Archive for September, 2008


I frequently receive emails asking if there is some sort of cult “holiday” approaching. Ritual abuse survivors often know intuitively when a cult holiday is approaching. Seemingly out of nowhere, the ritual abuse survivor starts dissociating more frequently and feeling an enormous amount of anxiety. Whenever this happens to me, I try to remember to look at the calendar.

For example, if you suffered from ritual abuse and have been feeling out of sorts lately, it might be because the Fall Equinox is approaching (September 21). Cults often “celebrate” the changing of the seasons, so many ritual abuse survivors become triggered by the approach of the Spring and Fall Equinoxes as well as the Summer and Winter Solstices.

Any holiday that is meaningful to Christianity is often desecrated by the cult on the same days, so ritual abuse survivors often find themselves triggered by the coming of Christmas and Easter. Just about any holiday can be triggering for abuse survivors, but the triggering by Christmas and Easter is often much more severe.

And then there is Halloween, which can be extremely triggering to ritual abuse survivors. I continue to be triggered by seeing people walking around in black robes. Even though I know they are only children, just seeing the robes causes me to dissociate.

Another day that is often triggering to a ritual abuse survivor is the person’s birthday. Reaching different milestones in age (such as ages 6 or 9) often involved more severe abuse, so birthdays can be triggering.

If you want to see a list of cult holidays, get Chrystine Oksana’s book, Safe Passage to Healing. She provides a detailed list of occult holidays for paganism, witchcraft, and Satanism.

Also, keep an eye out for the full moon. I continue to get triggered the night before a full moon. No matter how well I have been sleeping all month, I am guaranteed to toss and turn on the night before the full moon.

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This week, I have been writing about Senate Bill 1738, also known as the Combating Child Exploitation Act of 2008, which Oprah profiled on her show on Monday. To me, it was such a no-brainer to pass this bill, so I have been taken aback by all of the controversy surrounding Senate Bill 1738 and the Oprah show.

Apparently, the Democrats and Republicans have decided to get into a p@$$ing match over whose version of the bill will be passed into law. People are pointing out that Oprah supports Senate Bill 1738, Barak Obama, and Joe Biden.

Let me be clear – I am a card-carrying Republican, so nobody can make those claims about me. However, that is going to change if the Republicans vote down Senate Bill 1738 as part of their political agenda. I cannot and will not support a party that sacrifices our children for their own political agenda.

According to Oprah Criticized for Senate Bill 1738, Unrelated to GOP Boycott, the Democrats are trying to bundle Senate Bill 1738 (which was submitted by Senator Joe Biden) with a bunch of unrelated legislation that the Republicans will not support. Meanwhile, Senator Tom Colburn M.D. worked with Senator John McCain to write a similar bill, Senate Bill 3344, called the Securing Adolescents from Exploitation-Online (SAFE) Act of 2007, which was also voted down. So, we have both parties sacrificing our country’s children for the sake of their own political agendas.

Abused children are not pawns in the big political game – they are children whose lives are a living hell, and it is apparently going to stay that way as the Democrats and Republicans are using abused children’s very deep pain to further their own political agendas. This makes me nauseous. Voters need to take a very strong stand that we will not sacrifice our children for their political posturing.

I did not need to watch the Oprah show to know how abused and exploited children are treated. I lived it.

++++ graphic sexual abuse and animal rape triggers ++++

I was eight years old. I was taken from my bed at night and driven to a remote location. I was stripped naked and laid down on a table under the stars in the woods. I was shivering, not only from the cold but from sheer terror. These people had already slaughtered my dog right in front of me and threatened to do the same to my sister if I ever told. I was not going to resist, especially with my sister present that night.

They brought out a dog – a tan boxer. They pulled my legs apart and invited the dog to rape me vaginally. It did. Cameras were clicking as the dog did this to me. I couldn’t see past the flashbulbs in the dark.

Who knows how many perverts saw those pictures? For all I know, they are still in circulation today. Nobody saved me from these people, and that was far from the only time I was photographed being sexually assaulted.

According to Oprah’s guest, he only has the manpower to follow up on 2% of the leads. He chooses the 2% by those that law enforcement is most likely to catch. My photographs were taken in the dark, not in a bedroom like the man discussed on Oprah’s show. My picture would have fallen in the 98% pile.

