On my blog entry Ritual Abuse and Programming, Simon posted the following question:
Theres a question ive always wanted to ask you but ive forgotten. If you have time id really appreciate a response! Here it is :-
***Could be triggering***
I trigger massively when i get water on my face. So basically i trigger when ive had a face wash or shower, or even when i go out and theres rain on my face. I can even be playing sports and ill sweat and it will run onto my face and its a MASSIVE trigger. This is less-so now ive worked through alot of memories, but ive always wondered why it is.Someone has said that maybe its because the abusers washed me after they abused me but i keep thinking it something else.
Was just wondering if you had any idea?
I had a similar question for my therapist a few years ago. I knew that I had always had a phobia of Russian nesting dolls, but I did not know why. My therapist said it might have to do with feeling constricted, but I intuitively knew that wasn’t it. I did not get my answer for at least another year, when I recovered one of my most traumatizing memories.
My short answer is that (1) I do not know the origin; and (2) you will know the origin when you are ready to process it. Our deepest triggers are a result of our deepest traumas. It only makes sense that we heal the less severe stuff first and then, once we have the confidence that we can handle the heavier trauma, we turn our attention there.
I would caution you against going out and seeking the answer. Instead, trust your own intuition to reveal the origin when you are ready to face it. Once you recover the memory, you will be wigged out but, at the same time, have a major “aha” moment. It really does feel good to put the pieces of the puzzle together and understand yourself.
If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone in having this issue with water. Check out the Incest Survivor’s After Effects Checklist. Number two on the list is…
Swallowing and gagging sensitivity; repugnance to water on one’s face when bathing or swimming (suffocation feelings)
I had an issue with eating cereal because I would come unglued if any milk trickled down my chin. I have my suspicions about the origin of this for me, but this has been low on my list of concerns. It is easy enough simply not to eat cereal.
I hope this helped.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Thanks.
Your right, its best to wait to see the memory, as only then will i be able to deal with it. Im just inpatient. Strange thing is this….Ive always drunk loads of water/squash. My mum ( on of the abusers) used to call me a fish. So even though i hated it on my face, i couldnt put enough into my stomach.
Simon
Even though im aware that water on my face is a trigger to my past i cant stop buying waterproof jackets. Its this behaviour that makes me feel like a freak. Im aware yet im still unable to break the habit. Just bought another today for £140.
Sometimes, even within the abuse/incest/survivor community where id expect people to understand, i feel like i stand out and im a weirdo.
Faith, perfect answer. I would have advised a client the exact same thing. There are therapeutic techniques available to help decrease the trigger response even if the trigger isn’t known. But there’s always a chance the treatment might bring the memory forward prematurely. No one wants that to happen. That inner guide is monitoring your healing and you will get answers when you are ready to know. It’s agonizing to impatient people. I hated having to learn patience. lol
Simon, I still have some triggering to water on my hands and especially dripping down my arms. I commend you for being aware that you are compelled to buy waterproof jackets. Also, unless you really can’t afford them, you are doing no harm. If you can view the behavior as coming from a part of you who now feels empowered because of the choice to protect with water proof jackets, maybe that will help ease your mind.
You are not weird. We all have our little idiosyncrasies–DID or not. Survivors usually have “clues” all around them and don’t realize it until the message comes through. As long as the behavior is not harmful, it’s okay. The fact that you are aware of the behavior is great.
I consider myself “substantially healed”. I still have plenty of triggers. They are on a list to work on some day. I’m okay living with the residual triggers. The quality of my life is so much better compared to early healing. Everyone has a little bit of “Monk” in them ;-O
I can afford the jackets – just !
Its pretty strange because all my life ive skated on thin ice to be at the point i am now, and im still doing it. Its as if someone is up there and they are pushing me right to the limit, without wanting me to go totally under. It feels like torture. Ive described it as a black cat following me.
Hopefully when ive healed as much as the two of you have, this will no longer be the case.
Simon,
I have similar issues with water. In fact, I almost never wash my face and I frequently will go without showers. I somewhat recently uncovered possibly some of the reasons for this for me, but I know there are more reason. Basically, you’re not alone in this. I believe the memories will come when you are ready.
Faith,
Thank you so much for writing this. It’s something I struggle with as well (the wanting to know where everything comes from). Hang in there, girl. I’m proud of you for all of the writing and hard work that you’ve been doing lately!
Thanks everyone!!
Simon — Like Grace said, we all have idiosyncrasies. I have so many, but I just try to be amused by myself.
For example, I am obsessed with pens and must have multiple pens nearby at all times. I sleep with a blanket and quilt, and sometimes even a comforter, year round, and I live in the Southeastern U.S. where it gets very hot in the summertime. I brush my teeth at least 6 times a day and even own my own dental tools.
