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Archive for October 8th, 2008

I recently posted a fabulous video that talks about extreme forms of child abuse. This video mentions abusers continuing to abuse children into adulthood. They take advantage of the fact that the person has dissociative identity disorder (DID) and continue to abuse the child parts of an adult, and the adult has no memory that the abuse is continuing even into adulthood.

This was my biggest fear upon recognizing that I had DID. Well, actually my biggest fear was that I could be hurting my kid or allowing someone else to hurt him (which my therapist assured me would never happen in my situation), closely followed by the fear that I was blacking out while others abused me. I thought I had finished recovering memories after recovering abuse at age 17. I was already kind of freaked out that I could have been attacked at age 17 and have no recollection of it the next morning.

Yesterday, one of my fears came true. I recovered another memory of a date rape, only this memory was in adulthood. I was 19.

A couple of years ago, I had to accept that I had lost time in adulthood. I have no memories of any Christmas with my immediate family through age 23. It was freaky to realize that I had lost time when I was as old as 23.

Now I have to face that I was raped as an adult (at 19) and that I had no recollection of it immediately afterward. This was by a boyfriend. I have yet to deal with the specifics because I am currently reeling from it happening at all. I will deal with the specifics as I am ready.

But so much makes sense now … why he said that he would “always be my first” when I broke things off for good … why he spread rumors that I was pregnant with his child (I thought, “Whatever. Kind of hard to get pregnant without having sex!”) … why I gained a ton of weight that year … why I ran directly into another unhealthy relationship when I did not want a relationship at all. It is all making sense.

I suspect that he would not remember it as a rape. Our pattern was that he would take, not ask, and I would not stop him until it came to intercourse. I would do the “no, don’t” weak woman thing, and he would just keep on taking anyhow and read my continuing the relationship to mean consent. However, when it came to intercourse, I was completely firm. I always said no.

I suspect that he continued his pattern and “took,” and I blacked out, leaving a child part to be raped. He probably saw this as me finally giving in to having sex with him, only for me to dump him immediately afterward. (The details of how I finally ended it with him are fuzzy.)

What scares me is what else might be lurking in my subconscious about other rapes or abuses in which I just blacked out and allowed another person to do whatever he or she wanted with my body. I know that this does not change the value of who I am. I know that I am okay today, so no matter how much @#$% continues to surface, I still won. I know that I was programmed by “professionals” to flee my body, and I cannot hold myself accountable for dissociating and leaving my body to be raped. I know that I am going to be okay.

With all that said, I still cried pretty heavily yesterday, and I simply feel lousy. I am trying not to stuff the pain down with food, alcohol, or other means. I am trying to allow the pain to flow out of myself so I can process yet another trauma and move on with my life. I just wish there was an end to the trauma. I want to move on to healing and stop finding myself back in this place of having more @#$% to process. And yet, I know that I must accept all of my truths to heal fully.

Sometimes healing just plain sucks.

Related Topic:

Trauma Thursday: Risk of Date Rape for Sexually Abused Adopted Child

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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