And, thanks to the Republicans and Democrats, that is where my picture would stay. While they pointed finger at each other and ultimately accomplished nothing, I would be pulled out of my bed at night again … and again … and again to be raped, tortured, and exploited on camera for perverts all over the world to view and use in their own sick fantasies.

The children who are being exploited daily cannot speak for themselves, but I can speak for them. Those children need to be saved. I don’t care if it costs $6.30 or $89.59 for a family of four, depending upon which version of the bill is voted into law. (See Oprah Criticized for Senate Bill 1738, Unrelated to GOP Boycott.) We need to save our children.

I was only eight years old when that dog raped me on camera. Isn’t saving an eight-year-old little girl from years of exploitation worth $100 a family? If it was your child being raped on camera, wouldn’t you pay $100 to save him or her?

Please write to your congressmen and tell them to pass a bill to enable law enforcement to stop child predators. I don’t care if they pass Senate Bill 1738 or Senate Bill 3344 – I just want one passed.

Hey, here’s a novel concept. How about working together for once and focusing on saving the children? I will be watching my Congressmen. If a child exploitation bill is not passed into law this year, I will be voting no to every single representative of mine who is running for reelection, regardless of party affiliation.

*** Updated 9/23/08 — See Update on the Protect Our Children Act for a way to help pressure the Senate into passing the legislation to protect children without having to get into party politics. We need to act fast. ***

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I watched Oprah’s show on Senate Bill 1738: Child Protection Act yesterday. All I can say is, “Wow!!” Good job, Oprah!!

Oprah knocked that ball right out of the park. I would not be surprised if Senators from all over the country have their inboxes and mailboxes flooded with support of Senate Bill 1738.

I did not know this when I wrote my post yesterday, but we really need the Senate to hear this bill before they recess at the end of the month. So, time is of the essence. Don’t wait – send a message to your senators today.

You can email your senators by going to this link. Select your state from the pull-down menu. The website will provide you with the contact information for both of your senators. You can send them a snail mail letter, place a phone call, or send them an email by clicking on the link. Just contact them!

Back to Oprah’s show – Nothing in what she shared surprised me due to all that I suffered as a child as well as the stories of other abuse survivors that I have heard over the years. However, I did hear “new” information about ways that some of these child predators groom the children for abuse.

Child predators provide one another with “how to” instructions for abusing children of different ages. They create sexually-explicit “training videos” in which they make cartoon characters do sexual acts between a child character and an adult cartoon character. It is really sick stuff.

One of Oprah’s guests was a man who invented a new software program that is very effective in tracking down child predators who distribute child pornography over the Internet. She also had three teenage girls on the show who were victims of the same predator. That predator was caught through this software. I think they said that the predator had posted over 800 photos and videos of child abuse involving multiple girls.

The man who tracks down predators through his software said that he only has the man power to follow up on around 2% of the leads. This is where Senate Bill 1738 comes into play. That bill would appropriate up to one billion dollars toward resources that focus exclusively on catching these child predators and saving those children.

Nothing can be done for me at this point in my life. I suffered from child pornography and severe abuse. Nobody saved me, but I can save someone else. My heart goes out to the children who are living in the middle of the h@#$ that I endured throughout my childhood. No child should have to live that way.

We child abuse survivors have been looking for a way to make a difference. This is one way to do it. Please, please, please click on this link and contact your senators today.

*** Updated 9/23/08 — See Update on the Protect Our Children Act for a way to help pressure the Senate into passing the legislation to protect children without having to get into party politics. We need to act fast. ***

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Be sure to watch today’s Oprah show. She is going to be exploring “Internet Predators: How Bad is It?” Here is the description of the episode from her website:

No one knows how bad it really is or [how] fast it spreads…it’s time we all found out. Online sex predators—we’ve got to change the law.

