Archive for September 9th, 2008

In my last blog entry, I asked Are Cults Really Covers for Kiddie Porn and Prostitution Rings? I believe that, in my situation, the answer is yes. This might not be true in all cult situations, but I do believe that this is the case in mine. My intuition is screaming that this is the case, and my sister’s memories back it up as well. So, I am in the process of trying to wrap my mind around this latest piece of my life puzzle.

I am handling this new information surprisingly well. Honestly, I feel much more comfortable with coming to terms with falling victim to a kiddie porn and child prostitution ring than I did having to accept that I had been “raped for Satan.” Satanic ritual abuse is so “out there” and sounds so unbelievable. The greed involved in making money off little kids’ bodies is, unfortunately, very believable. It is much easier to wrap my mind around kiddie porn and child prostitution than devil worship.

That being said, it is still hard to face the reality of being a victim of kiddie porn and child prostitution. I already suspected the kiddie porn part. My memories of animal rape involved a camera, and I have another memory of being tied to a bed naked with lots of pictures being taken. There are other memories with cameras as well. I suspected that at least the animal rape pictures were sold as kiddie porn, so I have already come to terms with the reality that there are pictures out there somewhere of me as a child being raped.

The child prostitution angle is new, though. The thought of my hymen being auctioned off is tough. I was only seven years old when that was taken from me. It sickens me to think of some man paying who knows how much money to do that to a seven-year-old child, doubly so since I have a child of that age and appreciate just how young a seven-year-old child is.

I feel heaviness inside when I think about this, but I have not been able to cry about it yet. However, for the most part, it is not rocking me as I would expect it to. Perhaps my belief in reincarnation has helped with this. I do not see my body as a part of me but, instead, as my “earth suit” for this go-round in this lifetime. Neither my soul nor my spirit are a part of the pictures, and my rapists never got a hold of me. My body is not who I am.

Related Topic:

Trauma Tuesday: Raped by Santa Claus??

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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