Oftentimes, the alter parts of people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) find themselves in conflict with one another. While movies like the remake of the movie Sybil give the impression that each alter part must “take a turn” being “out,” that was not my experience. Yes, there were many times that my host personality completely blacked out (such as during incidents of abuse). However, for the most part, my host personality would stay out while another alter part was co-present.
I can remember this happening from a young age. When I was around eight years old, I was sketching a toy horse. I left the room to use the bathroom. When I returned, I was thinking about how I wanted to reposition the horse when I stubbed my toe. I was jumping around in pain. Nevertheless, as I did this, I still reached out and repositioned the horse as I howled with pain. My mother/abuser, who was in the room when this happened, was baffled as to why I cared about the position of the horse when I was clearly in enough pain to be crying. While my host personality did not care about the toy horse, another alter part did, which is why my body did both things.
I have had odd moments like that throughout my life. I (from the perspective of the host personality) would be upset about another person taking advantage of me. From out of nowhere, I would suddenly have the assertiveness to stand up for myself and rectify the situation. Then, I would go back to being a doormat and completely baffled that I had the guts to do what I had just done. This dynamic confused people around me as well.
Another time, a “friend” was pushing my buttons while I was driving a car down the highway. I was 17. My father had recently passed away, and my mother had started raping me again. The last thing I needed was a mind-f@#$, and that is exactly what this person was trying to do.
This triggered an alter part that wanted to scratch her eyes out. However, another part of myself (my host personality??) would not allow that to happen, so it turned on me. I started mauling my own arm and my face as I drove. This also triggered another alter part that let out blood-curdling screams. Needless to say, this “friend” about wet her pants as I was speeding down the highway, screaming at the top of my lungs, and clawing myself until I was pouring blood. I finally pulled myself together, but it was a very intense period (perhaps five minutes) that had to have scared that “friend” to death.
Throughout my life, I would have “urges” to harm myself, such as to crash my car into a barrier while driving down the highway. However, another part of myself would never let me do it. I used to think that I was “crazy.” I now realize that this was a suicidal alter part that needed to be healed.
Even though alter parts can be in conflict, they all have the same interest of protecting the child. Even the suicidal alter parts are trying to “protect” the child in their own way (by permanently ending the abuse). As I learned to love and embrace each part as “me,” I stopped experiencing these kinds of conflicts.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
thanks for sharing this i have had some similar experiences i never knew why… weird huh? not alot the same but similar enough. funny how i just thought i was crazy. well not really funny, thanks for sharing some of your life. it does help somehow.
Faith, I am sorry you had that experience with your ‘friend’. That must have been awful for you. I have to tell you though, reading that made me laugh. I can only imagine what that ‘friend’ was thinking. I can relate, or i think I can. There is this feeling that something similar happened, but I don’t have a clue what.
I am grateful to you for sharing your experiences. It really does help me.
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Wow. I’ve hurt myself when I was angry too. I literally punched myself until I bruised. My mom laughed and me and tol me I’m stupid. (gotta love it) I always wondered about the mechanism. I don’t have DID, but I think I do have a certain degree of dissociation.
Most abuse survivors have some degree of dissociation. PTSD is a form of dissociation. It is all a matter of degrees. It is about being in conflict inside of yourself.
Good to hear from you!! :0)
– Faith
Ive always had friends (so-called) that have pushed my buttons. Its as if id even show them my buttons and whenever they would have a bad time they would push them.In between id be treading on egg-shells waiting for them to lash out on me. Why did i tell people what buttons to push? No idea! Maybe as a way of sharing the burden?
Thanks Faith. Once again you’ve solved a mystery for me. I saw the term co-conscious everywhere I looked, but it did not fit what I experience. Finally I saw the term co-presence, googled it, and was lead here. This is what I experience; co-presence; in the same way you describe.