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Archive for August 11th, 2008

I am sitting down writing this blog entry at 4:56 a.m. I would like to impress you and say that I am up this early because I am so industrious and dedicated to my blog, but the truth is that I am continuing to struggle with insomnia. I have trouble falling asleep. Once I do, I have terrible nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat and then find myself unable to fall back to sleep. I tossed and turned from 3:10 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. today before I finally gave up trying to sleep.

Ever since my visit to my hometown a few weeks ago, I have been battling depression. The insomnia is just one side effect of the depression. I do not have the energy to do all that I usually do. Combine that with my ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) son being out of school for summer vacation, and I find myself unable to keep up with all that I care about.

I have become backlogged in several areas of my life, including comments and emails regarding this blog. I am going to try to address some of those this week. To those of you who have contacted me, I have not forgotten about you – I am just having a hard time keeping up with my life at the moment.

I hate it when I sink into a depression like this. I know that it is temporary and that I need to nurture myself in order to pull out of it. However, while I am in this place, I feel like Harry Potter being surrounded by the dementers – as if all joy is being sucked out of my life. I then feel like a fraud in writing a blog about healing from child abuse when I find myself stuck in this fog.

However, I know that I am not a fraud. Healing from child abuse is an ongoing process that lasts a lifetime. I am farther along the child abuse healing process than many of you who are reading this blog, so I still have a lot to offer, even when my life is not all sunshine and roses. Also, I continue to remind myself that healing from child abuse is like an upward spiral. Even though I might feel like I am going in circles, I am always moving upward as I heal at deeper and deeper levels. I just need to remember to feed the right wolf.

Also, I do not want to misrepresent what healing from child abuse is like. The reality is that a person who has suffered from child abuse is always going to deal with residue. The big difference is that, as you continue to heal from child abuse, you recognize that these down times are temporary and you have more coping skills to get through them. You also know the way out of the depression – you just have to keep reminding yourself to follow your own advice.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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