One issue she will be covering is a proposed change in the law. The Senate is considering Senate Bill 1738, which would appropriate millions of dollars toward fighting Internet kiddie porn. Here is a summary of the bill, which is also known as the Combating Child Exploitation Act of 2008:

A bill to establish a Special Counsel for Child Exploitation Prevention and Interdiction within the Office of the Deputy Attorney General, to improve the Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force, to increase resources for regional computer forensic labs, and to make other improvements to increase the ability of law enforcement agencies to investigate and prosecute predators. – Govtrack.us

The statistics in the bill are disturbing but not surprising to me. The bill cites research by the Department of Justice, the University of New Hampshire, and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children that found that those arrested for possession of child pornography included the following:

  • 83% have images of children 6-12 years old
  • 39% have images of children 3-5 years old
  • 19% have images of children under the age of 3 years old

See Sec. 2 Findings under subsection (2) in Senate Bill 1738.

It gets worse.

The images and videos being trafficked typically depict sexual assaults that are both graphic and brutal. The same research indicates that 80 percent of known child pornography possessors have images of children being sexually penetrated and 21 percent have images depicting children bound, gagged, blindfolded, or ‘‘otherwise enduring sadistic sex.’’ Just 1 percent restricted their collecting to images of simple child nudity.

See Sec. 2 Findings under subsection (3) in Senate Bill 1738.

These people are not only taking nude photographs of children. They rape every orifice. They take pictures of children being sexually assaulted by animals. This type of abuse is not limited to older children. Very young children, even toddlers, are photographed experiencing this type of severe sexual abuse.

Every single person reading this blog needs to contact your senator in support of this bill. As someone who was once a victim of a kiddie porn ring, I cannot stress strongly enough how important it is that we invest money in stopping these kiddie porn rings from continuing to hurt innocent children.

Kiddie porn has been a problem for decades, and it has only gotten worse. While the Internet has brought many positives into our lives, it has also enabled kiddie porn rings to more easily distribute their pornography. This needs to stop. The Combating Child Exploitation Act of 2008 is a good step in the right direction.

*** Updated 9/23/08 — See Update on the Protect Our Children Act for a way to help pressure the Senate into passing the legislation to protect children without having to get into party politics. We need to act fast. ***

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Research on Female Psychopaths

The author of the blog What About When MOM is the Abuser? is co-authoring a book about male victims of female psychopaths. He is considering adding a section for female victims of female psychopaths.

If you are female and fell victim to a female psychopath, please consider sharing your story by emailing it to bloggert7165@aol.com. Here is what he is looking for:

Right now we are looking for anyone who is willing to write up a summary of how they met [female psychopaths] and their experiences with them. Obviously children who have parents like that would just detail their experience … [A]nyone who takes part should not use any identifying things like their real names, town names, etc.

My mother was an abuser, but I don’t know if the label “psychopath” really fits. So, I asked if abusing children qualifies a person as a psychopath. Here was his response:

No that is not the definition I use of a psychopath though is often one of the indicators. Sexually abusing your child is another step towards that direction. Anyone with ASPD, NPD, HPD are ones that would be really close to look at or people that think the person in question met those criteria.

He then sent further clarification of the definition of a psychopath:

Sociopaths are unable to love, have poor impulse control and exhibit immoral behavior … Dr Leedom says that people with the ability to love do all the following in a relationship:

  • Feel and enjoy affection toward special people.
  • Show empathy toward those they love.
  • Want to take care of those they love.
  • At times sacrifice their own desires in order to care for others.

Sociopaths lack ability to love. Dr. Leedom says sociopaths may experience fleeting feelings of affection, but the joy they get from these feelings is far less than the joy they get from having power and control over others. Their inability to love is also called “emotional callousness” by scientists.

Dr. Leedom says sociopaths generally show no care-taking behavior, and rarely or never sacrifice their own needs for those of others. When they do show caring, she says, there is always a hidden agenda.

If you were a victim to a woman who matches the above description, please consider emailing your experience to bloggert7165@aol.com. Do not include any identifying information.

If you are concerned about being identified, consider opening up an anonymous email account from which to send your story. You can open one up for free at Hotmail, Google, or Yahoo.

Alternatively, feel free to email the story to me. I can copy and paste it over to a separate email and send it for you. You can find my email address by clicking on “About Faith Allen” in the upper right of the screen. I don’t want to include it here or I will receive a lot of spam.

