I am sitting down writing this blog entry at 4:56 a.m. I would like to impress you and say that I am up this early because I am so industrious and dedicated to my blog, but the truth is that I am continuing to struggle with insomnia. I have trouble falling asleep. Once I do, I have terrible nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat and then find myself unable to fall back to sleep. I tossed and turned from 3:10 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. today before I finally gave up trying to sleep.
Ever since my visit to my hometown a few weeks ago, I have been battling depression. The insomnia is just one side effect of the depression. I do not have the energy to do all that I usually do. Combine that with my ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) son being out of school for summer vacation, and I find myself unable to keep up with all that I care about.
I have become backlogged in several areas of my life, including comments and emails regarding this blog. I am going to try to address some of those this week. To those of you who have contacted me, I have not forgotten about you – I am just having a hard time keeping up with my life at the moment.
I hate it when I sink into a depression like this. I know that it is temporary and that I need to nurture myself in order to pull out of it. However, while I am in this place, I feel like Harry Potter being surrounded by the dementers – as if all joy is being sucked out of my life. I then feel like a fraud in writing a blog about healing from child abuse when I find myself stuck in this fog.
However, I know that I am not a fraud. Healing from child abuse is an ongoing process that lasts a lifetime. I am farther along the child abuse healing process than many of you who are reading this blog, so I still have a lot to offer, even when my life is not all sunshine and roses. Also, I continue to remind myself that healing from child abuse is like an upward spiral. Even though I might feel like I am going in circles, I am always moving upward as I heal at deeper and deeper levels. I just need to remember to feed the right wolf.
Also, I do not want to misrepresent what healing from child abuse is like. The reality is that a person who has suffered from child abuse is always going to deal with residue. The big difference is that, as you continue to heal from child abuse, you recognize that these down times are temporary and you have more coping skills to get through them. You also know the way out of the depression – you just have to keep reminding yourself to follow your own advice.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
i can’t tell you how timely this blog is for me.
thanks
Thank you sooo much for continuing your blog. I am at a similar place as you in the depression aspect. I feel like every time I am able to take a step forward, the flashbacks & nightmares of my CSA come back even stronger and throw me back into a living nightmare. But, my therapist continues to tell me that this is normal, and that it will get better. I continue to try to change my focus from the intense flashbacks & nightmares to healing & being able to help someone else through healing. I also think that the best revenge against my perpetrator is to live my life well.
Thank you.
I wrote this week’s blogs last week, and I have already cycled out of the depression. The periods of depression blessedly grow shorter and shorter as you heal. I wish that they went away for good, but that has not been my experience. Still, I would much rather battle it for a week or a month than for months at a time.
Take care,
– Faith
i am going through this same thing… its amazing you write this… i have not been able to sleep through the night in almost a week.. It is horrible… I am having well, its getting bad for me too, I just dont have too many skills… Its good to see you have come through and have so much hope. I dont.
Hi Faith,
I am so sorry that you are struggling at the moment. It is amazing just how much that I can identify with you. I revisited the location where most of my abuse took place and I experienced many of the same feelings as you have reported. I became extremely dissociated and depressed. As I neared my hometown found myself screaming at the top of my lungs and crying uncontrollably. I developed the same light-headed feelings (as if I were about to pass out), nausea, debilitating headaches, and severe allergy symptoms as I had experienced so many, many years ago.
I thought that in my healing process that I had become somewhat “freed” from all of these painful feelings. Unfortunately, it wasn’t so. ‘The visit did, however empower me in that I had confronted some of my fears head on. Like you Faith, it set me back in a big way (but only for a short time). All in all–I actually, felt that it had empowered me and that it had a tremendous impact and in my quest towards healing.
You “will” get beyond this, Faith! And when you do you will emerge that much stronger than you were before taking this courageous step.
All my best, Faith……………..
Tami
Hi Faith- Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. Stay strong.
Lynn
Is there anyone out there as old as I (69) who is still, still trying to overcome the effects of traumatic childhood. At this point, I am a nearly total recluse, still have a lot of unresolved anger, am still an intelligent person, and still want to heal. The original perpetrators have died, but one is still alive. That’s me. After leaving home at an early age, I set about on a life of bad decisions that only served to further my emotional disabilities and that continue to haunt and hurt to this day. I am not religious, but I must have faith in something because I keep trying to keep going. My own problems (self-doubt, rage) show up in my relationship to my son and daughter-in-law, who have two little girls that I adore. Would appreciate hearing from anyone who can relate in a positive way. If your inclination is to tell me to “just forget it” or to “stop feeling sorry for myself,” thanks, but that’s not helpful.
I would never tell you to “just forget it.” Time heals nothing — it is what we do with that time that enables us to heal. You could be 169, and the trauma would still continue to plague you if you had not healed from it.
I will write about this more on my blog next week.
Take care,
– Faith
[…] survivors over age 60, older child abuse survivors, too old to heal? On my blog entry entitled Struggling with Depression after Child Abuse, a reader posted the following comment: Is there anyone out there as old as I (69) who is still, […]
I appreciate your time and your words. I will get and read the book you suggest and I will keep on keeping on. I want to think that I still have time to become something more than eccentric. thank you.
My 19 year old daughter was abused as a little girl by her father. She had no contact with him from the age of 5 to about 13. Then the courts ordered visitation.(the morons) There was a long court battle about this. Anyway, now my daughter has juvenile myoclonic epilepsy and gets easily depressed. She thinks that nobody likes her. She’s a sweet girl but very quiet. She’s been seeing a therapist who is suggesting medication. I’m concerned because she is already on seizere meds. Any suggestions on how I can help her? Thank you
Hi, upsetmom.
If you are talking about sexual abuse, I strongly recommend that you read the book, Allies in Healing by Laura Davis:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060968834?ie=UTF8&tag=bloolotu-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0060968834
That book is specifically written for people who have a relationship with a sexual abuse survivor. It will walk you through the many ways that you can support your daughter. It will also help you have a better understanding of how she is feeling.
Take care,
– Faith
Thank you Faith. I drive by a Barnes & Nobles on my way to work. I’ll see if they carry it there.
hi i.m a 46years old women who was abused from the age of 4 through to 15 the time that i put my father in jail. Life for me has been very sad and lonely . I seem to be stuck in depression and can.t get out. My children i struggle to get on with as they seem to think i thrive on being sad and lonely. I don.t have one friend i can go and visit for a coffee. People don.t want to know me as they see me as a threat. I have two younger boys aged 6 and just turned two. If it was n.t for them i.m sure i would n.t be here they give me the strength to want to live. My other children are aged from 14 to 29 . I need to know how to over come my depression and love life. please help Counciling doesn.t . I have so family as i became the black sheep when i charged my father.
Hi, Heaths.
I strongly suggest finding a good therapist to help you work through your issues. I, too, have a young child, and you would be surprised how many other mothers of young children are lonely and want to hang out with another mother while the children play. Have you considered setting up a play date with one of your six-year-old’s friends from school?
If you will process your anger, you will very likely get some relief from the depression. The depression is the worst, isn’t it? The anger helps you find the power to fight your way out of the depression.
I strongly recommend that you read the Survivor to Thriver manual:
http://www.lulu.com/content/405515
This is a wonderful resource for working through the stages of healing from child abuse, and it contains some good information about processing your anger.
Take care,
– Faith
You did the right thing your family should have supported you
[…] of anxiety, manifesting in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) symptoms. I also struggled with depression on and off. I later learned that both anxiety and depression are a manifestation of repressed […]