You are not alone. We all have quirks. :0)
– Faith
Thanks faith 🙂
***Potentialy triggering***
I used to be obsessed with pens. It was because my whole life had to be a series of things i had to do. Id number everything. So pens and little notepads were essential. I was a real Mr Bean! I even carried my pens, and ‘to do it list’ in a little carrier bag. I look back and i feel so sorry for how i was. I no longer do this. ( Thank goodness). The main thing im left with is the waterproof jackets. I also went through a period where i was obssessed with smocks. This was because i was bound when i was abused. Taking the smock off proved to myself that i could free myself. I now have around 60 jackets and 25 smocks, all waterproof. Ive also given the charityshops loads of jackets in the past – id hate to guess how many!
anon216, im sorry that you have that in common with me, but obviously it makes me feel that much less alone. Since ive had EMDR ive been purposely triggering myself in the shower ( and obviously i need to clean myself!) . Ive got to the point where my face is about 1/6th as twisted as it was a year ago, but its still hell, and i get massive headaches afterwards. Im hoping that i will get some memories back like you did to give me some idea why! I like to have every body sensation/feeling/emotion labelled. I guess its human nature to want to stick things away in our minds, just that us survivors have so much more to stick away i reckon.
I must admit i now laugh when i buy a jacket. In fact i was laughing to myself the other day ( like a rite looney), and my dad said ” bought another jacket?” , i said ” yea!” . lol. :-s
Oh good, Simon, you know about EMDR. That’s what I was mostly referring to. In my own healing, I used EMDR after being afraid of it for a long time. Then it helped so much. I loved that I could choose to “fastforward” through a memory. It was going to suck no matter what, so I chose faster. I completed my EMDR training during my first year as a therapist to be able to offer it to my clients. BTW, every jacket, coat, and many sweaters I own have hoods. lol
I have a really bad gag reflex, so bad I really have to be careful when I brush my teeth! And I am very uncomfortable putting my face in the water when I am swimming – it’s all about needing to breathe! So I can relate to that #2 on the after-effects list.
I used to have horrible dreams about all my teeth falling out -spitting them out of my mouth into my hand like so many watermelon seeds. The positive thing about that though is that those dreams usually co-incided with break-throughs in therapy. They were related to specific events, but I also was able to determine that the dreams were symbols of maturation, like losing your baby teeth so that the adult teeth can grow in. Once I understood that, the dreams stopped.
The mind is amazingly gifted in metaphor. Once we learn what the metaphor represents, we can use it for our healing.
EMDR is a great tool. It helped me tremendously! I’m so glad that it’s available so that people can find quicker relief from suffering.
Hi Grace 🙂
Do you practice in the USA or the UK? Or another country?!
If you dont mind me asking.
My therapist used EMDR initially and then we went on to use this (ill describe it as i cant remember name, i dont think its tapping). :- I keep one hand on top of my head ( right hand) while moving my left hand onto different spots on my body – while im doing this im concentrating on the body sensations and all the associated physcology that goes with it.
> Ive found that brings alot up!
I have a great therapist, in that sense i regard myself as being lucky!
I would have sweaters with hoods, but i always wear a jacket! lol. Even if its boiling hot in summer, ill wear a t-shirt but hang a waterproof jacket (with hood) off myself! I guess ive just got to learn to love myself with all the little traits included, because i have the feeling that some stuff i will always do!
I also think i have a bad gag reflex deanandme, but im not sure because i dont know what a normal one is like!
TBH i never considered that the water trigger was to do with lack of air, but it does make sense. Especially since id never wear a scarfe either. And i also realised about a month ago that ive hardly ever touched my own neck.
Just to add some more to the hood/jacket conversation, lol – My Jackets have to be mega thin, light, waterproof , and very baggy fit with a hood. Ive only found a few that meet this criteria ( despite buying loads over the years) and these are berghaus paclites! Anything that doesnt fit this exact description is stuck in a cupboard or drawer somewhere and never worn as it makes me feel awkward when i wear it!
Simon
Deannandme,
Thank you!! You just solved one of my own issues. I had the same dream about losing my teeth for years, but I was never able to decode the reason for it.
– Faith
Hi Simon, I’m in the US. Your therapist sounds very good. People who treat DID should have an arsenal of techniques to use. One type of therapy alone will not reach all the issues needed to heal. Some selves prefer one method to another. I also used play therapy for littles and sometimes for the adult. EMDR has a role but it isn’t the main method of healing. I know more training is being done for dissociative disorders for EMDR. There has to be a back up though because, for some, the EMDR itself is triggering. Tapping is similar but you have control over connecting to your body. There is a strong trend for mind-body integration work now. There is Emotional Freedom Tapping (?). Whatever works safely is what is good 🙂
Hi grace, i remember what my therapist called it now. Somatic i think the word was.
Just to add that your right my therapist is very good! Before i started seeing him i found that most therapist wouldnt help someone regressing memories/integrating. I used to here a change of tone in their voice when i breifly explained my situtaion.
This is all so familiar! I have been reading this blog for a while and know this is an old post, but yes, the dreams of my teeth falling out, the fear of washing my face, the dread of taking a shower. Thank you all so much for writing about this! Even with you about how triggering it is when I drink liquids too fast and they spill on me! I had been starting to link these things to my memories around abuse, and although I wish no one ever had to go through this, it is very healing to know this is not unheard of!