This post is part of a series in which I am providing an overview of my healing process from child abuse. The story begins here.
My therapist gave me “homework” every week. That homework was to practice setting boundaries. He told me that setting boundaries was the key to feeling safe, and he was right. Until I learned how to set boundaries, I could not feel safe. I was always at the mercy of whomever I was interacting with.
Setting boundaries was extremely hard for me to do. I learned at a very young age that I had no boundaries. Anyone in my life could take anything he or she wanted from me, and I was powerless to do anything about it. The people around me would lead me around like a puppet. I was so easy to control; it was pathetic.
There were two exceptions to this: (1) I refused to have sexual intercourse before getting married; and (2) I could stand up to keep my child safe. I did allow boys to pressure me into doing more than I wanted to do, but I was resolute in not having intercourse with them. I am not sure where my strength came from, but it was there.
As for my child – I shocked hub and his parents by being able to turn into a complete b@#$% on behalf of my child. For example, they could not figure out how to work the car seat correctly one time and drove my baby home with the car seat not completely fastened. This passive little wife/daughter-in-law went off on them, telling them that they would not be allowed to transport their own son/grandson EVER if they could not be responsible enough to buckle him into the car correctly. (They never made this mistake again. LOL)
It took me a long time to learn how to set boundaries. I thought setting boundaries meant being a b@#$%, and I though that “being a b@#$%” was the worst thing in the world. My therapist assured me that I needed to “act like a b@#$%” in my own head to come even close to being “normal” in setting boundaries.
I finally learned how to do it by recognizing that each time I let another person walk all over me, I was choosing to harm myself rather than say no to an inconsiderate person. As I got better at setting boundaries, I noticed that it was only the people who were used to treating my badly who had a problem with it. Those who had no desire to “use” me thought it was great.
I have gotten much better about setting boundaries, but I still flounder from time to time, especially in times in which I am feeling vulnerable. Also, it is much harder for me to set boundaries with family members, and that is where I need the boundaries the most.
Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney
Blooming Lotus 
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This is where ill be coming up to soon. Im kinda scared that once ive set my boundaries ill have no friends or associates left!
Did you find that certain boundaries just feel into place upon recovery of memories/integration ? Or it was hard work on your part and your therapists helping you? Or a bit of both? Sorry if seems nosey, just wondered what to expect.
Boundaries are great, although they do change every relationship in your life. The healthy relationships get better, and the unhealthy ones either end or become nearly unbearable. I talk about this in detail in tomorrow’s post.
None of my boundaries simply fell into place. Learning how to set boundaries was very, very hard for me to do. In fact, in some circumstances, I had to reach a place of self-harming regularly before I would face that I **had** to set and enforce a boundary. The alternative was to continue to harm myself. (I can be quite stubborn with some of life’s lessons. LOL)
The good news is that, when boundaries make unhealthy relationships unbearable, I am the one who wants to leave. So, at least setting boundaries has not set me up for feeling abandoned all the time.
– Faith
I often wonder just how much different ill be after all this. I want to be the same as i was before but without the negative bits! lol.
Im waiting for your post on ” how much better you are now” after going through all your hard work. hint-hint ,lol.
🙂
Simon
I feel as though I have no idea how to do this. People just tend to walk all over me sometimes.. its horrible really. Lately people have been pushing in front of me in line and I just let them and then I think why didnt I do anything. I dont know, I just dont think I have any right to say anything ever.
I don’t have nearly as much trouble setting boundaries with men as I do with women. That’s because with women I repeat the abusive pattern that my mother and I have. It’s a power game from the start with pretty much every woman I’ve been friends with. There were/are a few exceptions, and for those I’m indeed grateful.
I’m not scared anymore of not having friends. I’d rather have no friends than friends who don’t accept me for me. Maybe it helps that I’m an introvert. I love being alone and I can only take verbal reciprocity in doses. My husband is a treasure in this regard. He’s a great listener and conversationalist, but also gives me space when I need to withdraw.
I have a very rich inner world so I never tire of new interests. They don’t take the place of a really great friendship, but I have concluded that until someone really accepts all of me, the bitch as well as the fragile child and everything in between, I will not enter into a friendship. My goal is to go by my gut impression of a person. If I’m only a little lukewarm about a new acquaintance, I will tell them in the course of our first meaningful conversation that I don’t think we’re compatible, and that I don’t have interest in doing activities with them. (Sounds like dating, yeah.)
So yes, you could say I’ve embraced my inner bitch, but to do her justice, that’s not really what “she” is. Bitches deliberately harm people, just for their own pleasure. My inner “bitch” is really a warrior protecting the territory that rightfully belongs to me; my body and soul.
ps: funny thing. my name’s meaning is “warrior” or “war like”.
I get walked all over into i explode. People pushing in etc etc is a real thing for me. I either do nothing – ultra passive , or go pretty scrazy and make an issue. Thats why im passive 99.999999% of the time because i darent do anything else. This was previous to the work ive done, im hoping now i might be able to be assertive, something ive nevr had.
[…] 7:06 am Tags: end of healing process, healing from child abuse, healing process On my blog entry My Healing Process from Child Abuse: Setting Boundaries, Simon posted the following comment: I often wonder just how much different ill be after all this. […]
Setting boundaries when you’re a noob to it is difficult and like the poster above mentioned, i’ve found the unhealthy friendships destruct and the good ones, get better.
What is hard to accept is old friends that are used to walking all over you, when you set up a boundary they get piSSed off & mad. These are usually people who do not have healthy boundaries themselves…
A
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[…] My Healing Process from Child Abuse: Setting Boundaries […]
[…] I finally learned how to do it by recognizing that each time I let another person walk all over me, I was choosing to harm myself rather than say no to an inconsiderate person. As I got better at setting boundaries, I noticed that it was only the people who were used to treating my badly who had a problem with it. Those who had no desire to “use” me thought it was great. https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/07/31/my-healing-process-from-child-abuse-setting-boundaries/ […]
Only just come to this, and it was so profound for me I’ve had to rather liberally sample a chunk to help me make sense of my own place. Hope that’s OK, it’s at http://theurbanworrier.wordpress.com/2011/03/07/why-do-you-have-such-a-problem-with-doing-the-right-thing/
Hi, UrbanWorrier.
That’s fine. Thanks for the incoming link! :0)
– Faith