate each accomplishment on your journey to healing!
Wishing you – “Joy On Your Journey!”
~ David
Your story is sad and wrong i was beaten as a child and still struggle with it daily my abuse was delt by my father who was a drunk. He would snap in a second going from happy to mad. I used to blaim my self thinking i was bad and made him mad now i know that was not the case. Sometimes i still feel like killing myself but i have kids of my own who i adore and would never lay a hand on or a mean word. They need me and that is what keeps me going that and stories like yours…I wish you the best…Hang in there baby!!!!!!!!!
Wow. I am so sorry that happened to you. I was certainly never beaten with a fishing pole or any such. However, I do struggle a bit with some things that happened when I was young. I was raised by a single mother who divorced my father when I was about 3 years old. Part of the problem was she really was stressed and felt the weight of the world trying to support us. I just wish she had been a bit more understanding.
My mother believed in corporal punishment and she was not ashamed of it either. I had several spankings from her that I felt were really over the top. When she felt a spanking was due, she didn’t take us to a bedroom. She’d take us to the living room and have all her children observe the punishment firsthand. She kept a small paddle handy for such purposes. On several occasions, I sadly remember having my pants pulled down and being whipped over her knee with that paddle. Her paddlings often left bruises and always left me feeling humiiiated afterwards. My brother and sister and I have talked about this. My brother wasn’t affected much by it, but my sister was very affected.
I hope for a day when parents learn alternative methods for disciplining children.
What my friend David went through was way beyond the scope of discipline — that was abuse.
As for alternative methods of discipline — Most parenting books today advocate time outs and such instead of spankings, so the tide has turned, thank goodness. I read your comment and thought about my little boy. I cannot imagine humiliating him like that.
– Faith
I can’t imagine anyone hurting children like this and every day i have to read about it and write about it and comfort those who have been hurt so bad… it hurts everyone, we can’t allow this world to be consumed by anger any more.
I know sometimes I get upset when I am hungry, so, I feel that no one should have to be hungry… sometimes I get grumpy when I am really tired, so, I think no one should be so overwhelmed that that they get over tired. sometimes I get really sad when i hear about someone hurting someone else for any reason, and so i think that no one should hurt anyone for any reason…
hunger, exhaustion, pain, these are the things that create war, and i don’t think anyone should feel hunger, exhaustion or pain, and then there would be no abuse and there would be no war and no one would feel hunger, exhaustion or pain, wouldn’t that be a good story…
thank you all for sharing, we can change the world…
Your story is amazing, it really gives me hope for my future. I like all of the advice-points you’ve listed except for number 5, “Fight Back.” Yes, absolutely I understand that fighting back is a way for the victim to regain some power and take back control, but be very careful how you word that. It’s unfair to put hold the victim/survivor responsible for preventing future abuse–after all, they aren’t the ones abusing in the first place. I understand how important it is to speak up and get active to make the world more unsafe for predators (like calling them out on rape jokes or sexist remarks or threatening behavior) and therefore safer for the rest of us, but it is unfair to put Prevention on the survivor’s shoulders.