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I am not grateful for having been abused as a child, but I am very grateful for all of the positive things that have come out of my experiences. One of those areas of gratitude is for all of you – Those who take your time to read my blog, post comments, and send me emails. Who knew that something as painful as child abuse could be something to bring so many people together?

I spent most of my life feeling isolated. I no longer feel that way. Since I chose to begin healing from child abuse, I have never been alone. I have met lots of wonderful people along my healing journey.

I have made countless friends over at my favorite message board, Isurvive.org. I regret that I do not have as much time to spend over there as I used to. Writing this blog, along with other obligations in my life, limits the amount of time I have to spend with my friends over there, but they remain near and dear to my heart. Several of my isurvive friends followed me over to my blog, and some even email me regularly. Whenever I am having a tough time, I know that I have a safe place to fall apart.

I feel like we child abuse survivors are coming together, validating one another, and creating a bond that we never had in childhood. I feel honored to know each and every one of you. You are all amazing.

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On my blog entry Ritual Abuse and Programming, Simon posted the following question:

Theres a question ive always wanted to ask you but ive forgotten. If you have time id really appreciate a response! Here it is :-

***Could be triggering***

I trigger massively when i get water on my face. So basically i trigger when ive had a face wash or shower, or even when i go out and theres rain on my face. I can even be playing sports and ill sweat and it will run onto my face and its a MASSIVE trigger. This is less-so now ive worked through alot of memories, but ive always wondered why it is.Someone has said that maybe its because the abusers washed me after they abused me but i keep thinking it something else.

Was just wondering if you had any idea?

I had a similar question for my therapist a few years ago. I knew that I had always had a phobia of Russian nesting dolls, but I did not know why. My therapist said it might have to do with feeling constricted, but I intuitively knew that wasn’t it. I did not get my answer for at least another year, when I recovered one of my most traumatizing memories.

My short answer is that (1) I do not know the origin; and (2) you will know the origin when you are ready to process it. Our deepest triggers are a result of our deepest traumas. It only makes sense that we heal the less severe stuff first and then, once we have the confidence that we can handle the heavier trauma, we turn our attention there.

I would caution you against going out and seeking the answer. Instead, trust your own intuition to reveal the origin when you are ready to face it. Once you recover the memory, you will be wigged out but, at the same time, have a major “aha” moment. It really does feel good to put the pieces of the puzzle together and understand yourself.

If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone in having this issue with water. Check out the Incest Survivor’s After Effects Checklist. Number two on the list is…

Swallowing and gagging sensitivity; repugnance to water on one’s face when bathing or swimming (suffocation feelings)

I had an issue with eating cereal because I would come unglued if any milk trickled down my chin. I have my suspicions about the origin of this for me, but this has been low on my list of concerns. It is easy enough simply not to eat cereal.

I hope this helped.

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This week, I have been writing about my epiphany that the ritual abuse I suffered likely had less to do with satanic worship and more to do with protecting a kiddie porn ring. While coming to terms with having been a victim of a kiddie porn and child prostitution ring has been challenging, some wonderfully powerful messages have come out of this experience for me.

The most powerful message I have taken away is that my child abusers were human. They were not “monsters” or “demons” with supernatural powers. They do not have any mystical powers from “Satan” to track me down and silence me if I ever tell. In fact, look how much I have shared about my ritual abuse over the past couple of weeks. I have yet to burst into flames.

I was very triggered when writing my posts about the ritual abuse. This is because of the terror that my child abusers instilled in me as they were dressed in black robes and tormenting me around a bonfire at midnight. However, their scare tactics did not succeed in silencing me. I pushed through the fear and have shed light on ritual abuse issues that others need to know about.

Now, I recognize that these were not all-powerful “monsters” but fallible and weak human beings. They allowed the power of the almighty dollar and their own sick perversions to override their own humanity. How a person could “sell” an innocent child’s body to be used and abused will never make sense to me.

What does make sense is that these abusers were only human, and I can defend myself against another human being. I am no longer a little girl who is battling people who are 3-4 times my size. I am a grown woman who has the power to fight back. I cannot express how incredibly empowering this realization is to me.

I have not felt this safe in decades. I am so grateful to have pushed through the lies and to have the ability to see my abusers for the weak people that they were. They were not monsters – they are mere mortals.

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In my last blog entry, I asked Are Cults Really Covers for Kiddie Porn and Prostitution Rings? I believe that, in my situation, the answer is yes. This might not be true in all cult situations, but I do believe that this is the case in mine. My intuition is screaming that this is the case, and my sister’s memories back it up as well. So, I am in the process of trying to wrap my mind around this latest piece of my life puzzle.

I am handling this new information surprisingly well. Honestly, I feel much more comfortable with coming to terms with falling victim to a kiddie porn and child prostitution ring than I did having to accept that I had been “raped for Satan.” Satanic ritual abuse is so “out there” and sounds so unbelievable. The greed involved in making money off little kids’ bodies is, unfortunately, very believable. It is much easier to wrap my mind around kiddie porn and child prostitution than devil worship.

That being said, it is still hard to face the reality of being a victim of kiddie porn and child prostitution. I already suspected the kiddie porn part. My memories of animal rape involved a camera, and I have another memory of being tied to a bed naked with lots of pictures being taken. There are other memories with cameras as well. I suspected that at least the animal rape pictures were sold as kiddie porn, so I have already come to terms with the reality that there are pictures out there somewhere of me as a child being raped.

The child prostitution angle is new, though. The thought of my hymen being auctioned off is tough. I was only seven years old when that was taken from me. It sickens me to think of some man paying who knows how much money to do that to a seven-year-old child, doubly so since I have a child of that age and appreciate just how young a seven-year-old child is.

I feel heaviness inside when I think about this, but I have not been able to cry about it yet. However, for the most part, it is not rocking me as I would expect it to. Perhaps my belief in reincarnation has helped with this. I do not see my body as a part of me but, instead, as my “earth suit” for this go-round in this lifetime. Neither my soul nor my spirit are a part of the pictures, and my rapists never got a hold of me. My body is not who I am.

Related Topic:

Trauma Tuesday: Raped by Santa Claus??

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Are cults really just covers for kiddie porn and prostitution rings? That is the question that I have been pondering all week, ever since I read the article The Dirtiest Secret Behind Child Abuse. The author is a therapist, ritual abuse survivor, and has healed from dissociative identity disorder (DID). She has heard many ritual abuse stories as well as experienced her own, so she knows what she is talking about.

She talks about how “sophisticated” pedophiles will dress up like Santa and rape a child. That way, if the child ever tells or recovers memories in the future, nobody will believe her. I know several child abuse survivors who experienced this kind of abuse, being raped by someone dressed up as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or even Jesus.

Then, the author asks …

So why wouldn’t organized child porn groups dress up in robes and wear devil masks and provide other surrounding paraphernalia to share their love of child molestation?

That question hit me hard, and it caused me to think about my own memories and experiences. Could the black robes around the bonfire really have just been for my benefit? Could it all have been smoke and mirrors to mask a kiddie porn ring?

And then the pieces of the puzzle started rapidly falling into place. I have numerous memories of being photographed during the abuse. I find it triggering when lights flicker because it mimics a flashbulb, and the sound effects of a camera taking rapid pictures is very triggering to me.

I thought about the time that my sister and I showed up “early” and had to wait around in our nightgowns in a room filled with adults. It was some sort of log cabin or lodge. Everyone (mostly men) was drinking and laughing, fully clothed, while my sister and I wandered about confused with the men looking at us and laughing. That memory never made sense as a prelude to a cult ceremony, but it makes perfect sense if a price was being set.

I also wondered about why my sister was raped when I was not for the first several cult meetings. She had been raped previously by a babysitter, but I still had my hymen. If the goal was just to have some sort of bizarre ceremony, then why protect my hymen? I suspect the answer is that my hymen was very valuable and was auctioned off to some pervert who wanted to be my first rapist.

I ran this theory by my sister, and she agrees with it. In fact, it made a memory of hers fall into place. She remembers being blindfolded, raped, and then hearing, “Your debt has been paid,” said to one of the cult members. She knew that her body had paid off that debt.

I always assumed that all of robed people were cult members, but what if some of them were johns? What if it was never about “satanic worship” and all about kiddie porn and child prostitution?

Related Topic:

Trauma Tuesday: Raped by Santa Claus??

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